Anyway, what I really want to caution you about is thinking you know her. Tell me why she most definitely does not want you to know about the tickets? Why would she care? I mean, you are separated now.........right? So, what can you do that would cause her fear of you finding out?
Just evidence of the ticket could be enough for me to go to her leadership and say I am concerned about irresponsible financial moves. Not to mention part of the documentation for a case of adultery. IDK how she wouldn't be a LITTLE nervous to know that I have this. Previously, she has had no idea what I really know or have in the way of evidence. Anyway, the point is not really intimidation.
I did end up confronting her about the ticket. Because I do not like the fact that she took the money that she first gave me to pay some of the debt in my name. And it happens to be almost the same amount as the ticket. First, she simply told me she was not taking a trip this weekend and if she went anywhere it would be to her parents. Then, after I said so you cancelled your plane ticket? she said I have made it clear I will ruin her life and she is just trying to keep her job and find somewhere to live. I said I am also concerned about my life, and credit, being ruined. And you secretly buying plane tickets for large sums of money while taking back similarly large sums that you had earmarked for debt, is alarming and in acceptable. She said she is not trying to ruin my life and will pay off everything in my name before her own. Then she immediately sent me $500. Said she is "really f**king sorry" and is "figuring it all out".
She then asked if I wanted her to cancel the house repairs scheduled for tomorrow. They will be going on her card and she thinks it is worthwhile for house resale and lowering utility bills. I told her she can do what she wants with her account and ultimately she decided to go ahead with it. She then requested a clearer picture of all bills and accounts, and to have everything on auto pay (bills) consolidated onto her card rather than mine. She did throw in some self pitying crap like how she also needs car repair or she will be car-less soon, but she will "figure that out". And she said will leave me alone, all she requests is time to get stuff when she needs it and to see "her" dogs. So that's where we are.
OMG, I do not know how I have been so incredibly dense to have never considered checking the phone bill. It is on auto pay, is paperless, it just never even occurred to me because for all intents and purposes it doesn't physically exist. But it does if I log into the app and actually look. I am relieved that I have finally seen all I need to see, in person, with my own two eyes. Hours and hours of phone conversations, and a pretty good picture of when it started. The OM's number begins appearing about a week before BD, and one week after I visited. One week, and she decided to throw it all away. It's unbelievable. Despite already knowing, I am still in shock to have finally confirmed it. Now I just have to kill the urge to call him and tell him his career is over.
I don't know why it's so hard for me to believe. I mean this is the second time, for Pete's sake! But I'm blown away. I told my therapist about the letter she wrote me 6 weeks prior to BD and her begging me to come visit a mere 3 weeks prior. I think she finally understood why I am so blindsided. I can honest to God say that I did not feel at all insecure in the MR when she left in August (this is not to say that I totally trusted her, just that I knew she was "clean" and was putting in some effort). There were no bad signs. We were better than we had ever been since the last A, and probably even before. But here I am, roadkill once again.
I don't think what happened to you is uncommon. I think part of her wanted it to work out but the feelings weren't there the way she wanted them to be. It's very common for couples in trouble to but a new house hoping that it will bring them happiness. My ex gave me a anniversary card at the end of June saying "thank you for the best 15 years of my life and I look forward to many more". Then bombed me in July. WTF happened in a month? The truth is she probably wrote what she did because she thought it was the right thing to do and she maybe wanted to believe it. Don't spend another minute thinking about that letter. My advice to you is let her go. I can 100% absolutely promise you that being divorced is better then how you are living right now.
LH, after reading many stories here, I at least partially agree with you. I don't even think it was just her wanting to believe it. I believe there was a part of her that did and meant it sincerely. But there was also her waywardness that won out in the end. Triggered by meeting another OM and that other part of her died immediately because she is addicted.
So W is leaving to OM tomorrow. How am I supposed to survive the weekend knowing where she is and what she is doing? And more importantly, how do I not text OM right now and tell him he ends it with my W, or I end his career (I have confirmed he is also military)? I am confident I have enough documentation. I know we always talk about how it isn't about the A and it doesn't matter, but at the end of the day, especially in cases like mine, it seems like it's ALL about the A! It's like saying a heroin addiction isn't really about the heroin. And how do I calmly stand on the side when I could call the dealer and say I'm turning him in if he supplies my W any further??
I get it. Let her go. Stop caring. It just feels like leaving my wife on the side of the road with a needle in her arm. And then the subsequent struggle to not call the cops (in this case, report the A).
This weekend, to be frank, [censored]. Knowing she is with him makes me sick. I am GALing and trying not to think about it, but there really isn’t a worse feeling. Still desperately wishing I could wake up from this nightmare. Thanks all for your support.
Thanks, Sandi. I haven’t posted because there isn’t much to update. I kept telling myself I just had to make it through the torturous weekend, but turned out I didn’t feel any better when I knew the plane had touched down and she was back. I was able to get some real work done with school stuff, however, and do a better job than I have in a long while since BD. I also waffled back and forth on whether I should decorate for the holidays and I finally decided, why not!? I’m going to. I thought perhaps it would be morbid or weird, but I literally had a goofy smile on my face when I started putting up some lights and my vision came together. I knew I made the right decision. So I will continue decorating this week and make the home a joyful, peaceful place for me and the dogs.
Today officially marks one week of zero contact with W, from either side (definitely the longest ever). But it was ruined by the darn medical clinic calling her this morning before calling me about my upcoming appointment. First she just texted they were trying to get a hold of me (I was already off the phone by the time I got the text, so it’s not like I didn’t answer them for hours). Then after no response she asked if everything is okay and do I need her to do anything. Is it wrong to just not reply? I feel very disgusted with W and just have no interest in breaking NC. Don’t want to be rude but this is not an important event.
I would just reply back "no thanks, got it covered." It was either nice or nosy of her to ask. If nice then a polite response is good. If nosy then a polite response is still good because it discloses nothing.
That is exactly what I intended, but I was quite busy today and a couple hours passed before I could send it and she called me. I didn’t want to answer and let it go to voicemail. She then texted that any response was helpful to let her know I was okay. And that she needs to come to the house to get some things and see the dogs. Again I was driving and delayed my response and again she ended up calling, twice. I don’t know why exactly I had some issues with avoiding even replying to her. Anyway, after the calls which I didn’t answer because I didn’t want a convo, I texted that I am fine. And I will let her know which day she can come to the house.
She responded, No she will come to get what she needs and see the dogs. I was confused as I had not said she couldn’t come, I assume she did not like that it was to be on my terms. But I just replied I did not say she couldn’t. Then she said I was difficult to coordinate with. What?! This is the first day I hear anything about her wanting to come, it seems to only have been triggered by her not liking my non response to her “check in” due the medical call. Now suddenly she wants to come to the house and I am somehow difficult. I just said sorry you feel that way, like I said we can arrange it. She said she wanted today or tomorrow, depending on her work schedule. I said tomorrow is fine and have received nothing since. I would not be surprised if she doesn’t even show up or communicate further about the time. Since I don’t think this was really even about her coming. But I do suspect she will want to inspect everything as she has been away a while. Who knows.
