My ex is an even bigger azz than I could have ever believed.
Background - middle son just graduated with his MSW in June and started his first job. Unfortunately the job ended up requiring a crazy amount of driving (up to four hours a day In LA traffic) and at the same time he was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos syndrome, a collagen disorder which is causing his joints to pop out of place (probably worsened by an exacerbation of his lifelong anorexia due to stress of graduate school). He was having so much pain from the driving that he had to quit his job .He also became seriously depressed. Now he’s trying to get proper medical help for his medical problems and eating disorder and find a new job that doesn't involve all that driving ( this was on the job driving, not commute to work).
So - he needs financial help from his parents to get through this - not just rent and bills, but he’s also had to go to some outside practitioners to get the care he needs, that are not covered by his hmo.
I’ve been willing to pitch in half, even though it means I will have to dip into retirement savings to do so. (I make less than a third of what ex does). This is a good kid, straight A student, who feels really bad about this.
My ex makes an income of about $350k and has a wife who must make between 80-100k. No kids except our three adult children. When he retires in February he will pay me $4k a month as my share of the pension, while he gets about 10k per month. He can also work per diem at his old job (most do) 2-3 days per week and make another 100k per year if he chooses. His wife is only in her early 40’s so presumably not retiring. He was out on an unpaid disability leave for a few months and I guess tapped into his 401k for some of that.
His 401k should have been worth about $800k at least.
So - after sending him an accounting of son’s expenses, what I’ve paid so far, what he’s paid and what we would each need to contribute going forward 50:50 - silence. For almost two weeks. Then an email back saying he’s too broke and I should pay for it all out of the pension I won’t even be receiving until February.
WTF? A few thousand out of his 401k over the next few months isn’t going to affect his retirement a bit but he still wants to stick me with it because he’s mad I got a piece of the pension after 24 years of marriage??? Honestly I don’t know this man. One son is already estranged from him. And this is after I offered him a solution that would have saved him considerably on his taxes so that it would have been a large net gain for him.
I’m so hopping mad right now I can’t see straight. Cheap jerk. And how does he expect to keep a relationship with his other two children after this?
Btw - he’s not disabled from practicing medicine, just won’t be operating any more. His neck and shoulder problems do not prevent him from doing clinic work. Or lecturing.
Yes I’m sorry for him he’s not getting his dream retirement. But hey, he blew up my whole f-ing life and he doesn’t hear me complain about it.
Parents sacrifice for their children . That’s what you do.
When I met with mine recently and told him that I was going after everything I'm entitled to under the law because I'm the one with the relationship with the children and they will come to me for their needs, he said they have two parents. I said don't even get me started on that. Then he said I was punishing him. And I asked, for pursuing what I'm entitled to?
This just proves to me I'm right. I'll take him for everything I can so I can help my kids like a normal parent would in these circumstances.
I really wish I could have gotten a lump sum settlement instead of alimony. There weren't enough assets for that, but I think him cutting me a check for alimony for ten years really cemented in his mind that there was some injustice - so he paid me back by sticking me with over $100k of excess expenses for our adult kids. And now he acts like he's doing me a f-ing favor by paying me the part of the pension that is LEGALLY MINE and therefore I should spend it all on the kids even though I don't get for three more months. HE'S the one that blew up MY life and I've never whined about that to him. What an idiot.
I can totally forgive him for the marriage, the cheating - but not for what he's done to our kids since the divorce.
Yup - he spoke to son today and confirmed that he won't help him. And that he thinks son is "entitled" (anything but! Super hardworking kid who got straight A's while over coming a host of problems.) And that it's all my fault he's "broke" because he has to pay me my legally mandated portion of the pension.
I sent son a copy of the original email I sent to ex - a very nice pleasant email with a breakdown of costs, an acknowledgement that it's a stretch for each of us, and reasons why we should support our child. Son confirmed that it was a very nice email and nothing like what his father had described to him - sheer gaslighting.
What an idiot.
(And lest any of you think that he didn't get a fair shake in our divorce - we live in a community property state. All of our assets were earned during our marriage. I worked part time after out three kids were born so that he could pursue his high-powered career. I had asked him early on to consider a less demanding field and us each work part-time and split child-rearing but he didn't want to do that. I got half of our assets, only 10 years of alimony for a 24 year marriage, and a share of the pension which actually underestimates my share by a bit because the formulas used couldn't account for the fact that his pension accrued at 2%/year during the years we were married but only 1%/year in recent years. The alimony was based on an imputed income that is more than I have ever made - it was a compromise between what he felt I could earn and what I actually earn. I split college expenses for all our kids with him. And as stated before, spent probably over $100k more than him in helping our adult children, who all have mental health issues that were certainly exacerbated by ex's blowing up their family.)
