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CanBird Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Great news CanBird!!! Just a word of caution... In 2014, first BD, my H left home for a month after five months of trying to “find himself”. I was so relieved when he wanted to come back home that I just let him with no questions asked. In the ensuing couple of months, whenever I asked my H what happened, he would just say he couldn’t really remember and it was all very foggy about what he went through and didn’t even feel like it was him. He was grateful to be back, “in love” with me again and just wanted to move forward. I was so relieved, I just let him. Two months later he got Shingles and started his double life that lasted four years until he was found out. In hindsight, if I could do it all over, I would not have let him come back home so easily. I may have let him move back but it would have been with conditions...marital therapy, date nights, more time spent together and with our kids. If I hadn’t just let him walk back in with no expectations, I really feel like maybe we could have avoided BD #2. Anyway... I don’t want to rain on your parade... I just want you to be careful and not set yourself up for further disappointment down the road. Best of luck. We’re all rooting for you!!!



Thanks DejaVu6. Moving forward with caution definitely. I'm hopeful he gets the help he needs, whatever the outcome. And I will be the best me I can be, for myself and D3. Hopeful he'll be willing to explore ways to bring us closer, once he's gotten his feet on the ground. No rush. My first name is patience. Not really, but I'm not pushing anything. Healing takes time.



~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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CanBird Offline OP
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Homework? Yes. I've had over 7 months without H, to do homework. Researched MLC/Depression and even "Male Menopause". Spent countless hours reading post after post on this site, starting with the welcome page from job. I've read Sandi's rules & typed out my favorite ones to follow. In the beginning my en suite bathroom mirror was filled with post-its to keep me motivated. I would read something inspiring and write in onto the mirror with wipe able marker. In September a good friend stayed with me for almost a month. I took down my inspiration wall, but put a few simple phrases on fridge for myself. I didn't share my sitch with her.

Tonight as I was sorting through "things", I came across my post-its & other words of wisdom; my homework. Words in bold type, others underlined. I will keep my favorite list close, so I can pull it out when I need it. Along with my homework, I have the letter I wrote H before he left. He read it, and I found it under his car seat. Luckily I found it before my friend borrow the vehicle! It's pretty much a Lighthouse letter. I'm proud of it and will be putting it back where H left it.

I was thinking of making a copy of it, but I know how I feel, or how I felt then. It hasn't changed. I've gotten stronger emotional over the months. The grieving is much. Like when my mother passed, before we got married. (7 years ago). Time heals. The hurt is still there, but it's not as painful. Time has been on my side. I can't believe 7 months went by so quickly. And here we are.

I'll continue to post when I can. No official word on his arrival. That's normal..lol..

Be well and smile today

Last edited by CanBird; 11/21/19 06:51 AM.

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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Hi canbird I’m really thrilled for you with these recent developments and sincerely hope this presages a new and better chapter for all of you! Good luck and god bless!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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Hi Canbird,

It’s great that he has reached out, but as Peace advises, please be wary. If he is in MLC, it lasts years. In my sitch, 5 years since BD.

H came home 16 months ago and only in the last month I can say he is truly back, as he was before BD.

It may be the case that your H has nowhere else to go, especially at this time of year, where they typically like to touch base again, only for them to go back in their MLC tunnel in the New Year.

I know it’s almost impossible but please keep your expectations at zero, then you can’t be hurt (any more than you have been) if it happens all over again.

You are a prime example of letting the WAS go on their own journey, you are doing brilliantly.

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Can

He wants to come home

This is a place I have never been, so I cant advise

I am happy for you though that you get this opportunity and to see what happens

Please keep us posted


married 14 years
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Canbird - we all come at this from different angles depending on what kind of MLCer we had. I had a rare type, a live - in who stayed in house for 4 years post BD. He moved downstairs and recreated a teenage bedroom for himself and lived like a rebellious 17 year old. It was quite something to behold.

So, from my vantage point, based on what I saw of an MLCer, I can tell you they are mighty conflicted and confused. They go through jags of peeking out and seeming to have clear thoughts. They even recognize something is wrong in these moments! And so we believe they are on the mend. But then they slip back into the depressive/foggy thinking. They do tend to peek out more at holidays.

