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ozman #2872377 11/16/19 10:56 PM
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Do I need a lawyer to file?


I agree with LH19. Not only should you get a lawyer but you should get one that specializes in child custody.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
ozman #2872525 11/18/19 07:13 PM
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Originally Posted by ozman
I need to file. I think I agree with you guys. Just because she said this and that about she doesn’t want anything from me and will not try to take S from me. I think those statements are going to fall apart when my income triples in the next 3 months. She is already getting irritated because I love my new job. She hates hers and gets irritated because I’m in a good mood in the morning getting ready for work. She wants me to be miserable with her.

I went out last night to go see a band at a small bar. This pissed her off. I think just cause I’m out enjoying life without her.

I could see her changing her tune pretty quick


Hi Oz,


Personally, I have not seen any grounds for you to divorce your W. If you had found out she was actively involved with another man, that is one thing. But you have not. Even then, an affair was not a deal breaker for many DBers that repaired their M.

If W files, then support her decision, but don't do the heavy lifting.

By all means, go speak with a lawyer, understand the D process, and what your rights are. DIY divorce is an option. There are templates and standard forms. Arm yourself with knowledge.


Personally, I believe you want to stand for your marriage. It is one of your morals. If I am wrong, correct me. I also believe you want to stand for your family. You want to stand for your son. These are also your core values. That is why you do not file for D.

This is a pro-marriage site. The easy path is divorce. The hard path is standing for your marriage. My understanding it that every couple gets to the point where they are "done".


You have a ton of personal work that needs to be done. You can do this work now, with out getting D.

For example, In your last post:
Quote
She is already getting irritated ... She gets irritated because I’m.....This pissed her off.....
You have lots work to do in this area alone. AS, LH19, and I can see it. Can you???



Your W is a mirror for you to look into and fix your issues. You are her mirror.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
ozman #2872530 11/18/19 07:28 PM
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This is very eerie because I was just about to ask “what about separation instead of filing for D”.

This also confuses me because of Steve’s comments about “don’t wait for the other person to take action”. That I should be the one who takes action


Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
ozman #2872538 11/18/19 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by ozman
This is very eerie because I was just about to ask “what about separation instead of filing for D”.

This also confuses me because of Steve’s comments about “don’t wait for the other person to take action”. That I should be the one who takes action


I've said that several times in your thread as well. I'm not specifically saying you need to pursue D, I'm just saying that Oz needs to figure out what Oz wants, and Oz needs to pursue that and not just sit around waiting to see what his W is going to do (because she may never do anything). Now that is the opposite of what I normally suggest to people, normally I recommend people take a wait-and-see approach. But that's because most people have the gift of plenty of time, and if it's going to take their W 2 years to turn around then maybe it's worth waiting for. I see your situation differently than most here because of the cancer. You are one hell of a fighter Oz, and you may have a good long life ahead of you. But you may not. You've gotten indications that perhaps you don't. Your W is nowhere close to being in a position to reconcile, and I don't think she can even handle your battle with cancer at all so she is unlikely to EVER support you in it, and you do not deserve that kind of treatment. You are worth WAY more. Whatever time you have left, I want to see you not just persevere but ENJOY it. When you write about how your W treats you, it's awful. Just terrible, it makes me really sad not just that you don't get the support you need from someone close, but that someone could be so utterly heartless towards a total stranger battling cancer much less their own spouse. I honestly don't think she's worth waiting around one more minute for considering every minute you have left is something precious. The same could be said for any of us, who knows how long any of us has left.

Just as a hypothetical scenario, if you had one year left then what would you do. Would you remain as-is with your W, or would you say "screw this if time is short I am going to spend it with people that actually care about me!" Whatever you decide, I respect that, it is your choice and if you choose to spend it with your W then so be it. But think about it. Visualize what you want from the rest of your life if you knew time was short, and make that happen.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
ozman #2872539 11/18/19 08:27 PM
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Originally Posted by ozman
This also confuses me because of Steve’s comments about “don’t wait for the other person to take action”. That I should be the one who takes action


I assume you are referring to this post:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2871998#Post2871998

It is an excellent post.




Your wife is unhappy. Nothing you can do about that. She might go deeper into the valley trying to find her external "happiness". Nothing you can do about that.


This is where your word choice matters:

"I want us both to be happy"
"You deserve to be happy"
"If divorce is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way"



As far as actions, they should be in line with your core values. Your core values define WHO YOU ARE and what you stand for.



Clint Eastwood characters typically stand up for what is right. Not what is easier. Not what is safer. Why are woman attracted to him?



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
ozman #2872543 11/18/19 08:33 PM
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Oz this is a pro marriage site and in many cases I believe in standing for your marriage. There are some cases where I don't believe standing for your marriage is the right thing but you will have to come to your own decision about this.

