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That sounds rough, kas. I'm sorry you've had a few bad days. We're pulling for you.

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I'm screwing up and my boss wants to quit (unrelated to me). When WAH was supporting me (mental illness) I could have handled the stress of that (my bosses) job. In fact WAH was excited about the prospect because we'd double our income. We talked about it often which means his plan to leave me was a rash decision. I remember when he stopped talking about our retirement but I blew it off.

The evidence all points to 2-3 months but I doubted myself.

This likely explains why he hasn't filed for divorce yet.

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I've been thinking a lot about my struggles to be alone. When I first got here someone pointed out there was a difference in being alone and lonely. I am not lonely.

Being alone invokes this fear that I can't be okay unless I've got someone to take care of me. The irony is even when I have people taking care of me I'm only okay temporarily because no matter what I still have to be alone. Instead of looking inward learning to control my own emotions I can focus all my energy on the other person. It's a nice distraction but it solves absolutely nothing.

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I can't find a name for this. Victim mentality? Learned helplessness? What is it? Anyone know? At class they said fear of success but that's not it.

I think I can't be okay unless I'm basically enmeshed with someone else.

This isn't true of course I get that. I just want a name for it.

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Codependency

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Originally Posted by LH19
Codependency


Originally Posted by "Wikipedia entry on Codependency"
Codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.


Would that describe your marriage--you sought his help to survive, and he sought positive words or praise? You've said now you want to stop depending on men and to solve your own problems.



Last edited by CWarrior; 10/16/19 09:35 PM.
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Would that describe your marriage--you sought his help to survive, and he sought positive words or praise? You've said now you want to stop depending on men and to solve your own problems.


I am mentally ill. The actual symptoms (depression, irritability, mood swings, emotional detachment, etc) are gone now. (medication and IC). I've been symptom free for 7 months. He loved me and was a caretaker. He was okay with this role until he dug into my past and decided I had duped him. We were never the same after that.

Codependency isn't a mental illness so that part isn't fixed. I needed him and he needed to be needed (both of us were high achievers) I lost my ability to achieve once he took the support away. Life hit us hard and our house of cards collapsed.

I want to be independent, to have my own identity, to solve my own problems. I want to be a high achiever without needing someone to prop me up. I was looking for some sort of road map as to how in the heck to fix this. I'm thinking it's effort over a period of time. As long as I stay single while striving towards excellence and problem solving I'll get there eventually or am I missing something?

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kas99 Offline OP
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When did you give up on your M?

I need some tough love right now. I haven't heard from my attorney in a month (she's busy) and I don't have a separation agreement. I don't want to do this.

Fears:

1) 30% of his income might be protected from D. I'm afraid to face this reality when I'm not even unpacked yet.

2) This will push him to file for D.

Last edited by kas99; 10/17/19 06:26 PM.
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Like many others I post positive things he does that mean absolutely nothing. I've been completely dark for 3 months.

WAH told S19 that I could have his parents antique furniture as long I didn't get rid of it.

S19 told WAH my tire pressure was low and WAH insisted on fixing it (bought me a new tire).

I bought something. WAH told S19 that I should have used his employee discount (2nd job is at a big box store).

WAH used to bring me happies from work (kids don't use). S19 brought me one home last night from WAH.

S19 saw WAH drive by my house.

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Originally Posted by kas99
When did you give up on your M?


I never gave up on it, just eventually came to realize I was clinging to something that no longer existed! It took over a year to figure that out, and another year to finally push for D myself.

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1) 30% of his income might be protected from D. I'm afraid to face this reality when I'm not even unpacked yet.


I can't imagine you'll end up getting less support than now though, right? So you really have nothing to lose, but potentially you could have a little or a lot to gain.

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2) This will push him to file for D.


How so? You might end up in a situation where YOU have to push D through to get the extra support, but I don't see how you talking to a L would impact whether he bothers with it or not.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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