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I'll start with the good news...my GAL is in full swing. I had a great weekend, by Saturday night there were 3 things I wanted to do with different friends and I could sadly chose only one. I am having fun and finding ways to have lots of social interaction. I don't dwell on the sitch because I hardly have the time and that is the goal, right? It's also why it's been a few days since I updated.

Today was the day of the medical appointment my W kept getting calls about. I hadn't had contact with her for 4 days. As soon as I got there, I got a text from her saying she knows I am on base today and wants to talk to move things forward. Why does she insist on these kinds of ambushes? She then sent a long message about how she is uncomfortable with everything being unsettled and she wants to file paperwork, and if we need to sell the house that process must begin. I told her we could meet after my appt.

So I drove to the meeting spot and she got in my car. She pulled out a notebook and a pen, ready to take notes, and said okay let's talk. Then she waited. WHAT?! I did not initiate the meeting and that's what I said. She said we need to push things forward and she cannot live in her dorm room beyond this week. (I recently discovered that she has been living on base in the dorms, which is a temporary solution and means she has informed her command of domestic problems). So I thought it made sense about the meeting, she was about to be "homeless" again. But she consistently steered the conversation back to pushing the paperwork. Back when I told her to leave the houses , I told her my offer to not fight her for the house if I remain until May (my last semester), so we can file in February as the finalization would match that timeline of my moving out. This is the plan I formed with my therapist. Everyone agrees it is quite reasonable, except W of course. So I remind her this is the current agreement, and there is no stalling or avoiding or whatever she was accusing me of. She says February is not acceptable, she wants this done so we can move on with our lives.

At first she said we can put it in the divorce agreement that I stay in the house until May, so we can still file now and even if it finalizes before then, that's fine. She tried to TELL me she was coming over Wed to fill out the paperwork and we will file this week. I said it's not happening. If she has a problem with the current timeline, she can propose an alternative which I would give legitimate consideration, but the plan to file this week was laughable. But more importantly, it makes no sense. Why is the paperwork a huge deal? She is in financial crisis, self admittedly going into bankruptcy and will have to "rebuild her life", and she is rushing to lose $500 a month, with NO change in the housing situation! It isn't even a solution to the problem we were supposed to be discussing, which is that she is out of a home again on Friday and can't afford a separate place. I told her since she had mentioned legal separation last time, why not explore that if she felt the need to rush paperwork. Or of course, she is always free to serve me papers and go to court.

Then she said a judge will make her sell the house. This is where it gets crazy. She suddenly brought forward a new proposal. We sell the house immediately and she gives me all profits, provided that it is a minimum of $25k. Enough to support me through my last semester. Her hands are washed of anything beyond the divorce finalization, which we would file ASAP. I was in shock that she would propose this. I had literally offered to not fight her for the house (which she could then keep long term) and file in Feb, but she is SO desperate to rush the legal side, she would rather go through the process to sell it and then give me all the money, all to be divorced ~90 days sooner. It's absolute madness and I can't even figure out her motivation. I have tried to make it clear to her that it is already too late if she is trying to save herself from a career standpoint.

Obviously, this was a long R talk and I'm sure that I broke many DB rules. But the one thing I did not do and have never done is break down, cry, or say anything that even hints that I do not want to Iose her or want her to change her mind, etc. Mostly, I mentioned OM too often, because she STILL wanted to sit there denying to me that she is having an A. She looked me in the eye and told me she didn't take a trip last weekend. I said she is a liar and I will therefore not be taking her word on anything throughout this process, so stop with the "I promise I won't screw you over" stuff. Her words are completely and utterly meaningless. There was some more of her asking about my supposed girlfriend and telling me to please just tell her if I have brought her to the house and she has met "her" dogs. ??? I told her that her behavior is disgusting. She said I have a God complex, that I think I'm better than everyone and always right. She also let me know she has been tracking all my spending, wanted to know who I went to drinks with etc.

Somehow we got into a staring contest and just stared in each other's eyes for a couple full minutes. She started saying her weird, self pity, I need help stuff. But of course she hasn't gotten any and said she doesn't plan to, she is "handling it her own way" and "everyone will see". I said that sounds like a threat and frankly kind of scary. She assured me she has no intentions to harm me or anyone else. She wanted to give me a hug and I know you will all 2x4 me for not rejecting it, but I didn't because I clearly have more work to do. It was a long hug and during it she said "I'm a broken, sh!tty person". I just said I know. Then she said to consider her proposal and let her know. She would like to be able to come to the house and see the dogs and doesn't care if I am there (a change from our original agreement). I told her it still needs to be communicated. She cannot show up unannounced like she did last week (if you were waiting for the update on the previous post, she indeed did not show up the next day but I came home to suddenly find her car in the driveway the day after).

