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Originally Posted by LH19
Don’t base it off me because I’m picky and probably not even ready to date.


Ha! You keep making my point for me!!!! You're probably not even ready to date - yet there you are OLD. That is my EXACT point. It's not like all of the guys (or gals) are bad or crazy or whatever - or that you are casually dating. It's that when you add up the sum total, the number of both men and women OLD that are truly in a healthy place, looking for a serious R, etc. - or are of the quality and character or in the same sitch as Ginger compose a small fraction of those with an OLD profile - that's what I'm saying. Yet the marketing and adverting would have you believe that if you are single and looking for someone - the place to go is OLD where everyone is just like you - mentally healthy, looking for love and ready for it. That's what many think and what they want us to think. But the truth is far different with only a handful falling into that group. It's almost like Ashley Madison or AFF or the others where they tried and successfully lead lonely, horny, desperate, guys to sign up only to find there were hardly any real women there and they were paying people to pose as women to keep the guys trying and paying. I'm just telling you, it's a matter of time until OLD is fully exposed for the truth of what it is - and what it's not. It does work now and then for some people - i admit it does. It also works pretty well as a hook up spot. But that's not what G is looking for.

Originally Posted by LH19
Keep all options open is my vote.


Totally agree with you there buddy. I would add to simply use OLD as a way to setup a very early on in person meeting - just like you would if you met someone out someplace. But don't sit on the phone or text for hours prior to the meeting - something "WMLB" totally advocates as does the Coach.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
And what I take from the books is that I’m way too accommodating and eager to please . I refuse to be someone I’m not, but those things I have learned I need to pull back on.


I'd very much agree with the too accommodating and eager to please. You'd think guys would love it but I can tell you just from my perspective (and her's) it can be the kiss of death - and has been with me. I don't think it's at all about being someone you are not, but just changing how you do things and perhaps the biggest thing is valuing yourself or as she says living like you are total package prize and if the guy doesn't see it, that's his problem and you are not even giving it a second thought. Guy, what guy!

Originally Posted by Ginger1
And with M, well, he said what he said, but for the first half he was very interested. Very. And it took me a while to figure out he lost the interest because once I would realize it, he would go and be interested again.


She talks about this exact thing how guys in the beginning (and 6 months is still the beginning) might be very interested but how dynamics and behaviors can kill that attraction. If I remember, it was when you challenged him and distanced yourself that he would become interested again. It's again straight out of the book. I think your actions is what brought his interest back around. However, I have to add, I still don't think he was the right guy for you in the long term anyhow. I just know that had my ExW had read this book and done these actions, I would not have lost interest about 6 months in as well or perhaps we would have not got married - or I may have stepped up because I was required to - rather than finally trying to step up after it was too late. I was never required to so I didn't. That's a small example of what I mean by how this all comes full circle to DBing.

Ginger, I'm not trying to put you on the defensive, which I know is just a human reaction if someone comes at you or criticizes. I'm really not trying to be a jerk about it or be intensive because i know you are hurting. But you seem to have an answer for all of it - yet you are still miserable, needing medication to sleep and moving to depression - so clearly what you are doing is not working. I'm by no means a dieting expert and if you did lose weight for the week - that's great! You and i just both know the way to lose weight is not to starve yourself and then eat fries and drink beer. The way is through three balanced, healthy meals each day. And I did see that you have things lined up in the future - great and good for you! That's another win. I was responding to your comments about THIS weekend and last night. I just see people reaching out. I didn't even take your Ex's W as trying to be mean. I totally get this is a way different sitch given what happened. But I'd at least consider she, right or wrong, is thinking that was 10 years ago and no longer a factor and she too sees you are struggling and feels bad. Call me a gullible idiot and I may be wrong - I just think she was trying to be nice.

Perhaps I'm not helping and if I'm making it worse I'm very sorry and will stop. At least I tried. I'm glad you've read the books. Not sure how long ago it was but maybe you should read it again. I just see you doing so much of what she says not to do - even with the latest guy from OLD - that's all. She got all of this by interviewing hundreds of guys and I can just tell you this guy (me) totally sees what she is saying as i'm very turned off by the examples she gave and very interested in what she calls the bitch - just like those 100 guys. I don't try to be - it's just in the DNA - and that includes with women that many people would not find very attractive - it's how they carry and handle themselves.

I'll just shut up now and give you a virtual hug. I know you are going to get through this! Hopefully soon.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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((((G))))

I don’t have any great advice or words of wisdom but there are plenty of other people here who give far better advice than I ever could anyway, so I’ll just let them handle it.

