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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2861784#Post2861784

In summary:

Me: 57, H now 60, m 25 yrs, together 30 some odd (off and on before M). No children.

Marriage got rocky about 15 years ago-communication issues primarily, H refused any suggestion of counselling. H has issues around death and dying (parents died in his 20's, best friend at 50, H always thinks he's going to die before 60). I 'm off work with breast cancer for a year-diagnosed 6 years ago. Consumer debt as a result. Working overtime ++, H refuses to discuss/look at finances. I'm responsible for pretty much everything-money/banking/house/cooking/shopping etc. We live on a hobby farm. H emotionally checks out 2 years ago. I'm dealing with mother with severe dementia, father with mild dementia.

BD#1: June 4: "there's nothing to talk about, our marriage was over 15 years ago".
June 5: I get phone call, my mother is now palliative and dying. I go to her care home, spend 3 days there until she passes.
June 9: Home, H has left facebook messenger open-apparent EA with "friend at work", callous messages to other friends about how it's so peaceful at home without me there.
June 14: Ends EA, comes home tells me he "loves me forever, it's always been me, he will do what it takes".
BD #2: June 19: 1 hr before MC-ILYBINILWY, we'll be friends.

Mixed messages ++

Mid August: Confesses to me he had a PA 15 years ago for 6 months, and has 'been consumed by guilt" ever since.

Sept 4: Wants to come home. Has been ++more communicative, has been telling me what he's doing, staying at sisters,

Currently: So he's home on days off (we live out of town), sister's when working. Has his ham radio tracker on all the time, I can see where he is. No unexplained locations for past month. EA is off facebook. Says he hasn't talked to her in over a month. cautiously dating again. I'm in IC, he has not gone yet, but has discussed it with his sister and myself.






Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
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BarbH Offline OP
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DNJ Thank you.

I feel like I'm suddenly feeling my way through a whole new fogbank-and am looking for landmarks!

I've yet to figure out those snappy "quote" cuts folks are able to do.

Quote: "However, one needs to ensure they are happy with their deep values / beliefs. This is part of using time well. Do that inner work. Find, alter, and strengthen your values. If you are not please about something within yourself, this is a great time to fix it.

You told H that counselling was non-negotiable. That is ok, probably true, and a very good thing. So go."

-Yes, I am working on that. I have been in IC for 2 months with a therapist I have really connected wtih. I have come "back to myself" to some extent, and am much clearer on what I want/need from our relationship, and from myself.

One issue I have (and this was an "aha" moment this morning) is that I do tend to give ultimatiums. I have said counselling was not-negotiable, and as uncomfortable as I am backing down from a line in the sand, I will put this on the back burner for him, as he always moves slower than I do. I've added this to my 180 list! No ultimatums/lines in sand as one of his issues with me apparently was its "her way or the highway". Tada!

The Cell phone and Trust: Yes, you nailed it. I want to trust him. I have apologized for the snooping and we did have some discussion around it at the time. Looking at the baby steps: over the past month, he's not been near the EA that I can see-no unexplained blocks of time missing on his ham tracker. He's starting to tell me what's on his phone when it "dings" "Oh, that's twitter", or last night "Luke wants to discuss a project"

I will apologize again when we have our "weekly meeting".

Thank you as well for reminding me of "baby steps".

1. He's home
2. We're making tentative plans for movies nights/dinner etc.
3.He tells me what he doing when he's not home, and knows that the tracker is on.
4.Last night, I was feeling a little anxious-I'd like him to be more affectionate, he isn't ready. I said something, and he calmly said "let's discuss that when we have our meeting". It's actually how amazingly that calmed me down. I think just knowing we can table things for later when we are ready, and not explode and/or sweep them under the carpet is so helpful. And knowing he's on board wtih this.
5. I took our dog for a walk on the dike. H was in town. I called and said "why don't you meet us". For the past month, this has been a flat no. Today it was "oh no, I have to take my sister to the store, but I'll text you when I'm done and see where you are". Didn't work out, but I think he would have/will in future. small steps

You're right, I have time. I need to keep developing patience which isn't my strong suite (clearly!). This board has been so helpful.

