I hope this lasts. But I feel a real shift in me. I can’t explain it.
I can sense the shift as well Ginger just from reading your posts yesterday and again today. You are sounding so solid and getting out from under things so you can see more clearly. That's what I think you are doing - seeing these things more clearly. As you said, however, you now have to make it last - well you said hope it lasts, I'm saying to make it last.
It could get difficult again if you get in the thick of it. But what I would challenge you to do is put a few of these core things down on paper, put them in a prominent place (private if necessary) but don't hide it away - put it where you can see it all of the time. Write down - no dating until January 1, 2020 at the earliest. Work out 2 or 3 times a week - no matter what, no browsing through OLD where just by "accident" you happen to find someone you think you will click with, drinking only two glasses of wine no more than twice a week. Put these goals down and stick to them.
You need this time to develop better habits and that's what it is. It's how it goes with many things. When you are in the habit of eating like crap it takes a lot to get out of it. At first it's difficult to do but the longer you do it, the more routine it becomes until it's just natural behavior and you don't even think about it - you just do it. When you find someone that you think might fit or take you to the life you think you want, it will again be your nature to want to fall back to your comfort zone of giving him the benefit of the doubt. You have to really stick with your plan to keep that from happening.
As for this latest guy, I'm so glad you told him what you did. I don't know what's going on with him, although I have a gut feeling, but he had no business being OLD. You would think that people who are OLD are looking for someone, wanting to date at least if not get into an R. Sadly, that is often so far from the truth. They don't know what they want and think maybe this will be their magic bullet to a better life. If this guy doesn't have time to respond to a text how in the Sam Hill (I hate having to sensor myself from using words found in the holy bible but I digress) does he have the time to go on a date. I think there may be more to it, but it doesn't matter because the result is the same. He's not being honest - not totally anyhow. He read that first email from you - he CHOSE not to respond until you pushed him. You handled that very, very well - again on the back end. Now we need to get you there on the front end - and you are clearly moving there.
I've said before how well you try to learn from posting here. I'm amazed at how some people won't even acknowledge when others here try to show how they are going down the wrong path. They won't even try to change, sometimes won't even discuss it let alone try to change it. I mean, what's the point of being here then? But you pick up so much - like "No response is a response" and you used it on him!!!!!!! Total awesomeness there. You are trying to learn and change and grow and it's happening.
You'll have bad days, no doubt, but you seem to really have turned a corner. UR sees it. I see it. I'm sure others see it as well. Now write down these core things you want to accomplish and no matter what, stick with them. Make goals you can hit - like not dating until January - that is very, very doable. Staying off of OLD at least until January. Don't waffle on it. No matter what get your butt to the gym for your classes. Set the minimum as 3 times a week with an occasional 2 times being the absolute minimum. Again, that's doable. Same with drinking. It's doable. Stick to it and you'll be amazed at where you go and how guys notice!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Hawho! Hi! Yes, I am respectful of my dads OCD at his house and it makes me just as uncomfortable as my clutter might make him. But it’s his home and I respect it and don’t take it personally when he follows me around with a vacuum.
I have browsed the meetup groups. I live in the NYC metro area so there are a lot . It’s a bit of a commitment though, and I guess my schedule isn’t all that predictable. But I should Give it a try. When I joined the coed volleyball I had a blast and hung out with the guys, although they were way too young for me to date, I’m able to make friends. But I ruined that 2 games in by busting up my ACL. But I am really going to look into it again, it’s a great suggestion. I see J and his fortune in the online dating world. He only kissed a few frogs before finding his princess. JUju has had the same success. And here I am almost 12 years of the online dating cesspool and I have had the closest luck with M. So it’s not really working for me, obviously. And it’s incredibly frustrating .
