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Re: Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D [Re: HaWho] #2917680
04/11/21 07:09 PM
04/11/21 07:09 PM
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DnJ Online
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Lol. BOGO.

I never heard that term before. Haha.

He is a classic MLC character in a very sad story. One of many. I often wonder which of the multitude of these lost and troubled souls will awaken and face their inner torment; rather long odds unfortunately.

I have a suspicion he is trying to work up the courage to apologize (sort of).

Vindication is kind of good isn’t it? Even though his words, thoughts, and actions really do not make or break your life. Still, to see his story unfold along predictable lines is interesting. And dare I say, even hopeful, for him.

D


Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
Re: Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D [Re: HaWho] #2917681
04/11/21 10:21 PM
04/11/21 10:21 PM
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HaWho Offline OP
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Honestly, there IS vindication in it, DNJ. He kept telling me how miserable our marriage was. Surrre. The marriage was SO bad you went out and got remarried in a hot second. That’s just what logical people do at the end of a terrible marriage.

I don’t want anything to do with him; too many years of lying and deceit. And he really put me through h€ll. He put us all through it. I am far from perfect but that guy is just a fundamentally difficult person.

Sometimes I still cannot believe how crazy he went. How ironic it is that he repeated his dad’s story: married his affair partner who even had the same name as his dad’s affair partner.

The funny part is that he’s been single longer after his marriage that lasted less than 6 months than he was single after his marriage that lasted 18 years. He remarried 9 months after our divorce was finalized!!!! I fully was expecting to see an MLC baby being born over there...


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Re: Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D [Re: HaWho] #2917682
04/11/21 11:40 PM
04/11/21 11:40 PM
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It’s sure nice to be clear of that confusion.

I total understand you not wanting anything to do with him. I much agree, he is a difficult person. My pondering is just a theoretical wondering where his rock bottom is, and if he might be close to hitting it or not.


Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
Re: Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D [Re: HaWho] #2918034
04/21/21 03:20 PM
04/21/21 03:20 PM
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Something Job said had me wondering about how those in MLC work through their issues. My ex and his affair partner/wife # 2 divorced within 6 months of the marriage. If, as Job says, it wore out once the glow and high of sneaking around burned out, how does the MLC person continue to work out their issues when that person disappears so fast?

I would think they would need to be together longer for him to really move on from why he chose her? After all, usually the first year of a marriage is full on honeymoon stage. Of course, I have no idea how long he was sneaking around with her. It would not surprise me if the emotional attachment was not forged in 2015. We D March, 2019. He remarriage her December 2019 and they divorced June 2020.

I am no longer interested in R, but still very intrigued by MLC. Any thoughts?


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Re: Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D [Re: HaWho] #2918035
04/21/21 03:40 PM
04/21/21 03:40 PM
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Posts: 3,721
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I think that many of what we call MLC people keep chasing after their rainbows and the next "high". Running from their past rather than toward a future.

I'm pretty confident that my own ex has settled in to her new life despite following much of the playbook even down to the obligatory tattoos. Must come with the kit. On the other hand, how many other options does she perhaps have? She's not rich, she's not young, she's decent looking but nothing really special. She wouldn't be able to "trade up" like men like your ex perhaps expect to be able to do. She's more or less trapped where she is.

I think that many of them lack the self-awareness or courage or both to be able to face their issues and I expect that some like your own ex regard themselves as not having issues but the rest of the world being the problem.

If we go back to what is "canon" for MLC - they go down their paths until they hit rock bottom and then climb back out. But what that narrative doesn't speak to is that it is always possible to dig a hole deeper. There's a country music song "Can't dig out of the hole" - but most people don't see that.

Are they content? Can they ever be? Doubtful - otherwise they wouldn't have run off in the first place. The very few reunification stories I've ever encountered show that even if history doesn't repeat that the lives of themselves and those around them are in turmoil and uncomfortable.

My ex-wife had and presumably still has a lot of anger issues and would rage about how unfair and horrible that the people she worked with / dealt with were. Your's had a basket full (or perhaps basket-case full) of control issues and phobias that he projected on the rest of the world. To us when we are in the midst of building a relationship with them, we try to accept this as a "normal" - it's only from the outside that we see how distorted it is.

