[/b]Hello everyone ~ It has been quite a while since I was a regular poster. Those days were full of pain that I would not have wished on my worst enemy. I will be forever grateful to the people on the forums that kept me afloat by offering support and sound advice. Thank you all. [b]
If you have stumbled across this thread and are a newcomer, please know that you will get through this awful chapter. You will discover an inner strength and you will find joy again. MLC is real but unfortunately, many friends and family members won't understand your situation. They may minimize it as another divorce. As time goes on, friends and family will realize you were not being dramatic - MLC is not just another divorce.
When everything gets to be too much, stop here and regroup. This is a safe space full of people that really understand what you are experiencing. You can yell, you can cry, you can ask any question or share your fears. These forums offered a lifeline to me when I felt completely isolated.
X ghosted our life 5 1/2 years ago. BD - Happy 25th anniversary. He ran cross-country after OW when she left his company. They got married 2 years ago. Our girls were 16 and 19 at BD. ~ We had a strong marriage for at least the first 20 years. I was naive and never thought that a midlife crisis actually destroyed relationships and that it could destroy the life we built.
XH remains a ghost. Estranged from our daughters; he never returned to visit them, just a few texts the first 3 years - he never called them. Never told them he was marrying OW. He ghosted them too. On the positive side, he sends support as agreed. I still grieve for the man I married but I also question the reality of our life together.
Sorry - Did not mean to ramble. Trying to catch up but the details are such downers. Let's get to the good stuff:
VICTORY MILESTONES 1) Iceland, France, UK, Taiwan, Italy, Africa for the girls and some new spots in the US for me - I am beyond frugal and I have learned to find incredible bargains. 2) My oldest got through college and grad school 3) Youngest graduating soon and going back to Africa with Peace Corps
MENTAL MILESTONES 4) Finally able to sleep deeply after year 3 (what a difference) 5) Can make decisions without renumerating for an hour (that is still a struggle) 6) Not letting XH running off define our family - My girls and I reset the narrative
REALLY IMPORTANT SMALL THINGS THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE 7) New pets for new memories after our dog passed away 8) Scanning in photos and letting the hard copies go was freeing 9) Scheduling tons of activities and always saying yes to friends to keep loneliness at bay.
AND FINALLY 10) Time is your friend (to heal, to accept and to forgive)
I still grieve for the loss of my husband and our marriage and our family. I GAL constantly. I understand XH made choices - I knew him for over 30 years and even if he wanted a divorce he wouldn't have ghosted his daughters. It is tragic and it is real this MLC - maybe not for everyone but for some spouses. I also know that I couldn't control it but I can't let it control me either. Haven't started dating yet - not sure I will have the opportunity. Not brave enough for dating apps at the moment but you never know... Life is full of good surprises if you take the time to get your bearings and ask for help along the way.
Thanks DB family for letting me post this whole stream of consciousness therapeutic rehash. Hope some of the folks circa 2014-2017 are still on the forums,
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Wow - can’t believe he’s never woken up enough to try to see the girls. So glad you and the girls have been able to build good lives without him. I can’t help but wonder what lies OW tells herself to justify him abandoning his daughters.
You’re strong as steel, girl. So glad to hear you came out the other side.
MLC divorce is just not the same as a garden variety divorce. So few people IRL understand. I stopped saying much because it was all too complicated to explain and my reality did sound crazy.
Like you say, after all that time together it is hard to understand the reality of who our ex spouses really were. It blurs. Recently, someone asked me about my ex and who he was before MLC and it was all so hard to answer. I was so unsure of my stance of who he was. I often defer to my sisters who are resolute in their answers. “Yes, he loved you.” “Yes, he definitely changed altogether.”
Amazing what you have accomplished. Nice to hear an update.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Welcome back Gwen! It's nice to read an update and your accomplishments. I agree with the ladies...MLC divorce is certainly one for the record books because nothing is normal when dealing with someone in crisis.
Please do not be a stranger! Come back and visit again very soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Gwen. I read up on your thread today. Thanks for coming back and letting us know how you are doing. Gives newcomers some hope when people return to let them know there is life after BD and divorce.
With the exception of your XH’s treatment of your kids, my sitch is similar. In my case, my XH basically ignored our kids for a few years while he was leading his double life and since moving in with OW #? (he still won’t admit there has been more than one but when it quacks like a duck....), he has been a pretty good dad and reasonable in his interactions with me. But... my BD was in mid-September last year (he was outed by my family) and after two weeks of indecision, he fully moved out and presented me with a separation agreement in December (still denying OW), was engaged by March (still not admitting to OW...I found out after the fact), purchased a home with her in April and we signed divorce papers in May. Less than a year...14 years gone...as if it meant nothing. Is it MLC? Possibly. Like you, I often wonder if the person I married ever even really existed. I like to think that he did but I don’t know. If not, it may just be a significant character flaw. Regardless the reason, he is gone and although I may never fully understand it, I have accepted it. As I’m sure you know, there is significant relief when you get to that place.
Anyway... your posts really resonated with me. I remember really struggling with many of the same feelings and truth be told, still do from time to time. But...I have moved forward and taken the high road for the sake of my kids. Like your Maya Angelou quote said... I will not let this define me. (((HUGS)))