I started this orange theory fitness and I took my second class today. It’s hard and I like hard. It’s not really a place where you get to know people because you just pump through it and can barely breathe, lol. No talking and loud music. Love the workout, but I won’t be meeting anyone there. Won’t be meeting anyone at my new job either. Which has a pain in the butt on boarding Process. I took the Irvine drug test today and they are sending it to the lab because of whatever turned up in the office. I haven’t touched any pot since M, actually. 3 months. So I’m certainly clean. I just didn’t have enough urine, which never ever happens to me. And I can’t find my Current nursing license . Even though it is very easily verifiable.
And here I sit in my plastic surgeons office with a bit of a problem from my surgery that isn’t healing.
Fun day off!
Last edited by job; 11/05/1907:47 PM. Reason: edited a word
So, I just wanted to say..that there will be fits and starts with this new realization. I still have to work on it from time to time. There are people and situations that can set me back some.
I have to take a little time to remember how far I've come and look at the people who hold weight in my life and see myself through their eyes.
I am so proud of you, sweetie. We get there when we do. You weren't ready...now you are.
It is important to take care of you. And there isn't anything at all wrong with that.
I missed your post Don! I definitely feel the shift, but I also feel the loneliness. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s a rough time of the year for me. Notoriously a really tough time to be alone. But I will not fall back in bad habits just to make the feeling go away. Last year was exciting, dating a new guy, who was actually into me at the time, getting to know his family, feeling like a part of “something” so it’s an adjustment this year. I’m happy to work on thanksgiving to not have to deal with the loneliness. And time and a half is nice. But it’s not very respectful to myself to entertain anything just to fill a void. I think working my goals and the things I promise myself down is a great idea. I can only do the gym twice a week, because it’s all I signed up for because it’s the only package I can afford because it is very expensive there. But I will get my twice a week in, no doubt. I’m kicking butt on the wine thing. And there will be absolutely no OLD until the new year, even if then. Its definitely me time and I have to treat myself as if I’m a catch . How arenothers gong to treat me that way if I don’t treat myself that way????
In other news my dog got into candy last night and was a psycho all night long . I have to go back to the doctor next week and get a stitch or 2 to close a tiny wound.
And my dad and his wife are in the area today with her mother and invited us to meet us for dinner. My dad has t reached out and his wife is doing all of it. I really don’t know how I feel about it. I decided to go tonight to weed out how weird it’s going to be on the weekend. I really did want an apology. I know his wife is doing all of this for him. I’m pretty sure I’m not being considered. But if he crosses one single boundary, he’s going to hear it.
Sigh. Work is going to be a doozy today. My tolerance for entitled people is diminishing. And I deal with a whole lot of them. May my zen be with me today .
So we all went to dinner and pretending like nothing happened and everything is back to normal. And of course I told myself I wouldn’t go crazy making my house perfect before they come, but of course I am and it’s giving me anxiety. Let just hope he heard what I said and isn’t going to come at me with a bunch of criticism.
I’m happy it’s friday, because it’s been a tough week. My dog hasn’t been letter me sleep at all so I brought him to doggy daycare yesterday and he was pooped. We both slept last night. I wish I had money to do that more often. He needs more exercise which is harder as the weather gets colder. But I’m going to make it happen. Work has been really busy and tough this week too.
So, my most recent struggle is this new job. I’m having a hard time onboarding because of their crazy process. Thy want me to take more time off from this job which I can’t. I also have been thinking if this is the job I really really want. I don’t think it is. Ever since my old hospice director wants to hire me per diem into inpatient hospice.....I feel like that might be the better option. It’s much closer to home, i can get back to the bedside. I think I’ll enjoy it more. ( I know, people will be dying on my watch, but I’ll be doing something good) so I’m going to call her and see which direction I’m going to go in, but I have to make a decision fast.
My seasonal affective disorder is kicking in a bit. I still am lonely and I still miss having someone.....but I really do know alone is better than being with someone who doesn’t appreciate me and doesn’t give. Some days I feel like a loser for still being single 12 years later and almost 40. All the guys I dated just got married or are getting married..... and here I am. Then again, I know my reason for being single is because there hasn’t been anyone yet that has been a suitable partner, and can handle where I’m at in life. And I won’t settle until I find that guy who can match up to someone like me.