I did want to speak to a couple of specifics, though. You say you haven’t tried to make girlfriends and lament it is harder to do than find a suitable dating partner but then mention you enjoy doing various outings with your coworkers. To me, that’s a start. I mean sure, you may wish to keep personal vs. work life somewhat private but that doesn’t mean you can’t build an actual bond and friendship with someone at work. Keep looking for new hobbies as well. You never know when a friendship might arise from a cooking class, a stroll through a museum, a beer or wine tasting....whatever. There are a lot of ways to put yourself out there and you just have to think outside the box a bit. You’re a smart lady, so I know you can do it. What worries me for you when I read your posts is that when people suggest ideas, you respond with some version of “yes, but...”. G, I know this is a particularly rough time of year, but please try to find a way to relax and take it easy on yourself. You keep beating yourself up with your own comments about how long you’ve been single, how you thought you would’ve found someone by now, how everyone you’ve really been into has gotten serious with the person who came after you. G, GIRL, cut yourself some slack!!!!! Those are heavy crosses to bear. Celebrate YOUR success, YOUR accomplishments, and the amazing reports you received about little G and how well she’s doing. Sister, that is ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL you. I just read something recently (something I’d actually seen numerous times) about not comparing your life with anyone else’s because yours will likely pale in comparison but mainly because you know your own internal strife but know only the external view of the other life you’re comparing to. So, again, cut yourself some slack.

Another point: I agree totally with Don about OWW’s intentions not necessarily being meant in a harsh or negative way. It is sometimes a bit hard for me to read some of your feelings towards her because I identify with her to an extent. I was a stepmom who never had my own kids so I was stepmoming another woman’s children. Now granted, our circumstances were different in that I wasn’t the OW. In my situation, they had been divorced for several years before I came along. I never once tried to usurp the role of the girls’ mom because they have a mom. On the contrary, I encouraged their relationship with their mother, despite the fact that I didn’t like her. I, obviously don’t know OWW’s side of the story but even just reading yours, I don’t get the impression that she’s trying to be mean. In fact, I’ll spin a bit differently from Don and say my guess as to her motive is that she actually looks up to you as a mom and wants your approval of her skills as well, so in that vein, she’s sharing with you how wonderful and helpful your daughter has been and that she’s having a good time as a way to reassure you that little G is ok and that she (OWW) is capable of doing ok with her. I’m not trying to tell you how to feel or anything but being a stepparent, particularly if you don’t have kids of your own, is TOUGH because there’s a lot more scrutiny by the parents and it’s almost like you can’t do anything right no matter what. I truly don’t think she meant any harm.

Having said all that, I’ll just finish with this: you’re amazing so lighten up on yourself and start trying to see yourself as we all see you.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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Hey G. First of all, Happy Thanksgiving...sorry it was so lonely for you.

So, let me just get to the point. You know when you were a kid and you'd see this big puddle. And the only way over it was to back up and get a running start....

You've got a great, big ole puddle in front of you. It is made up of stresses over money and work and the house and dog and little G. And you are trying to get over it by just jumping...and that will only make you really wet.

The way over it is to back way up..and figure out stuff. You are on your way...I can see it..you just need to do a little more thinking thru your stuff.

The way you have been doing things hasnt been working for you, right? Your life isnt what you want it to be. I so get that because mine isnt either. I keep trying to get thru stuff and then more cr@p happens and I lose traction.

I know you know you are blessed in many ways...a wonderful, happy daughter, a great career, owning your own home good friends, etc.

There are some things you feel are lacking. I get that. A nice guy would certainly add to your life...though he wouldnt complete it. There are many unmarried, unattached women who are extremely happy with their lives.

But I get it, you want someone to share your life with. If you do, you have to do something different. OLD is one way..there are others.

Going places where men are likely to be..be it meetups, home depot, food stores, a sport, etc are others. I know you dont have a lot of time, but, you need to be creative and carve out some time for that.

The other thing is that you have to start to see yourself differently. What you put out there, you get back, right? The law of attraction and all that.

A confident, strong woman is a turn on..people can sense it and seek that out....no matter where you are.

As hard as it is, try to put your past luck with men behind you. Make 2020 your year to shine. Walk with confidence and show the world who you really are and what you have accomplished through your attitude.

I can tell you when you do, things will change. You have to believe what we see in you all the way through to your bones.

Life can change in an instant. How you feel and what your life looks like now will not be how it always is. You will not always feel as you do now.

As always, I am rooting you on...and love you.

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Originally Posted by Dawn70
I don’t have any great advice or words of wisdom but there are plenty of other people here who give far better advice than I ever could anyway, so I’ll just let them handle it.


Don’t sell yourself short Dawn. You provided and often provide great advice and are a good balance to someone like my more harsh tough love advice. Blending all of our comments and suggestions together nets a pretty awesome sum total.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
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Let’s stop bashing online dating because it’s not supposed to be online dating, it’s just online meeting. And if you’re out of your 20’s, and don’t work around the opposite sex, you’re likely to meet more potential dates online than in real life.

Take me - divorced in my 50’s, the only single men I meet at work are patients (absolute no-no!). In the ten years since my divorce I’ve dated several men but only ONE that I met in real life (Mr Big Lots, who picked me up while I was shopping in Big Lots. ) And although he was cute and sexy, I’m not sure I would have dated him if I’d screened him through OKCupid, because we really didn’t have much in common.

