Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4

[DS9]

Sounds like you're charging ahead Dan - nice job mate.

What shoes did you get mate? I suppose next you'll be telling us about the new yoga pants and Birkenstocks you bought haha!

Have you overhauled your wardrobe yet?

Cheers, DS

[DaB35]

Hi DS

Got some brown Dune brogues (very soft and comfy), new Italian-made black shoes (for gigs), and dark brown boots (for a change to wear at work and also going out). I may need some insoles for the black ones - I'm basically in-between an 8.5 and 9 so it's always hard finding the right size and a bit of pot luck frankly! I also bought some dark blue brogues last night for £40 (reduced from £150)- the shop had the last pair of size 9s and I loved the colour so thought, why not?!

I have bought lots of new clothes yes. Mainly shirts, sweatshirts and trousers. Have asked for a few nice jumpers for Xmas from my family. The reduction in costs elsewhere has allowed me to update my wardrobe gradually over the last few months. Think this is another reason why people seem to think I look better; standing more confidently, walking with purpose rather than looking timid, talking a bit slower and contributing more to conversations.

I'm trying to validate with work colleagues when appropriate, when they talk about non-work stuff like family issues etc. It really helps with the whole brain re-wiring thing.

GAL for today - haircut, meeting best mate after work for dinner, then gym.

Tomorrow I need to head up to the house to pick up some instruments for a gig this weekend (and a very well paid one at that). Been looking into hiring a little van for gigs then I could downsize to a smaller car to save money.

Wow, my W is sure missing out!

[DS9]

Hey Dan good stuff. A man in brogues is amoafwl!

Shirts are good- slim fit without breast pockets are the best. Everything needs to be slim fit trust me women notice. Sweater needs to be v neck fine knit. Check out shaw and Smith cronke boots and get these or very similar. I’ve had women admire these shoes. Don’t be shy to ask women in store what they think when you try something on. Google colour matching clothes

What sort of musician are you? I remember you mentioned the damned a while ago I really like them too

Smash those castanets! Enjoy the gym and get pumped Dan!

[DaB35]

I am classically trained - I play piano, percussion (not just castanets haha, basically anything you'd find in an orchestra!) and cello, plus a bit of drumkit. I play in lots of semi-pro orchestras near where I live. I'm also a composer. However I'm in an office job by day (better pay!).

I love lots of types of music. My fave bands are The Police, Madness and Aqualung. I like Toto, Killing Joke, The Jam, Genesis, Yes, lots of 80s music, funk and certain types of jazz, film soundtracks, even bits of folk, etc. I've only just got into The Damned - previously I only was aware of one song by them (Eloise).

Yes I have started buying slim fit shirts. I have a few V-cashmere jumpers already.

Just slowly upping the weights at the gym. Obviously not rushing - don't want to hurt myself lol - but doing it very gradually, or just adding one or two extra reps in the 3rd set instead makes a difference. I'm not interested in body building or anything. Just want to look a bit stronger and in turn that'll help me with confidence and how I carry myself. Only after 3-4 weeks I'm feeling the changes.

[DS9]

Oh nice classic music is soothing.

Love madness too. Buzzcocks, stiff little fingers, magazine, the jam etc

Yeah up the weights slowly and incrementally. I use and like dumbbells started at 7.5kg each now on 17 kg and aiming for 20kg in the next month or so. I find weight training and walking really energise me

[DaB35]

Yes I'm doing well with the "abs crunch" machine. Started at 20kg on 2x10 reps and now at 35kg doing 2x15 reps.
Shoulder press is better - can now do 10kg on 3x12. Can just about do 2km on the rowing machine in 10mins at present, and upped weight from 20kg to 30kg on another machine this week. Going several times a week helps too!

I like loud classical music - Mozart leaves me rather cold lol - I like stuff from the first part of the 20th Century. More for the percussion to do!

I know what you mean - I feel energised and a more clear-headed after a gym session.

