Hi everyone, I've been following these threads for some time now and finally am ready to post. My H and I have been together for 16 years, married 12, with a D7 and a D9. Once we had D7, our sex life dropped off significantly (I was the one with the lower sex drive), which was a source of a lot of frustration for him. Eventually, we started arguing more and more-- he'd be mean, I'd hold a grudge-- and our intimacy dwindled to the point where most of our conversations were just about logistics, the kids, politics-- not much about our relationship or how we were feeling about each other. We'd take short mini-breaks without the kids and have fun, romantic times, but once we got home it would be back to business as usual.
About two years ago, he started this process of feeling like I really wasn't attracted to him and that is why we weren't having sex and stopped initiating. (He didn’t tell this to me, just stopped to see if I would initiate… which I mostly didn’t.) After about six months of very infrequent sex, he told me he felt I wasn't attracted to him sexually and he didn't want to have sex anymore, that I broke him sexually. We were also arguing a lot and so decided to enter into MC about a year ago. At this point I really felt like most of our problems stemmed from him-- he has some anger management issues and would get pretty mean in arguments about stupid things, whereas I felt like we should be kinder to each other, though in retrospect I was just as culpable as he was. In addition, I think he was/is having some MLC issues, feeling like we had worked so hard to get where we are, now what; work started to taper off (he has his own business); started to question his religion; relationship with father started to deteriorate; etc. He turned 40 this year.
We were in MC for about six months, the first five months probably being us venting all our issues and relitigating fights in front of the MC. We read the love languages book and found that his primary love language was touch while that was much lower on my list; mine was acts of service (which he immediately started to do more of and has continued throughout this entire situation, interestingly enough— one of my major complaints was that he didn’t help out enough around the house and with the kids, and he is now at 50% or more with cooking, grocery shopping, carting around kids, etc.).
We ended up going away for a long weekend about seven months ago during which we had a lot of heart to hearts and tears and I ended up really coming to some realizations about how much I hurt him by withholding sex, and that I also had significant responsibility in our problems (previously I'd really been blaming him). This was a huge wake up call for me, but not so much for him-- throughout the time with our MC he was unable to commit to a shared end goal of a better marriage, but instead felt like our intimacy (emotional/physical) was gone and could never come back, and he was starting to talk more and more about other options (like moving to the basement or D, but this fantasy version of D where we would still be best friends and co-parent, he’d mow the lawn and still do all the things around the house he used to, we’d just live separately). A little after this I got the ILBYINILWY BD.
I did everything wrong-- tons of relationship talks, crying, me trying to convince him logically to keep trying, used the kids as a weapon, etc. I then read DB and started the process about five months ago. We stopped seeing the MC around this time because he really felt like she was on "my side" and I didn't think she was all that helpful if he wasn't committed/didn't trust her, but he has been seeing an IC for about nine months now (who I think might be the "you need to be happy" kind of IC). Also, I wanted to wait to re-start MC for him to be ready to commit to the R. I 180-ed, GALed, started exercising again, and also truly forgave him for his part in MR issues.
After several months of this, our relationship was much, much better and more fun and we have been getting along great. The resentment, anger, and dismissiveness I felt rolling off him in waves around BD time seem completely gone in favor of a nice/supportive friendship, but the sex is basically non-existent and he said he couldn't imagine ever having a sexual relationship with me again-- he feels his two choices are a passionless (though not loveless-- he is adamant that he does love me and we have a strong friendship) marriage or divorce and co-parenting.
Then about a month ago I got the second BD-- he admitted to an EA that had started back about eight months prior with someone who lives in another city to which he travels for work occasionally (I think he's seen her three or four times during this EA, though usually more than once on a single trip-- she'd pick him up at the airport, etc.). They had tried several times to cut it off but they have a connection, they can talk about everything, he’s attracted to her and her to him, etc etc. They'd met through a mutual friend a year earlier and had been in irregular contact (getting together for coffees when he was in her city, texting some, etc) and then she reached out to him because of a personal tragedy and had no-one else to talk to. She also needed career advice which he was of course happy to provide, and then they started talking on the phone and texting multiple times a week. A few weeks before the BD they decided to stop communicating with each other entirely because the relationship couldn't go anywhere at this point in time (since he is married)-- I think this was her more than him that cut it off.
I was devastated, and furious that he opened himself up to this relationship right during the time we were ostensibly working on our MR with the MC. (He feels like he's been working on the MR for years (= complaining that I don’t want to have sex enough), while I feel we really didn't start trying until MC and both of us really admitting there was a problem in our R. I think he attributes a lot of the increased positivity in our R to the fact that he had this other outlet with the AP (and has detached from the MR), though he does see the changes that I've made and acknowledges them. Whereas I feel like of course our MR (and restarting our sexual relationship) is impossible when he’s emotionally focused elsewhere.
Particularly since BD2, we've been spending a lot more time together talking and connecting rather than just watching TV like we used to. He moved into the spare room (though the kids haven't picked up on this yet) after BD1 for a few weeks then just came back without any real discussion except asking me if that was OK… then he moved back to the spare room after BD 2 and hasn't come back yet (says he isn't ready to "fake it"). We did have about a week of extended R talks after BD2 though I've really tried to stop doing it (have slipped a bit— part of his issue with our relationship had been “we can’t communicate” which I think actually translates for him into “R talks” since we do communicate pretty well, especially after I’ve been working on validating, listening, empathizing and not just reacting). He still actively feels a connection ("in love") with AP but has agreed not to contact her and to let me know if she contacts him before responding. In our last R talk about a week and a half ago, we agreed to take the pressure off by just spending time together and working on our friendship. He knows I want to figure out how to reconcile and build a new R; he says he’s truly 50/50 and just doesn’t know if a new MR is possible or if he even wants it. He is a great dad and really loves our kids— but says if it wasn’t for them he would have been long gone. He really sees me just as a good friend/partner but not in a romantic or sexual light. He has finally admitted that he hasn’t fully forgiven me for the sexless R— he feels like he could if we were back together sexually or if we were over, but in this middle ground he is still feeling pretty aggravated that he tried to tell me this was a big deal for all these years and then all of a sudden NOW I want to work on it and agree that sex is important (I’d previously felt like it was no big deal, most of my friends weren’t having a lot of sex with their husbands, I talked to my doctor who basically said it is really common and not to worry about it). He also says he doesn’t know how he would be able to process the guilt of the EA if we stayed together and if I would truly be able to forgive him.
