Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
Maybe I’m confused or missing something. I get that you don’t want to overreact, but isn’t this person your girlfriend? LH’s response about being more open than others here caught my attention and made me wonder if I had misread something. If you’d said this was someone you were casually dating and this happened, it would be one thing, but if this is someone you are in a committed relationship with, that is a whole other issue to me. Either way, you should definitely talk to her and tell her your expectations and be firm and direct about it, but to me personally, it is still a red flag if y’all are committed and she did it. Would she be ok if you had done it? Likely not.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 776
B
ballast Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 776
As soon as the other lady left yesterday morning, I clearly told her I didn't like that at all...and I did it calmly. As you say I do not want to get passive agressive about it or but hurt over it. I might have done that yesterday by keeping a distance from her, no physical contact, no love words. I guess she gets a one time warning on this one, next time I am a memory.

Given that context I'm loathe to bring the topic up for further talk, but it's bugging me as I don't feel I got the whole story...would I ever even if I asked? probably not...that said should I just let her go now. meh, the conflict in me over this I think makes the angriest. Also she's not really apologized like I think she should have. But what apology would really free my mind from this stuff and make it alright? I ain't TOUCHING her until that mark is off her neck. And unless she's a hicky magician we all know a single kiss on the neck won't make that thing appear. I feel repulsed by her right now...which I know is crazy, but my attraction to her went to H*LL seeing that on her.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 776
B
ballast Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 776
Dawn...just seeing your post. Yes if it had been ME that did that, she would I imagine have been furious and likely we'd be done...or at least cooling off for some time. Still very much amazed that she let it happen. She would say she was drinking/drunk/whatever, but THAT is inexcusable to me. AND she sent me home from the party and THEN that all happened....


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
Yeah, drunk and gender are both irrelevant.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Yup......not the first time. Decision time.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
What if she was drinking /drink and it was a guy who put that on her neck? Excusable ?

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
There’s a lot of layers of concern here. Outside of the ones already pointed out is the fact that this woman was engaged so your gf has no respect for that commitment. Also, if gf is friend’s with this woman’s fiancé, it’s just another huge betrayal.

I feel sorry for this woman’s fiancé, too.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 776
B
ballast Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 776
Ginger...no definitely not excusable. No matter the gender.

The more I read about hickeys the angrier I get. My GF is basically marked by another woman for days now! I'm hurt, insulted...many things. AND then...I think to myself...Did she just get that hickey right away and that was all that happened? Has anyone just gotten a hickey and there's not been anything else that goes with it? Just come up, suck someone's neck and move on? I HIGHLY doubt that. What I mean is I feel like there had to be kissing and other things that went with the hickey. AND OMG...the girl who supposedly did this...she is NOT at all attractive to the point I'm repulsed thinking of her with my GF.

But you know what...in all of my anger over this...with all that's going on right now in the world life and death, I do ask myself does any of this even matter. GF is scared, has several people close to death as is, she has death and the thought of it all around her. Again I don't mean her actions are excusable...I guess I just wonder if now isn't the time for this.

And kinda like before BD...I find myself reading about hickeys and the mental games of those two together gets me anxious again just like back with ExWW after BD.

Really appreciate all of you.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 776
B
ballast Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 776
Well we talked. I'm happy with how it went. I was very clear with her about how this event made me feel and if something like this happen again, we would be over. She was remorseful and agreed it was inexcusable.

Post-BD with my ExWW I read alot about the need for forgiveness, both for myself over whatever anger/resentment I had towards my Ex and whatever part I played in the demise of our marriage. BUT I also learned a great deal about the need to forgive those that we love as no relationship can survive long term without that ability. I feel like with this situation we cleared the air, she fully knows my boundary on this type of behavior and what I would do if something happened like this again. With that I want to put this behind us and move forward. For sure I won't forget it and it has impacted my trust in her, but it is not something we can't get passed.

I appreciate everyone's comments, particularly those who agreed with me about the fact that YES I was justified in feeling as I did. As I said above, such concerns seem so very trivial in light of what's transpiring in the world today. Thank you all and pray that everyone stays safe through these days to come.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Hi Ballast,
What I like most about your post is that you have taken what you learned post BD and applied it in a way that is most comfortable for you and most in alignment with who you are. You are communicating honestly and directly and setting a boundary that you are comfortable with. I'm happy for you!
-B.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard