I discovered this site when my husband of 25 years left. His departure and the ensuing divorce were full of drama, pain and intrigue. I was emotionally devastated.
Over time I've learned the following things:
Whenever I felt hurt or 'less than' my mind gravitated toward all the mean things that happened in my marriage. My mind would never let go. Once I realized that correlation things improved.
I was angry and destroyed when he left, sealing the door behind him. How he left made me so angry and I'd obsess over the injustice and lies. Several years down the road I realized he left a toxic relationship. I had been in denial about how bad it became. Once I accepted that I felt a sense of gratitude that he ended it. It became my job to let go of all that hurt I held as a wounded victim. Imagine that.. I was the one supporting all that was hurtful. Life got better when I let it go.
Living a life of gratitude is more rewarding than picking at injustices in the past.
Early on I read that I should include my former spouse in the gratitude pool. I was initially grateful I did not send a herd of camels to his abode. That was the best I could do at the time and while feeling quite magnanimous. I improved over time. Recently I was very grateful for how we handled a financial misunderstanding. I appreciated his thoroughness and patience and let him know.
During our marriage I placed him on a pedestal and thought of him as a demigod equally benevolent and terrifying. I stayed 'less than' after the divorce consistently fearful of what he'd do. One day I woke up and realized we were just people. Two feet on the ground. Standing. No big deal. There's a first time for everything!
This has been a time of immense growth. I tried the best I could with the skills I had while married. Now I'm thankful for how much healthier I approach life.. boundaries, interactions.. and being able to communicate rather than choke on words. Being honest and comfortable with who I am on all levels is so relaxing. I can screw up and still be great.
This has been a long journey that has taken the right amount of time. Instead of kicking myself for not learning things faster, I pay special attention to what wise souls share with me now. Sometimes getting out of my way is the best remedy.
I wish I had just let go as well. I fought his leaving. And with us too, it was a really toxic relationship. I was unhappy. I knew I was unhappy. And I was really angry at him for leaving. I was angry at every spouse that left their partner. I felt it was for lack of commitment and selfishness.. Which I guess it was. What I didn’t except was both people needed to want the commitment or the relationship will not be healthy
Anyway, I feel like I have a 2nd chance at a healthy relationship now. That wasn’t possible with my ex husband. I don’t know if it is him or me. But it just didn’t work. With him, it was more about the potential - but we just didn’t have it and I didn’t see that then.
