I cheated over a span of two years (though had never cheated before that), came clean in mid-2018, we agreed to work together, I took a local job (cheating was done when I was on the road) in April, she BD'd me in May, she moved out in Aug, final papers signed (post-mediation) in Nov.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
Question: what does everyone do re: social media? Neither of us post much but there has been more of D4 lately. Candidly, part of it for me is to show others that I'm a great dad and her what she's missing out on. Not good reasons, I know, but I also know that it helps to memorialize her childhood so some posting is reasonable. But once D is finalized, do I unfriend W all over the place or still give her a view in?
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
I think this is a very individual decision and also depends on whether you are able to co-parent with her or have to end up parallel parenting.
I hadn't heard of "parallel parenting" until now, interesting. I'm not sure what the major differences are, though. We're divorcing so it's not like we are spending time discussing non-D4 items. From what I'm seeing it sounds like the major differences between the two are that parallel is more rigid, communications in parallel are done in writing, and that interactions are limited in parallel. Is there anything else? If that's the case then I think that parallel aligns best with DB.
Originally Posted by rooskers
I can only tell you that my XW blocked me from Facebook and I likewise blocked her. I made the decision not out of revenge but because it helped me to detach. The ultimate deciding factor was D13 said she did not want her mother to have access to what we were doing. So my Facebook page is about my adventures with D13 and I make sure to delete any comments or material that talk about divorce or my previous relationship. My Facebook page is a public journal for my family and friends only, my XW is not part of my family and definitely not a friend. Maybe things will change in the future.
Good points to consider. D4 thinks that our situation is normal so no opinion from her.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
Question: what does everyone do re: social media? Neither of us post much but there has been more of D4 lately. Candidly, part of it for me is to show others that I'm a great dad and her what she's missing out on. Not good reasons, I know, but I also know that it helps to memorialize her childhood so some posting is reasonable. But once D is finalized, do I unfriend W all over the place or still give her a view in?
I'm still "friends" with my XW on FB. Neither of us post much there either, and neither of us post about our R's on there at all. So I never felt the need to block or "unfriend" her. Some WAS's just go nuts posting stuff that seems engineered to get under the LBS's skin, if that's the case I wouldn't hesitate to unfriend her if it bothers you. It's your call.
Like LH said there is a feature where you can hide someone's posts from your feed while remaining friends with them. They don't know you've changed the setting, all that happens is you just quit seeing stuff they post unless you bother to go to their profile and look. I've never used it on my XW but have before on my GF, LOL!
Like LH said there is a feature where you can hide someone's posts from your feed while remaining friends with them. They don't know you've changed the setting, all that happens is you just quit seeing stuff they post unless you bother to go to their profile and look. I've never used it on my XW but have before on my GF, LOL!
Yeah, I've used that on my mom - too many cat and political posts.
I think that I can handle seeing whatever, my wonder was more around whether it's a form of continued engagement and I should give her space. I'm personally not bothered, though, so I suppose that I'll leave it be.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
I hadn't heard of "parallel parenting" until now, interesting. I'm not sure what the major differences are, though.
Parallel parenting is an arrangement in which divorced parents are able to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited direct contact, in situations where they have demonstrated that they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner.
First I heard about it was here on the board, where the WW was so out of control and would not cooperate with the LBH. He even followed her and their five adopted children to Canada, in hopes of seeing his kids. She was unbelievable! Even after the Judge laid it out, she would not cooperate and was constantly being fined. Last I heard, he was being a super dad, and she was leaving the kids with her mother so she could run around with OM. The LBH and WW could only use email (I think, and give the court copies, if necessary) to correspond, b/c she was such a horse's behind over the phone, he could not have a civil conversation with her about the kids. And so it is with some WW's. They are so full of rage at the LBH, they won't relent......even for the sake of their children.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey, been a while since I've posted. Really hasn't been much to share which is almost worth sharing itself. We're in a decent routine now. Single parenting isn't easy but I'm learning from my mistakes (e.g. going to another room and taking deep breaths when D4 hits a nerve rather than continuing to engage and eventually being more direct than I want to be). I'm also making GREAT progress on cooking - have 5+ recipes under my belt (and the Instant Pot arrives next week, ha!). House is almost completely unpacked. Still need some more furniture and art but it's definitely home now.
Thanksgiving was solo this year. STBXW has D4 in her hometown. My parents are in my city but I'm not talking to them. They doubled down on the antagonism by posting pictures of them watching STBXW's dog on Facebook (they have done more for her than for me). So, decided to skip hanging out with them. Plus side is that it has given me more time to finish some books, work out, and finish unpacking. It's been good to relax. But, there's a challenge...
STBXW emailed me last week saying that "D4 has been saying for the past few weeks how she keeps telling [her] that she misses [her] when she's with [me]" and that I'm not letting D4 see her mom during my time with her. Our agreement is that, if D4 wants to see the other parent, we'll make that happen, whether a few hours on a weekend or via Facetime. However, D4 only asks if and when she's having a pre-bedtime meltdown. This was an area of disagreement when we were married - STBXW would extend bedtime routine by up to 45 minutes to placate D4, I was (am) more of a "what do you need? Nothing? Ok, love you, good night" parent. I let STBXW know that this was more of a delay tactic than anything, avoided saying anything incendiary (different parenting styles, D4 barely mentions you when you aren't around, when she does it's because she wants the three of us together), so some kudos to myself. But then today STBXW responds with screenshots from the divorce agreement that "prove" that D4 has the "right" to talk to STBXW any time she asks (it doesn't say that) and then goes on to list signs of separation anxiety that she believes D4 is exhibiting. I don't see them myself and the school isn't reporting issues. So, trying to figure out how to respond. Few options I'm thinking about:
1) Ignore it altogether (bad idea - she'll come back to me) 2) Email her back to say that I am willing to talk in person or over the phone. I like this because I find her email to be accusatory (basically saying that I'm not doing what is in Lila's best interests) and this gets us out of misinterpreting tone 3) Respond via email thanking her for her input, validating that she has concerns and that we have Lila's best interests at heart, and essentially ignore the asks with which I disagree (as I write this I hear the conflict-avoider in me) 4) Respond via email and address each and every item in depth, including saying that we have different parenting styles, that she doesn't have D4 reach out to me, and so on (as I write this it seems ripe for escalation)
Ok, now that I've written these down it seems like 2 is the only decent approach. Any other suggestions?
And, regardless of the approach, do I mention that I feel like she's accusing me of not putting D4's needs first (among other things) or just suck it up?
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
