Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

OwnIt, thank you so much for writing, and DnJ too. It means so much! I will respond when my head is a little clearer, you said a lot and I want to think about it and write back properly.

I came on here tonight actually to ask Job to send me a refresher about how to see the OW and the affair/remarriage, etc.

A few years ago, H started up about selling the house because he said he wanted to marry OW. It seems that now he is finally undertaking his plan. (He doesn't want to work, obviously, so that's how he can have money. I remember once finding her credit card info at our house, I guess he convinces all his women to pay for things.) D10 has been asking me so many questions and talking about H and OW and reporting all these inappropriate things they said/did (and also told me H gives her wine to drink when she is with him) and then my son found out about OW and we had to talk about it all together for a while, and so I am just consumed with this horrible feeling of dread and pain, stopped eating, etc. I felt like I healed so much this past year since H moved out, and her reappearance alongside now having to talk about it all the time with my kids has really knocked me over. I have that sick, can't-eat, endlessly nervous feeling I had after BD, as if I have learned nothing and not grown at all. (And having two terrible court dates this week is not helping!) I may be wrong, but I feel that if it were some other woman who came along now, I would not be that bothered by it. The fact that it is still her, that she and he finally succeeded in wrecking two families with his help, is really hurting me. I looked her up and saw that she worked at the same college he and I both worked at in 2014, when I had cancer. I never knew that before and didn't want to know. It is so horrifying to think that she is still around after all the time I spent on my knees asking God to send her back to her family, etc. I remember when I got that job at the college where he worked, I asked him if the OW was there as I needed to be prepared, and he told me no, that she was long-distance. A couple months later I discovered the cancer, had mastectomy and had to take time off from that college. All these things falling into place in my mind now are a whole new feeling of grief. I have those fantasies I had in the beginning of showing up at her workplace or finding her husband, etc.

I know it's crazy and a total regression! I need LBS love and a hand out of this pit!

I can't believe I have been on this journey for so long and this is such a setback for me, as if I am starting over.

I need a refresher course, Job and anyone else. I was looking at this post --

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

But I don't know how I could prevent my D from being around her as my H now brings her almost every time. D even asked if they could sometimes see each other without OW, and H said, "Why? Don't you like OW? Don't you like her?" My priest said the same thing, to keep my D away from her. But it doesn't seem I can.

XO from Regressing Gerda

[Gerda]

P.S. Last week I wrote on this thread that I don't really think of OW much, just that when the thought of her came, I did have those dark thoughts, but it wasn't that often. That was true. This that is happening now is a new regression to the way I was before, years ago after BD.

[Westo]

I’m so sorry to read what you are going through,

but to read that he is giving your daughter, at the age of ten, probably the most dangerous drug there is, is disgusting.

This, on its own, would stop me sending D to his house.

I have years of experience with alcohol (which I’ve stopped imbibing for months) and it’s time for people to be educated in the danger of giving it to children and thinking that because it’s a legal drug it’s ok.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

I’m sorry for what you are going through.

I will be brief this morning.

It is wonderful that your children are talking to you. Do listen and validate whatever and whenever they come to you. It is great that they feel so safe with you they can confide all their mixed up and dark emotions. You are doing very well.

This will undoubtedly cause some further clarity of past events. When explaining to our kids, our minds listen as well, and things move around and eventually click into place. This at first feels like a setback, and I’d like to assure you it is a step forward.

DnJ

[Gerda]

This will undoubtedly cause some further clarity of past events. When explaining to our kids, our minds listen as well, and things move around and eventually click into place. This at first feels like a setback, and I’d like to assure you it is a step forward.

DnJ

I am sure we all have to go to work and I have to go back to court again this morning! but you are going to have to come back and explain that one!

Westo, I couldn't agree more. But it seems that there is nothing I can do. The custody arrangement we have is already quite favorable to me, my L told me I couldn't do better even with a GAL. I have no money to hire one anyway. But I might hire one when all this is over.

