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DaB35 Offline OP
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A close friend asked how I was doing - I said I was doing well, keeping very busy with things (didn't go into lots of detail). He then asked about my IC and I said it had wrapped up and I completed it last month.

He is a close mutual friend of W too, so at some point he will tell her what I've told him. I think what I said was sufficient - not too detailed (I didn't list all my GAL stuff for example), and I just gave confident positive answers.

My mum has written an Xmas card to W's parents. I haven't seen what she's written in it. We've agreed if W's mum rings her, and asks about me she'll say "He's fine. He's very busy with work and other things" initially and leave it at that.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Text from W.

House is SOLD!

Slightly annoyed that she didn't come to me first to tell me about the offer, but there we go. Don't think it's worth bringing that up.

We now need to get a valuation from a RICS surveyor (to help with another certain element of the loan we used to buy the house originally). I've told W that needs to happen, and asked when we need to get our stuff out.

Should I organise the surveyor etc myself, or ask W to do it?

Last edited by DaB35; 12/11/19 12:35 PM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Another update (!)

W:

"We haggled a bit. That was after a few offers so higher than they originally said. You and I both need to email the estate agent to confirm in writing we agree with the offer.
OK can you be in charge of sorting out the RICS surveyor then? No idea about dates, but had a call from the buyer's conveyancer, and they're starting to get the ball moving."

OK. So this is it.

I don't trust her to sort out the surveyor, so shall I do it? I don't want to, but maybe that's down to having emotional attachments to the house.

I read something in the Quotes section on being Friends vs Friendly

[quote\]"Someone who divorces me without valuing me enough to try and salvage our M, who doesn't believe that promises and vows are important enough to make a change, who has no real remorse, and who still thinks only of what he wants, is not someone I want in my life.

Those actions show a lack of integrity, a lack of reliability and inner strength, a lack of kindness, and a willingness to cut and run when the going gets tough."[/quote]

Not sure I'm at the stage where I say 'I don't want W in my life', but the sentiment of not valuing what we had and just being happy to throw it away so quickly, with seemingly no thought of wanting to put effort in and running away when things are tough or very bumpy, is very pertinent.

For what I did in the M and R, I have complete remorse. I'm done with the shame, I've dealt with it and left it behind. I've moved on in the sense that I've improved as a person, but I haven't moved on from W as it's only been 6 months.

Recon would be nice but I am not pushing. I am not being overtly nice to W but just pleasant and polite. And keeping my distance. She's keeping hers. I will maintain this.

Am I doing the right stuff here?


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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Originally Posted by DaB35

-Continue doing what I'm doing
-Be happy and stay happy
-Don't take the bait and respond to somewhat loaded comments from W if they come
-Enjoy my improvements and reap the reward I'm getting for my own benefit
-Don't expect W to find out about all my changes etc. - she may get to hear about it secondhand eventually, e.g. from mutual friends, but I will absolutely not go out of my way at all to tell her

I may have doubts about myself (i.e. how I'd react) for those times she will 'come closer' to the picnic in the future. I will of course come here for advice before I do anything stupid or otherwise!!


Very nice list!


Originally Posted by DaB35
I don't trust her to sort out the surveyor, so shall I do it?


Yes.
Quote

I don't want to, but maybe that's down to having emotional attachments to the house.


I think you're right.

Quote
Not sure I'm at the stage where I say 'I don't want W in my life', but the sentiment of not valuing what we had and just being happy to throw it away so quickly, with seemingly no thought of wanting to put effort in and running away when things are tough or very bumpy, is very pertinent.


It is indeed, to many of us! In the end that's what drove me away from my XW, the complete and utter lack of interest in lifting a finger to save the M.

Quote
I am not being overtly nice to W but just pleasant and polite. And keeping my distance. She's keeping hers. I will maintain this.

Am I doing the right stuff here?


Yes I think you're striking a good balance.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks AS - I'll contact the surveyor tomorrow. W isn't pushing me to do it today, so she can wait!

She also hasn't got back to me about the finance court order, even though I've asked her to check something. She had typed over some of my info so my credit card total doesn't add up with the figure below it now. She hasn't responded yet (!).

One thing that really upset me is that she said she "didn't want to be with someone" who was "having mental problems...I just want a normal man." Thought that was harsh, especially when I had began IC and was immediately doing what my C had told me to do rather than be timid about it and scared to change. Makes me think if she found someone else and he treated her like **** would she be happy that he 'had no problems'?

Thanks for the boost saying I'm doing the right balance of stuff. I'll keep at it.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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OK - booked the surveyor for Monday morning. W agreed to be in.
Just one more phonecall to make then I think I don't need to do anything.

W has sent off the finance court order form - got an email from the L about it today.

Feel a bit sad today. Feels final. The house is the last tie really. I don't know how I feel to be honest. Part of me is relieved it's over. Part of me is extremely sad that I've lost her and M and R. Part of me is angry at myself and her for allowing this to happen, and for not DBing earlier (though I hadn't heard about DBing til August, by which time W had already filed for D). Another part of me still is happy that I've improved a lot about myself in six months and that IC has addressed lots of issues.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Had a few thoughts this evening.

