Today we are supposed to continue the counseling discussion from the other day as I told her I need to think about it over the weekend. She pressed me for a date on it. She has made comments about me being passive aggressive with the way I handled things with the lawyer and a few other things. I need to respond to her filing paper work so I was planning to be upfront with her and tell her that I will be requesting 50/50 with custody of the kids and that I plan to keep the house and move forward with the renovation plans. Basically to let her know I’m not rolling over and that I’m moving on with life weather or not she is there. Plus the added benefit to this is the home front stays consistent for the kids, we live in a safe neighborhood with good schools. Also the mortgage is affordable for me but not something she could afford. Also she signed herself off the mortgage a few weeks before the BD because her credit wasn’t good and effecting are rate. We currently are back at square one from a equity stand point since it was a how equity renovation loan. We have made one payment so far. Refinancing again will erase any equit that would of been regained because of closing costs. So it makes no sense not to proceed.
So with GAL does doing projects in the garage count/ on the house. Or am I too present with that. One of her complaints was that I would prioritize hobbies and projects over her/family. So I’ve been sticking to moderation on that kind of stuff especially when came to projects in the garage. I was a bit of a workaholic at times. This is something I moved away from after the kids were born but I still had a tendency to go over board with things.
Last edited by MJ1980; 10/07/1905:51 PM.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
I need to respond to her filing paper work so I was planning to be upfront with her and tell her..
Why? I mean, why bring up divorce again (assuming it's not what you want) and tell her your strategy, rather than wait until it's actually happening and you two are sitting at the negotiating table?
If you feel a need to state your strategy, I'd do so without arguing them.
I don’t want to divorce. But she keeps telling me I’m being passive aggressive towards Her. She did so with the whole retainer thing. I made it clear In Our previous conversation that I wanted 50/50. But something tells me that she will try and twist it around into me attacking her. Same with the house. I looked into refinancing again but it’s not something feasible from a financial standpoint. Granted I rather her not be surprised she contractors show up and begin working on things when she was under the impression we would try and pay the loan down and refinance and have that turn into another issue of hers.
I guess I trying to figure out the best course of action here. I want to save my marriage and I have seen some little changes in her since the BD. But I’m still in limbo. Which I can do limbo, I just feel like since she filed so quickly like a clock is ticking. I know this is marathon and time is big thing, that this won’t be over night. I’m trying to detach and let go but it’s hard. I feel like with the filing that the clock is ticking.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
I don’t want to divorce. But she keeps telling me I’m being passive aggressive towards Her. She did so with the whole retainer thing. I made it clear In Our previous conversation that I wanted 50/50. But something tells me that she will try and twist it around into me attacking her.
She can say anything, regardless of what you do. I think I see your concern, though. You don't want to seem to say one thing while doing another--e.g., to say "I accept your apology for breaking my window" and then file a police report? You don't actually want to be passive-aggressive, maybe?! Since you already declared your intentions once, and she heard you (based on how enraged she became), would sending her an FYI the day you take court action be enough for your conscience, or do you need to re-hash this?
I don’t want to rehash this. If I said it once that should be enough in terms to 50/50.
As for continuing the renovation I haven’t told her that is my plan at this point. I feel like it’s a conversation I should have. But at the same time i feel like when she decided to leave the marriage she basically said I don’t care about the plans I made with you for the future. I’m torn on what is the best way to proceed. She really threw the passive aggressive thing in my face. It bothered me because it want my intention. I thought I had made it clear This is what was happening. Yet somehow it was turned around on me as being mean essentially.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
I don’t want to divorce. But she keeps telling me I’m being passive aggressive towards Her. She did so with the whole retainer thing. I made it clear In Our previous conversation that I wanted 50/50. But something tells me that she will try and twist it around into me attacking her. Same with the house.
She absolutely will MJ. You standing up for your rights while also giving her time and space DOES look passive/aggressive to her. Right? I mean you can see why she would say that. BUT, that doesn't mean it's wrong. It IS the right thing for you to do. Give her time and space, but if your back is against the wall and she's trying to ram a big fat "divorce sandwich" down your throat then make it clear to her that you ARE going to stand up for your FULL rights in the matter.
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I just feel like since she filed so quickly like a clock is ticking. I know this is marathon and time is big thing, that this won’t be over night. I’m trying to detach and let go but it’s hard. I feel like with the filing that the clock is ticking.
Divorce isn't the end, at least not spiritually. BD was the spiritual end of the M. Divorce is just a paperwork formality. Neither BD or D means you want have an R together in the future, that opportunity may very well present itself some day.
I had some good opportunities to work on validating last night. My wife was telling me about some behavioral issues with our oldest daughter. I listened and responded with things like that must’ve been difficult for you. That is a hard situation and you handled it the best you could.
Last night we finished our conversation about counseling. She told me that she wanted to work on our communication since we have a tendency to not make very much progress when we talk. She also told me that she is going into counseling with a open mind about our relationship. She said she is willing to explore the idea of staying together. She does not want to pause anything with divorce filings at this time. She specifically stated because it takes a long time in our county. I was fairly quiet during the conversation. I listened to what she said and responded With validating phrases.
When I told her My boundaries for counseling specifically relating to the OM and that all contact needed to cease And that I wanted her to message him with no contact message and to copy or screenshot it to me. She gave me an excuse and said that The affair was over and that messaging him would be weird and that he might start messaging her back. I don’t believe that it has ever ended at this time. I told her that it is difficult for me to move forward without Any type of actions to back up the words she is saying. There has been a lot of lying on her part but no positive actions to prove otherwise.
I’m entertaining the idea of going to at least one session and bringing the above point up. The counselor we agreed upon using is very pro marriage. I was surprised that she agreed to this counselor because that has not been something she wanted. The BD was 8/23. She went from nothing to do with the marriage to wanting to go to Counseling.
Thoughts.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
IMO she has zero intention on working on the marriage. Look at her actions. She won't put the D on hold because it takes a long time WTF??? Way to have a positive attitude. She's still in the affair. WW in affairs want a quick divorce.
If you want to show strength you stick to your boundary. If you cave now that shows weakness. I don't care if you have MWD herself you can not improve a m when your w is in an affair. You will just give her an excuse to say " see we tried everything and I just don't want to be married anymore".
I'm quite sure you will go and regret it like so many here have who have walked in your shoes but I feel a duty to give you my opinion on it. If you want a recent example of MC being a complete waste of time read "uchen's" thread.
I don't care if you have MWD herself you can not improve a m when your w is in an affair.
And MWD would say that herself!
MJ, we have a saying around here. "Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best." Sometimes the stuff has got to get real for the WW before they snap out of it. You should be DBing, but you should also be preparing for the inevitable. No one has ever stopped a D by not being prepared. Almost all of the turnarounds occur AFTER the LBS accepts the D, embraces it, and is ready to move on from it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