It is hard not to feel there is absolutely no hope for any change. She is obviously as wayward as ever, and seems to ONLY care about getting divorced as fast as possible. I am not holding onto hope necessarily, but I always think of myself in the lighthouse approach and I'm reaching the point where I wonder why I'm even bothering to maintain that. But I know it's only been a couple months, and this is a marathon.

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Originally Posted by 44tries
She suddenly brought forward a new proposal. We sell the house immediately and she gives me all profits, provided that it is a minimum of $25k. Enough to support me through my last semester. Her hands are washed of anything beyond the divorce finalization, which we would file ASAP. I was in shock that she would propose this.

Wow! Sounds tempting. What's keeping you from biting at this, given some time to think?

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Quote
But I know it's only been a couple months, and this is a marathon.


A couple of months? What about last year? She never recovered, or to my knowledge tried to recover, from her waywardness. You stopped posting, took a trip, had some fun, and you thought things were better........but they weren't, b/c her behavior toward you remained the same. Just b/c you endure a bad situation doesn't mean it is getting better. At heart, you are a positive person. You want to see the good in everyone, and you wanted to believe your MR was slowing improving. It can't improve as long as she refuses to change.

As for her desperation to get the process going, sell the house, etc., it sounds to me as if she needs to be legally single as soon as possible. The excuse she gave you about moving on with your lives is not quite the truth, b/c she could move on without a D. This woman is very, very manipulative.........and I don't think you are the only man she manipulates. I would not put anything past her. Many WW's are in a big rush to get the D pushed through, and I've seen a few cases where they took a big financial loss, and gave up their kids, in order to be with their OM. If OM is married, I can think of at least one way of breaking up his marriage, and then OM marrying your WW after she gets D from you.

None of it makes sense to you, b/c you are using your logical male brain to see her proposal. You aren't thinking like a desperate, emotional, crazy WW who wants to be with OM.

And regarding her comments about the dogs, may I just say as a dog lover myself.........they are pets, not children. Don't start having "custody" battles and "visitations" over a couple of dogs. She doesn't want you having another woman meet your dogs? That is insane!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi, you are correct that she never recovered from her waywardness. But I do believe she tried in some way. By initiating physical affection with me when I know she did not necessarily have the feelings of wanting to...doing things like writing me the nice letter for my birthday or buying me thoughtful gifts. I guess I want to say that I don't have a doubt that she tried to do SOMETHING. I didn't feel like I was enduring a bad situation or that her behavior toward me remained the same. She did not show me blatant displays of disrespect. If anything, I just wished to feel closer and for her to recover "faster". Maybe she didn't put in the necessary work, have enough remorse, to really get rid of the wayward heart. I understand this. I am not trying to argue that everything was fixed by any means or that she was a completely different person. Just that I saw some effort. But it became clear as soon as the opportunity arose that the problem was still very much there. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there was a time when I was hopeful and things really were improved and going in the right direction. I felt effort on her part and I felt that maybe we could get to true piecing and find that long term satisfaction. I believe she wanted that too, and tried, but did not know the right ways to get it. And then she was too weak to not just give up when OM2 came along and she slid back down the mountain to full on waywardness. I know she does feel a ton of guilt and shame. But she is starved for some supposed happiness that she has never been able to obtain with me. But I would literally go to the ends of the earth for her. So I just don't get it and find it very tragic.

Yes, it is insane about a woman meeting the dogs. My W says all kinds of insane things! That she knows damn well are insane and she just says them anyway. Sometimes she even can't get through the convo without laughing at herself because she is being so ridiculous. What is this game??

I burned myself out on GAL. I am an introvert and can get drained from social interactions, especially with new people I am not yet comfortable with. So I had to take a little break. But it was good timing because I have been slammed with schoolwork before the holiday break and am thankfully able to breathe now after completing a monster amount of work. Now, I feel recharged and will hang out with a few friends this week. I decided not to go home to family (out of state) for Thanksgiving after much debate. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted, and the cost and travel was just too much for a short time. I will go for Christmas. W is picking "her" two dogs up and taking them to her parents tomorrow, until Sunday. So it will be me and my dog for the holiday. I might cook with a friend.

To be honest, I have had a horrible week. I felt really great about my GAL and detachment and then in the past week, I have felt worse and worse each day. I have dreams about W every night. They are all over the place, causing emotional whiplash and feeling horrible when I wake up. The initial period of enjoying my freedom and coming and going as I please etc has worn off and now I just miss her terribly. The feeling is almost unbearable.

W came by the house once this week to get some more things. She continually changed until she could come at a time that I was there. I do not know why, but it was clear that she wanted me to be home when she came. She wanted a hug like last time when she left. She has been friendly and jumps at the chance to contact me about something. I never ever contact her. I don't think I've initiated any contact with her since BD, actually. But I also know she calls OM for about an hour most days (could be more, phone records are limited these days). Basically, I think she has the same feelings for me that she always has, but she is wayward and the A/OM is worth more to her. She can't resist it. But it [censored] when I KNOW she still cares about me too. But I am NOT Plan B. I deserve way more than that.