1)If you wait for her to file for divorce do you believe it would harm your child? Would it damage your relationship with your child? Do you believe you would not get to be as involved in your child's life because you waited for divorce? Only you and possibly a lawyer can answer these, but if your answer is an honest "no" to these questions then why push for a divorce? Like AS said let her do the heavy lifting. If the answer to many of these questions is yes then you may want to proceed with a D.

Quote
By all means, go speak with a lawyer, understand the D process, and what your rights are. DIY divorce is an option. There are templates and standard forms. Arm yourself with knowledge.


When it comes to custody please do not DIY. When I said above to get a lawyer who specializes in child custody it only meant to arm yourself with knowledge and your rights (like AS said above), not to start divorce proceedings unless your answer to the above questions was yes.

2)Would waiting for divorce permanently harm you financially? Is your marriage and standing for it mean more than her possibly getting more money if you wait for her to file after your raises? These are only questions you can answer.

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The easy path is divorce. The hard path is standing for your marriage.


100% disagree. Both are equally hard. An example would be is it harder for an abuse victim to leave or stay with their abuser? If you read or talk to many abuse victims they would tell you it would have been easier to stay than to leave. If it was easier to leave an abusive relationship then we wouldn't have nearly the problems with abuse as we do, but instead we have so many from football, gymnastics, marriages, religious groups, and many more. Standing for your marriage is difficult and leaving that marriage is just as difficult.

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You have a ton of personal work that needs to be done. You can do this work now, with out getting D.


If the most you are getting is her being irritated, ignored, lack of love, lack of emotions, angry, then getting a divorce is not going to put a stop to any of that. You would get all of those after a divorce and possibly more. If those type of things are your biggest concern then why file when you could do the personal work you need and let her get the divorce if she wants. You win either way then. If she wants to reconcile you have grown as a person and if she doesn't you still have grown as a person.


Last edited by rooskers; 11/18/19 08:37 PM.

1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
ozman #2872544 11/18/19 08:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Ozman
This also confuses me because of Steve’s comments about “don’t wait for the other person to take action”. That I should be the one who takes action

Hi Ozman,
Originally Posted by Steve
So do nothing until you are sure what YOU want. And then go get it. The worst thing a human can do is sit back and wait for another human to take action.

Steve's quote isn't about who ends up acting first--it's about deciding for yourself what you want, then actively taking whatever steps are necessary to get there. When the steps are clear, anyway. wink

Originally Posted by Ozman
“what about separation instead of filing for D”.

Oz, you keep saying you may not have many years left. Is that what would truly make you happy if these are your final years--being married, but living separately? If so, yes, live your dream! I worry a bit when I hear this, that it's more like, "Hmm.. if I do this.. and I wait long enough.. will she do that?"

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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
if you had one year left then what would you do.
What if you only had one day left?


It has been a long time since I heard the "first day/last day" lecture, but the premise was to live each day like it could be your last as well as live it as the first day of the rest of your life. I should listen to the CD again.


Life is too short to not enjoy every moment. Even the moments that most think suck.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
if you had one year left then what would you do.
What if you only had one day left?


It has been a long time since I heard the "first day/last day" lecture, but the premise was to live each day like it could be your last as well as live it as the first day of the rest of your life. I should listen to the CD again.


Life is too short to not enjoy every moment. Even the moments that most think suck.


I sure wouldn't be sitting here in the office grin If I knew I had one day left I'd take my older girls from their jobs and my son out of school and we'd be heading to the Ozarks right now driving about 120. Then we would spend the day caving, hiking and kayaking. We go once a year and I absolutely love it, I've told them when I die to donate whatever anyone will take and burn the rest and sprinkle my ashes in the mountains, and when they want to think of me then go on vacation there and know that I am there with them. If I knew I had a year I'd be a lot less spontaneous than that, would still go to work, at least for a while smile But it's a great point because we could quite literally only have a day, and how many of us are going to be riding the H-train to the pearly gates thinking "dang I really wish I had taken the day off and done something fun!" grin


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
ozman #2872562 11/18/19 09:49 PM
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So the question remains. What do I do now? Is filing for D before or after lease is up have any consequences.

If I file does this mean I’m not standing for marriage?

Steve’s statement “the worst thing a human can do is wait for another human to act”. Is still ringing in my ears. Or..... my eyes.....or something


I find this very frustrating how you take one sentence from an entire post, paragraph, or conversation and use that one statement out of context. Steve sent you a very informative post, and he was trying to tell you to know what you want before doing some action.... just to be doing something. He said don't do anything until you know what you want. When you know what you want......then don't wait for someone else to act on it. He did not tell you to file for a D, and he didn't tell you not to file. He was telling you to make up your mind which camp you wanted to follow.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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