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HaWho Offline OP
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Hi All,

Here is the link to my last thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2870688&page=1

But, I think it is about time I move on to the Surviving the Big D Forum....it is my reality.

If interested, please find me there! Here is my new link:

Switched On



Last edited by job; 11/09/19 04:30 PM. Reason: Fixded the link for HaWho

Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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HaWho Offline OP
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Calgon take me away! The few interactions I have with my ex are (still) quite something. Ownit - I have my own jack-in-the box!

Pax if you are reading, my ex opens his door just like yours does. I call him the Once-ler from the Lorax, ever lurking.

So, a few days ago I get a text from ex saying our dog has a gum issue, he sends a pic to his brotherís wife who is a vet and he tells me the dog needs a cleaning. He offers to pay for it so long as I take him. I am suspicious. But then I feel guilty for being suspicious of his kindness. So I say thanks and agree. And I think: eureka he is growing up and we will be civil!

But I get home and something in me thinks: why would he offer to pay? So I look at the gum and it turns out the canine is cracked! I text a picture to the same vet (Ex sis-in-Law) and ask if she saw the whole picture of that area. And sure enough, he only showed the gum. Now; why would he do that you ask?

Well, get ready. He taught the dog to fetch rocks! Yup. And I told him this was awful and the dog needed a ball. Nope. He thought it was clever as he then taught the dog to play soccer with rocks using his nose and paws. Long sigh.

Ok, so I explain this to vet/ex sis in law and she says the rock cracked the tooth, it is infected, causing gum swelling. And I have noticed bad breath, loss of appetite and more sleeping. So I text ex and tell him sis-in-law saw full pic and this is not a mere cleaning and explain he is sleeping a lot and not eating well. I kind of thought maybe he was just getting old. I ask him to handle this as he caused it with this dumb rock game. Though I certainly was more delicate in my delivery.

This is where his maturity is really going to shine through. He tells me the dog does not sleep too much at his house and says lack of appetite and excessive sleep are probably due to him having to endure my company. Ahh, so mature. And then he tells me I am not allowed to talk to his sister in law! Hah. Seriously! Guess he thinks this is Saudi Arabia?!?! Um, and how do plan to stop that?

I ignore because I just canít believe this is where he is mentally. When you step away from this it is just jaw dropping to glimpse it again. But I forewarn ex sis that sheíll get an ear full from her hubby as my ex will be rip roariní mad that we have maintained a friendship. (She has long recognized something is wrong with my ex.). And she told her h to back off as she can have her own friends and is not to be controlled (you think?!?!).

Ex then texts that I need video proof of him playing this with the dog. And I just say: you know you did it, you know I did not approve nor did I play this with him, our kids know you did it and they saw it as well. There is right and there is wrong. (Guess he has yet to reach that developmental stage.)

He says it was cracked before we separated and I owe 1/2. I really do not want the dog in the middle of this. But I say, if that is the case, why did you not ask me to pay 1/2 in the divorce proceedings? If you had done so, I would have said this was your thing with the dog and you should take care of it as I had no part in it. The judge would have sided with me based on this and he would paid for it. And then I told him contractually we agreed no renegotiated past expenses. If we were married I would owe 1/2 for his moronic behavior but we are not.

One more glimpse of where he is mentally? A few weekends ago we pull into the parking lot for sís game at the same time. S is already at the court so he thankfully is not witness to this silliness. Ex speeds past me in the parking lot which is full but for 3 spaces right near each other. I pull into one. No sign of ex who pulled a NASCAR lap on me. Someone pulls into the spot next to me. I get out and see ex had pulled into the third one and is smirking, trying not to laugh as he speed walks past me.

You just canít make this stuff up! This is 5 years post BD and heíll be 51 (still going on 17).


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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job Offline
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He's still out there! Be thankful he is not living under your roof any longer. That poor dog isn't feeling well because of the cracked tooth. Evidently, he didn't take the dog in for your former SIL to check him over before advising you that he had gum issues. What a putz!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Ha Who

Unreal-very sad

I think the only way they can justify their still unhappiness and poor choices is to throw it back at someone else
as if anyone can cause you to be unhappy or happy..peace , joy is an inside job

I hope your dog will be ok
what a stupid idea to allow the dog to play with rocks
Sad thing is do they ever snap out of it

I think on here we see more MLCers never coming back to reality
I wonder if some make it back?
Be curious to hear more of that


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Good grief! Your poor dog! Iím so sorry to hear of the cracked tooth. Poor pup! That makes me so mad!

And that instance in the parking lot..... itís amazing all the things they do to give themselves perceived power. Just gotta shake your head.

Itís incredible seeing grown men behave this way. My ex is going to be 50 in 4 months and he still acts like a man child. Truth be told, itís sad and I feel compassion for these lost sous. Something is definitely not right with them.


Good luck this week. Hope you have nice plans for thanksgiving.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
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Good Morning HaWho

Sorry about the dog; poor little guy. I hope he gets fixed up and feels better soon.

You handled H really well. I really loved this part:

Originally Posted by HaWho
And then I told him contractually we agreed no renegotiated past expenses. If we were married I would owe 1/2 for his moronic behavior but we are not.

Lol.

What a goof H is.

And if he thinks he can demand who you or exsil can or cannot see, omg, he has so lost the plot.

You are standing tall and strong.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

DnJ


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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I'll drop over to you one of these days to say hi.

I'm glad you can handle such interactions serenely, calmly and strongly. Good on you.

Best wishes to you and your dog


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Originally Posted by HaWho
And I think: eureka he is growing up and we will be civil!


I recently had the same thought about mine. NOPE!

