Just want to journal a bit on any latest developments. Not too much new.
Went to S4's dental surgery and when I arrived she was in the corner of the waiting room talking all low and sweet into her phone, so I just assume she was talking to her AP (Whom she is now living with). Whatever, didn't even acknowledge it and just mouthed at her asking where S4 was and she pointed to a different part of the waiting room where he was playing with toys. She stayed for long enough for them to take him back to begin the surgery and I sat with her mother in the waiting room for the hour that he was under. It was nice to finally talk face-to-face to her mother and get some closure there, because she definitely sees what is going on now and I can tell she is so disappointed in her daughter. She also informed me that she missed S4 and W staying at their house so they could spend time with their grandson, since W is now living with AP full-time, and S4 is there during the weeks that she has him. We exchange him between us every week.
I am disappointed that in the divorce papers I did not write anything up to prevent her from allowing my son to stay over there overnight. I am almost too drained to even mention that this is going on to anyone in real life now because 99% of people tell me I need to get a lawyer and figure out how to get this taken care of where she cannot do this. Even daycare has told me that my son definitely is err'ing on the side of structure, because during her weeks he seems much more anxious and moody and has even made comments such as "my mommy doesn't love me," and they say during my weeks he is typically much better.
The way I look at it -- with the divorce being finalized in mid-January, what is even the point of trying? Even if I hire a lawyer for thousands of dollars and get something drafted up, she is to the point she would never honor whatever is in the papers anyway. I expressed to her early on that I did not want her affair partner around my son, and she adamantly denied that it was even happening, and that is when the AP texted me himself telling me it was not illegal for him to be around my son in public places and told me how abusive and controlling I was. So I look at any move I try to make with legal action to prevent my son from being around him or staying overnight will just be looked at as one more "controlling" behavior of mine, which will draw the two of them even closer.
I mean there's two scenarios here. 1) Their relationship continues forward and they last for the long-haul and she and my son do both "officially" move in with him in the next few months. Great, more structure on both sides, more people to love and support him. They get married and everyone rides off into the sunset. 2) Their relationship fails in the next few months before it ever becomes seriously long-term. Well, then she goes back to her parent's house with S4 and the problem basically resolves itself. Then a few months later she will find a new guy to latch onto and rinse and repeat the process.
Both scenarios, no matter what efforts or thousands of dollars I try to put into preventing my son from staying overnight -- she is going to do what she wants to do. She has no respect for me whatsoever, any efforts I do make will just be looked at as controlling and revenge. Just curious of anyone else's thoughts on the matter.
Lastly, the holidays are stirring up emotions and stress that haven't reared their head in a good while. With so many days off of work, spending time alone with S4, having to do all of the Santa/Christmas shopping on my own for the first time, it's just been so overwhelming. Honestly I cannot wait until it is all over with. It's been cold and rainy so S4 and I have been stuck inside for days and I keep a constant stress-headache just trying to keep my head above water keeping him entertained, keeping me sane, and keeping up with all of the chores of the household. You don't realize how much more beneficial having someone to tag-team with (or even just vent to) is until you're all alone. That's another point of resentment for me right now towards her because she has her AP to bounce off of.
Hi NL3, I'm so sorry you and S4 are going through this. OM sounds like a real winner. I see your point about why get an attorney in the first place if they will ignore the documents however for piece of mind, have you talked to one? Most consult for free. Have you documented some of what is going on other than on here? I wonder if the court would want to give you full custody based on the extreme circumstances. Something to consider. If S4 is already being impacted, its worth a consult and some charges to make sure you and him are protected.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I see some similarities between our sitches and feel for you. That sht about your son sleeping between W and OP would make my blood boil. Sounds like you have been handling things well and have realized that you can control nothing she does.
I wanted to ask, has your W shown any signs of depression in the past? You spoke about sudden tattoos and changes in behavior, could you expand on the changes you saw in your W behavior wise around the time of BD.
Make sure you are 180ing on all negative behavior and try to become the best version of yourself. I would also highly recommend speaking to a DB coach as it has been crucial in helping me vent and understand certain things.
It sounds like you are currently in LRT, only contacting regarding your son. This is good, keep at it. It was roughly 4-5 months of LRT and me filing for divorce before my W starting reaching out to me again. I want you to understand that your W is not happy right now and will eventually have to look inwards and address her own issues. She may never and will most likely stay unhappy forever. Time and space is so important at your stage as it’s likely your W will realize she is still unhappy and as your are not in the picture anymore she may begin to see that you were not the sole cause of her unhappiness.
Continue to lovingly detach as it sounds you have been. Be strong emotionally and be the lighthouse for her. Watch from a distance. She may reach out and say a lot of things. Try not to focus on the words but to watch her actions. Show her nothing but happiness and kindness, even if you are hurting inside. If she is able to make it through this, and you guys are able to R, she will need to feel forgiveness from you. Don’t tell her that you could forgive her but show her through your actions and stability. Also, work on oozing confidence.
Be kind, but do not be a doormat. Do not bend over backwards for her and be wary of manipulation.
Realize that it is noble to stand for the M if that is what you want. Your old W may resurface if she is able to work through her own issues or she may not. It’s up to you, how long to stand but know that this time is a gift. Time to be the best you, that you can. If things improve with your W, great. If not, you will be a stronger, smarter version of yourself who will be a better dad and a better partner for your next R.