Should I assist W with the L forms re house sale? They have sent a few things out to me but as W has been liaising with the estate agents I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing. I've forwarded them to W and asked if we both need to supply info, or if she has the info already and can just do it herself.

In helping the house sale by filling in a couple of forms, I'm still worrying that I'm giving her the impression that I don't want her, and that I want the D to happen. I don't want to argue by saying "no I won't do that - you do it," but not sure if me helping is telling her that I don't care and that I agree the M is over and we have no chance of R in the future.

One part of me is however thinking, well if she cannot be bothered, do I WANT to be with someone who has no interest in working on a M when things get rough and tough, and instead just throws it away because she would rather stick by principles she had when she was 17 and not change and remain stubborn? Trouble is, for all her flaws, she was great for me in so many ways.

Or does this not matter now - do I just do it, not be obstructive, just remain polite, and continue to GAL and just eventually get to a stage where - if we do meet up - she will see a changed, confident me and be left wondering what she has thrown away? Having said that, I do know that my changes are for ME not her. I get that.




Last edited by DaB35; 12/12/19 07:14 PM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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DS9 Offline
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Hey Dan,

Congrats, but commiserations to on the sale mate.

I wouldn't help or volunteer anything with these forms. Let her come to you, and rebuff what she can and should do herself. You're not "Do it all Dan" anymore mate.

Remember, her impression of whether or not you want her is immaterial. It's probably the last thing on her mind right now. What is material is whether or not she wants you, so remember to keep DB'ing to give yourself the best shot. Indeed, doesn't DB say that you should be giving the impression that your fine whether or not you have her? Read up on that thread about pursuit and distance.

Cheers DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Jun 2019
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Originally Posted by DaB35

Feel a bit sad today. Feels final. The house is the last tie really. I don't know how I feel to be honest. Part of me is relieved it's over. Part of me is extremely sad that I've lost her and M and R. Part of me is angry at myself and her for allowing this to happen, and for not DBing earlier (though I hadn't heard about DBing til August, by which time W had already filed for D). Another part of me still is happy that I've improved a lot about myself in six months and that IC has addressed lots of issues.

I know exactly how you feel. You've done everything "right" and net/net you still don't feel good. What keeps me going is that I know that I felt bad for a day or two in November, same in Oct, and so on... and then I felt better. Every milestone (listing house, STBXW moving out, selling house, etc.) hit me, some more than others, some in unexpected ways. Then I went to sleep, went to work, GAL'd, and sort of forgot about it. But it definitely hurts in the moment.
Originally Posted by DaB35

Or does this not matter now - do I just do it, not be obstructive, just remain polite, and continue to GAL and just eventually get to a stage where - if we do meet up - she will see a changed, confident me and be left wondering what she has thrown away? Having said that, I do know that my changes are for ME not her. I get that.

This is what I have to remind myself, too. And your point about our W's throwing this away. I did far worse things than you but the point remains that you and I are willing to work, to look inward and challenge ourselves to our core. They, on the other hand, are fed up, done, exhausted, and walking. Actions not words and all that but, to your point, if they don't see the actions, will that change anything? Maybe not, and you and I both know that we are making ourselves better for ourselves, not them. So, worst case scenario is that we end up with other people who love us for who we are, who want to work 50/50 on the marriage. Meanwhile, our XWs are on to the next, probably wondering why things aren't perfect, didn't learn how to work through issues. Sounds petty but I sometimes have to remind myself "oh well, her loss"


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
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Divorce finalized Dec 12
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DS9

I wouldn't help or volunteer anything with these forms. Let her come to you, and rebuff what she can and should do herself. You're not "Do it all Dan" anymore mate.


I had thought this. I needed to put the mortgage info on the form as the bank's account is only in my name and only I have the log in details. Apart from that, I just sent it back to her and said "I've not submitted it." She isn't arguing or questioning why I've not sent it off.

Originally Posted by DS9
Indeed, doesn't DB say that you should be giving the impression that your fine whether or not you have her? Read up on that thread about pursuit and distance.


You're right. I'm trying but it's hard to think that it comes across as uncaring, particularly when we haven't really spoken much for 3 months and haven't been in the same room as each other for the same length of time.

Originally Posted by crdcheck

...but the point remains that you and I are willing to work, to look inward and challenge ourselves to our core. They, on the other hand, are fed up, done, exhausted, and walking. Actions not words and all that but, to your point, if they don't see the actions, will that change anything? Maybe not, and you and I both know that we are making ourselves better for ourselves, not them. So, worst case scenario is that we end up with other people who love us for who we are, who want to work 50/50 on the marriage. Meanwhile, our XWs are on to the next, probably wondering why things aren't perfect, didn't learn how to work through issues. Sounds petty but I sometimes have to remind myself "oh well, her loss"


I think the same too. I've done a lot of introspection and internal work. And maintained it. She hasn't. Definitely her loss - she only had to wait 6 months and to be honest things may have been wonderful and would be even better than they were. But she had no intention of working on it at the time: "I can't be bothered to put the effort in" were her words. I'll never forget that. So sad of her to say that.

Just had some emails from her this morning. We have an online form about the house to fill in for the estate agent. TONS of questions. I have no idea how to answer them. I've done a bare minimum of filling in and will just go back to W and say "Can't help on [xyz]."


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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