And I can certainly say - that from my experience with entitled and narcisistic people, they only get worse with age. What is charming and quirky at 30 becomes disturbing. My ex-father in law who my ex-wife was much like was a charming and friendly man who also incidentally had multiple affairs. When he was older though, he was just a creepy old man who took no responsibility for anything around himself.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D [Re: HaWho] #2918036
04/21/21 03:41 PM
04/21/21 03:41 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,928
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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HaWho,

They may have been together for quite some time before marrying. Once the glow of the honeymoon stage dimmed, life began to take hold, i.e., bills to pay, jobs to work and...don't forget that during the pre-marriage some people are on their best behavior and once the ring is on the finger, then it's not long before the real self comes out to play. MLCers are very good at playing the victim and/or the good guy/gal, but all of that can change if they know that they have reeled in a partner who is willing to marrying them.

I would venture to say that he will hook up w/someone else. Some do this and others will travel the road of self by being by themselves. There are those who don't have affairs and/or marry affair partners and yet they seem to manage to work on their issues and some do come out the other side okay. It all depends upon the person, their personality and childhood issues. Your h could be one of those who will always play the victim and cry "poor me" to anyone that will listen. Time will tell now that the marriage is over.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D [Re: HaWho] #2918630
05/06/21 10:07 PM
05/06/21 10:07 PM
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HaWho Offline OP
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Thanks Andrew and Job. Job, I think you are right and he’ll find another quick band - aid/gf or wife #3.

Boy oh boy is this just weird. My ex married his affair partner and asked my kids to keep it all secret from me. They never discussed her at all. My younger said she was nice. My older son never said much. Ex married her 9 months after our divorce. Not sure how fast he moved her in as everything is a big secret there. (Which if you’re hiding major parts of your life like this, that really speaks volumes.)

Anyway, as I just learned that marriage ended short of 6 months. S17 now has his first gf, and they’ve been “dating” for a few months now. His first high school romance is close to outlasting ex’s second marriage. LOL!!!

Anyway, kids of course were told to keep the divorce a secret from me, too. So dysfunctional. I talked to them each separately and received some bizarre answers. When I told S17 I had heard ex and his wife divorced and asked how he was doing with it all, he blew it off with a “it’s no big deal” and a shrug. I asked what happened and he said they just split. Easy come, easy go, I guess?!?! Messed up. I did tell him marriage takes time and work. It’s not something to be entered into or broken easily.

When I checked in with S15 I received a really bizarre answer. He said he was fine with it all and she was really nice. I asked what happened and he said they got along great, never fought. His dad told them he was ending it to “spare them from going through this all again”? Not sure what that meant and s15 could not or did not want to clarify. S15 did it slip that though s17 said he was ok with it all, he later told his dad he was not. And s15 said dad did it “for s17.” They know she was his affair partner. He did not set her up to succeed.

I did tell s 15 that people don’t divorce if things are going great and so there had to have been problems. (Otherwise we’d all be divorced on our honeymoons!) It scares me that he is drinking that Kool Aid from ex’s well. And a d in under 6 months says something went very wrong very fast. To the point that they did not bother working on it.

So concerning to have all this written into their FOO story now. I have so much anger for all my ex has written into their lives.

By the way, ex caught strep throat so something tells me he is out and about hunting for wife 3. My kids did not give it to him and he does not go into an office. With mask mandates everywhere, methinks he is on the prowl once again.

Just wanted to report how weird these people get. The secrecy is astounding; a whole life in the shadows.

I’m doing ok. Just trying to process all that was done to us and our lives.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Re: Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D [Re: HaWho] #2918645
05/07/21 03:34 PM
05/07/21 03:34 PM
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DnJ Online
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Good Morning HaWho

Oh yes, astounding is right! These MLCers live in such a shadow. It is much like how a teenager keeps their life secret from their parents. The MLCer’s adolescent behaviours they hide from their former partner and life. Spouse, old friends, work colleagues, kids, their parents, etc... see only the shadow these crisis individuals now reside within.

My XW never speaks to me. And she seldom shares anything of her life with her children; especially anything of importance. Her rare conversations are superficial small talk and mostly digging and inquiring into the children’s lives.

Your XH spent many years in his “dorm room” hidden away and living as a teenager. He still is living in that adolescent emotional realm it appears. The shadowy secrecy is necessary for him. Guilt, shame, regret, and so on push and pressure within him; and he cannot face it. MLCer’s lie and convince themselves (and anyone who will listen) of their fantasy view, even as reality slams against them. His divorce within six months is very telling. And still, he runs and cannot look towards his torment.

The boys do interact with Dad and do hear his beliefs and narrative. S17’s, “it’s no big deal” comes right from his Dad. S15’s view of Dad and Wife#2 never fighting, also sounds like Dad’s justifying and explaining to those who will listen.