I wanted to ask, has your W shown any signs of depression in the past? You spoke about sudden tattoos and changes in behavior, could you expand on the changes you saw in your W behavior wise around the time of BD.
Yes. After our son was born she suffered severe post-partum depression and got on depression meds at that time. Once she got on the meds things improved pretty quickly and she was fine for about 3 years. She got a job at a plastic surgery clinic about 2 years ago and after about 6 months to a year things started to change dramatically. Especially after she got her boob job. We both began drinking a good bit and were both constantly bored/complaining all the time as it just seemed that our entire life was devoted to keeping our child entertained. She began having a constant desire to get tattoos. She always wanted our son to stay with one of our parents so she could have the weekend off, but most of the time she still didn't want to spend any time with me. She began taking "girl's trips" at least every month/every other month with her co-workers. I do know she went with her co-workers but who knows if she met any guys and had any fun with any men on the trips. I am thinking she may not have gone all the way, but possibly got some attention and free drinks and it sparked something in her. In the 3 months leading up to BD, she went on a girl's trip every single month. She began wearing far more makeup than she ever has in the past, began getting her hair far more done up than she ever has in the past, and began buying and wearing sexier clothes than she ever has in the past. Not to mention going to the gym for 1-2 hours 3-5 times a week, which is where she ended up meeting OM.
I mean she claims she emotionally checked out of the marriage about 2 years ago. I do not believe that timeline but do believe it was about 6 months-1 year prior to BD. Honestly at this stage of the ballgame, I do not hold out absolutely any hope that she will ever "come around" .. I think this is just the human that she is. She's always been very superficial with self-esteem issues and I think finally getting her boob job was what solved many of her self-esteem hangups to the point she felt confident enough to monkey branch to someone that she considers better (which in her case means better looking). Which I am a skinny, frugal, nerdy, shorter, quiet guy and the new guy is extremely buff, loves spending money, taller, very confident and outgoing. She told me many times when we started dating that I was definitely not her type as she always liked the more muscular, athletic types. Most of her boyfriends before me were what you would consider "meatheads," and that is also what I would consider this new OM.
I believe a lot of this has been from the people she is surrounded by at her workplace. She told me after BD that all of her co-workers told her she should just divorce me if she's unhappy because they're on their 2nd or 3rd husband now and they're as happy as can be (all alcoholics and drink pretty much every night and party every weekend). Even her therapist told her that once you fall out of love with someone, there is no way to get that back and it sounds like she needs to just go ahead and pull the trigger on divorce.
:shrug: I guess this is just the price that has to be paid sometime when you begin dating when you are young and grow into different directions. However, I value marriage more than that and believe that no matter how different two people and their interests are, you can still make the marriage work if both parties are willing. But I know that is a very outdated way of thinking in the 21st century. I loved her to death and would've done anything for her, but I know there's no sense in wasting my time and energy on someone that doesn't feel the same for me. Onward and upward I suppose. Just hate it for my S4 the most, as I will always be a firm believer that the two parent household where the child isn't having to get shifted back and forth between two different households is so much more beneficial for the child's emotional/educational outcome. I anticipate many issues especially as he reaches school age.
Hi NL3, I'm so sorry you and S4 are going through this. OM sounds like a real winner. I see your point about why get an attorney in the first place if they will ignore the documents however for piece of mind, have you talked to one? Most consult for free. Have you documented some of what is going on other than on here? I wonder if the court would want to give you full custody based on the extreme circumstances. Something to consider. If S4 is already being impacted, its worth a consult and some charges to make sure you and him are protected.
Get an attorney. Like now. Why? Some courts will allow the appointment of a guardian ad litem who will basically be the child's attorney to represent their best interest. If being around the AP causes the child stress, the court could craft a custody arragement to alleviate the situation by ordering certain restrictions on custody. If she violates them it could be grounds to change the custody arrangement. i.e. lose physical custody of her child. You've got to get some evidence that it's not in the "best interests of the child" to be around the AP.
The custody orders are a binding agreement that she can't just decide not to ignore. She could get into some major league trouble for violating the order. And the order better say for sure that he AP is NOT authorized to care for the child.
She has to decide if she loves her AP more than her son.
So today at noon was the exchange with my W. We agreed on a gas station that is relatively close to OM's house so I can assume that's where they will be spending Christmas. About an hour before it was time to meet her, I began asking S4 if he was ready to see mama he said yes and he said he's' ready to go to Mimi and Papaw's (her parents where she was living when she initially moved out). I just calmly said well what if you and Mama go stay at OM's tonight because that's where Santa's going to come? He started bawling, tears flowing down his face.. "I don't want go to OM's house!! OM scares me!!" I calmly asked why he scares him and he just said "He just does!! I don't want to go to OM's house!!" all while steady crying with tears flowing.
This broke my heart.
Well noon comes and I get there a little before my W does and see OM's truck parked in the parking lot next to where we were meeting with him sitting there watching the meetup spot. My W arrives and sure enough she's on the phone but is not even speaking to who is on the other end (we can assume OM). I try to mention a few child-related things but she basically just ignores me and acts like she's listening to whatever the person on the phone is saying (even though it's silent..). As I pull out of the parking lot, I actually end up behind him and eventually he swerves over to the left lane and slows down big-time like he thinks I am confronting him or something. I didn't even look his way and just drove on home.