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Apparently there is some drama surrounding Thanksgiving for W and her family. SIL texted me today that she (SIL,not W) will not be attending with them. She has reached out to W over the past weeks and received no response. When confronting her about Thanksgiving, W told her she will not speak to her if she has any communication with me at all. SIL thinks this is insane and is not willing to cut me out of her life or our nephews lives cold turkey. She said we became family and now W chooses to do all of this and we lose you just like that, no way. I feel really bad about it like it’s my fault, but W has said nothing to me about it which I find very strange. I don’t really understand it at all. I guess it is their issue to work out. SIL even said W told her she isn’t mad at her, just won’t communicate while she is in communication with me. I didn’t realize we were at war like that?? Meanwhile when W sees me she tries to hug me... crazy stuff.

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W came to pick up the dogs and gave me the guilt trip speech that she really thought I might have gotten all their stuff ready for her but she guesses she was wrong. Really?! I have had nothing to say to her requests but NO, since she wants to make 10 asks every time she sees me. This is the behavior that had stopped during the past year. Today she even said she "gets why i have to say no".

She also came up behind me and spontaneously tickled me and pretended it was the dog. Can't make this up. I ignored it. It's very clear with the hugging and now apparently tickling that she wants to touch me. Seems strange given that she has no attraction... She also asked if she should let me know she makes it safely or do i not care? She just seems desperate to crack me and get me to admit I still care about her. Not going to happen.

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Spent a great Friendsgiving with a newish friend...but unfortunately there was an incident with our dogs, and my dog was bit on the eye. This morning, it was clear he needs to go to a vet. I debated about informing W, due to the cost and knowing her freak out when she returns on Sunday to find one of his eyes looks missing. First I decided not to tell her. But someone told me I should, so I just sent her a brief text that I would need to take him in today, I was sorry, and would let her know the outcome and cost. Of course she follows up with who what how when where?! (Literally). Then calls me immediately demanding to know all the details, where I was and who it was with. I guarantee she assumes I am staying over at some girlfriend’s house bringing the dog so I can sleep there and her dog attacked and now I’m trying to stick W with the bill. Not the case at all, but what can I do. Our dog has been very stressed since she took the other two suddenly for the holiday, and I didn’t want to leave him alone while I went to the thanksgiving. All around a crappy situation I should have just avoided by spending the holiday alone with the dog frown

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Somehow my emotional state has taken a drastic turn for the worse. The last four days I have had anxiety so bad I can hardly function. I wake up every morning feeling absolutely sick with worry and it doesn’t go away unless I GAL with others and distract myself. But as soon as I’m alone again, it’s back. I’m worried something is happening that I don’t know about. Like somehow my gut feeling knows. I am going to talk to IC on Tuesday at my appointment but I think I need medication, which also terrifies me. I don’t like the idea of taking drugs for mental health stuff but if this doesn’t stop, I can’t live like this. I can’t eat and feel desperate to make this awful feeling go away.

I don’t understand why this is suddenly happening now, after it’s been well over 2 months since BD and I have been largely “fine” as far as not being crippled by this kind of thing. The only thing I can think of that coincides with this starting is an extremely graphic, disturbing dream I had about W and OM. What I saw in this dream I can’t get out of my head. Is it possible for my own dreams to have traumatized me?! It feels insane.

If anyone has any tips for extreme anxiety, please share. Thank you.

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44 - I haven’t read your thread but I am familiar with anxiety. I lost 15 pounds during the BD days and I was skinny to begin with. Lack of appetite is completely familiar. Also the disturbing dreams are familiar.

It sounds like you are at an 8/10 or higher. Everyone is different but some things that have worked for me:

- you have survived 100% of your bad days.
- nobody has died from anxiety.
- notice what the anxiety spikes feel like. Know that they will increase in intensity and eventually subside. Observe your body. Let it be rather than fight it. Pushing it away tends to feed the cycle.
- breathe. When you catch yourself cycling, just breathe.
- focus on the present. Notice your senses: smell touch sight sound
- catch yourself thinking about the past or future and let it go. Focus on the next thing and nothing else. Do the next thing.
- medication is a personal choice.
- exercise has been a life saver - 3 nights a week I go to bed absolutely exhausted. My appetite returned and I feel and look great. It didn’t happen overnight but exercise has a clear connection (for me) to improved mental health.

Also
- meditation does not work well unless anxiety is 6ish or lower. But it works fantastic at those levels for me.

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U, thank you so much for those tips. I have also lost 15 pounds that I couldn’t afford to lose. I think the tip about nobody dying from anxiety is very helpful, because in the worst of it I truly feel like it will kill me. It’s like being suffocated. Also, the exercise could be key. I have not been going to the gym because the money situation is bad and I can’t afford a membership. I need to make myself do some exercise at home (unfortunately too cold to do it outside). Really interesting about meditation only working for lower levels. Thanks again, I’m going to keep coming back to these tips.

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