Quick background: married 7 years, 3 children, pregnant with planned third pregnancy when affair was discovered. We had moved to Kansas from Phoenix for my husbands work 8 months prior to the affair. Affair partner lives in Arizona and is a (10 years younger) coworker out of the Phoenix office. Everything was great, we loved kansas, planned to grow our family. I read the DB book during the brief period we were “working” on the marriage.
In February, 6 weeks into our PLANNED third pregnancy, during a night out drinking with clients, my husband accidentally texted me instead of her. Turns out 3 weeks prior he had met her at a work event back in Arizona and began an affair.
After the discovery of the affair (that he still denies even after bragging about it to mutual friends) he began saying he was unhappy in our marriage, didn’t know what he wanted, just wanted to be happy and be the best father to our children he could be which apparently being married to me prevented him from doing. Saying he’s depressed, blah blah...while still denying the affair.
This went on for a month or so of him saying he’s unhappy, doesn’t know what to do, etc. he suggests he move out and we do a trial separation...that lasted 3 days and he was begging to come home to give the marriage a try....giving it a try lasted about 2 weeks and then he announced he wanted a divorce and that he was being “transferred” back to Arizona and would like the kids and I to move back as well.
I decided to stay in Kansas with the kids as we’d fallen in love with it and I knew he wasn’t being transferred but was transferring himself back to be with her.
Shortly after that he filed for divorce and we both lawyered up. He moved back to Phoenix in May and began outwardly dating her. Introduced her to our children when they visited in the summer. Has her FaceTime with my kids whenever he’s with them. In September I delivered a healthy baby....he was in Phoenix during the birth. Never once asked about me or the baby during the stressful pregnancy, wasn’t there for the birth, has seen the baby for one hour since he was born 6 weeks ago.
Between February when this began and now my husband has become someone I don’t recognize at all. He is interested in seeing the children when it’s convenient for him, but is fighting me for custody in court. He has become angry towards me, vindictive, entitled, has become a liar, a cheater, has bought a brand new $100k car, overhauled his wardrobe, hit the gym like a crazy person, is the COMPLETE opposite of the person he was the DAY before he sent the text. My husband is the absolute last person in the entire world that I ever thought would cheat, let alone abandon his pregnant wife and turn his back on his kids. I thought the birth of the baby would bring him back to reality-seems like it’s made it even worse. His entire life was our kids and our family so I know something is going on with him.
After much research I believe this is a midlife crisis....but he’s only 35. Is that even possible? Or has he just morphed into a monster overnight with no logical explanation?
I survived the pregnancy and 2 other young children all alone for 7 months, picked up the pieces of the shattered life he left us with. I don’t know where to go from here. Will he ever become the person I used to know again? Will he eventually “snap out” of this? We are just beginning the divorce process cause we couldn’t get divorced while I was pregnant. Is it too late to stop this freight train from barreling on? We don’t speak at all, I see him about once every 5 weeks when he breezes through town to see his kids for an hour or two. my only hope is she breaks up with him and he realizes what he’s done. It’s like his literally been abducted by someone the complete opposite of who he was. I fear as long as they’re still together he will continue on with this and by that time the divorce will be final.
He seems as happy as a clam with this 24 year old while my life is in turmoil, raising a newborn, 2 year old and 6 year old 100% on my own. I don’t know that I will ever get over this and move forward with my life until I know that his life is unraveling. Does karma eventually catch up to these people?
I guess my question is....does this sound like a midlife crisis, and if so, will he eventually come out of it and realize what he’s done? He shows no remorse, takes no blame, still lies about the affair. I believe there isn’t anything I can do at this point to save my marriage but will he always be this lying, cheating, hateful person or will he come out the other end of this? I can’t bear the thought of coparenting these 3 children for the next 18 years with the person he currently is. I don’t know this person and I hate who he’s become, and I think deep down he hates himself too.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well. Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Yes, it is possible that this is a MLC. They do become the exact opposite of the person we knew and loved. We call this change the mirror image.
I want you to think back to 18-24 months ago...did something happen to him? New job, lost a job, health issue, death of a family member or friend, and/or a health crisis? Something had to have triggered this life change for him that has now created this "one more time" life event. BTW, how was his childhood?
It's going to take a long time for him to recover from this, if ever. Some do recover and others do not. We don't know the outcome of your h and how his crisis will be. The best advice that I can offer you is to keep the focus on you and your children, dig deeper for patience and definitely follow the advice of your lawyer. I would also suggest that you run a credit report on you and your h to see if he's taken out any loans or additional credit cards that you do not know about. Document, document and document everything that revolves around your interactions w/him. You just never know when you may need that evidence.
