Thank you all; very solid advice. I am glad I put it out there.
I think as Andrew said, I am looking for closure. Seemingly simple this idea of getting closure and yet as it is totally illusive it can cause me to do crazy 8’s.
Thank you all. So very helpful.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I think he honestly wants you to come and say he knows. He would love for you to come and say it so he can tear you down. Because it’s his MO and he’s a little crazy like that. Don’t give him that satisfaction.
But if he thinks you might know, but doesn’t know if you know for sure, that will drive him nuts for sure. And that’s more satisfying. Let him squirm.
I’m so happy you have found someone wonderful who sees exactly how wonderful you are. I have always thought your ex had some psychotic break beyond MLC. He couldn’t see your worth? That’s nuts. But you deserve all the love and respect in the world
Well, I’ll offer a semi-contrarian view. What is it you’re hoping to get out of telling him? If it’s an apology, or even an acknowledgement of the truth, you won’t get that, so don’t bother.
If all you want is the satisfaction of letting him know he hasn’t pulled the wool over your eyes, AND you don’t think it will trigger him to do anything that would harm you, then go ahead - I understand wanting that satisfaction.
But I wouldn’t share anything about it with your kids unless they ask you directly. You’re not obligated to lie for him, but it’s really best for your kids if they don’t figure that out right now.
And yes, he’s probably trying to keep you apart because he lied to OW about your relationship. Usually they’re not bothered at all about waving the OW in the LBSs face, so this is probably the case. In which case OW is a victim of him too.
Just be glad you’re free to be in a much better relationship,
KML - I want closure, which I know is not possible. And, yes, I would love the satisfaction of letting him know that I know he’s a cheater. But, Iike Ginger suspects, I know he’ll turn it on me and gaslight as he always did when confronted.
And sadly, I think my kids do know because they can see how fast it all happened and connect dots.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I probably have a different perspective on this since I can't get past step one and still have to dread all of them. But it seems to me that he's now pretty much done all the cruddy things he can and you don't have to wait for the next bomb to land and can just give yourself the closure to move on for good with all of that behind you.
You also know now that your story is just like everyone else's. He wasn't the exotic, crazy, basement-dwelling, food-paranoid, non-affair unicorn of an MLCer. He was just sneaky and you kept living your life and taking care of your kids. Job always says they are giddy for the first 6 months in the light. Let's see what the holidays look like next year.
I personally don't think it matters if you tell him. Since they are married and she has met the children, it isn't likely that doing so will make him more free about having her around them. If anything I think it will insulate you some more. Every time he gets out of line or even suggests any kind of interaction you could say, oh yes, I've been so looking forward to speaking with her. Whatever keeps her away from your events.
But my guess is the reality of the one-two-three sucker punch was a bit much and the grounded, yet devil-may-care HaWho will very quickly bounce back and see that he just isn't worth it in case he might be flattered that you care, and the speed of these disclosures is a blessing. Nothing else to dread. Just a tiny speck in the rear view window that gets smaller and smaller with every mile you take in the opposite direction.
Your guy sounds awesome. Exactly the type of person who would deserve such an intelligent, funny, and strong woman.
Why not just carry on as if you've known all along .... That'll drive him nuts trying to figure out how much you knew and when. And also means that you can openly acknowledge the reality of the present.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I wouldn’t give him that sort of attention. Just talk logistics in a polite manner.
Accusations , arguments, any type of attention shows him that you still care. Indifference is where you need to be. People like him, feed on attention and the idea that two women are fighting over him - which is how he would perceive it.
They know what they did and did it anyway, so any rational talk you want to have with him is just a waste. I think a lot of us protect who WE are onto them and you can’t do that. They are different people.
From my own personal experience, telling him that you know or asking about it isn't going to give you the results you want. I point blank asked my XH when he said he wanted a divorce if there was someone else and he, of course, said no. For 3 months, I had no idea and actually believed him. Exactly 2 weeks after our D was final, I found out there had been another woman all along when he introduced her to the world as his girlfriend. Now, his admittance that he had a gf so quickly after D was what raised a red flag for a lot of people, but to this day, he blames me for some of our couple friends turning their backs to him when it all happened, saying I lied about him being with someone else to make him look bad and that I turned people against him. (Uh no, his lovey dovey "this is the best thing that ever happened to me" posts on facebook with said woman were what shot up red flags. I didn't have to even open my mouth to anyone about anything...he did it all himself because actions speak louder than words and he somehow forgot that.)
I get wanting closure. I think it is very natural to want it. But, telling him you know or knew isn't going to achieve that for you. Try to find closure for yourself independent of him, if that makes sense. In the DB vernacular, find a way to just drop the rope, so to speak and focus on yourself and he will gradually fade from your thoughts, outside of things you have to deal with him for related to kids.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
KML - I want closure, which I know is not possible. And, yes, I would love the satisfaction of letting him know that I know he’s a cheater. But, Iike Ginger suspects, I know he’ll turn it on me and gaslight as he always did when confronted.
And sadly, I think my kids do know because they can see how fast it all happened and connect dots.
Have some quick thoughts, Ha... 1. and most important here: you are in a rare position in that your exh is following Big Daddy Exh's example right down to the chick's name ... so you already know how this is going to end. How long was Big Daddy Exh married to the OW? How did that relationship play out? Betting this will go in a similar direction
2. The best and most worthwhile effort is spent on your own life. You've already given this crazy person more time and space than he deserves. While I completely understand wanting to let him know he got away with nothing, the best revenge is to hit him where it hurts most: live your life grandly, spectacularly, and of course, get any and all monies owed to you.
Much love, -B.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you all so much for the advice. I took some time to just let it all marinade.
I am going to work hard to hold my tongue and not tip my hand that I know he married his OW. While it might give me satisfaction, I still have to work with him on splitting bills for my kids. So KML, I do think he could adversely react. If he decided to withhold funds (which I totally can see him doing) it would be a nightmare to go fight him on all this for the next 4 years. In the end it is just not worth it for a bit of one-upping him. He got married without his own children there and clearly plans to keep Mrs. OW in the shadows. So, he is living in fear and shame I am sure.
Juju, Dawn and Bttrfly, I heard what you two said. It is not worth my time. I leave them to each other. I’ll go to Costco to buy enough popcorn for this show.
I feel very, very fortunate to be free of the crazy that became my life. Onwards and upwards, always and forever.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
