Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 3

[Westo]

DnJ is right in what he says.

Reaching out is for you not him. He knows the score, you told him. I said up thread to dig deeper.

This is what I meant. Now, after he’s told you he wants to come home, you leave it. You get on with life and focus on your D.

I know it’s very difficult not to reach out again but.........he knows you love him. He knows where you are.

Believe me, if you reach out again and he doesn’t respond, the more angry you will be. If R is to happen you need to keep the anger and disappointment list as short as you can.

Because they don’t miraculously go away if and when he comes home.

Dig deep, you’re doing great.

[job]

I agree w/DnJ and Westo. Your h knows how you feel and he knows that you would welcome home. So, w/that being said, leave him to his stewing. The more you attempt to reach out, the more it appears are pressure for him to make that decision to come home and come home now. He needs a lot of time and space to figure out what he wants and how to go about it. You have to remember, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. He has to do this on his own.

If he reaches out, be a friend and keep your expectations at zero because he's going to be flip flopping about what he wants for quite some time. Dig deeper for patience and know that the time and space that you give him will help him in the long run.

I do hope that you are feeling better today. Keep the focus on your and your little one.

[CanBird]

Good Morning Can

I’m glad Thanksgiving went well. And sorry about the illness that made the runs rounds. Lol.

I have a lot of tug of wars going on within myself. I'm trying my hardest to detach, but I worry so much. It doesn't do any good. Guess I'm struggling with wanting to reach out and see if he's okay, letting him know I still am here. Maybe he needs to hear it again.

My focus needs to be else where. He's going to do whatever. So hard to not reach out. Almost a guilty feeling.

Maybe he needs to hear it again.

Nope. He heard it.

He needs space and no pressure.

I understand and empathize with the tug of war, and that sort of guilty feeling. It is hard not to reach out.

Do you “think” he needs you to reach out, or is reaching out more for you?

From my experience it is the latter. You are starting to let go, fighting your addiction to H and the relationship, and detaching. This is a battle of your will. You are in a fight with your very mind and the desire for the chemicals that once flowed so freely before all this.

You are not with out weapons in this fight. Logic and reason are your biggest allies and strengthens during this time. See things accurately, see things clearly. Feelings will fade and flit away when not reinforced. Mental assertiveness; sword and shield. Arm yourself, this is a difficult and painful part of the path.

Focus elsewhere - focus on you and D3.

DnJ

Thank you DnJ. You're right. H knows how I feel and that he's welcome home. I guess I'm wanting to reassure him of that. Maybe he feels guilty for missing Thanksgiving? I don't blame him for skipping that! Way too much stimulation at once. Too soon! Any way, he's a big boy, lost at the moment. I need to breathe deeper to clear my head to get ahead.

Your feedback is always wise & greatly appreciated.

[CanBird]

DnJ is right in what he says.

Reaching out is for you not him. He knows the score, you told him. I said up thread to dig deeper.

This is what I meant. Now, after he’s told you he wants to come home, you leave it. You get on with life and focus on your D.

I know it’s very difficult not to reach out again but.........he knows you love him. He knows where you are.

Believe me, if you reach out again and he doesn’t respond, the more angry you will be. If R is to happen you need to keep the anger and disappointment list as short as you can.

Because they don’t miraculously go away if and when he comes home.

Dig deep, you’re doing great.

Thanks Westo. After reading your post, I felt like I was a fighter in a ring and you're coaching me to keep going! Feeling stronger! Cue the Rocky theme

[CanBird]

I agree w/DnJ and Westo. Your h knows how you feel and he knows that you would welcome home. So, w/that being said, leave him to his stewing. The more you attempt to reach out, the more it appears are pressure for him to make that decision to come home and come home now. He needs a lot of time and space to figure out what he wants and how to go about it. You have to remember, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. He has to do this on his own.

If he reaches out, be a friend and keep your expectations at zero because he's going to be flip flopping about what he wants for quite some time. Dig deeper for patience and know that the time and space that you give him will help him in the long run.

I do hope that you are feeling better today. Keep the focus on your and your little one.

Thank you Job. I feel like I'm on the mend. D3 told me today, "keep hydrated!" The focus right now should be me getting better. Me & D3 doing our thing. H should take his time, I'm all for it. What you said, about the more you reach out, the more pressure he may feel...I understood, and hearing it from someone else really made me think. STOP and think. Although I may think reaching to reassure him he can come home, it can seem like pressure.

Thank you for the eye opener.

[CanBird]

Journaling~ Now that H family (on both sides) are kind of in the know, that leaves friends.

I made the mistake of telling a few of my friends H might be home. Now what? What can I say to our friends? Neighbors? Hs taking sometime to himself? That sounds about right and it's the truth.

Where is H? "He's taking sometime for himself. It's been a stressful season". And change the subject. Any further questions I will plead I swore to keep the details hush hush...feels like he's a secret agent or something..lol. (I'd say the same thing to my family to. And I will need ask my dad postpone his annual trip this year. H & I need the time to work on things. I can't deal with my dad & this at the same time)

Any thoughts?

[peacetoday]

I would consider being honest

simple--H and I are taking a season apart to thing about things

and stop it there...no need to discuss anything further

I remember feeling so much shame around my XH leaving and it took a while to work through
hang in there-

[CanBird]

Journal / Vent/ thinking/~ Finally feeling better. Things have mostly run their course (pun intended). I dropped more than 5lbs. I think it was partially stress related. I'm still on a strict easy food regiment as not to have a replay.

D3 is well. Back to our routine here. I'm nervous about facing friends. I thought H would be home. He decided to to take time sometime for himself. WE didn't decide: he did it, and I'm okay with it. Guess that's kind of a we..lol.. I'm a pretty private person, H is too. No wonder we're here. It was going to happen regardless right? ANY WAY.... so, back to what to say..

Breathe in .... Breathe out..... I'll figure it out. Sticking to the truth, what I wish to share is the way to go.
Not sure I want to say WE are taking a break. That statement doesn't sit right with me. H decided that.

Facts: Hs season went longer than expected
- he didn't connect with us over Thanksgiving
-D3 and I had a nice visit with in-laws/family
-we we're sick
-looking ahead to doing fun holiday stuff with D3

What is H Doing? My possible replies if probed:
-He's taking sometime for himself. We've talked. It's fine.

Where is he? "Wherever he wants to be". He's deciding. His journey.

That's my story. I'm sticking to it!

[peacetoday]

Can

It seems good

Once you come to terms with it within yourself ..grieve a bit more--
the others knowing or not knowing wont matter anymore
these days anything goes in M..and MOST of the kids friends parents are either D or have issues
so the kids understand this-

I always said good things about XH

Hes not happy in the M
He needs some time to work on himself
We grew apart..No hard feelings,,
I wish him the best
Whatever seems right and true and what feels best to say-

Only my therapist and closest friends and mother really knew the pain I was in-

[kml]

Or you could say "He told me he's taking some time for himself". That way YOU are not implicated in the lie - you're just telling them what he told you, you're not validating the truth of it.