Thanks DS! Those are some harsh words you had thrown at you, much worse than what my H said to me. WAS can be so vicious and angry, I feel like saying "you are getting what you wanted, why aren't you happy about it?!"
With regards to self-correcting, another 'save your relationship' program (female-oriented) suggests to recognise and apologise for any disrespectful and/or controlling behaviours. In this case, it was a case of 'reply in haste, repent at leisure' for I felt badly about my terse response. My conscience did feel lighter once I apologised, so I feel it was the right thing to do. Next time, I'll take my time replying to prevent emotional responses.
Re. GAL - it's very hot! Very sad about all the fires burning up the country.
Yes I had a lot of venom. She loses control sometimes. I’m proud I took the high road though. I get angry though when a man picks on a woman or swears at them so I apologise if I seem harsh or critical of your H.
Taking time in responding is definitely a good plan and very much advocated here. The emotional turmoil inside should never be displayed on the exterior.
Does your relationship program dovetail with the principles here? I find the advice here to be far more practical and at the pointy edge than some of these courses which can be more philosophical and generic.
Thanks I’m planning on a body bash in the surf this weekend after a shop for some new boardies. One of my secret GAL passions is shopping for stuff for me and my home! T k max is my go to haha!
Hope you and your son have a good one too and sending positive thoughts and vibes that your H will be calm and respectful.
Cheers DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I already posted this elsewhere but I’m still debating how to handle it, so perhaps someone else has an opinion.
Co-parenting isn’t working with H. He withholds important information, doesn’t respect me as the custodial parent, and doesn’t put S1’s needs first. For reference I have 100% physical custody of S1 as per the standard arrangement for infants and very young children in this country.
Our verbal agreement is that he visits S1 at my home to maintain his consistency and routine. This has been drafted in the consent orders which H will receive this week to review and sign. He comes over one morning and one afternoon a week. The afternoon is fine because he picks him up from daycare, takes him to the park, and drops him off in time for dinner. The morning has always been uncomfortable for me because he’s in my home after I leave for work. I put up with it because I didn’t want to send S1 out of the house at 6:30am when he’s just woken up.
Lately I’ve been coming home from work on these days and there are no dirty breakfast dishes. The agreement was that H gives him breakfast at home, gets him ready, and spends time with him before daycare. I’m concerned that H is not sticking to the agreement and might be taking S1 to his house without my knowledge. He refuses to share his address because he thinks I’m keeping tabs on him, and knows that he isn’t supposed to take S1 there until he does. He will have to give that information in the consent orders anyway, so there is no reason to conceal it. I don’t trust him to tell the truth if I ask.
Should I:
1. Raise it in person 2. Raise it over email 3. Raise it in the legal documents
I actually don’t have a problem with S1 going to his house, but there is a bare minimum amount of information that the non-custodial parent should provide to the custodial parent as per standard arrangements in this country, especially of a pre-verbal child - home address, identity of other residents, evidence of childcare amenities. I just want to make sure S1 is happy and safe and I feel that H is not meeting his parental responsibilities by withholding this information. H doesn’t know that I know about OW, and I’m sure that maintaining the secret is his motivation. What should I do?
All WS know deep down that what they are doing is selfish and not in the best interest of the children. My ex said basically the same thing "for once I'm going to do what I want". Definition of selfish right? I still trust her with my children.
I have to ask the question that if you don't trust him with your child then why did you marry him and why do you want him back?
Scout, don't confront him, a verbal agreement isn't binding. Wait until he signs the actual agreement, then you might consider getting a camera so you can verify if he actually is leaving the house with S. If he is and that's a violation of the written agreement, then you can address it with him or with your L.
