[Many worries]

Any advice from the vets on how to begin piecing or to slow down would be greatly appreciated.

It will take probably 3 times as long as you think. The progression isn't a straight line up, but you have to keep your eye on the overall progression.

It's okay to take your time with things. The marriage for lack of a better word has a wound. It needs time to heal. I think that should be communicated to all partners at some point.

[may22]

Hi Caligirl,
You are amazing and an inspiration Keep up having fun, loving the kids, listening to yourself. Did you guys see an MC yet? I've been listening to Esther Perel's podcast Where Do We Begin and finding it super interesting-- might be something you might like, take your mind off of your own sitch specifically and listen to themes that might resonate with you. Another suggestion in line with MW above-- just like in DB can you set little goals for yourself, maybe mini goals about how YOU are feeling as opposed to how HE's behaving like you do in the midst of DB? Then you can check in every once in awhile and see if you're making baby steps of progress.
Sending hugs!

[KristinG]

I just got caught up on your sitch Cali! Yay for YOU! And I don't mean this in a "yay, you're piecing and everything will work out" kind of way. I mean - yay for YOU - going out and GAL, enjoying life, and doing whatever your heart desires in each moment. This way, no matter the outcome you are going to be A OK. Remember to keep the pressure off of yourself and remind yourself that you cannot change anyone but yourself. Good luck moving forward and keep that head held high!

[Caligirl]

Haven’t started MC . I wasn’t aware insurance did not cover the one I really liked . We have rather good insurance so I was a bit surprised . There is a coach local who I have emailed a few times . I took some time off at the end of the month so I’m going to see if I can go alone first . Do not want to blow my cover on here .

H has begun to read 7 principles which the phone coach from DB recommended so that for me is a great start . Recognizing that we have all of the horseman was eye opening . Stonewalling is number one on both ends for us .We have talked about love language as well .

Been going rather good last few days . H is feeling better finally. Nice to see him smile and be happy to be home . Super loving . Myself I have been a bit run down so it’s nice he’s picked up the pace helping . I’m getting better with the new normal it’s almost like the old normal just with me not feeling 100% there .

[Jim1234]

I'm really glad things seem to be turning around for you!

Keep doing what you've been doing!

[may22]

Nice to hear things are going well!! Fingers crossed you get set up with a good MC-- Gottman Institute website has a directory of MCs trained in their program which might be another place to look to find someone you like who is also on your insurance! Thinking of you!

[Caligirl]

This week has been super busy . Having a hard time separating my job from home . I think my job has basically just taken the life out of me last few days . Worried as this has been a source of tension before in M. I work a high stress job that at times is very demanding . H has really been very helpful but I notice I’m different last few days . Can’t function much once I get home . This is a pattern I do not know really how to break . My job obviously pays very well and we need the income but it does take such a toll on me mentally and physically.

[may22]

Give yourself a break-- you have been dealing with an incredible amount of emotional work and don't feel badly about letting H take on a bit more of the work at home. Can you schedule yourself a massage or something, or take a long lunch with a friend to get your mind off things? You deserve it! I also have a job that can be really stressful and trying to deal with both work and all the stress of H/180s etc is just a lot.

[Caligirl]

Thanks may ! Trying to take it easy . Another rough day but more positive today . I do have some GAL plans in the works ! Hopeful it will lighten up at work . Just really over worked . Nature of the job .

H increasing his time out of the house . I think he lived in a cave we called the master bedroom for weeks .He’s never been the home body ,I am . More let’s say appropriate time with friends . Watching sports . Meeting at a mutual friends house having a few beers and catching up . Better line of communication when he’s out but really I just leave him be and not smother. He’s been respectful with taking time with his friends . This is one of my 180s I want to stick . Not being clingy and allowing him to be himself . Nice to see depression lifted as he settled back into work and home life .

Marathon not a sprint for me . I think even with every positive step he makes that’s genuine I just can’t shake the fear or doubt in me . Like who was the monster for 5 months ? I almost recognized him but it wasn’t him . Crazy right ?

I will say one of the positives to come out of all of this is we have learned lines of respect and learning to understand how different we are . Allowing both of us to be more of ourselves . That me being a home body doesn’t mean he can’t have friends . Or him liking to socialize with the men doesn’t mean he loves me less .

Time will tell

[KristinG]

Cali,

I feel you on the stressful job. Unlike you, however, for the past year my job has suffered because I can't concentrate on anything to save my life. Good job with the change-up with you and your H's time for yourselves. That respectful boundary could be a huge shift for the good of your MR. I totally understand not being able to shake the fear and doubt. As crazy as it sounds, sometimes I fear not being able to shake the fear. Such an inception-type thought! A fear within a fear haha! Glad to see you are not smothering and finding a good rhythm with your communication. Try and find somethings at home that are just for YOU. You said you're a homebody and enjoy staying in, so try something new and relaxing to try and relieve some stress!