You are correct. Marriage takes work and should not be entered in to, nor thrown away, with such ease. Though, XH’s marriage to OW was on rather feeble ground, being built upon the sandy foundation of lies and deceit.

I understand your concerns about the yarns XH is spinning, and the Kool-Aid he is pouring for the boys. Please do not underestimate your power when it comes to writing their family of origin story.

Originally Posted by HaWho
So concerning to have all this written into their FOO story now. I have so much anger for all my ex has written into their lives.

Yes it is concerning. And an incredible opportunity for your boys to learn some truly great life lessons.

That, is what is before you. None of us would wish this upon our lives and especially our children’s lives. Yet, it is here.

Your anger is perfectly normal and understandable. And part of processing all the secrets which you are now uncovering. Feel it and let it go. Act and behave, as you can and will, to combat against XH’s sad narrative. You cannot control his actions or words, only your’s.

Write better upon your boys’ book of life. Better views and beliefs of what is: friendship, love, marriage, respect, trust, accountable, responsibility, honour, faith, loyalty, and so on.

One does not fight fire with fire. The MLCer will expend enormous energies into maintaining their fantasy and view point. One cannot fight head on. Beside, fighting begets fighting. We come at this from a different tact.

Continue to lead by example. Providing small course adjustments to your boys’ lives. Have those conversations regarding girlfriends, dating, what marriage means, valuing people, etc. They are 15 and 17, and will be living their somewhat hidden secret lives as well. Have faith, it is ok, and normal. Keep being Mom. Loving and open. Their beacon. The boys will figure out the truth and better path. As much as they seem to not be listening or paying attention, they really are.

My kids were thrown away. They know what Mom did, and how she treated me and them. And none of them would want their spouse to treat them like Mom treated me. The biggest lesson for them was/is finding forgiveness for Mom. That allows them to live and love their life. To love another. To be happy. To date. To see a proper marriage. And so on, all without the nagging feeling and expectation of the rug being pulled out from under them. And, it falls to us, the strong stable parent, to lead and inspire them to that great life. To inspire them (and ourselves) to let go and seek better not bitter.

I realize I’m preaching to the choir here. You know this. You’re a seasoned vet. Still, a little encouragement from a friend who’s been in similar shoes can be such a boost.

You are doing very well my inspiring friend.

D


Now: Me53 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
Re: Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D [Re: HaWho] #2918863
05/16/21 12:59 PM
05/16/21 12:59 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
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if you feel up to it, and think it will make you laugh rather than triggering you, i highly recommend the John Cleese britcom, Hold The Sunset. It's on Britbox. The character of Roger ... may seem a tad familiar to you. I just binged the series (11 episodes). Well worth it.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

Everyone is doing the best they can, even if it's a lousy job.
Re: Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D [Re: HaWho] #2919397
06/02/21 01:26 AM
06/02/21 01:26 AM
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HaWho Offline OP
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Thanks DNJ. Just good, solid advice.

Bttrfly - not sure where to get Britbox but I’ll look into it.

I am zero contact with my ex-MLCer; we rarely text and only about kids. Recently I was under the weather and told the kids they should stay with him an extra day or two just so that I was not passing anything to them. My ex texted me saying he had $$ plans the following day and needed 24 hours notice to cancel and not lose money. (I bet this is his way of saying he has another woman in the wings.). He asked is he thought I should cancel. He still has not told me he divorced his affair partner. So I said, sorry to disrupt you and your wife’s plans but I would cancel. He thanked me but then he said “as you know, I have been divorced a year now. But thanks for the ‘sentiment’.” I guess my kids told him I knew.

I decided to have some fun and said something like “oh, your marriage and divorce all happened so fast, who can possibly keep track of it all. We all are taking bets on when you will have wife #3.” I fully expected him to spew.

Instead he joked. He asked what theodds were as he might want part of the action.

I told him most of us agreed he was already married to wife #3. But we thought this time he decided to keep it a secret from everyone, even his own kids. Then I said that I had bet he married wife 3 at the courthouse while he filed for for divorce from wife #2. Maybe she was even a clerk there?

I fully expected him to just rage.

But he wrote back “ha ha. That is pretty good actually.” He then said wife 2 was good for him but the relationship with the kids was strained. So it was an easy choice after that. Then he said tell the bet makers there will not be a wife 3 til our younger son graduates and leaves for college. Then he said signing off (his way of getting the last word.)

Interesting that he felt the need to tell me she was a good choice for him. Suuurrrre. We always divorce people in 5 months who are good choices. Wink wink.

I found it interesting that this is the first conversation in years where he did not spew and where there was some semblance of a sense of humor.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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