Yeah if your dad is OCD you’re up against a wall of irrationality. Rather than continue bumping against it, you might be better of going around it. Meet them at a restaurant. Realize them spending the night at your home isn’t ever going to be a good idea. Staying at a nearby hotel is preferable. Don’t take it personally - people with OCD just feel extremely anxious and uncomfortable in such situations. Recognizing his limitations (he’s not going to change at this age) and not taking any of it personally is best.
I’ve tried to be understanding. When I am in his home I abide by all the ocd rules. And they make me uncomfortable. I lived there for 2 and a half months from the night my ex left me. It was pretty hard. On so many levels with his strong personality. He forced me into a lawyers office 4 days after the bomb dropped and all I did was cry.
Anyways. I’m sitting in my car after dinner with the ex, his wife, our daughter and her BFF. It took too much out of me a dnim waiting in peace until her football game starts. I did let the ex know that I can’t babysit because I am not comfortable at their house like that. He said he understood. I have come to this place where I refuse to be walked on anymore. By anyone. I used to just try to make everyone happy and give them the benefit of the doubt, and now I am looking out for me and it feels kind of good. I’ve been doing it so wrong for so many years. I am inherently a nice person who wants everyone to be happy and feel good. But o can’t do it at the price of me anymore. It’s probably how I end up in so many failed relationships.
Don, I agree, many people who are online dating should not be. They aren’t ready. I had one guy tell me he recently separated and just needed to get over his ex. Unbelievable . I don’t get the chance to meet anyone organically, unfortunately. The only guy I have a crush on is married. So that’s a no go. And I’m really going to commit to my 2 times a week at the gym. Ive already cleaned up my eating big time since I got back from FL and I pretty much cut my weekly alcohol down by 3/4. So I’m proud of that. I want to fit and hot and all of that again. For me.
So, I think being honest with my father and standing my ground and holding onto my boundaries made some sort of epiphany come about. I love my dad dearly. I truly hope he comes around. But I have spent so much time in my life doing what makes others feel comfortable and happy at the expense of my own well-being. Not only with my dad, but pretty much with everyone I’ve dated. Even some friends. And other family members. I’m pretty much done with that. People will love me for me, even if we don’t agree, even if I don’t sacrifice myself for them. I can consider, but I will not sacrifice. There is one person I will do that for, and it’s my daughter. She’s the only one.
Speaking of that..... she called me last night to tell me how much everyone loved the apple pie I baked. Everyone is ex, his wife, and her parents, and his mother. She put them all on speaker to tell me how it’s the most delicious apple pie ever. D12 told me all the compliments they gave me. Which was just about the sweetest thing my daughter can do. The weird part is I’m sitting alone on my couch, and they are all rejoicing over my apple pie. Then.... D12 says “ in addition to the Nutella pie” ( I send a Nutella pie with her every year on thanksgiving) you can make an apple pie and you can have some when you come by for dessert after work on thanksgiving!” The wifey invited me in front of her about a week ago. I really don’t want to. But my daughter really wants me to go. I don’t know what to do. But she is the only one at this stage in my life I will sacrifice my own comfort for.
The new guy texted me yesterday telling me how he finally had a “breather” and was just so busy driving kids around all day. I told him while I admire his dedication to fatherhood and his career, there is clearly no time to date properly. I told him I made accommodations for the first date, found a time that might work for the second and that got cancelled and there has been no effort on his part to even try to work with me to reschedule. I said his actions show me that this is something he is not interested in or can’t do, or whatever at this time.
No response. Couldn’t even find time to respond. And chose not to make the time. It’s usual for him. I’ll send a text in response to hi and won’t hear back for a day. And the dude wears an Apple Watch. He knows and he read. And if he can’t even find a moment to acknowledge that text, forget it.
Everything URowrthy has been telling me for years is finally making sense. This is what self worth is in action. I always thought I knew what I brought to the table. And I do. But to act on making sure I am comfortable, I am Not disrespected and just as important feels awfully liberating. We can say we are wonderful all day. But if we don’t show that in actions to others, they can’t see you valuing yourself.
I would truly rather be alone rather than undervalued. For a while I think I would have rather just taken what I could get. My self doubt about standing up for myself and holding firm to my boundaries seems to have disappeared.
The new guy texted me yesterday telling me how he finally had a “breather” and was just so busy driving kids around all day. I told him while I admire his dedication to fatherhood and his career, there is clearly no time to date properly. I told him I made accommodations for the first date, found a time that might work for the second and that got cancelled and there has been no effort on his part to even try to work with me to reschedule. I said his actions show me that this is something he is not interested in or can’t do, or whatever at this time.
