Persistant Endurance (Part 7)

[curtis7]

Hey C, you are wrapping yourself in your own web. Affair fog and all that environment is a really powerful drug. You are doing too much mind reading and flowing into inconsistent assumptions. Get out of that path.

Nef, thanks. The longer W stays in affair fog, the less her actions bother me. It has become commonplace. She’s living her life and I’m living mine.

I do however get an inkling to force action occasionally. For instance, last night when D5 was going to W’s car for the kid exchange, she said “I hate going back and forth between two houses.” W just blew it off in her selfish way. I don’t want to keep my kids exposed to this much longer and have them think this is an acceptable form of MR.

[IHCLACS]

Yes! I want a tough guy who won't put up with my $#&t, understands my crazy, but also soft and romantic on the inside. Just like in the novels I read. Lol.

Just like on the flip side... I want a hot woman who's athletic, parties, freaky in bed, but also a educated, smart, caring, and good wife / mom...

Let me know when you find your unicorn, and I'll do the same :P

Sorry to hi-jack your thread Curtis!

Dude this is the essence of why we are all here. Everyone thinks they deserve better, thinks they can do better, wants to be treated better, either freaky, controlled, or understood. Thanks for pointing out it works both ways. I don't think most people realize that. What men want, women don't consider, and what women want, men don't consider. But the fantasy Rom Com, story novel, Under the Tuscan Sun, Eat Love Pray, Gilmore girls, I married a porn star, lady in the street freak in the bed, grass is greener deluded reality bull$hit needs to stop. Too easily influenced into searching for something/someone that may or may not exist, and creates a false narritive. Its short term at best with long term consequences. To do what you feel is immature, to do what is right take a humility and courage. Real people have flaws. We are all imperfectly perfect. MM12 and Loving It. Great examples of the differences of what Men and Women want

[neffer]

Do what works for you C. Detach, get rid of all expectations.

Be the healthy parent. Shine there.

DB!

(((C)))

[IHCLACS]

Curtis I just had another thought. Your're WW spirit is like a wild horse that wants to be tamed and controlled, but in her own demented sense. Some people I guess get tired of playing the good girl/good boy, and go down the long dark road of lust, pain and self destruction. Maybe you should tie her to the stable, pull her hair, and break out the riding crop?

The matter is two fold. They all want to be CONTROLLED by a man who is masculine but not CONTROLLING. A man that has control of himself, his emotions, and his reality. Its their submissive nature, but...They will always be trying to seek control over you in a relationship, they want to comadeeer the relationship. You have to do that. You have to assume all the responsibilities, planning, upkeep of the R. They will try over long periods of years to take control. Being disappointed (and believe me they never forget.) Its something i've realized is the $hit testing" never stops. You re going to hear things like "Man up" "You don't do XYZ for me" ect." When you hear this, its going to have some validity depended on if and where you failed. If it doesn't, then its a narrative coming from her, that she learned from other peers and influences along the way. If you are CONTROLLING. You are going to hear. "He's manipulative" "He never lets me do what I want..." "He doesn't support me" yadaya.

Take what you are going through to learn to set boundaries for yourself first. Always be willing to walk away if they get crossed more than twice without resolve, effort or communication, and always put yourself, your emotional health and self esteem, and self worth first AT ALL TIMES! This is going to be key to eradicating NMMG IMHO.

[curtis7]

Curtis I just had another thought. Your're WW spirit is like a wild horse that wants to be tamed and controlled, but in her own demented sense. Some people I guess get tired of playing the good girl/good boy, and go down the long dark road of lust, pain and self destruction. Maybe you should tie her to the stable, pull her hair, and break out the riding crop?

Haha, interesting. I’ve skimmed some of the scenes in her romance novels and had similar thoughts related to the stable. That reminds me that I texted her some time ago when I was learning about Mr. Grey asking if she had a riding crop. Her response was something along the lines of “Whoa. Don’t go there. Please.”

The matter is two fold. They all want to be CONTROLLED by a man who is masculine but not CONTROLLING.

I think this describes her to a tee right now.

[curtis7]

I could use some advice from the vets. I came home from work today and there was a letter in the mail addressed to WW. It was from her D attorney. She must not have given them the address for her affair house. It was a thin envelope containing what seemed to be a single page, most likely an invoice. Perhaps it was past due from her initial meeting at the end of August.

How should I handle this? Just hand her the letter? Anything to say when I give it to her? Maybe leave it by her horse's stall door in the stable?

[Jac12]

Just hand her the letter. No need to make a show of it.

"This came for you" (And hand it to her).

As if it was a letter from her dentist. Who cares what it is anyways right?

[Traveler]

How should I handle this? Just hand her the letter? Anything to say when I give it to her? Maybe leave it by her horse's stall door in the stable?

Transfer the mail to her however you transfer other mail to her. And stop housing her horse. It's amazing that even the OM knows this is a key reason why your wife hasn't fully moved on.

[MrBrside]

From the reply to Bluwaves thread....

Blu, thanks for responding. Interesting, I misinterpreted or more likely missed some later posts. I was under the impression the letter triggered his rapid turnaround. I can see how several items can accumulate at once for the WAS and make them feel that loss. It seems that’s what happened for your H.

Curtis, as per the past comments, this ( and previous comment to Blu ) is you looking for that magic bullet to make your wife come running back. You didn't update your situation for over a week ( and ignored a lot of advice, comments and questions etc ) then bobbed back up to reply to Blus comment about a letter that you interperated as making a partner "turn around".. Like i have stated on previous posts and when you first started referencing this "letter" and analysing previous "success stories" months ago, you are cherry picking the situations which you feel show show a positive impact on the WAW and looking for "that" success story as you want to believe "it could be you" as well.. These are so few and far between: You would be more succesful chasing rainbows, hoping to find a pot of gold at the end..... But you dont seem to grasp this.

The contents of my letter are similar. Mine was not intended to be a threat. I mean it that I’m finished with the crap and BS. I’m not tolerating it any longer. Not sure if you’ve kept up with my sitch, but I take it you wouldn’t recommend I deliver such a letter as my WW has not really shown any chinks in her armor or movement away from the OM except during Retrouvaille weekend.

You have been making this statement since May.. We are now in October and nothing has changed.

The horse is still there, you tried RV to no avail, wife is still with the OM and you are still not even close to detaching. You have wasted months of your life where you could have been working on "you".. Even your kids are still in limbo as you insist in "existing" in this lifestyle you have allowed to WAW to impose on you.. I say allowed, as although you had no choice on the breakup, you could have set boundaries, started to rebuild your life, lost the horse,made a firm schedule for the children, taking her out of the equation except for handover of the children etc. Instead, she comes and goes and uses you.. But the only person to blame is yourself, because you allow it to happen:

And you are still banging on about letters and words..

Its been said more times than i can count, that actions make the difference, not letters.. Yet you still choose to ignore all the advice off all the experienced vets..

I can see this thread hitting part 10 and the content not changing much from the past 6.

[DaB35]

I think the key here is giving your W a glimpse of life without you in it. That's why detaching is so important.

Yes you will feel guilty for doing it - it feels like you're saying "Fine. If that's the way you want it, then I don't care..." But then after a week or so you'll be doing your own stuff and setting your own goals.

One post on the quotes page is "You're never more attractive than when you're walking away." (ish - can't remember it exactly). You must let her realise what losing you means. But the most important thing here is...*you're ok with what happens either way*. That is very hard, but that's why the board is here for support.

Keep posting and asking for advice!