I have to focus on some decisions to make. Because I really need this money, but I don’t want to take the wrong job to for me.....
My dad and his wife came for dinner and my dad walks in the house and says “thanks for the birthday present!” Your house looks great!” Mostly because I stressed myself making it perfect, something I said I wouldn’t do. But it met his stamp of approval. Dinner was nice. And expensive, lol.
Something has been bugging me. All the guys I dated are getting married. Saw pics of ex NG’s engagement party. Or shower. Or whatever it is. Engaged to the one who came during me. And there was a casual thing with someone..... he’s recently married. My FWB for years. Married last month. Always wanted that to be more but he never did. FF will be engaged soon. They are just young. For all I know, M found the love of his life too. And welp. I’m not even dating anyone after all these years. I feel a little bit like a loser. I know it’s not true, I’m not a loser, just a woman who’s been with a. Inch of men who aren’t compatible with me. But ouch!
I know it doesn’t sound very self confident. I guess I’ll just never understand why it wasn’t meant for me.
I’m feeling 40 creep up on me. I spent my young adulthood a divorced mom. Not easy.
I had a coworker I hadn’t seen in a while ask about M . And when I talk about his son, the tears still come. Is that weird? I can talk about M just fine, but not his son. Somedays I miss M, though. In his good loving moments where I mattered.
Anyways, I’m continuing with my workouts and I love them. They are incredibly challenging, but I still love them. And when I look at myself in the mirror while working out, I’m not grossed out like I normally am when I look on the mirror or see a picture. I see a strong woman, physically and mentally. Mits true, it’s all about perception
I'm glad you're enjoying those workouts. I know it brings you great peace of mind. Keep doing that!!! There is a saying about comparing only leading to disappointment and dissatisfaction. Keep the faith and keep the focus on you and your beautiful girl. I know good things will come your way, as long as you stay patient and on the path.
Glad dinner with dad and stepmom went well.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I took a day off of work today because I had an early interview with the hospice job, a procedure later in the day ( very small one) and I worked an extra hour and 15 minutes yesterday because the weekend people did nothing and I brought it to my boss for some help and I didn’t get any. So I have the time off, we are well staffed today, so I said forget it, I’m not going to work today. My boss actually got snippy with me. I basically lied and said my procedure was moved up and she wanted to know if I was still coming in. I told her I didn’t know what time it was being moved up to, so I said better to take a PTo ( which I said earlier on her VM. She wanted to know what procedure which she shouldn’t be asking. I guess she felt bad because after she texted me and wished me luck and if I need anymore time off this week, to let her know it’s no problem.
So I had my hospice interview. And I pretty much got offered the job on the spot! It’s less money than the other, but it’s what I want to do and it's closer to home. I’m excited about this one, the other one I was not. I haven’t been at the bedside years, but this is the capacity I want to be in. They seem really flexible about shifts. It will either be 4-12or 11pm to 8 am. And to fill in anywhere needed. It’s such a beautiful inpatient hospice unit. So I really think I’m going to drop other opportunity and take this one. I’m kind of excited to put my scrubs back on and give direct patient care. I think everything ended up happening for a reason.
Well. Took today for interview, workout, procedure, and some cleaning and cooking.
Sorry ginger - I always see that in jobs - the more you give, the more they expect. And it’s usually the people that are great at taking up tons of work time to cover their a$$es instead of doing actual work that get ahead. Or get more for themselves.
yes to Job's observation. I'm going to keep a log of all the instructions my boss belts out all day long. you know the ones that mean I have to drop what I'm doing and do something else. After a week or two or a month I'm going to spring that the next time I'm accused of not doing anything. you may want to do something similar.
congratulations on your hospice job. nice to look forward to going to work!
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