[Grace21]

Gerda - my heart goes out to you,and I'm thinking of you this morning as you go to court.

It's wonderful your kids are talking, asking, and seeking. This will help you all heal.

I am very concerned about your statement that your H gives your D10 wine. I'll be blunt. This is child abuse, and you should consider how you can forbid your H from seeing her unsupervised. Sorry to put it like this, but this is serious.


I understand your feelings on the OW and the longevity of the relationship. I am struggling with that now. It seems clear to me that while we were in MC, even though he said he was no longer seeing her, he was. That means it's been on-going for upwards of 3 years (or longer). Now he lives with her. The random dalliances almost seem less hurtful somehow. *big, loud sigh*

I must remember that is all on him, not a reflection of me (although it's so hard not to believe that), and in spite of it, H is still miserable. And, even though I still don't want a D, I believe God's word tells me it's o.k.

I hold on to this, and I am praying it will help me live a truly fulfilling life going forward without constantly looking in the review mirror what was (or wasn't, as the case may be).

(((((Gerda))))

Grace

[Gerda]

Thank you everyone for checking in on me -- and yes, Grace, you know exactly how I feel, and yes, a dalliance would be far preferable. The domesticity is far more disgusting and hurtful.

Well, today I signed my life away to H. I was in that court room and everyone was screaming and the court attorney kept saying that she was going to order a trial because of all the fighting and H's L was dominating everything, and even though it's clear that everyone hates him, he was able to push everything H's way. I began to realize that my L was just not going to fight for me. So finally I said, "Fine, go to trial," and then they started up with the fact that H would be moving back in Nov 1, and at first I said, "OK, fine, great, the kids will love it," (sarcastically) and then I realized what lay ahead of me, all the fighting and motions filed and abusive e-mails and exposure to his evil ways to either keep him out or let him back in to force him back out, gambling on if he would want to now that he is stealing another man's wife openly. I realized that DnJ was right, my health was more important, and that this way would be horrible but at least it had an end in sight. So I agreed to the settlement.

I have to pay him $1250 a month til the house and our cabin (also a rental but very beloved and I use it when I can get there) are sold or he is bought out. This counts toward ED.
He does not have to pay his paltry child support of $500 a month, he gets to credit it towards ED until he gets his money from the house.
The 22K I paid him already does not count toward ED, only 5K of it does.
He gets to pick two brokers and I pick one of them and then he runs the entire process of selling and I have nothing t to do with it and he gets to do this til June. The only limit I was able to get was that they can't come when the kids are home and they can't interfere with my rentals but there will be a huge sign on my house and the kids have to walk past that for seven months not knowing if they will get to stay here. I have to match the offer he picks and he has until June to play the market. If no offer gets picked, he gets to reappraise the house at his own expense by same appraiser and I have to match that price, even if no offers came in that high.
I am allowed to buy him out of our cabin within 30 days but have to come up with the entire buyout, nothing I paid him so far can count toward the cabin buyout but only the big buyout of the house.

I kept protesting, but this makes no sense! He is not paying for anything! I am servicing all our debt and I don't even get money for child support! He refuses to work! And the court attorney just kept hissing at me, "You are enjoying his asset and keeping him away from it. Stop being intractable!" I think she believed the lies they kept telling about the income.

At one point, H was screaming that I was keeping everyone stuck in poverty for ten years, and that I had no right to try to hold on to a house I couldn't afford when I was hurting his children and he only cared about caring for his children and making sure they get fed! Even though he was openly refusing to work to pay the paltry $500 a month he is supposed to pay and his method of paying it is to sell their home!!! And his L said to him, You can get custody from her if she doesn't feed them.

And my L was pushing me, he kept saying, "The court is turning against you, they will force you to sell now with no chance for buy out!" But he never really managed to get me anything at all because H's L refused to bend on ANYTHING and the court did not care about my kids so my only option was to go to trial to try to get a little more fairness with no guarantee that I would!

