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Adam04 Offline OP
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H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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Adam04 Offline OP
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Since last update I had been giving W and I some space. It seems like she hasn’t been receptive to this and has been hot and cold. She’s not mean or disrespectful but the intimacy has died down and she said something was bothering her but didn’t know what. She said she was tired of us arguing or bickering and wants a reset. I do too.

Last weekend instead of going with her to the reception for her friend prior to that I suggested if she wanted to go with her boss to have a girls night and then later she could meet me back in town and we have our time to party. So last week she agreed. Went out and celebrated her friend’s wedding with her boss. They got back to town later that night and my wife met me up and we spent time together all night. We had a good time partying all night to early in the morning. Crashed and went to a baseball game the next day.

I thought everything was getting better but that night talking she said she wasn’t happy when we argued. I felt like I failed at validating, I also wondered if this was part of some grander scheme of her exit. I thought it was the talk from a few Thursday’s ago. Thought we had talked that through.

Now I need help here. Prior to getting a hotel room for this past Saturday night, she was looking for rooms when I was doing something and I told her I was going to look into it. She said she didn’t mind because she usually is the one shopping online for deals when we go on vacation. She got two places and we talked about it. I chose a room at the Marriott which I didn’t know was at the Marriott at that time. Chose the better of the two rooms. and she said she could check the discounts but she said the password to her marriott app was at work. She said she couldn’t log into Citrix from the iPad and didn’t have her laptop. She asked me if I wanted to make a account for the discount then did she was able to check and it was like a 16.00 saving so I just got the room as a guest and sent the reservation to my email. The thing that bothers me is how it felt like a secret of why her password would be at work.

I haven’t confronted or asked for this password because I’m not sure how to go about it. Forget it? Could be nothing or ask? Could there be more I should be trying to look into and why ?

So besides that, yesterday I figured out what could still cause my wife to be in her funk. Maybe it was two weeks ago after she said she was still mad about our convo of her going out to be a friend to her boss in a time or need, one night I left and said I needed space because we had a party and we all were drinking. Her family was over. We went to bed and I couldn’t sleep. I said I was leaving and she said where and I said out. I went driving around that night to think about things like when she said some space would be good for us so I went to the apartment to sleep. She texted 3 times and I later went home around 5pm the next day. I didn’t respond to her texts asking me how I was.

So going back to yesterday, I brought this up and asked if this was why she was still upset and I think i hit it on the nose she said I could have had the decency to let her know I was safe or here I wa out to. I told her she has the 360 app to see where I was. She said she doesn’t use it for me and I said that was one of the reasons we agreed to get it and that’s not my fault if she didn’t want to use it to see where I was because she could have. I admitted I was wrong to leaving the way I did and I apologized but I also said she was still angry so I didn’t feel like she deserved for me to do or say things to try and appease her. Told her if the shoe was on the other foot she would feel the same way and I said she has been like this before where some of her remarks come across as a double standard.

I am confused . She wants us to go back to a normal life and I told her I want a normal life but since she brought that guy into the fold the day she lied who she was out with, I don’t know how I am supposed to move forward with trust.

Told her I am going to get therapy to figure out my feeling to see what to do about us.

I am actively looking this week because I am strongly on the fence if I want to be with her. I have a long list that my insurance have in network. I am looking for gottman and other areas like anger management, family/ marriage, and some other specialties as well.

Time for work.

Currently reading/rereading what women want in a man. Open to other books. This feels like another limbo. Still trying to be patient and from the few Thursday’s ago Ive felt better that my happiness isn’t all wrapped up in her. If we don’t make it I will survive. I do sometimes struggle to be patient with her because signs from her I think should be there aren’t so I am not sure when I should expect certain things from her.

She did say this. If we both go thru counseling she can see us going to marriage counseling In the future.

Last edited by Adam04; 10/18/19 01:06 PM.

H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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Adam04 Offline OP
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Update.

Wanted to first say I spoke to a therapist and have my first session in a week. Gave her the run down of what’s happened in the last two years and she added that from my 25 years with W and this being our first reaching out for help that it was time. She said we had a good run but she is confident there are more years worth of digging into to get to addressing underlying issues. She is confident she has the tools to help me. One of the reasons why I chose her was that she had gottman listed and she had to tell me she wasn’t technically certified in the program. This was a bummer but I told her I would give it a few sessions to see if we gelled and then go from there. She sounded hopeful due to the support I had been getting here over the year. We discussed my anger, my wanting to be better for myself no matter how this goes down. She also shared a good interest in me as the man leading and being the example for my two boys. Although I initially thought the better approach was to go into couples therapy to find better ways to communicate and find tools to help our marriage, I see that I am not always right and maybe I was coming from a place of having expectations and this is in some way a form of control. While couples therapy is on the table, I know I have much work to do and I feel now during my state of confusion, it’s time. It’s ironic that I remember some nights at the apartment, I had sound sleep. No issues sleeping. Then some nights here next to W I have problems sleeping like things are on my mind. I remember times when we both were unhappy and stuck. This reminds me of that. This time around we’re taking baby steps to try and get unstuck.

I tried to type this out yesterday before work but I didn’t have enough time. I think about things and have those moments of clarity and feel like they’d be great things to share and then life jumps in the way and those moments are gone. There was so much more I wanted to say but it’s been over the course of 3 days when I started this during some of my free time to now. To think months ago it felt like I had all the free time in the world. This is one important thing I would stress is to use your time wisely. Last year my kids were in a district with no homework and I had time after work. This year it’s homework, school events, private lessons, church school, etc. Then Gal comes in different forms. I split my time between wife and kids and make an effort to make time for myself, whether it’s out driving around checking out new places around here to being alone. My GAL really is being a big part of my boys lives right now.

