[quote=CWarrior][quote="LH19"] She is going to be in for a wake up call when she sees our response.
This is why it is so important to not have expectations. In my sitch, whenever I thought I was dropping a bomb on her that would wake her up and get her to see what she was losing, she shrug it off like an elephant shrugs off an ant. I remember sitting her down and telling her that I was not interested in being in a marriage with someone that would be chatting with people online, and that my boundary was for her to agree to full transparency. Her response was "Okay, well I will get my resume done."
The exact opposite of the reaction I expected. The very next day, after she had spent the evening previous, and the next morning and afternoon working on her resume, of which I was completely supportive, she started having second thoughts. I happily answered her resume questions, gave suggestions and feedback, offered to buy any resume writing and interviewing books she would need. She came out of the office that evening, very emotionally, and started saying "what if I am not doing the right thing?" I said: You have to do what you need to in order to be happy. "Yeah but God hates divorce." I said: That's true, but he also hates sin, so if the best way for you to avoid sin moving forward is to get a D, then so be it.
I thought I dropped a dose of reality on her on Friday night. Nothing.
The dose of reality came when suddenly I was supporting her decision (to get a job, to get and apartment, to get a D).
MJ, I am not sure if I had this conversation with you or not, but when we as LBSs do what they WAS expects us to do, nothing usually changes. By time the WAS cheats, says they want D, BD's you, etc, they've already decided that their actions are going to hurt you. To upset you. To make you anxious. They expect us to be angry, sad, and to hold on for dear life.
When we do the exact opposite of that, when we are happy, content, and willing to let go, it makes them go "Hmmmm, what is going on here?!" It can be the seed that gets planted to make them question whether or not they really know what they are doing. But here is the kicker: it can't be fake. They will see through that and it won't work. Trying to manipulate your WAS into staying won't work. You have to genuinely find a place where you are happy, content and willing to let go. WASs can sniff out manipulation attempts like a bloodhound.
So guess what, she expects your response. She expects you to fight. She expects you to not go quietly into the night. Here is your goal: Find a way to be accommodating to a fault, but still protect yourself. Money is money. Don't get caught up in the drama of trying to fight with her over money. Go for what is most important, 50/50 with your kids. Most of the time WAWs use custody of the kids to try to squeeze every drop of support out of the LBH. So don't make it about that. Go for 50/50 custody AND accommodate her with support. Try to avoid the temptations of fighting over material things, because they are not worth it.
I appreciate the input. You make good points. For the most part in my response to her I’m not arguing with her about much. Basically disagreements on child coverage. I want 50/50 and support for her because of her income.
I’m basically to a point where I’m sick of the bs and the lying. I think that more then anything is helping me to detach. I’m not there yet but I’m working on it.
It really bothers her when I GAL. She said I was being inconsiderate and when I didn’t tell where I was going. She said she always tells me where she is going. While that is true a lot of the time it’s a lie. The other thing she was on my case about was telling her when I’m on my way home. Her reason was because the kids were asking.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
[quote=CWarrior][quote="LH19"] She is going to be in for a wake up call when she sees our response.
This is why it is so important to not have expectations. In my sitch, whenever I thought I was dropping a bomb on her that would wake her up and get her to see what she was losing, she shrug it off like an elephant shrugs off an ant. I remember sitting her down and telling her that I was not interested in being in a marriage with someone that would be chatting with people online, and that my boundary was for her to agree to full transparency. Her response was "Okay, well I will get my resume done."
The exact opposite of the reaction I expected. The very next day, after she had spent the evening previous, and the next morning and afternoon working on her resume, of which I was completely supportive, she started having second thoughts. I happily answered her resume questions, gave suggestions and feedback, offered to buy any resume writing and interviewing books she would need. She came out of the office that evening, very emotionally, and started saying "what if I am not doing the right thing?" I said: You have to do what you need to in order to be happy. "Yeah but God hates divorce." I said: That's true, but he also hates sin, so if the best way for you to avoid sin moving forward is to get a D, then so be it.
I thought I dropped a dose of reality on her on Friday night. Nothing.
The dose of reality came when suddenly I was supporting her decision (to get a job, to get and apartment, to get a D).
MJ, I am not sure if I had this conversation with you or not, but when we as LBSs do what they WAS expects us to do, nothing usually changes. By time the WAS cheats, says they want D, BD's you, etc, they've already decided that their actions are going to hurt you. To upset you. To make you anxious. They expect us to be angry, sad, and to hold on for dear life.
When we do the exact opposite of that, when we are happy, content, and willing to let go, it makes them go "Hmmmm, what is going on here?!" It can be the seed that gets planted to make them question whether or not they really know what they are doing. But here is the kicker: it can't be fake. They will see through that and it won't work. Trying to manipulate your WAS into staying won't work. You have to genuinely find a place where you are happy, content and willing to let go. WASs can sniff out manipulation attempts like a bloodhound.
So guess what, she expects your response. She expects you to fight. She expects you to not go quietly into the night. Here is your goal: Find a way to be accommodating to a fault, but still protect yourself. Money is money. Don't get caught up in the drama of trying to fight with her over money. Go for what is most important, 50/50 with your kids. Most of the time WAWs use custody of the kids to try to squeeze every drop of support out of the LBH. So don't make it about that. Go for 50/50 custody AND accommodate her with support. Try to avoid the temptations of fighting over material things, because they are not worth it.
I appreciate the input. You make good points. For the most part in my response to her I’m not arguing with her about much. Basically disagreements on child coverage. I want 50/50 and support for her because of her income.
