Scout's QLC journey

[DS9]

Hey scout just checking in on you. How’s the legal stuff progressing? How’s S coping? Make sure you enjoy every minute when he’s so young because they grow up so quickly

I trust changeovers have been ok?

I’m going to respectfully disagree with some of the vets about driving the spouse away - in some instances. In my sitch, things had reached a stage where I was drained emotionally and spiritually. I was negative quite often and I’m sure I gave off a bad vibe sometimes. Work was never ending and there was a self critical self doubting monkey on my shoulder whispering in my ear. I now know through ic this is a subconscious coping/defence mechanism learned in childhood. The thing is when your subconscious behaviours kick in you can’t see your body language, your tone, and all those other little things your spouse or other people pick up on. I’ve realised this now. My cup was empty and I didn’t know how to refill it. These are things I’ve worked on as a 180

Mind you my XW would tell me about my ‘negativity’ but sometimes this was me critically analysing the situation or being realistic. It didn’t help that she was big on telling me what to do but needed improvement in actually helping achieve what she wanted me to do or be. Her bossiness was something we’d make light of but my negativity was treated like an illness.

Hope that gives food for thought. Cheers DS

[kml]

Wow, Scout, those were some giant waving red flags of erratic behavior, financial irresponsibility, and dishonest behavior that you blew right past. One of the important things to learn right now is why you ignored those red flags and how not to ignore them in future relationships.

In a relationship with a narcissist, you are only valuable to them so long as you are making them look good and going along with what they want to do. I still suspect a possible element of mania as well, as this is such an unrealistic scenario (he's a store manager but he's going to save up - while spending erratically - and retire in his 40's with enough money to afford a $150k car??? people who get super frugal can definitely retire in their 40's but not to a life of profligate spending unless they are Silicon Valley millionaires.

Mind you my XW would tell me about my ‘negativity’ but sometimes this was me critically analysing the situation or being realistic.

Interesting - my narcissistic and slightly manic ex also would accuse me of being negative when I was just analytically evaluating a situation - I guess it interfered with his fantasies.

[scout12]

Hey scout just checking in on you. How’s the legal stuff progressing? How’s S coping? Make sure you enjoy every minute when he’s so young because they grow up so quickly

I trust changeovers have been ok?

Hey DS, things have been calm the last week. No interaction except pleasantries at the front door. Consent orders are still being drawn up, hopefully will be delivered soon. S is a joy at this age, he will be two in February. He’s a little sponge soaking up language and learning about the world. I’m very proud of his behaviour, he gives and receives big smiles whenever we are out and about. He just has a gentle, friendly nature. He’s a remarkable child, in my humble opinion.

I’m going to respectfully disagree with some of the vets about driving the spouse away - in some instances. In my sitch, things had reached a stage where I was drained emotionally and spiritually. I was negative quite often and I’m sure I gave off a bad vibe sometimes. Work was never ending and there was a self critical self doubting monkey on my shoulder whispering in my ear. I now know through ic this is a subconscious coping/defence mechanism learned in childhood. The thing is when your subconscious behaviours kick in you can’t see your body language, your tone, and all those other little things your spouse or other people pick up on. I’ve realised this now. My cup was empty and I didn’t know how to refill it. These are things I’ve worked on as a 180

That’s some good self-awareness. I don’t think you are wrong, either. I remember telling H several times after S was born, and even up until he left, that not only was my cup empty, it had holes in it, so I couldn’t give him or anyone else much. In my mind, this was a temporary situation caused by the birth of the baby and I was taking steps to address it with counselling and medication. Maybe he just got sick of waiting for things to improve; it had been 15 months of despair, anger and rejection for him at that point.

I know I gave off bad vibes too. My internal voice was so negative and I couldn’t escape it. It regularly told me to drive my car off the road when the baby was screaming in the back. I cried to H many times that I wanted to disappear from my life. I considered throwing the baby across the room when he wouldn’t sleep. In short, I cycled between incredibly depressed and incredibly anxious. It would have been a nightmare to handle and probably very frightening for H. I’m sure it seemed like a jail sentence if this was how the rest of his life was going to be.

Wow, Scout, those were some giant waving red flags of erratic behavior, financial irresponsibility, and dishonest behavior that you blew right past.

In hindsight, yes. Chalk it up to inexperience in relationships, believing the best in him, and well, loving him completely enough to overlook his flaws.

Mind you my XW would tell me about my ‘negativity’ but sometimes this was me critically analysing the situation or being realistic.

Interesting - my narcissistic and slightly manic ex also would accuse me of being negative when I was just analytically evaluating a situation - I guess it interfered with his fantasies.

Yes, this sounds very similar to the dynamic in my relationship too.

[kml]

Scout -
I just want you to know, you are not responsible for your postpartum depression. This is a biochemical thing that happens to some women. Yes, it can be stressful on a marriage, but if you had been married to a better man, he would have worked to understand it and help you through it. To a narcissist, though, if you get sick you’re no longer valuable to them (hmmm, see how this echoes the coach?). From everything you’ve told us about your H in his younger days, this depression of yours is just what revealed who he always was.

I was married for 24 years to a man who I only realized after the fact had narcissistic traits. I too blew past some red flags (not as crazy as your H’s though!) When I became ill with Graves hyperthyroidism, a condition that ended up being somewhat disabling for several years, he never showed the slightest interest in knowing more about it or going to a doctors visit with me ( even though we were both MDs and he could have done valuable research for me). At the time I just struggled through it but now I realize that a real loving partner would have behaved much differently than he did.

[scout12]

Thank you kml. I'm sorry to hear that you experienced similar mistreatment from your XH with your illness. It's shocking once you take a step back from the toxicity and realise how dysfunctional and unhealthy the dynamic was. Making things more confusing for me is that H is my only relationship to date, so I have nothing to compare against.