So this is where I am. I have recently re-looked at the mini goals I made when I first read DB and almost all of them have been checked off, which is great. He left for a business trip last week and the night before he left we hung out and talked forever (not R talk), he made eye contact with me over our kids’ heads and smiled and I swear there was a spark; he touched my waist before we went to bed; he brought me to another room to show me pictures of myself from a few years ago to show me how good I look now (I’ve lost about 10 lbs and been working out again— still have another 5-10 lbs to go to perfect, but feeling really good).
However, right now I’m really freaking out because his trip took him now to the city where the AP lives, and I’m making myself crazy that he has contacted her. I know this is his path that he needs to go through even if he did contact her, but I need help to resist calling or texting him unless I have a real reason to do so. I am scared that all the progress we’ve made will vanish if he sees her or even is just thinking about her, which of course he is… and I think he’s also so stubborn and has convinced himself that the only way he could have any feelings for another person is that the MR was completely dead without any possibility for revival (I think partially because the guilt would be so much greater if he believed we still have a chance). He has said he feels a lot of guilt for hurting me but does not regret starting the EA with the AP since the intimate bond between us was gone.
Anyway, sorry for the length of this post! I would love advice, thoughts, any tips for how to stay the course, stay patient, etc.? I have been spending more time out with friends and at yoga trying to GAL, but generally I want to be with my kids when I’m not at work, and I also decided not to tell any of my/our friends at this point but feel duplicitous when we hang out because there is this huge thing I’m dealing with but not telling them about, which makes it not as fun to hang out with my friends as it was before. I am not sleeping well and having a terrible time focusing at work.
M (44) H (40) M: 12 T: 16 D7 and D9 DB1 ILYB: April 2019 DB2 Discovered EA: August 2019
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Im sorry you are here. I know that feeling of anxiety well. My exww cheated on me with her boss on out of state trips. My exww didnt care about hurting me. She had zero remorse.
Read everything Cadet posted. Several times. Focus on yourself. It doesnt matter what your H is doing. He may be with the AP. And there is a huge chance its not just an EA if he is traveling to see her. You must accept that.
Take a step back and breath. You cannot control him. Let him go. Leave him be. It hurts and its hard, but once you focus on yourself and accept that you do not control anything but yourself. you will feel better. That feeling of abandonment and betrayal will diminish. You will feel better I promise. But you have to take action on changing yourself.
Get to a point of self love and self care where you know you will be happy no matter what. In doing so he may feel the loss of you and may turn around and come back. But thats not your goal. Your goal is to be a woman only a fool would leave. You may even get to a point where you are done and dont want him back.
Thats the point I got to. I realized that I deserve much better than what I was getting and that I will not be married to someone who can cheat and treat me so poorly. I got to a point where I no longer wantes to reconcile.
I am a much happier person and I am thriving. My divorce was final in May 2019. I was BDed August 2018, confirmed PA October 2018. My situation progressed quickly compared to most.
You will be fine. You will live and love again. You will be a strong person that knows they deserve so much better. Keep pushing forward. One day at a time. Keep posting here.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Im sorry you are here. I know that feeling of anxiety well.
Just reading that brought tears to my eyes-- knowing that there are other people who have gone through this and understand.
The work trip was legit and only one and a half days in her city... But I do think that there is a good likelihood he had dinner with her last night. He had unfollowed her on Instagram (which he is barely on) and then refollowed her this weekend, checked multiple times, and then stopped (I know this stalking behavior is not healthy)-- but it seems unlikely to me that if he was tempted to look at her Instagram feed before he got to the city where she lives, that he wouldn't be tempted there (and he hasn't been on there since). He told me he went out to dinner with a mutual friend who he ran into on the train, but my spider sense is definitely twanging on this. (I did chat with the mutual friend who was like yes!! So good to see him!! But I didn't ask if they just hung out on the train or if they had dinner together... not sure how to ask without being weird.)
My biggest fear is for my kids-- I would do anything for them and truly can't imagine putting them through a divorce.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I WANT to call him right now and ask him why he lied... I don't think that is a great idea. He comes home tomorrow.
My read on the situation is that he got to New York at a hotel by himself, didn't really see friends the first day, and was feeling lonely and thinking of her. Re-followed her on Instagram (which sends a notice to her) Friday and then decided to get to DC early enough yesterday to meet for dinner last night. I don't think this was a planned part of the trip as earlier he'd said he was going to get to DC pretty late or maybe early this morning.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I'm also wondering if I should confront him when he gets home and set some limits-- the fact that he's lying in real time and broke a promise to me (based on the premise of future trust necessary no matter what happens, if we end up together or separate co-parents) to not contact her is crossing a major line for me.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
He lied because right now he doesn't respect you or your marriage.
Yes that hurts badly and you will want to lash out. You have every right to be angry but all the anger in the world isn't going to help you or your relationship. Do you have a trusted friend to call or go see to talk/yell/scream with? I don't think any communication with H will be helpful for you right now.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
