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A Message from Michele
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Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6 [Re: DaB35] #2874951
12/06/19 02:39 PM
12/06/19 02:39 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
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DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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Had a voicemail and then a text from W:

Voicemail (approx.):
"Hi, we've had an offer on the house of x. I need your input on this- I think it's too low and that we might come back with a counter-offer of y. Can you let me know please?"

Was very weird hearing her voice. Haven't spoken to her in nearly 3 months. I deleted the message immediately.

Text about 5 mins later:
"Hi, we've had an offer on the house of x. I said I'd speak to you but I think we should come back with y as I don't really want to go lower than that if we can...what do you think?"

I'm going to reply by text, not call:
"Hi, thanks for your message. I agree x is too low. Yes, please go back with y as a counter and we'll see what they say."

That OK? No validation needed as she hasn't expressed any emotion at all, keeping it very polite with please/thank you. Just down to the issue and that's it.

Last edited by DaB35; 12/06/19 02:40 PM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6 [Re: DaB35] #2875092
12/07/19 04:47 AM
12/07/19 04:47 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 214
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crdcheck Offline
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Sounds good to me, keep it to the business. Are you agreeing with her counter recommendation? If so, you could say:

"Hi, thanks for your message. I agree x is too low and that x is reasonable, feel free to counter with it"

To me, the "please go back..." sounds like you are giving her direction. Having said that, it's nit-picking - it won't bring her closer or drive her away.


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
House sold Sept 25
Papers signed Nov 15
Divorce finalized Dec 12
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6 [Re: DaB35] #2875096
12/07/19 05:49 AM
12/07/19 05:49 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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DS9 Offline
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Hey Dan

Glad to hear theres an offer. Speak to agents before you counter to get feedback on the buyers attitude and current market and correctness of counter offer. Dont rely on her

Then

Hi. Good call. please counter at xxxx. Thx Regds Dan

Youre too busy to do lengthy replies when its strictly biz.

Nothing there to validate either mate

Cheers DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6 [Re: DaB35] #2875287
12/09/19 09:27 AM
12/09/19 09:27 AM
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Posts: 524
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DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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Very busy weekend and had a positive time throughout.

Friday night my sister and I worked really hard and sorting out my parents' bathrooms - we cleaned them within an inch of their lives and made everything look good. My parents are both quite frail and find it hard to bend down to clean etc. so I help them out whenever I can.

Saturday went to see a musical in a tiny new theatre in London - was brilliant as I'd been waiting for this particular show to come around for years. Finally got to see it on the last day of the run.
Then went to a concert hall in the evening for an orchestra concert which was really interesting; they played a very long innovative piece by a composer I'd never heard of. Nice to always discover new things.

Sunday's gig went well, and I was home by 6pm as it was an afternoon one. Got paid more than I thought too. My plan is to put most of my gig money on my credit card so by the time the house is sold I'll have very little or no debt at all. I don't have a huge balance on it but I like to pay it off asap even though I'm doing it early and don't need to!

My sister said again that she thinks what W has done is a waste. She said, "So it's only taken you 6 months to sort yourself out. It just seems so wasteful for her to give up and walk away when you've clearly improved yourself. I would understand if you had both gone to counselling for a bit, then you relapsed and didn't seem to care, because she'd say you need to do it alone. I don't understand why she wouldn't want to try."

Made me feel a bit better, but I just carried on GALing.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6 [Re: DaB35] #2875292
12/09/19 11:38 AM
12/09/19 11:38 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
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DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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Text from W today:

"The couple didn't increase their offer. We have another viewing today with another couple so hopefully they'll be interested."

Second text a few mins later:

"Oh and make sure you've got your phone on you, so we can agree to any offers they might make."

I just replied: "OK, thanks for letting me know" and left it at that.

I'm desperate for her to see the improvements I've made, but that won't happen unless we see each other. No idea when I'll see her next.

Feels like the picnic I'm having outside the castle is being 'moved on' to somewhere further away!

Do I need to do anything differently to what I'm doing presently?


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6 [Re: DaB35] #2875308
12/09/19 02:24 PM
12/09/19 02:24 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Another text from W:

"If the couple today don't make an offer, think we should probably accept [x]. It's a good offer in the current climate and we're still making profit. Don't want to be lumbered paying that mortgage for ages when neither of us are living there. Do you agree? It would make for an easy life and I think we both need that."

Urgh!