I’m basically to a point where I’m sick of the bs and the lying. I think that more then anything is helping me to detach. I’m not there yet but I’m working on it.
It really bothers her when I GAL. She said I was being inconsiderate and when I didn’t tell where I was going. She said she always tells me where she is going. While that is true a lot of the time it’s a lie. The other thing she was on my case about was telling her when I’m on my way home. Her reason was because the kids were asking.
Yep, believe nothing she says. She wants to know when you are on your way home so that she can make sure she is "ready". IE she is not at the neighbor's, or the neighbor is not there. I wouldn't tell her a thing. If continues to push it, simply say "We are getting a D, it doesn't matter where I am, or when I come home."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
[quote=CWarrior][quote="LH19"] She is going to be in for a wake up call when she sees our response.
This is why it is so important to not have expectations. In my sitch, whenever I thought I was dropping a bomb on her that would wake her up and get her to see what she was losing, she shrug it off like an elephant shrugs off an ant. I remember sitting her down and telling her that I was not interested in being in a marriage with someone that would be chatting with people online, and that my boundary was for her to agree to full transparency. Her response was "Okay, well I will get my resume done."
The exact opposite of the reaction I expected. The very next day, after she had spent the evening previous, and the next morning and afternoon working on her resume, of which I was completely supportive, she started having second thoughts. I happily answered her resume questions, gave suggestions and feedback, offered to buy any resume writing and interviewing books she would need. She came out of the office that evening, very emotionally, and started saying "what if I am not doing the right thing?" I said: You have to do what you need to in order to be happy. "Yeah but God hates divorce." I said: That's true, but he also hates sin, so if the best way for you to avoid sin moving forward is to get a D, then so be it.
I thought I dropped a dose of reality on her on Friday night. Nothing.
The dose of reality came when suddenly I was supporting her decision (to get a job, to get and apartment, to get a D).
MJ, I am not sure if I had this conversation with you or not, but when we as LBSs do what they WAS expects us to do, nothing usually changes. By time the WAS cheats, says they want D, BD's you, etc, they've already decided that their actions are going to hurt you. To upset you. To make you anxious. They expect us to be angry, sad, and to hold on for dear life.
When we do the exact opposite of that, when we are happy, content, and willing to let go, it makes them go "Hmmmm, what is going on here?!" It can be the seed that gets planted to make them question whether or not they really know what they are doing. But here is the kicker: it can't be fake. They will see through that and it won't work. Trying to manipulate your WAS into staying won't work. You have to genuinely find a place where you are happy, content and willing to let go. WASs can sniff out manipulation attempts like a bloodhound.
So guess what, she expects your response. She expects you to fight. She expects you to not go quietly into the night. Here is your goal: Find a way to be accommodating to a fault, but still protect yourself. Money is money. Don't get caught up in the drama of trying to fight with her over money. Go for what is most important, 50/50 with your kids. Most of the time WAWs use custody of the kids to try to squeeze every drop of support out of the LBH. So don't make it about that. Go for 50/50 custody AND accommodate her with support. Try to avoid the temptations of fighting over material things, because they are not worth it.
I appreciate the input. You make good points. For the most part in my response to her I’m not arguing with her about much. Basically disagreements on child coverage. I want 50/50 and support for her because of her income.
I’m basically to a point where I’m sick of the bs and the lying. I think that more then anything is helping me to detach. I’m not there yet but I’m working on it.
It really bothers her when I GAL. She said I was being inconsiderate and when I didn’t tell where I was going. She said she always tells me where she is going. While that is true a lot of the time it’s a lie. The other thing she was on my case about was telling her when I’m on my way home. Her reason was because the kids were asking.
Yep, believe nothing she says. She wants to know when you are on your way home so that she can make sure she is "ready". IE she is not at the neighbor's, or the neighbor is not there. I wouldn't tell her a thing. If continues to push it, simply say "We are getting a D, it doesn't matter where I am, or when I come home."
I understand what your saying. Even long before she stepped out she always liked to know if I was on my way. She said when I wasn’t telling her the last few weeks that I was being inconsiderate and doing a bad job communicating with her. But I’m guessing that is a lie.
She has also been quiet on the texting front as well this week.
Last edited by MJ1980; 10/09/1903:43 PM.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
So she hugged me this evening. While hugging me said she was having a hard day. It happened quickly and didn’t have time to process. Is this something I should of said no to?
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
No big deal one way or another. At this time you should be treating her like boarder you would rent a room in your house. Would you hug a boarder? Probably not right?
No big deal one way or another. At this time you should be treating her like boarder you would rent a room in your house. Would you hug a boarder? Probably not right?
I could make a bad joke here but I’m not going to. No I would not. Also the kids were right there too. Looking back it probably would of been tough for them to understand why I didn’t Hug their mom. They are quite young.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
So today my wife and I had to go to parent teacher conferences. She was a little snippy and kind of ok. Not anywhere near how she was acting yesterday which was kind. After the conference we had to stop at the store. She was back into the mindset of everything is wrong. So it is what it is.
I told her that I was moving forward with the renovation. She was surprised, tried to hide and was supportive of it. She validated what I was saying and I noticed it. She had hoped I would refi again to try and get cash. But after the home renovation refi the equity isn’t ther anymore. I also talked with her about the amount of time or lack of time she has been spending with the kids and how they would benefit with sleeping with her a night or two a week. They currently sleep in my bed. She said she would think about. Before she went WW there was nothing to think about. She has been spending quite a bit less time with the kids since the BD.
I have some GAL going on this weekend. Going at atving. Wife said she would watch the kids.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