[DaB35]

Had a nice dinner with my best mate. Talked about a house he wants to build mainly.

He asked how I was and I said I was doing well; talked about work, gym, being closer to my family etc. He then said he met up with W last week as he was working near our house. He told me she is still in a bad place. She's still angry, and has been having some mental health troubles (bear in mind I did suggest she get IC months ago, but she refused). He said he helped her out regarding certain things (presumably financial stuff that I'd otherwise take care of).

I had a confliction of emotions on learning this.
I felt guilty; whilst I'm GALing and 180ing and smashing IC, I wanted to find her and make her feel better and help her out.
I felt somewhat indifferent; I thought "it's her decision to do this, not mine. She has to live with that decision. I wanted to R and do MC. Only she wanted D."
I felt worried; is he going to tell her "yeah he's absolutely fine and he seems totally over you." ?
I felt sad and pitiful; thinking of her struggling.

Difficult certainly.

I need to text her tomorrow to turn the alarm off as I have to collect stuff from the garage. Do I need to ask her how she's doing at all - would that be considered pursuing, or only if I said certain things?


I'm going to the gym now to clear my mind and then relax tonight when I get back.

[DS9]

Nah mate, don't ask her about anything. This is pursuit, plus if you're suddenly concenred she may think your mate dobbed on her with you.

It's like that saying 'dont ask, dont tell'. That's your mantra.

[DaB35]

OK DS, I suspected that would be the answer.

I'm not denying or downplaying my responsibility in all of this; I really hurt her and betrayed her. I can see how she would still be reeling from it and find it hard to live alone when we did so much together (hence the house sale). However, I've owned my mistakes, got professional help, and am sorting myself out and improving myself.

This is why I feel conflicted. I want to help her out, of course. But I know she won't respond to that well if I did offer, so I've kept quiet on it and will continue to do so. I just don't like the thought of her alone in our big 4-bed house, struggling and feeling down because of what I did.

I really want her to know I've improved so much as a person these last 5 months. Whether that affects how she feels about me or not, it would be good for her to see that surely? I realise that after all my GAL activity recently, this presents me in a more needy state.

My mate is sometimes not the best person to talk to about this - he is divorced (was not an amicable one plus he has a very young daughter) but is rather negative about the whole thing. Not sure if he's projecting some of that lingering frustration onto me. Anyway, he's in a new R and happy.

He was saying to me "The old R is dead. As much as you may not like it, you have to accept that she may not want you in her life at all." For some reason I didn't ask if she had said that - certainly would be a change from her constantly saying to me that she still wants to remain friends after all this. Of course I can't ask her.


One positive thing he said is, "At least now, you know what you don't want or won't put up with anymore." This is very true.

[AnotherStander]

I felt guilty; whilst I'm GALing and 180ing and smashing IC, I wanted to find her and make her feel better and help her out.

I absolutely get where you are coming from, I remember having those feelings too. But here's the thing- she doesn't want your help. What she wants more than anything else is "not you". She doesn't want to see you, chat with you, get help from you, be on the same planet as you. That can and will change with time, but for right now that's where she's at and you need to respect that. So no need to feel guilty, you not helping her is actually exactly what she wants right now.

I felt somewhat indifferent; I thought "it's her decision to do this, not mine. She has to live with that decision. I wanted to R and do MC. Only she wanted D."

Yup.

I felt worried; is he going to tell her "yeah he's absolutely fine and he seems totally over you." ?

That is exactly what you want to portray to her. To get her back you first have to let her go. She'll never learn to miss you as long as she knows you're hanging on as Plan B.

I need to text her tomorrow to turn the alarm off as I have to collect stuff from the garage. Do I need to ask her how she's doing at all - would that be considered pursuing, or only if I said certain things?

I agree with DS, try to avoid that. It is a bit of pursuit behavior. Now if SHE initiates a conversation like that it's OK to listen. Just don't initiate yourself. When you initiate, stick to business.