There is nothing you can do to stop his crisis. Once in crisis, they have to go all the way through it in order to come out the other side. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. You can only control you and how you react to his behavior. Detach as much as you can and breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
A $100k car sounds like a little more than a MLC (unless he makes a ridiculous amount of money) - sounds like a possible manic episode or drug use.
You definitely NEED to go through with the divorce in order to protect yourself and your kids financially. Being divorced or not will not have any bearing on whether he returns or not, but will definitely allow you to protect assets.
Now - look back carefully - was he REALLY all that you thought he was - or were you wearing rose colored glasses? Is there ANYTHING in his past that now that you look at it, seems odd? Is there mental illness in the family?
I thought my marriage was a good one, but since I've been divorced (from my husband of 24 years) I realize that there were a LOT of things I overlooked in my marriage, and a lot of red flags that I blew right past.
BTW - did OW know that you were pregnant? Odds are quite good that he's lied to her about any number of things.
I'm so sorry you are in this position, and I know this seems ridiculous to you now, but you might find in a couple of years that you realize you are better off without him.
Fight for your financial rights to support for your children's sake. I hope you have family that you can lean on.
Oh - and check your credit. Sometimes the really crazy ones (and a $100k car sounds crazy) will take out credit cards in the name of the left behind spouse and run them up.
Protect yourself. Protect your kids. Listen to the vets here, especially Job and Kml.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I cannot imagine dealing with this while pregnant. I'm so glad you and the baby are ok. Do everything you can to keep the focus on you, your kids. You've got no control over anything else. Don't think of the next 18 years. You have to get through each day, one day at a time. Do not plan more than one week out (Job taught me that). Do not borrow trouble from tomorrow (Kml taught me that).
Focus on what kind of a life you want to have right now with your kids. Do you have any support where you live?
Keep posting.
Sending you hugs xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
So sorry MH. What an awful time for you to be going through something like this...not that there is ever a good time. I agree with what everyone else on here says. You need to worry about protecting you and your kids first and about what he is doing or is going to do last. Like Butterfly suggests...take it one day at a time. Do NOT think about the what ifs of the future or the next 18 years...take it one day at a time and deal with what is right in front of you. And keep posting. I joined this forum a year ago and I was a mess. Over 1,200 posts later... I am doing much better. It helps a lot. (((HUGS)))
I’m sorry for the situation you find yourself in. H leaving a pregnant wife and two kids is really rough. My XW left me and my four kids. The day before all fine, then a big announcement to me and the kids, and she left with OM.
MLCers live competing lives, and compartmentalize within themselves. This strategy works for a while, but the pain, pressure, and guilty keep growing. This all happens unnoticed to us, the loving spouse. Eventually a breaking point is reached and their dam breaks. A mistakenly sent text, a chance happening of getting caught, or just too much pressure and they spill their guts.
After that, things are in the open, for them. It is for us as well, since we now know about. However, it is the being open to themselves, those two or more competing lives they were living, suddenly both existing together and in full force. In their world emotions rein supreme, they are ruled by their feeling. This is all about H, nothing to do with you. An MLCer path is emotional driven, and as such is irrational and will not look rational or logical. Their decisions are based on feelings, not reason.
With their still unrealized and unidentifiable pain and torment from long ago trauma, the MLCer with project and blame those closest to them, their parter if they have one. Again, this is all about them, and the justifications are irrational and devoid of sound mind or reason. Yes, sometimes their criticisms are close to the mark, and they sting, and hurt. If there is some truth to them, follow those and make changes to you, and for you. This is a fantastic opportunity to become better and not bitter. You can, and will, emerge a much stronger and healthier person.
Originally Posted by MyHell
does this sound like a midlife crisis...
That is the LBS’s burning question isn’t it. Validation of what your seeing and relief that others believe you.
In the general population mid life crisis is seen in the stereotypical Hollywood style of guy buys new Ferrari and gets younger girl friend. But as we know, the truth is much much darker and destructive to the suffer and those around them.
So, yes it sounds like your H is suffering MLC, a crisis.
MLC is a long road. Some recover, some do not. The future is unknown. This is the time to focus on you and your kids.
Nothing you do will affect his path, and everything will. That makes much more sense when you are further down your path.
However, everything you do, will affect you. Strive for better and not bitter.
There is a way out of our personal h3ll. I know, I’ve walked it.
Stay strong, and have hope.
DnJ
Last edited by DnJ; 10/17/1911:46 AM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