My H's attitude towards my PND is best described as hands-off. Like a pat on the head - "there, there" - and a robotic inquiry of "what do you need?" The implication being, go and sort yourself out and come back when you're fixed. I remember one night calling him in tears and begging him to come home from work because I couldn't cope with the baby a minute longer. He said no, he'd be home at his scheduled time in an hour. Wow!

Looking back now, I'm sad that the first year of my son's life is tainted with such dark memories, and his second year will be shadowed by his father's abandonment. Hoping for a better third year

You're right that it does echo the coach. That's quite fascinating.

Having no contact with H is doing wonders for me. I feel like I'm leaving him in the dust, and looking in my rearview mirror, I feel... nothing. While I do believe he is experiencing a transitional crisis, likely brought on by the pregnancy/birth of our son, it also seems like he is simply a man who lacks integrity, honesty, courage; all the qualities I value above all else, and wish to instill in my son.

He moved out four days after BD. During that time, I asked him if he regretted becoming a father. He hesitated for a very long time before answering "I don't know. Sometimes". Our son was a planned baby, so that was hard to hear at the time. Now, it makes me determined to protect S1 from H's indifference.

[DS9]

My H's attitude towards my PND is best described as hands-off. Like a pat on the head - "there, there" - and a robotic inquiry of "what do you need?" The implication being, go and sort yourself out and come back when you're fixed.

Wow, that's just awful Scout, I'm so sorry you experienced this. Can I say this really resonated with me because I had a back injury a few years ago and basically got the same type of treatment, like it was an inconvenience to my XW. Then again, I shouldn't have been surprised, because i was told point black several times that she has no empathy. To her credit, she was very vocal and persistent in telling me what I should be doing to fix it, wanting me to operate even though I wasn't a candidate, and was very concenred about the risks anyway. I was left feeling as though she didn't care to the extent it didn't effect her. "Do something about it!" was her mantra whenever I was unwell. There were moments of tenderness though when she told me she wanted me to be well, so we could grow old and die together like in the Tom Cruise movie Oblivion, which was our favourite movie, that I can never watch again. It was all so, so confusing. Sorry, rant over.

integrity, honesty, courage; all the qualities I value above all else, and wish to instill in my son.

These are wonderful qualities, and your son is lucky you are there for him.

The impression I get from your comments is that your H was seemingly like he is throughout. Is that right, or did he change for the worse? I sincerely hope H comes around and returns a far better H and father.

[scout12]

"Do something about it!" - wow, really? That's ice cold. Inconvenient is exactly how I'd describe it. Like a blot on their otherwise picturesque life. My H would also tell me how to fix things and had little patience or empathy for things he did not or could not understand.

Well, now I'm not sure what was truth regarding his character. He had some good qualities - he was funny, affectionate, intelligent, friendly. Gosh, I'm really struggling to think of positive meaningful characteristics to describe him. Kind? Not intrinsically. Thoughtful? When it was expected, for special occasions. Empathetic? Definitely not. Judgemental, weak, shallow - yes. Deep down, I knew these things about him. I loved him anyway. It seems more and more likely that this is simply his character and the mask slipped. Perhaps he had to run away because I saw the real him.

I honestly don't know if he's capable of better. He said two weeks ago that he was in counselling. That he spends an hour a day exercising, meditating, communing with nature. I wouldn't have expected him to be so willingly introspective. I wonder what he is learning about himself, if anything.

Do I sound bitter? I don't feel that way. For years I accepted him for who he was, perhaps to my own detriment. It's kind of freeing to realise I do still accept him, it just doesn't have to affect me any more.

[scout12]

By the way, it is incredibly therapeutic to reflect on the past in this way. It helps me heal. So thank you DS for asking that question.

[DS9]

Again scout a pleasure and glad to help you with your self reflection.

Yes she would really say that even when there was nothing that could really be done. Thankfully I was not often ill.It’s awful to remember but a few days after my dad passed I was still recovering and I remember her getting angry and yelling at me for being withdrawn and telling me to snap out of it. It’s like I was under her spell. I always felt less than worthy of this strong powerful woman and the fact she pursued me made me feel like I was someone special and obligated to compromise how I felt. She loved me but didn’t respect me I think. That she was quite insecure about what I saw in her and that I would leave her only added to my confusion.

That’s great your h is getting counseling! That is really positive and I want you to think positive about it too. I only wish my XW would get it.

No you don’t sound bitter at all. It helps telling your story. I think unlike you I didn’t accept all my xw’s faults, but I did love her unconditionally and would do anything for her if that makes sense

I think, like you, I didn’t have much to compare her with as my previous long term relationship ended up with me essentially being her carer due to illness so it was a relief when that finished and meeting my XW later and how different she was

Anyway, what gal have you and your son got planned for the weekend?

[Gerda]

I had cancer a year after BD1. I had all these bags hanging off me that had to be drained and he did it the first day but then I looked at his phone and saw he had been texting OW while I was on the operating table under the screen name,"My Secret Other Wife." I told him he couldn't help me with anything if he was doing that and he told me it had been over with her but he was so scared when I was in surgery that he wrote to her because she was his only friend. He agreed it wasn't right and said he would end it again.

I don't think H ever even made me a cup of tea, and I was back to cooking for the kids two days after my mastectomy, back at work at the biz we shared after two weeks and he had done nothing there while I was gone.

Now it's five years since cancer. He seemed to be coming out of it in 2017 but then he filed last year and the same OW is leaving her H for him and helping pay for his apt since he has convinced everyone that he shouldn't have to work more than 6 hours a week.

NOTHING CAN WAKE THEM UP. Back pain?! Not even cancer!!!