Good for you Ginger! Know that worth! Stick to those Orange Theory classes. Come the first of the year, I hope you are feeling better. Onto 2020!
Taking a long time to respond back to texts from a love interest is rude and lazy. At the very least he could have taken 2 seconds to say “hey - have a great day. I’m working all day and then have stuff with the kids” but to completely ignore, shows minimal effort. Minimal effort should mean that you pursue other guys that are willing to put more effort in. People that put effort into something or someone do it because they place value on it. You want someone that values you and I think you will find it.
Ugh. I remember me and ex bf would be texting and I would think the conversation was still going and then wouldn’t hear back till later. And topic was changed. It was so annoying. Just end it with a “ok gotta go ttyl” When he wrote back to me after we broke up to see how I was doing he did it again, and I never texted him again to see how he or his family were doing.
Well, I officially put the “nail in the coffin” after zero response to that text I told him “no response is a response and inaction speaks louder than any words” and I wish him him the best. He responded to that one. Told me he never even looked at his phone as he was enjoying his time with his kids. Well, he wears an Apple Watch. And he looked long enough to send me a text but to not read my response. He did tell me he clearly isnt ready with 3 kids and he had hoped he would be. That it’s all on him, I am a wonderful woman ( why yes I am) and that he saw true friendship and romantic possibilities with me which is the greatest combo ever” but he can’t pull it off. I basically said all I needed was honesty and respect and to not be strung along. He apologized and wished me the best as well.
Again, it actually left good. I usually wait until the other person ends it because I’m hoping that will turn around. This time I took it in my own hands and trusted what I saw rather than doubting myself. I acted on it.
Am I lonely? Yes. Do I miss just laying in someone’s arms? Yes. But I would way rather be alone than to continually sacrifice myself without anyone giving back. Because it finally feels awful. M was a wake up call for me on that one. I wish to god he could have been a loving boyfriend who wanted to spend his time with me and really get to know ME. But he wasn’t. I should have ended it sooner.
I’ve survived 12 years on my own and prior to that 9 years in a bad relationship with my ex hubs and. It’s truly me time.
Oh, and get this. My dads wife texts me yesterday telling me my dad would like to come and spend his birthday with us and go out to dinner Saturday night and stay until Sunday. He didn’t tell me himself. He never apologized and wants to stay over again. The only reason I am letting this happen because it’s his 70th birthday. I really did want an apology and to hear that he wasn’t going to criticize me anymore or my home. But I am not going to make myself crazy making sure everything is perfect for their arrival.
UR, I really thought because I have been alone for so long I was ok with it. But I wasn’t ok with it. I was willing to sacrifice too much not to be alone. It killed my worth, actually. I think I had the worth, but I killed it myself by sacrificing so much from the fear of being alone.
I will not be going back online dating right now. I’m going to get through the holidays and beginning my new job before I actively pursue OLD again.
I hope this lasts. But I feel a real shift in me. I can’t explain it.
And that being said, my dating pool just got smaller.
I really think men with older kids will fit better in with me. The ones who are fresh out of the divorce feel as if they have so much to prove to their kids and everyone else around them about their ability to be a parent. I’m good with the parent I am. I’ve been doing it so long, I have nothing to prove to anyone, I don’t need to prove to my daughter, and I don’t have the guilt anymore for making me time. Yeah, I’m picky. I’m not interested in every other weekend fathers, but I also cannot deal with the ones who spend so much energy and effort proving themselves to the world and their kids. Because I’m that stage dating isn’t the best idea. I was in that stage once too. I don’t love my daughter any less, I don’t take away from her, but I can have a life while being an active and involved parent.
So, a nice involved father who has older kids who don’t want to be helicoptered all the time would be nice. There might be 2 guys in my state like that?
Good for you G. There has to be reciprocation and mutual effort. There have been several times where the dr has texted me but I couldn't respond immediately with in depth thought so I acknowledge and let her know to give me a few.
Continue to up your standards and qualifications. You will find someone, you are a catch!
After living so long in an OCD home where it was all someone else’s rules (as you were a kid), I think it’s so important that you toe the line and live in your house your way. You are an adult and they are visiting your home. It is your way of living and you deserve that respect.
As an aside, one of my friends’ husbands has OCD and they have 4 kids. It is exhausting to visit them. I feel dirty for using a tea cup! There is something fundamentally unwelcoming about visiting them. It alienates them. It is a difficult disorder.
As for dating, would you consider meetups over OLD? Not sure how popular they are there but in my area there are so many! They run the gamut: tennis groups, hiking for singles, coffee for single parents, beers for people between 35 - 45, etc. I would see this as a more organic way to meet people. You get the benefit of the hobby/socialization without this Petri dish like experience of OLD.
Just a thought.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