IT WAS LIKE A FREAK SHOW OF ABSURD EVIL!!!!!

Now this is almost all disgusting and unfair and horrible. And it may mean that D10 will also no longer want to see H, so he has truly sold his children. (When I had to explain to her why the house would be put on the market instead of me trying to buy it out from H, because he wanted to try to see if he could get more money, she said, "I don't want to see him on Wednesday, I do not want to see him!" I told her that we would always have a good home no matter where we lived, we would have love and I would always make it cozy for her. But she was disgusted by H's greed, though she didn't know how to articulate that.)

But I traded it all for freedom from a trial. And now I am looking for a program to block e-mails and bounce them back so they won't even go to my spam. I can't block his calls/texts I guess because of visitation. But if anyone has any other ideas of how to block him as much as possible from being able to find me during the next seven months of him being the wicked king running the sale of my home (all a way to play the market to see how much more he can get than appraisal, though it may be that he gets less and then I still have to pay the appraisal!), please let me know.

Exhausted Gerda is in shock at the state of this world. No fault divorce allows all of this to happen. My story was never told, no one cared about the kids once custody was set, all they cared about was dividing the assets.

I guess it might be worth it to hire a GAL now because of the alcohol thing, etc., but I don't even know if it's worth it since she sees him so rarely.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

(((Hugs))) & Tea

I am sorry and happy for you.

You did everything you could, and H still is h3ll bent on his path. It appears from my vantage point that H had no plan on further negotiations and would drag this on indefinitely. Lord knows there is ample examples of that around here to suggest that is a standard script response from these lost soul MLCers.

I am so very proud of you.

Your health, your kids, YOU - are worth more than all your property and assets combined.

With this decision made, things are now just a puzzle - not a problem. You know all the financial implications, the best and worst cases, all what it would cost, etc.... You, my smart friend, can solve this - because it is now in your control.

I do have to run this morning, but had to stop in and let you know - You did great!

I will pop in later. Please breathe and believe you did the right thing for you. Feelings will stir over the next while, and they will wither.

Talk soon.

DnJ

[Grace21]

((((Gerda))))

It seems that way too often, evil wins here on this earth. So sorry. But, I see this is a way for you to be free to have the life that God is planning for you. That is a win for you. Hug on your kids and make that cozy home for them.

For now, though, take a breather, have that cup of tea DnJ offered you, and take one day at a time.

You will rise from these ashes. I know it.

Grace

[job]

Gerda,

I am so sorry that you've been through the h3ll and back this week. He literally has taken the control away from you, i.e., first the car, now your home and cabin and whatever else he can think of. I feel terrible for you. However, once things settle down a bit this weekend, you will be able to think clearly and come to realize that if all of this should come to pass, you will finally be free of some of the financial burden you have been dealing with.

I have a question that has been on my mind for quite some time...what is the reason that your h can't work a full time job? Is it a health issue or he just doesn't want to work? If it's because he doesn't want to work, I'm surprised that the court didn't tell him to get a full time job. As for the child support, I'm absolutely shocked that the court didn't opt to have it taken from the support money that you are paying him.

As for the home and cabin, I know you love the places, but they have been a ball and chain around your neck for quite some time. Once you have had time to breathe and just sit for a bit, think about where you want to move to and start looking. It doesn't hurt to start planning now because your properties may sell quicker than you think.

These MLCers have to tear everything down to the foundation in order to rebuild their lives. They do not care about anyone else but themselves. It is unfortunate when the LBS and children are caught in the cross fire and the MLCer is so vindictive/angry and wants to control everything...right down to making us feel like they want to destroy us. But...in true fashion, the people they truly want to strike out at, but can't/won't, are the people who stunted them emotionally many, many years ago.

Gerda, you will rise above all of this mess in time. Right now, everything looks dark and bleak...but I can assure you, as each day passes, things will become more clearer and you will find a way to get to the other side. I know, I've been there myself. Now, take the time to truly breathe!