Not to mention that I have carried all the emotional weight for our children's problems - from one son's Asperger's and anxiety to another's drug addiction to the third's physical and emotional health issues - while ex sees them once in a blue moon. Must be nice to just check out of parenting when it gets too rough.
Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving. I think that the best piece of advice that I got from my lawyer was "you're scr@w@d".
I do think that most people faced with a divorce, especially the ones who leave have an attitude that they are given a half pass to a "fresh start". On the other hand as I recently wrote, I was pretty upset that I had to pay for other's choices.
It's especially sad that in some ways that it's the kids that get the worst and of the stick. Even when they are adults in some cases. I know that my son especially would have benefited from having a functional parenting duo behind him. On top of that they are stuck in the middle with conflicting stories and priorities.
It wouldn't though surprise me if your ex is indeed broke and struggling. He undoubtedly doesn't have a recent history of making good decisions. Take S's ex who (probably) wasn't unfaithful. He makes about 20% more than I do but moves from one substandard housing situation to another and is doubtful that he can get a car loan for a cheap car.
You are resourceful and have a kid who wants to succeed. You'll figure something out but yeah, it won't be easy.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
No way is my ex "broke". I know what he makes and have a rough idea of what his wife must make. I know what his upcoming pension will be and how much he could make working per diem after his early retirement at 60.
I also know what he bought his duplex for and what kind of rent he gets for the other unit.
Seriously, even if he spent $100k of his retirement savings to cover his unpaid disability leave, he'd still have plenty of money to live a very nice life - much nicer than my retirement will ever be. In fact, if he were willing to sell his property and buy a nice $1 million dollar house a little further up the coast (like, 10-15 miles up the coast) and a mile or two inland, he'd have no mortgage payments at all and would never have to work a day in his life again. But he wants to hold on to his duplex, right now the rental income should cover half of his mortgage, eventually with inflation it will cover it all.
No, he just feels like he should be richer even than he is. Probably feels like his wife should be able to retire at 42. And it's all my fault because he couldn't dump his wife of 24 years without some financial consequences. Someone told him early in our marriage that the secret to financial success was "one wife, one house". He'd have been way better off financially if he hadn't blown up our marriage, he simply needs to accept that he paid that price for bailing. And really, he should be so happy with his new life, right? But apparently not happy enough to help his children out.
I can't imagine why you felt the need to justify taking your half of community property. He's an ahole. That's all there is to it. I'm glad that at least your son knows the truth of what happened.
I hate that our exes think they are entitled to ruin the lives of people they said they loved, including their children, then whine and moan to the very same people about how their finances are not as healthy as they would like. Mine carries on a treat to our sons whenever he sees them, reminding them that they 'owe' him and they are obliged to help him financially when he is old and grey.
It might be XH's idea of a joke, but if it is it falls flat every time.
I just have such a hard time maintaining an angry attitude. Even after yesterday, which makes it clear that he's trying to stick it to me because he's angry that I get part of the pension, and is willing to let his relationship with his kid suffer because of it by putting them in the middle, I still woke up this morning thinking - "wow, he must be really panicking about his finances in retirement. " I even ran a quick financial calculator to see what his situation will really be. And no big surprise - he will be ok. Even using very conservative estimates I have him with a safe after-tax income of 11,000 a month. (Safe meaning accounting for inflation, his eventual social security, growth of his retirement funds, long lifespan etc). Even if he's paying 5,000 a month for his mortgage and taxes on his duplex (I suspect it's a thousand or two less after rental income and tax deductions, but again, making very conservative estimates) he would still have $6,000 a month after taxes for present expenses. Of course, eventually his mortgage will be totally covered by rental income as rents rise. Meanwhile, he could work per diem just one day a week and bring in an extra 3,000 a month which would make him very comfortable and pay for vacations and such. This is all without including his wife's income. Working per diem two days a week would bring in $6,000 a month extra and fund a luxurious lifestyle with plenty of foreign travel.
So - just to say - no, me getting my fair share of the pension is not going to make him broke, or even prevent his young wife from retiring in her 40's if that's what they want. He probably doesn't know this though because he's bad at math and finances.