I'm not too happy with accepting what is a low-ish offer. I'm also unhappy with her last sentence.

How should I respond?

Thinking;

"Let's try 295k, if not then go for 290k as you say." Leave it at just that?

Do I need to acknowledge this 'we both need an easy life' thing at all?


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6 [Re: DaB35] #2875309
12/09/19 02:35 PM
12/09/19 02:35 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,378
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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As someone that just paid a mortgage on a house for a year and a half, I understand where she is coming from. Remember, each month that goes on cuts into the profit. So you have to decide if $5000 is worth the risk of paying for a few for months of principle, interest, taxes, and utilities.

But do not give in if you feel strongly otherwise. Keep your texts very business like. You will likely see her at closing. Be ready to be the best DaB you can be that day. Otherwise, just keep 180ing for you, not her.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6 [Re: DaB35] #2875323
12/09/19 03:09 PM
12/09/19 03:09 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks Steve - I value your input.

In a weird way, I am looking forward to being able to be the best version of me in front of her when that time comes. We need to decide who gets the minor items in the house anyway (kitchen bits, bedding etc. - the not too valuable stuff). We agreed to do that later after sale.

Knowing that my IC has wrapped in 6 months, and that I've started a gym routine and seeing the benefits (both physically and mentally) after just 2 months has massively helped my DBing.

I feel happy that I've progressed as a person so much. Glad that I've found time to do lots of things I never did before (e.g. go to London alone all day to watch a show just because I want to see it) and have been braver in social situations (forcing myself to speak to new people at gigs for example).

My IC said I was "an amazing client to work with" as I "jumped into therapy and took it very seriously." That was a nice boost too. Made it all worth it.

Of course I miss her, but I know she's thrown this away because of pride and because she is a massive people pleaser - she told everyone within a few days of discovery, and she doesn't like going against what others tell her to do (especially her family and close friends). My family are upset at this because they feel she should have just contacted them and kept it between us and then we could have sorted things out together as a small group. The fact that my therapy only lasted 6 months and not years suggests we could have done this.

I just responded to W as above. Keeping it business-like as per everyone's advice. I've found I'm not worrying about attempting to mind-read her thoughts anymore.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6 [Re: DaB35] #2875346
12/09/19 04:52 PM
12/09/19 04:52 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,017
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AnotherStander Offline
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Dan, it sounds like maybe you're trying to hang onto the house as a way of hanging onto your W. Just let it go, and let her go. You may have a future together but it's not going to be anytime soon, it's way down the road. So until then you've got to let this all play out.

Originally Posted by DaB35
I'm desperate for her to see the improvements I've made, but that won't happen unless we see each other. No idea when I'll see her next.


Your improvements are for you, not her. Right now she doesn't care about an R with you, so it doesn't matter if she sees them or not.

Quote
Feels like the picnic I'm having outside the castle is being 'moved on' to somewhere further away!


The idea of the picnic is that you are living your life and you are letting her live hers. If she comes closer you don't do anything different. If she moves farther away you don't do anything different. She can and will come closer and then distance, that's normal. You just keep doing what you're doing.

Quote
Do I need to do anything differently to what I'm doing presently?


Nope, you're doing fine.

Quote
It would make for an easy life and I think we both need that.


Quote
I'm also unhappy with her last sentence.

How should I respond?


Don't respond to that part at all, just stick to business. Selling a house is always tricky business. You might refuse their offer and get another right away, or you might get stuck with it another 6 months regretting having not taken the offer. Like Steve said, the longer you sit on it and pay mortgage payments, then the more you are eating into potential profit, so keep that in mind. I've seen people refuse an offer and then 6 months later desperately accept an offer that is far lower than the one they refused!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6 [Re: DaB35] #2875372
12/09/19 07:01 PM
12/09/19 07:01 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 524
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DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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Thanks AS.

I hadn't considered that about the house being a way of hanging on to W.

The plan then I suppose is to
-Continue doing what I'm doing
-Be happy and stay happy
-Don't take the bait and respond to somewhat loaded comments from W if they come
-Enjoy my improvements and reap the reward I'm getting for my own benefit
-Don't expect W to find out about all my changes etc. - she may get to hear about it secondhand eventually, e.g. from mutual friends, but I will absolutely not go out of my way at all to tell her

I may have doubts about myself (i.e. how I'd react) for those times she will 'come closer' to the picnic in the future. I will of course come here for advice before I do anything stupid or otherwise!!


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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