I chose a female therapist to purposefully get help from someone who can also help me see things from a woman’s perspective.

W and I are back on the upswing, and she has started to say I love you again as we had been getting back to being intimate on a more frequent basis. I noticed two times not too long ago when she flared up over something trivial I kept my cool. She later corrected herself. Example was parking. She got riled up about me not finding a closer spot to the store when there were no empty parking spots so I found one aways and parked there. It was a small walk to the store, we got our items and went back the car. She later admitted the spot wasn’t far and had this sheepish look. I didn’t add any praise, insult, or recognition to it.

I felt like something changed from a few weeks ago, I’m a little bit more in control and it’s because I started to journal to let out my feelings and not express them to my W. It’s been helping us tremendously. I still debate whether I want to spill my guts to my W and how important that is while knowing that I can learn how to better go about it. Like there’s a right way and wrong way or better ways to express myself and sometimes things that I should let rest for both our sake. It goes back to being centered and the emotional control. Definitely will work on this through IC.

My best buddy from childhood lives a lot closer to me, about 15 minutes drive so I visit him more often. It’s good to chop it up with him and the other men from his neighborhood. They all congregate to his house because he likes to host and throw parties. Really likeable guy.

Always, thank you for the support here. Will try to keep updating when I have time.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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Hey Adam, glad to hear things are doing better! Sounds like a good plan with the new counselor!

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She later corrected herself. Example was parking. She got riled up about me not finding a closer spot to the store when there were no empty parking spots so I found one aways and parked there. It was a small walk to the store, we got our items and went back the car. She later admitted the spot wasn’t far and had this sheepish look. I didn’t add any praise, insult, or recognition to it.


Actually I think some praise would have been appropriate, something like "thank you, I appreciate you acknowledging that". Michele says something like "applaud the 1%" in one of her books, meaning if they say or do something nice even when being otherwise cranky then focus on that good act and encourage them for it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Adam04 Offline OP
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Updating.

Where to begin...

First, therapy has been going well. 2-3 hour sessions started weekly then is now every other week. Looks like I switched using this as a sounding board to more one on one with my therapist. I had a lot of anger issues and I’ve been working on identifying the sources and controlling my emotions better. I journal and I guess having some self awareness helps. Therapist says she sees a lot of progress and that it’s great I’ve been getting the help that I had been over this last year from the forum, videos, books, podcasts, and whatever I could find to understand my situation better.

My wife and I are having great months. Thanksgiving we took the kids to Vegas. Christmas was nice. And so was New Years. We had a small retreat to wine country with a couple close friends.

Apart from doing things and going places as a family or even as a couple with our date nights, we are reconnecting. We’re better at arguing, we have safe words, time outs, and discuss things like when it’s okay to have a heavy talk or not and we are able to table things for later when we have our time. I am better at not trying to force my thoughts on her via texts or bombard her when she is at work. Much of that has been a work in progress over the last year. I could go on and on but will spare you. Simple to say I did a lot of 180s from self care, being more financially responsible, being a better partner, helping around the house, with the kids, doing things with her (noticing her), not being on the computer for hours. It’s been over 8 months and I keep my computer at the apartment which I am getting rid of at end of lease. I haven’t gotten on that thing and find I have a lot of free time to split with the kids, to doing things around the house and cooking. Wife and I spend at least an hour together on weekdays together watching a show, to catching up, talking about things to just enjoying our time together. Gone are the days where I felt like something was off. She doesn’t hide or act weird with texts or social media.

I can tell my wife is back. Over the last few months she’s had some heart to heart conversations with me where I felt she was sincere and that she was sorry. She still denies any romantic envolvement with any person. She has brought up knowing what it felt like to have her family ripped apart and she never wants that to happen again. She had the house and the opportunity to fully break away, but she didn’t. I would like to think I gave her enough space to make her own decisions and we left that door open for each other.

We are in a good spot where we can discuss our therapy sessions with each other and talk about our feelings. Wife is on board for couples counseling. I believe she feels like she has the tools to help her communicate better. She has let it be known to me that in the past she felt awkward, like she didn’t have the know how to see an argument through but we have come a long way.

My wife and I send texts every day saying we love each other and to talk for a bit. We kiss and say bye in the mornings every day and night. We both use words of endearment and it’s been great for months. You can tell if something is off she starts holding back but if things are good she says baby this to baby that. I try not to ride the highs or the lows. I do enjoy the moments though and take opportunities when I can to fill the love bank with words of appreciation and acts of service.

I am also a better steward of money this year and that has a positive impact in our relationship. From planning trips to budgeting, it seems like a huge load off.

What has helped me to move on with my life is that I didn’t know any crazy details of what she was or was not doing so I can concentrate on moving forward rather than trying to recover from the past.

I’m enjoying my time with the kids. Currently taking both boys out on their bikes around the neighborhood. Teaching my older son how to cross busy streets.

Going to stop here. Wish everyone well. Thank you for your support.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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Adam - so so nice to hear from you and so glad that things are going well. There are so few sitch's here that R that it is heart warming when you read of one that is going well. I remember your sitch well so know exactly how far you've come, both in your internal healing and your R with W.

I think if I ever R'd I would want to close the chapter on the time apart also and start the relationship anew. I remember a line from a Beatles documentary where John left Yoko for a time and they referred to it as his 'lost weekend' (it was actually closer to 6 months). I liked that.

Anyway, I don't have much to add other than I wish you, your W and your kids well.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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It´s good to read things are improving Adam. The stream comes with up and down cycles. Get into the up ones and keep riding on them.

Time and patience.

Good!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Adam, good to hear from you. Don't ever forget to keep doing the things that have worked for you, it's a fight against human nature sometimes.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Great update Adam! Nice work on the piecing efforts, really well done by both of you!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Prayers said for you Adam! Keep up the great work.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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