I have a list of things I'd like to talk about with him, but for our first "meeting", it's small.

I will talk about trust and cellphone/laptop etc, but won't expect any resolution-just putting it out there.
Apologize again for snooping-it will be the lead in to above.

He can have the floor-I will validate like crazy. Some of it will be valid, and while painful, it will be helpful to know, rather than me just guessing.


Last edited by job; 09/24/19 08:00 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs

Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Joined: Jan 2018
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DnJ Online
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Hi Barb

Originally Posted by Name
Here is the syntax for those snappy quotes.


[quote=Name]Here is the syntax for those snappy quotes.[/quote

The ending character the “]” is missing on the </quote> command in the example, otherwise it would be displayed as a quote.

Hope that helps.

I like your aha moment. Well done!

DnJ


Last edited by DnJ; 09/24/19 09:54 PM.

Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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BarbH Offline OP
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Hi to everyone who helped me from this board during the last crazy months. To recap-after 25 years, H told me we were "done". I ended up asking him to leave. Found messages between him and a "workfriend" with whom he was clearly infatuated. All this while my mother ws slowly dying from Alzheimers, and I was recovering from breast cancer. 3 months later, he confesses to having had an affair 15 years earlier, which I knew nothing about. In my opinion, that was his MLC moment. He then spent 15 years feeling guilty and utimately our marriage went down the drain.

He wanted to come home early Sept '19. We have been working on it ever since.

Thank you again to this board, that helped me keep my mind on straight even though it's been the most difficult experience of my life.

Putting it back together is another incredible challenge. He seems to be much more committed to the process than I ever thought he would be, and for a man who stonewalled all conversation also seems to be elarning to come out of his shell. The strange thing I am finding is I feel I keep evaluating this process "Is he doing enough? Is it good enough? Is this what I deserve?" I guess at this point I need to trust our wonderful therapist who feels we are indeed making progress. Every time we hit a roadbump, it's interesting that he thinks it's worse than it is. He's feeling it's 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, I think it's 1/2 step back, therapist just thinks it's a roadbump.

I will be posting occasionally in piecing. I know that there are not many success stories that show up on this board, but I think I am heading towards being one of them.

What have I learned? Wow, to relax, to breath, to value my female friendships which I have rekindled, to value my male friends who have also helped me through, to understand that no matter what, I have friends, I am supported, I am valued, and I will be fine.

I tried searching back through the threads and couldn't find my old ones....


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Joined: Jan 2000
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job Offline
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Barb,

Welcome back!




Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hello Barb

What a welcomed ray of sunshine that is. It is true there aren’t many success reconciliation stories posted; it is very good to see your’s. Please do update once in a while, it’s a nice read.

Congratulation on all you’ve learned, experienced, and to the new future.

It’s so very true what is learnt. We have friends, support, and value. And above all we will be fine.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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BarbH Offline OP
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Hi DnJ!

Currently we got through our last anniversary (Feb 12). He bought dinner, I gave him a card. It was strange-as I am now agreeing with him that our "old" marriage ended 15 years ago. Never thought I would agree with that! Wasn't even sure how to address anniversary. I am looking forward to a new marriage. I am being very clear that we are not going back to how things were. I think H feels the same way. It is surprising to me how, for a man who resisted counselling for so long, and refused to talk about emotions, he is now learning to do so. I actually feel badly for him that he seems to not even have the language to express how he is feeling, or how to identify it. But we are getting there!

For those interested, we found a terrific male therapist (which I think helps) who practices "Emotionally Focused Therapy" (Dr. Sue Johnson). Very non-accusatory. very non-finger pointing. I would highly recommend this approach. BTW, he is also a fan of MWD.

Last edited by job; 02/17/20 02:37 PM. Reason: removed response to merging threads together

Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
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Hi BarbH! I oftened wondered about you. Happy to see things going well.

Best wishes & continued succes.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever

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