I agree, what she is doing here isn’t assertive. It’s sneaky.
You know this doesn’t feel right and you use the word “uncomfortable” that’s your gut! Listen to it!!!
Deep cleaning her house and storing her stuff? I would never have the cojones to ask that of a NEW boyfriend, let alone a boyfriend. Anything M did for me was offered in the beginning. Like picking up my wood and helping me carry it. I turned him down twice actually, but he insisted. And she’s got a team of kids and doesn’t work! Why is she asking you?!? And yes, although never to my dads approval, I clean. Constantly. I deep clean I find the time on Saturday mornings, after work. And when my dog. Wakes me up really early, I take that time to clean. Oh, and my house got my dads stamp of approval this time . I also work long hours.
Like I said, great if you are enjoying time with someone. But once again, you are following her lightening speed. She’s got a plan and motive, this one. This is how she supports herself. She’s stuck on a vicious cycle. Don’t get caught up in in it.
You are falling back into white knight saving a damsel in distress and I don’t think you are seeing it happen this time. And yes, she is actually in distress. A cycle of it .take control of the reigns, quit letting her guide the pace! You have fun hanging out, so hang out. Stay in the dating stage for a while. Let her save her self. Girlfriend needs a job. She’s home all day while her kids are in school? Time to deep clean! That’s all her problem. Does she pay for any of your dates?
I don’t discourage dating her if you enjoy each other’s company. But I think what you want in a relationship is simply what the other person wants. You follow their lead and go along with it. And these women can sense those types. Change it up my friend! Don’t be that type! Listen to your gut . Take a little control here. It’ll do you good
Is this how it started with B? Then she was moved in? I hope she isn’t rushing this along because she needs a home for her and her 4 kids....... I’m really, really hoping .
With B she came back from vacation to an apartment with a mold problem that got worse in her absence that made her very sick. So she stayed with me for a few days to get better. Then we talked and since her lease / legal obligations were up in a month or so I suggested she move in here rather than move in to a a room in shared accommodation.
Originally Posted by job
When is the young lady going to pick up her stuff that you've been storing for quite some time. Maybe it's time to think about giving her a drop dead date and if she doesn't pick up her stuff...you will be having a wonderful yard sale since it appears that things are bought rather quickly from your yard.
LOL - I ran in to 20 Something's bestie at the charity dinner last night and she's said that she's going to lean on her on my behalf. We'll see if that does any good.
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Thanks all - I do appreciate the input even if I appear to be ignoring it.
We had a great time at the charity dinner. S was excited by the chance to dress up and wore a nice dress and heels. It was a "new" dress that she had gotten a great deal on at a second hand shop. I of course was in my bow tie. I was worried that in this small town that we'd be over-dressed but we blended right in. S was surprised at the number of people she knew at this event. We ended up "winning" the bidding on a very nice hand crocheted blanket that S's dogs were reluctant to see leave later.
When I went to pick her up I was amazed - a significant amount of the random clutter was just gone. She and the kids had busted their butts in the last few days. Heading over there soon to do the tall person stuff. We chilled at her place after the event. Her kids seem comfortable with me.
There is still an amount of the surreal about all of this on how I just seem to be being accepted by her kids. On one hand it makes me think that they are used to a revolving door of guys but that doesn't check out in other sources. S told me that D18 had commented on how different things seem to be between her mother and I even especially compared to the STBX who she felt that there was no deep connection.
I had an odd experience in the barber shop where I've been going for about 30 years. My barber has heard it all. I mentioned that I was seeing S and he actually cuts the hair of a former boyfriend of her's. The story from S checks out. The guy has a serious drinking problem, can be a jerk when he drinks, he thought a lot of her, it's very much in the past and was some time ago.
I think that one thing that is very different here from what most people might expect is that both B and S could be considered low income. Lovely people who are as deserving of love as anyone else and who are in their circumstances due to complex reasons. We all will agree that I am an obvious target for such women which is where I have struggles in the navigating understanding their motivations. As do those looking at this from the outside.
Well - I need to get what ironing I can get done done and then off with the scrub brushes and toolbox.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
We all will agree that I am an obvious target for such women which is where I have struggles in the navigating understanding their motivations. As do those looking at this from the outside.
Ouch!
Yes, no one can know for certain the inner motivations of someone else.
One of the strengthens of a forum like this, is the group. Many viewpoints can be listened too. One can even quantify the results from the different sources on things one struggles with. The results may be counterintuitive, and not feel right - a good time to just pause and think about what one is doing. Not necessarily stop, just assess.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Thanks all - I do appreciate the input even if I appear to be ignoring it.
I find that one needs to listen to all advice. But, one doesn’t need to heed all advice.
Everything has value. It can highlight areas of ourselves we would like to modify, and it can strengthen behaviours/beliefs we are happy with. Advice may be followed or not; it is the act of listening that truly bring the change, and there is always a change.
In the end it’s a choice - your choice. And you know your situation better than those of us looking in from the outside.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Happy Wednesday from a rather snowy Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan. I'm going to have to go out at lunch and see if the snowblower is still working.