Yes there are scammers online - there are scammers and pickup artists at your local bar too. I don’t drink much and any guy my age who is still hanging out in bars picking up women is probably an alcoholic. I met some men through my band class and later performing but most were married or otherwise not a match - just friends, all of them. No handsome single fan has ever introduced himself from the audience when I’m performing. I’ve never met a potential date when attending concerts.

So really, my best source of dates has been online. At least I can usually screen them for basic literacy, political leanings, interests and hobbies, smoking status etc. That’s a lot more than I could screen for in a bar.

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“Divorced in my 50’s” - I mean I was divorced in my 50’s. In my 60’s now.

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What are the alternatives to online dating? Seems like you screen out basic things there as KML mentions more so than in real life. I really have no experience either way so just curious.

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As unlucky I’ve been in OLD, I can’t bash it. Like Kml said, I work in a department of 100% women. The doctors in my hospital are old and married, and the two I would entertain are married. One of those is my actual doctor. And I already went on a date with one through OLD, and we all know how that turned out. I’ve met 2 guys at a mar, one very early on, it was a 2 month fling, he was much younger and hot and that was it. The other we went on a real date and there was zero chemistry.

I’ve tried the Home Depot and the one time I found a guy who was hot and we locked eyes, upon closer inspection it was my coworker. He was shopping for his new house with his fiancé . Men don’t just ask you out in the grocery store anymore, because women think any random guy is some creep.
I got asked out once in a bookstore, but the guy was creepy.

Aside from mutual friends and the such, there really isn’t much of a way. And most of them were married. And there were 2 who were married who had the audacity to hit on me, and one actually stalked me.

The odds outside of OLD at this stage in life are slim. We aren’t in college anymore where people are just single looking to mingle .

M was almost real. For a while he was real. He was a win. But like don said, and I guess LH proved the point, often, I’m running into the ones who think they are ready to date, but totally aren’t. Not over their ex’s. Still have the door open for them to come back. Never dealt with the anger towards their ex’s. They are still embroiled in their exes. I just really want to find a guy who has moved on and is ready to love again. Like J’s Dr. makes it easy for him to be a man, I would love a guy who makes it easy to be a woman.

I appreciate all the advice and all the perspective. My rejection of suggestions are only of ones I have tried and failed. I have an “excuse”. But really, it’s all things I have tried. Because we all know I try and I am open. They just didn’t work for me in the past.

Tonight, my friend and I went to a paint and sip and had a lot of fun. I NEEDED to get out of the house. I was researching all of this stuff I could do alone, but I found nothing that excited me to do alone. Fun stuff to do with someone else, yes, but not alone. But I’m glad my friend went out with me. It was to just have fun, not to meet men.

I wish more than anything I could be that person who is ok being alone for a very long time. And I have been alone for a very long time. But I am not that person who can be happy with it forever. I love intimacy, emotional and physical. I am a homebody at times and want to be a homebody with someone else. It’s not the same alone. I keep going back to me and M’s las night together. I was laying wrapped in his arms on the couch while we were having a running commentary about shark tank. In that moment, I was so in love with him. I NEED that in my life.

But I went out tonight. I had fun.

On a different note, I got last minute hair appointment but it was at the time of D12’s dentist appointment. The ex agreed to come get her early and take her. Well, she was MAD. He’s never taken her there and said I needed to take her and i was being selfish. She clearly relies on me for this stuff. I pretty much told her “too bad, dad is a parent and he can handle this” and everything was fine.

I’m trying here. I’m really trying. My friend feels I really need to put myself out there again and get back online . Actually all my friends do. But I’m sticking to my promise, because perhaps in this state, what I put out there won’t yield me good results . I want to put out who I really am. A woman who has been handling her own crap for many years and is ready for something REAL. Not some filler BS u til they get their issues handled and move on. I’m too good for that. Way too good for that.

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G,

I don't see why it is a bad thing to keep all options open. In the grand scheme of things does it really matter how you meet Mr. Right?

I think it's a safe thing to assume that if a guy is divorced for less then two years and it wasn't his idea to get divorced then that door most likely could be open. You see I am looking at dating another way in which I am hoping to meet the woman who will slam that door shut forever. That's what happened when J met the Doc. If I don't get that feeling on one or two dates I let it go not to waste any more of her time. I interview quite a few people for my job and I feel I am a good judge of character and I usually know early on.

Sometimes it's so hard to absorb, apply and understand things we learn on our journey. Everything is happening exactly the way it's supposed to and people come and go in our lives to teach us lessons. M taught you that your needs are important. I don't think you realize it yet but you're getting stronger and it shows.

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ahhhh dang.. hang in there G. Focus on yourself this month, figuring out what you want and then go back at it in the new year. You got it!

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