NewLife I do understand how hard this is. My XW in her first affair use to ask me to run errands on the weekend to get me out of the house. She would then invite OM over and make D (she was almost 3 at the time) go to her room so OM and XW could mess around in our living room naked.
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I tried to get her family involved
This pretty much never works.
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she treats me like I'm just the dog crap under her shoe
It has taken me a long time to realize, but yes, that is how they view us. She has zero respect for you. She does not see you as a husband, man, or even a human being right now.
The best thing to do is detach, GAL, work on yourself improvement, and be the most amazing dad in the world when you have your son.
Last edited by rooskers; 11/25/1903:14 AM.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
(((NewLIfe))). I get the disbelief... in less than a year, my XH moved in with OW (and her two teenagers), got engaged (before the divorce), bought a house with OW and has got himself into such a financial pickle that he has a hard time affording an $80 item for our D11 that he has been promising her for months. Prior to that he was debt free and we were making $170,000 a year combined. When he comes out of the limerance phase, he is going to hate his life. This after 14 years together... like none of it mattered.
Like your W, my XH has a hard time looking me in the eyes. My guess? Shame. He knows what he did and what that says about him as a person. Those first six months were the worst. I was a wreck. Could not believe this was my life. But I’m moving on... I have no choice... and neither do you. I also realized that I had been living without my XH for the better part of five years (long convoluted story) so it wasn’t a huge adjustment living without him... I just had to let go of the idea of him and of the life I thought we would have together.
Just keep moving forward and spend as little time as possible thinking about your W and her AP. It is hard but with persistence, it gets much, much easier. I barely think of my XH and OW at all and when I do, it is fleeting and it does not impact the rest of my day. You will get there. I promise. Until then...just be the best man and father that you can be and fix the things about yourself that contributed to the demise of your MR so your next R will be that much better.
When he comes out of the limerance phase, he is going to hate his life. This after 14 years together... like none of it mattered.
Yeah... It's just so hard to wrap your brain around how someone that you cared so much for over a decade and thought they cared about you can just throw it away so quickly with seemingly no remorse whatsoever.
I think that having thoughts such as "when he/she comes out of the limerance, they will feel terrible" are actually bad thoughts for us betrayed spouses to have. Chump Lady equates karma to a bus, and we're sitting at the bus stop waiting on the karma bus to come... For some people, it never comes. I have a co-worker who was married 7 years and her XH walked out on her for OW and now they're married and have two children together. It's been many years now, and she'd still be sitting at the bus stop =/
I mean I know this is anecdotal, but I think it helps us to have the mentality that we could completely careless if karma does come their way or not.
So... I had to see my W the day after Thanksgiving to exchange our S4, and in the moment of seeing her and getting back into my truck and leaving -- a switch completely flipped. Up until that day I had spent so much time on these forums holding out hope she would come around, constantly watching YouTube videos about being separated, being broken up with, etc.. But after I saw her for the first time in about a month -- I don't care to do any of those things.
I felt absolutely nothing seeing her. I felt no feelings of missing her, I didn't think she looked pretty. I didn't want to give her a hug, kiss her, or anything. She's practically living with the OM now (including my S4 the weeks she has him).. and I'm just... done. I don't necessarily hate her or sit around thinking about all of the terrible things she's done anymore.. I'm just ready to move on. My D will be final in January and I actually feel excited to begin the next chapter of my life.
I'm assuming this is a normal point to get to, it just feels eerie that it almost felt like a switch flipping. One day she constantly consumed my thoughts and I just wanted to reach out to her and then the next I feel even if she came to my house begging for me to take her back I would have to say no.
Just curious to hear from others if there was a singular day they can pinpoint that the switch just flipped like it did in my case.
Like I just stopped caring to "stand for my marriage" anymore. I just sat down.
Just curious to hear from others if there was a singular day they can pinpoint that the switch just flipped like it did in my case.
It has been about 10 years, but I remember lots of different switches flipping. Getting to the forgiveness switch and wishing her happiness is your goal. Unconditionally loving someone that has hurt you soo bad is a great switch to flip.
Keep moving toward that goal.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Just curious to hear from others if there was a singular day they can pinpoint that the switch just flipped like it did in my case.
It has been about 10 years, but I remember lots of different switches flipping. Getting to the forgiveness switch and wishing her happiness is your goal. Unconditionally loving someone that has hurt you soo bad is a great switch to flip.
Keep moving toward that goal.
I forgive her. I wish her all the happiness in the world, because I need her to be happy for our S4. I just don't want to be any part of it.
For what it's worth, I got the accusations of "emotional abuse" and so on, too. Pretty soon she'll tell you that you are a narcissist who only cares about yourself. As others have suggested, IC is good, will help to keep you level. Feedback is a gift that you should always accept with grace... and sometimes drop in the garbage can. We all make mistakes, have our low moments where we say things we regret. It's just an excuse for her to justify her behavior.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
There are four fingers pointing back at you when you point at someone. Everything you judge in others is what you condemn in yourself. We are all broken. Fix yourself. That is all you can control.
Do not take anything personally. Others do not understand. Forgive them. Over and and over and over.
Live by this.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
For what it's worth, I got the accusations of "emotional abuse" and so on, too. Pretty soon she'll tell you that you are a narcissist who only cares about yourself. As others have suggested, IC is good, will help to keep you level. Feedback is a gift that you should always accept with grace... and sometimes drop in the garbage can. We all make mistakes, have our low moments where we say things we regret. It's just an excuse for her to justify her behavior.
Thank you. I think that's one thing that has propelled me into my current mindset of no longer wanting anything to do with her. If she only knew how much pain, self-blame, and suicidal thoughts she put me through in the weeks after she dropped the bomb.
I won't deny that there weren't instances that could be labeled as verbal or emotional abuse in our relationship, but none of that has warranted the way she chose to handle the end of this marriage and the emotional abuse she put me through with this new gentleman in her life. The final straw for me was when I found out from the OM's ex-GF that there were multiple instances of him pinning her in the corner screaming at her and her advising me I should do everything in my power to prevent my S4 from staying over there. I informed W's mother of this, and within 10 minutes I had a long text from OM telling me to quit texting W's mother and he began on the accusations of me being manipulative, emotionally abusive, and verbally abusive to my wife.
Keep in mind this OM is the same man that doesn't allow any of his girlfriends to have any social media, he checks their phone calls, text messages, doesn't allow them to go on trips without him, all while he cheated on his last GF of 2 years with 3 other women. Yet I allowed my W to do anything she wanted. Never checked her phone, allowed her to go on any girl's trip she wanted, never cheated on her. Just a few instances of me being frustrated and yelling at her and calling her names I shouldn't have.. And I will forever regret it. All I can do is learn from it and move on.
After hearing the words "he's just a friend" one too many times all while knowing she is staying over there every night she doesn't have our S4 and half the time she does have our S4, and still being told how terrible I am on a consistent basis if I made the mistake of trying to reach out to her, I've just decided to never allow her back into my home as a spouse. I know I have a ton of work to do on myself and she does too. But unfortunately she hasn't even found the shovel yet to begin digging into her own issues.
Just crazy to think how scared I was of when the D would be final for so long. Now I am honestly excited for the day to finally come (Mid-January per her lawyer) to no longer have any legal attachment to her in order to begin my new life.