The weekend handy man thing went well. Some plumbing and HVAC repairs done. S had planned on using my skills on a daunting task. She had a large storage closet that had started with good intentions but over the past few years had become a dumping ground for "whatever". We pulled everything out, cleaned, reorganized and ended up with enough space that we could dance in there, so we did. Because of the sheer volume and weight of the items, there is no reasonable way that she, even with the help of her kids could have accomplished this. It took pretty much the entire afternoon and the higher shelves which ended up with some heavy boxes of fragile mementos on them would have been very difficult for her or her kids. We took a break in the middle to watch the first episode of Good Omens which she seemed to enjoy. S12 got bored of the show after about 10 minutes and wandered away. S made us a nice dinner. Interesting to see how she cooks vs how I do. I tend to over-think and over-plan. S just browses what she has handy, tosses it together making sure there are enough left-overs for whatever random child isn't around and does it well. That's where nearly 30 years of doing this every day makes a big difference.
We were very pleased at how well we worked together. Very different from trying to do things with my ex. I made suggestions, S considered them and sometimes countered with her own view. Sometimes we'd do a bit of organizing, realize it didn't work and then re-do it. It was no big deal. When we were done we were both happy with the results and looking forward to the next challenge.
We have our big adventure to a romantic inn and then up to Ottawa planned for next week. It should be fun. I may slow down on my updates here although I'm keeping my diary up to date. There's really not too going that that's worthy of exploring that's not already been explored.
In other news, the ship that should be replacing the one my son in law is stuck on appears to be just about ready to leave port. My D27 still isn't talking to me but I know she'll be happy to get her husband home. I've extended the olive branch, there's no need to whack her over the head with it. When she's ready to talk to me again, she knows where the lighthouse is stationed. No need for it to go running around after her.
Finally, my weight continues to slowly go down undoubtedly because my beer consumption is cut in less than half. When I do have one now, I don't enjoy it as much as I did. The beer that is currently in my fridge is about a week old and will probably last at least another week or so - something unheard of this past summer.
Oh - because food is important - Farmer's sausage and potato wedge bake planned for dinner tonight. S is coming over to watch Episode 2 of Good Omens this evening. My butcher has guaranteed that his sausages are gluten free. It's an easy meal to put together and is one that S25 pioneered.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
S just browses what she has handy, tosses it together making sure there are enough left-overs for whatever random child isn't around and does it well.
Dude, that's not surprising in a county where you mix fries and cheese curds together and then smother it in gravy and call it a treasured national cuisine. Oops, that was a typo, it should've been "cheese curds."
I came across a sailing movie that I'd never heard of; it's titled "All Is Lost." It stars Robert Redford. It came out in 2013, but I don't remember ever hearing about it back then. It's a pretty good movie, although it's certainly not a "Master and Commander" type of movie. I don't want to spoil anything but I will say that it's not a chick flick. I think you'd like it, but you'd better watch it soon because your main squeeze will start moving in this weekend so you'll no longer have discretion when choosing which movies to watch.
Bumpin' uglies in Ottawa. Don't slow down too much on your updates to this forum; we love to beat you up regarding how quickly you take a deep dive into relationships. You're the Usain Bolt of dating.
Last edited by job; 11/13/1903:14 PM. Reason: edited language
Checked out the movie preview. It looks quite gripping.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Now - it's a good sign that you and she cooperated nicely on the closet cleanup. (As for your insistence that they couldn't have done it without you - there's this modern invention called a ladder, I'm pretty sure they could have done it without you.) And the fact that she is actually interested in getting things in order is good - although I agree with others, she's not working a job and kids are in school, why did it take you showing up for things to get moving? Theoretically she has plenty of time to work on this while you're at work.
Not dissing, just saying keep watching for clues. I'm no neat freak and it's definitely nice to have help when reorganizing. And maybe dating has just suddenly made her aware of the chaos she'd grown used to. But your job is to figure out if she's just someone who always looks to be rescued and continues to make poor choices (such as not getting a job when she really needs to). Or if she's someone who is genuinely getting her act together.
I’ve never been so humiliated in my life, and you Andrew, are largely to blame.
Sunday evening my oldest son’s girlfriend had supper with us (grilled salmon if you must know). We started talking about food that was gross and food that we disliked. I eventually said, “You know, Canadians eat this stuff called poutine. Immediately my son’s girlfriend chimed in, “Oh, poutine! I love poutine!!! How could you not love French fries smothered in gravy with cheese curds?” I vomited in my mouth. I couldn’t believe what I’d heard. I soiled myself. It was a sham, a travesty, a mockery of our way of life and all that we hold dear. I couldn’t believe my ears.
In retaliation I said, “How could you eat the cuisine of a socialist country that has a lame duck prime minister?” A heated discussion about Canadian politics ensued. I weep for Gen Z; they don’t understand all that we’ve gone through in this country to provide a poutine-free existence. I’m so ashamed.
I’m going to have “the talk” with my oldest son. I don’t see any possible way that he can maintain a relationship with that floozy. I never thought it would come to this.
Anyway, I hope everything is going well for you. How was Ottawa? Are you finding enough space in your house to store your new girlfriend’s stuff? When will the fam be moving in?
