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A Message from Michele
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Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871787
11/11/19 07:28 PM
11/11/19 07:28 PM
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AnotherStander Online
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I agree with Neffer and Ovr, your boundary (which it sounds like you are leaning towards anyway) should be no MC unless there is zero contact with OM. MC isn't going to change her mind about things. It might help if she has ALREADY changed her mind, but it's not going to trigger that change of heart.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: My Story 3 [Re: ovrrnbw] #2871789
11/11/19 07:35 PM
11/11/19 07:35 PM
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phnix Offline OP
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"ovrrnbw", I agree with you. She will lie and say she is done however in conversation I know that she is not telling the truth. She even has denied talking to him a couple of weeks ago and I had proof from her messages with her friend. No she just ignores the convo when I talk about her still being in contact from the messages I read. That is her way of admission without saying it. She even said, you are trying to get me to admit something and I don't like that. Really??

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871792
11/11/19 07:53 PM
11/11/19 07:53 PM
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Vapo Offline
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She must purge OM from her system, nothing short of at least one month will do. There can be no relapse, NONE! If relapse occurs, the clock is restarted. Do not believe her words, the WAWs will lie like it's nothing. Show her no compassion, she effed it up, she should show remorse. It comes later, much later... You have to get on with your life, with your activities, do not put your life on hold for her. You have to crush it. Crush it at work, crush it with your boy, crush it with your life. Get in shape, you will feel better. Eat healthy, exercise, get solid sleep.

Watch her actions and trust your inner voice.

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871851
11/12/19 02:42 AM
11/12/19 02:42 AM
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phnix Offline OP
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“Vapo”, You are awesome you should be a coach. Maybe you can give my team a pep talk before our game. I like the advice. You are exactly right in what I need to do. She has tried to be nice today but I can see right through her. I told her for me to feel safe she would need to end all contact and commit to the marriage. Then and only then we could go to counseling.

She got really upset and tries to withdraw. She claims she feels like I am pressuring her. She also stated that she has given herself a timeline for making a decision. She said her timeline was around January or after the 1st of the year. She claims she is just wanting to get through the holidays and make sure everything is good at work with her job.

I’ve seriously thought about moving out into my grandmothers house. I need to contact my attorney before I make that decision. I know my 13yr old son will disapprove but I don’t have any problem telling him that she is still in contact with the other man and that I need to get out to feel safe and to help me with healing myself.

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871871
11/12/19 09:13 AM
11/12/19 09:13 AM
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Do not move out, just don't. There is no victory in retreat. I cannot imagine a scenario where you moving out would be the right thing to do.

I am sure that she is right when she says she feels the pressure from you, so you have to back off, stay out of her hair, stop snooping (I know, easier said than done), and get on with improving you. Back off, relieve the pressure, ask her no questions and she'll tell you no lies. It is hard to believe, but the reality is that the affair drug is as powerful as cocaine or heroin. So for all intents and purposes, your wife is a drug addict. And I am not using the term as a figure of speech.

That being said, thou should not be a dick either. Let her sort herself out on her own timeline, but do not be a shoulder to cry on for her beau. Let her wallow in her own mess and let her clean it up. The trick is that she has to become aware of the mess, of the fact that she created the mess and that it is her job to clean up the mess. If she fails to realize either of these 3 points, she will cycle again.

You cannot do anything to speed up the process, but you sure as hell can do a lot to prolong it.

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871877
11/12/19 01:55 PM
11/12/19 01:55 PM
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phnix Offline OP
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How do I help her become aware of her mess. You would think with exposure, everyone in our small community knowing, and her having to seek another job next year, would have her in an emotional chaos. But she is not, she seems cool as a cucumber and at times singing and happy she is alive.

My fear is that she has a plan and I am not included in that plan. Waiting until January and getting through the holidays seems like she is wanting to take the easy way out of all of this. She mentioned possibly taking another job an hour away come January.

I asked her 3 questions last night and she answered yes to all but the last question. 1st question was, Are you going to take another job out of county? YES, Do you think you will need to move out of the county? YES Do you want us to move out of the county together? MAYBE.

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871887
11/12/19 03:37 PM
11/12/19 03:37 PM
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phnix Offline OP
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"Vapo" I'm sorry I see where you say I can not do anything to speed up the process.

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871889
11/12/19 04:00 PM
11/12/19 04:00 PM
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AnotherStander Online
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Originally Posted by bballer1
How do I help her become aware of her mess. You would think with exposure, everyone in our small community knowing, and her having to seek another job next year, would have her in an emotional chaos. But she is not, she seems cool as a cucumber and at times singing and happy she is alive.


Well you certainly cannot "help her" become any more aware than that. Based on your posts I'd say she is acutely aware of the mess. Whether it's affecting her or not is hard to say. WAS's are masters of "acting as if". She is very likely in extreme turmoil inside even though she's acting calm, cool and collected on the outside.

Quote
My fear is that she has a plan and I am not included in that plan.


I guarantee you that is the case. She has a plan for sure. And you are not part of it. If you can effectively remove all pressure then she may or may not follow through with whatever it is. But right now you're still putting a lot of pressure on her with all the R talks and such (3 questions? Pressure.)


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: My Story 3 [Re: AnotherStander] #2871890
11/12/19 04:10 PM
11/12/19 04:10 PM
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander

Well you certainly cannot "help her" become any more aware than that. Based on your posts I'd say she is acutely aware of the mess. Whether it's affecting her or not is hard to say. WAS's are masters of "acting as if". She is very likely in extreme turmoil inside even though she's acting calm, cool and collected on the outside.


That describes my W very well. At the start told me how she has all these "nails" that represent pain, that can't be healed. Then she told me "I feel dead inside". Then in one discussion tells me, "you think I'm depressed but I'm fine". All along, when we talk about certain topics she'll cry to the point of hyperventilation. But you see her sometimes in the morning, and she puts her music and is singing and sometimes even dancing.

Mutual friends that see her once in a while say that she tells them she's struggling. I don't know why she hides all of that ... to fool me, the kids or herself?

Re: My Story 3 [Re: phnix] #2871896
11/12/19 05:27 PM
11/12/19 05:27 PM
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phnix Offline OP
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The one thing that really scares the hell out of me is how they can pretend to be ok and yet speak as if they are confused. I think our stitches become master manipulators and can not stop it. They will continue to tell you they Love you, but unsure of the marriage. They will continue to be intimate to the point of total enjoyment, and then tell you they are unsure of the marriage. They will continue to be affectionate and loving, but tell you they are unsure? They will tell you they worry about you as if they have a lot of compassion for you.

They will tell you that you are a great person, someone else can make you happier, and that you are the best person in the world. Then they turn around when you walk out and contact their AP as if it is like taking a drink from the cup next to their night stand.

I think this is cruel punishment that causes long lasting pain which in turn causes marriages to ultimately fail. The BS will eventually give up and hopes of R are then lost and can not be recovered.

I think that the BS who recognizes this and calls it for what it is without being vindictive shows a lot of courage and self-respect. When this happens we lose so much self-respect and fear controls our interactions and we become blind to the truth. It's only when we remove ourselves that we obtain clarity for what it really is and what we really need. This is most important!!!

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