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#2868460 10/16/19 05:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Many worries
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I'm so sorry Kelsey...

Steve has some great advice. Most likely his eye wandered a while ago. It's hard to maintain one relationship, but trying to do 2 relationships with the stress, shame, guilt, and pressure all around? That's very hard.

What's hard for you is to recognize his pain and to try and really THINK and not FEEL your way through this. He's sending lots of mixed messages bc he is all over the place. We have a saying here, please drive this into your head:

"Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do". It applies to everyone you meet and all the time.

My advice is to remove pressure, don't discuss things in details, protect your emotions, and recognize important things. You don't have kids together I take it. LRT it is. Talking about the dogs seems unnecessary. I love my dog and so does my W but if she separated I would take care of the dog and not mention it to my W.

Also, there are some great gals here that will be in to support you from the feminine side. Stay strong sister!


I know that Steven was cheated on... so he sees everyone the same. But without more evidence it adds NOTHING to the conversation.



It does add something IMO.

Originally Posted by Many worries
Originally Posted by unchien


It feels like giving up. I'm on a divorce BUSTING web forum after all..


Most of the "experts" here are divorced. There was no divorce busting at all. (Personally, I think a few would be better served on militant men's rights forum) but that's for another day.

Also, it should be noted that many here give advice contrary to MWD. At times, I feel the advice here pushes spouse into binary thinking and thus moves them to divorce without giving them a path home.

Remember the things that did or didn't serve them in their marriages won't necessarily serve your efforts.





Originally Posted by Many worries
Originally Posted by AnotherSLander


Alright well prepare yourself for incoming 2x4's. You are being pathetic and needy. And that's VERY unattractive. All because of what, she took some item you had in your garage that you were desperately clinging to in the hopes that she won't be able to leave you? It's a "symbol"? Come on, get over it. You should have handed it to her and asked her if she needed any help getting the rest of her crap out of your house. My girlfriend pulled this on me, said she wanted to take her stuff in case we break up. You know what I did? Boxed it up for her and told her it's ready to go whenever she wants it. That was like a year ago and it's still at my house.

If you want to keep hanging out with her and doing stuff together that's fine, but you've got to quit being so needy. When you do stuff together then enjoy the moment, and when she leaves then enjoy your time apart.





Example A


I wanted to make a thread for you so that we can clear the air and discuss different in reasonings and philsophies without hijacking threads.

I don't like dropping into threads just to go round and round on these things so let's get it all out here.

I also noticed you substituted an L for the T in one of member's names. I think that is just childish. Can we discuss without the attacks?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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I'm curious about your motives as well, Many Worries.

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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I think that is just childish. Can we discuss without the attacks?
I find these two statements contradictory.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Many worries
Most of the "experts" here are divorced. There was no divorce busting at all.


As a man, I can explain how to use a tampon, even though I don't personally use them.

Same things as a divorced man. I went though a tremendous period of personal growth when I was bomb dropped. I believe the other divorced men here did the same. I joined this forum about 10 years ago. I have seen what works and what does not. I did not bust my divorce, but that was out of my control. Others have. What worked for them? Making positive changes to the way they interacted with their spouse. I do not recall anyone saving their marriage until the third party was out of the picture. There was a huge range of recommendations on how to get the third party out of the picture ranging from let it run its course to take drastic actions. I believe it is initially best to get as many options on the table, and then make an educated decision on which one works best for each individual.





"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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I won't be commenting further on anything Many Worries says here or in any other thread. I'm here to help people, not dance with trolls.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I won't be commenting further on anything Many Worries says here or in any other thread. I'm here to help people, not dance with trolls.



You are here for your own twisted ego. Be honest.

My warning to those AS has recommended things that MWD does not support or ascribe to. (he's as admitted to this, but then lied about it later).

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AS has repeatedly attacked me and he gets a pass? I have to defend myself. My concern is that there is a lot of bad advice going around here. A lot. The tone of this place has changed in the past 5 or so years. it's gone to a place where almost no LBS takes responsibility for their role in the marriage. Everyone makes wild speculations that aren't helpful to the situations. And they just call their WAS "crazy." They encourage people to quickly move (date, sleep with new partners, etc.) on instead of working to repair the marriage.

These people are not marriage experts and many post downright dangerous information. Much of the advice goes against the DB teachings. The mods here used to police that much more often, I guess it's more of a free for all now.

The information here is more like "how to survive a divorce" not how to repair a marriage. Almost every thing I've posted has been advice I was given by the old timers.



As a final note. I'm not better or smarter or some superman, but I was able to survive the BD. I was able to totally and completely reconciled with my wife and we just celebrated 21 years of marriage this month. (which is different than most here - again I'm not making a judgment on their marriage because I understand that each is different)





Last edited by Many worries; 10/17/19 02:28 PM.
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Many worries, I am sorry you feel that way. I typically try to avoid confrontation here. If someone gives advice that I don't agree with I typically just give my advice. I think the forum as a whole has done a good job of disagreeing without being disagreeable. Maybe a run through the forum guidelines might be useful.

Glad you were able to turn around your sitch and R! I am in the same position, though we did have a slight speed bump this past summer. Would agree that Ring is difficult? Maybe even more difficult than just giving up and getting D'd. Though I have no experience with latter.


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M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Many worries, I am sorry you feel that way. I typically try to avoid confrontation here. If someone gives advice that I don't agree with I typically just give my advice. I think the forum as a whole has done a good job of disagreeing without being disagreeable. Maybe a run through the forum guidelines might be useful.

Glad you were able to turn around your sitch and R! I am in the same position, though we did have a slight speed bump this past summer. Would agree that Ring is difficult? Maybe even more difficult than just giving up and getting D'd. Though I have no experience with latter.



Steve... The effects are felt years after the BD. The progression is never a straight line up, which I'm sure that you are finding out.

It probably took 5 years to feel "normal" again and that was for both of us. It's very important to acknowledge that the spouse went through a lot of things too. For example, if they had an EA or PA...they have to live with the idea of knowing they did that. That can be a lot guilt if the marriage continues.

They have to live with knowing the ask for D.

There is one solid piece of advice I got her about it. Don't hang what happened over your spouse's head like the sword of Damocles.


Last edited by Many worries; 10/17/19 04:08 PM.
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I would like to weigh in on this. Unfortunately I’m having a very busy day at work. I haven’t read your posts, Many worries, but I intend to. I actually agree with some of what you are saying and also feel the culture of this board has changed a lot in the last 5 years. Either way, we all need to respect one another and communicate in a way that is mindful and productive. All of us and all the time, no exceptions.

I’ll be back when I have some time! I hope we can all make some positive changes together, as this place is a life savor for many readers!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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