Originally Posted by HaWho


This is where his maturity is really going to shine through. He tells me the dog does not sleep too much at his house and says lack of appetite and excessive sleep are probably due to him having to endure my company. Ahh, so mature. And then he tells me I am not allowed to talk to his sister in law! Hah. Seriously! Guess he thinks this is Saudi Arabia?!?! Um, and how do plan to stop that?


You know Ha, this is sooooo familiar, it's scary. Are you sure your exh and my exh aren't related?

Originally Posted by HaWho


I ignore because I just canít believe this is where he is mentally. When you step away from this it is just jaw dropping to glimpse it again.


YES. Just happened to me this month. Crisis with son, on phone exh was reasonable and helpful. I thought wow, finally! help is on the way. Then he flew into town and started similar behaviors to your madman. All I could imagine was a five year old throwing a major tantrum, as he yelled, screamed and chanted "I'm not listening to you I'm not listening to you I'm not listening to you I'm not listening to you." This from a 50 year old. It's shocking, isn't it?


Originally Posted by HaWho

Ex then texts that I need video proof of him playing this with the dog. And I just say: you know you did it, you know I did not approve nor did I play this with him, our kids know you did it and they saw it as well. There is right and there is wrong. (Guess he has yet to reach that developmental stage.)

He says it was cracked before we separated and I owe 1/2. I really do not want the dog in the middle of this. But I say, if that is the case, why did you not ask me to pay 1/2 in the divorce proceedings? If you had done so, I would have said this was your thing with the dog and you should take care of it as I had no part in it. The judge would have sided with me based on this and he would paid for it. And then I told him contractually we agreed no renegotiated past expenses. If we were married I would owe 1/2 for his moronic behavior but we are not.

One more glimpse of where he is mentally? A few weekends ago we pull into the parking lot for sís game at the same time. S is already at the court so he thankfully is not witness to this silliness. Ex speeds past me in the parking lot which is full but for 3 spaces right near each other. I pull into one. No sign of ex who pulled a NASCAR lap on me. Someone pulls into the spot next to me. I get out and see ex had pulled into the third one and is smirking, trying not to laugh as he speed walks past me.

You just canít make this stuff up! This is 5 years post BD and heíll be 51 (still going on 17).


No dear one, you cannot make this up. Not at all. All I can say, since I don't want to hijack your thread with my own tales of horror, is this: I firmly believe that MLC is either a mental illness or part of a personality disorder, since so very many of these MLCrs display the same behaviors - FOR YEARS. By my reckoning we are now 4 years and almost 8 months post BD, with definite symptoms apparent an additional two years before that. Today I believe my exh is never coming out of it. Heartbreaking really, since our son is so desperately in need of a positive male role model. I'm sorry to say that after holding exh in a compassionate space for years post BD, today I have zero compassion for what exh must be going through. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, but today, no. I'm just too angry. I'm very grateful however that both you and I are free of these fools.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

Once we face the things that we fear they no longer have power over us.
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Thanks all; so thankful for this sounding board.

On the heels of what Job said, my ex is still out there. And like, Bttrfly, I donít see mine getting out of his funk.

I thought of what Westo wrote elsewhere; that one of the key reasons to detach is to try to shelter yourself from too long a list of disappointments that then make it hard to want to R. I no longer would want to R. Maybe for this reason; just saw too much in the years he lived with me and spiraled before my very eyes. It is hard to unsee that all.

I have limited contact with mine but from what I do see he is super stuck in anger and the past. Messages from him are a broken record. For a guy who wanted to move on and find himself and now has exactly my what he wanted, he is forever rehashing the past.

Nearly every communication from him is an opportunity to ooze anger and score petty points. I texted him yesterday asking him to pay his 35 for tutoring for son as he pays this while I pay something else. Tutoring was moved to my night this week so I asked him still to cover it and he told me it is my night so now I can cover it. This is not the way it is supposed to work but some people just need to win pointless battles. Then he goes into his usual mantra. He then told me he should not have to even pay for tutoring at all as he already pays me so much. Next: all I did was birth the children and nothing more. According to him I was useless after that moment. Then he told me I wasted money on lawyers when he wrote his own (very good- according to him!) proposal for settlement. Okay. The drumsticks are worn down from that drum he has been beating for years now.

It actually made me sad that he is stuck in this loop. And to think me asking him to pay 35 bucks is an opportunity for him to lash out. For the first time in a long while I considered addressing him somewhat in an attempt to push the stuck needle on the record. I wanted to say I was sorry he felt the marriage was such a loss for him. (Of course I have the gifts and cards proving he felt otherwise in the 14 years before BD.). I wanted to tell him I felt I needed to secure my own lawyer as he was no longer forthright with me: secretive; had a secret bank account, was dishonest about his comings and goings; basically that he was wildly unpredictable, etc.

Mostly though I wanted to tell him: it has been 5 years since you told me you needed freedom to find yourself. You have exactly what you wanted and you are still harping on the past. I have found peace and happiness and I wish nothing but the same for you. P.S. You wonít find it with this death grip you have on ruminating on things that happened years and years ago.

Not sure why I feel the need to say this all. Maybe it is my way of ever trying to fix. I did not say anything in the end but it made me sad that he is not looking to the future. I see such bright days ahead of me and I was so devastated by his MLC.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,974
Likes: 27
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How did I miss the post about the rocks. Oh my. So grateful that mine usually doesnít talk to me. Hoping we get back to that soon. Also, only cats and they donít see him (since he held them hostage two years ago). I think in this case you just have to wish him well in your heart. My guessóheís seeing that he isnít happier and it is just something else that is your fault.

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