It is good that he reached out to you. However, if this is MLC, I am afraid what Westo writes is very accurate. There is an underlying issue there that cannot be remedied quickly.

But, no matter what, if you are standing for your marriage, this is a time to show him you are a safe place for him to land; to treat him with kindness.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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CanBird Offline OP
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Thank you PeaceToday. Not sure what's in store. I'm an optimist at heart, but I'm not naive. Proceeding as usual at this point.

Thank you Westo & HaWho. I have no clue what my Hs MLChallange will bring. I've got ZERO expectations. H is one of my best friends, and is hurting. I'm here to listen.

He's still away at sea/work/remote location, but says he'll be done soon, and has asked, "Can I come home? Do you want me to come home?" My reply was, "Yes, of course you can. It's your home too. D3 misses you." (something like that..lol). I haven't been given any other information at this point. He's in the perfect place to bolt if he wants too. If he needs more time away, I hope he takes it. He is free to go as he pleases and has my blessings. I'm surprised he's asked to come home. He's very well traveled, has the means to go anywhere and will have months off from work (it's seasonal) to have all this freedom. Maybe he'll see D3 for a bit & then bolt? I don't know. ZERO expectations from me. I'm here to listen.

Moving forward, if he does come home (actions speak louder than words) I am his friend. I always will be no matter what. I'm usually the talker in the relationship, the hugger, the one who says I LOVE YOU, the one that is silly (tries to find humor in any situation). So, I will be taking a different approach. A 180'? Sort of, I guess. Will definitely be kind going into this, I always have, that's who I am. BUT not a doormat. THAT will not happen, I will speak up if needed. WE need to communicate. He'll need to take the lead going into this, if that's what he wants. I want us to get over this rough patch. (That's what I'm calling it). I'm an optimist. My biggest hope is that he gets the help he needs. I'll be okay no matter what. I'm in control of what I do & how I react. D3 is in control of herself, I'm just her guide. And with H, I'm a friend who just happens to be a therapist too. (not really, but that is one hats that I will be wearing when needed)


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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Nothing is 100% as of yet. Actions speak louder than words. I'm repeating myself, if you've been following along. But in the meantime, I'm doing a few things to prepare for HH (H homecoming):

1. How will I act/react. See post above (homework; a friend)
2. Act as if: Clean the house, make everything presentable, including myself! That's what I would normally do.
3. Be The Best Me I Can Be: This should be first, but part of this is doing the other stuff..lol.. disorganization drives me batty! I've been treating myself to things like doing my hair, massage, pedi... etc etc... I plan on putting the best version of me out there.

4. Do more than I usually do: Cook. I eat to survive, not for fun. I can read, but I don't like cooking. But I plan on making a dish that H really likes.

Any thoughts on this? OH! I'm reading this relationship course/book too. Hopefully that will give me some/us some tips on how to move forward. NOT RUSHING things of course. I just want to be prepared, if the moment is right.

And what if the moment is right? YIKES! I really want to be physical with H, but of course don't know what he's been up to when not at work (although he's been 99.9% on a boat in water for 7 months). I will be cautious. Yes, I might give in. I have needs too! It doesn't change the situation, it's scratching an itch. Maybe we can just take baby steps if that's where we're at.

Any way my friends. I will keep posting whenever I can.

A smile is the best accessory. Find yours.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
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CanBird Offline OP
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Journal ~ Did somethings for myself today. Had a few hours after work, while D3 was in daycare. Then we had dinner out,ice cream & a movie at home. Tomorrow D3 has a drop-off play date, so I'll have a few hours to do as I please. Cleaning house more than likely..lol..

No news from anyone. I'm not asking any questions either. No anxiety. Feeling normal.

Sleepy. Long day.

Have a great weekend every one.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
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CanBird Offline OP
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Here we are. 7 months plus with H away at sea/work, and this week we'll see each other for the first time after BD.

I still don't when. I still don't know if he still plans on coming home, but he ask if he could come home, if I wanted him too & I said yes..(see above posts for more details).

This week we ALL have tickets to fly out Thanksgiving. I'm assuming H is aware he has a ticket. I've never brought it up to him or to FIL who purchased tickets.

I'm repeating a lot of things I've been posting; not much is new..lol.. Any way. Whatever happens happens. D3 and myself are my focus.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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