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Originally Posted by DianneVa
He act really strange in this cituation. From the way that he behave, it seems like he's having an afair from side. Have you proposed him using a family therapist? If he'll continue saying that everything is okay, then it's hard to see how it can work. Maybe, it's better to end this this marriage and GAL as he said. If divorce will be mutual, then it will cost much cheaper, just print divorce forms from online and throw them in his face! it's important to make changes in your life if you're not being happy in marriage. You can't just leave everything as it is, he makes you cry only because he can't be a good husband, there is no your fault in spending all time with kids! Does he even know how much time and effort it takes for raising a child?


Well this is the Divorce Busting website, so throwing divorce forms at him will likely just get you divorced.
If thats what you want its good advice but I wonder why you are posting on a forum to save your marriage?


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I am sorry you find yourself here. You are in the right place. You may not always hear/read something you like -- tough love and 2*4s -- but I would encourage you to keep posting either way. Everyone here is going through a similar sitch or has gone through it and come out on the other side. By that I don't mean they all saved their M, but many people have moved on to much healthier situations, for them and for their families. There are many posters here that have, or have had, wayward Hs. I am one of them. I will link a couple threads to check out after this post.

I am not sure why DianneVa suggests throwing D papers in his face, but as Cadet says, it could very well likely end in a D. My assumption is that because you are here, you want to save your M. I am not clear how her advice follows the DB principles, but some people do think that threatening D or starting a new R can scare them back home, however it is not inline with what we learn here. I think your best bet right now is to read all of Cadets links and then read them again. Start implementing Sandi's rules today. I used to read them every morning and then try my best to follow all of them. I made mistakes, and that is okay, and then I would simply start over. When I was able to follow them well, I often felt better about myself and started working towards detaching a bit.This is a very painful time and it is important to practice self forgiveness, patience and love. You won't be perfect and that is okay too.

I completely agree with SoTorn. In fact, I will take it a step further and say that I am certain he has had or is having As. Why am I certain? Because I have been reading here for 6 years and if there is one thing I have learned it is that our inner voice is always right! Call it intuition, gut feeling, a sense that something could be slightly off and "maybes" are all enough signs that you can just trust it. It is happening. All posters here that have had a spouse that had an A, will all tell you that they just had a feeling that something was off. That is all the proof you really need. I stand by my beliefs.

So what do you do differently? You still follow the same rules, drop the rope, do not initiate any contact, etc. However as SoTorn says, you need to start protecting yourself. You need to protect yourself physically (from STDs and pregnancy) and emotionally (you are extremely vulnerable right now and he is taking advantage of that). This is some massive cake eating. He has left you and your home, yet he is allowed to date you and sleep with you? You should cut all of that off. Why? Can't it bring you closer, people ask? I do not believe that for a second. It actually weakens your position. Strong and confident women do not allow their H to abandon the M, tell them it's over, and then come and go as they please. Just try and think about it as an outsider for a moment if you can.

Your first post concerned me. You mentioned that your arguments have been physical. Are you willing to elaborate on that more? Because I am wondering if the end of this sort of relationship could be a blessing in disguise. I feel strongly that no one should ever put their hands on another or cause any type of physical harm or even use violence as intimation. I had an Ex from my younger days where things almost escalated to that point, and many years later, I can see how damaging and unhealthy that relationship was. In my M now, we have had a lot of struggles, but nothing that ever compromised physical safety. I do wonder if that is the sort of M that is worth walking away from. If not for you, then for the kids. Perhaps I misunderstood that and need correcting.

Take good care,
Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Last edited by BluWave; 09/24/19 08:23 PM.

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Thank you I have no plans of throwing papers or anything in his face.

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Blue wave - thanks for the great advice . I think the issue I have to come to terms with is the massive Cake eating . At first it was maybe a few days a week short intervals . Now moved up the amount of time we are spending together positively whether us together or family time . That’s where I have the conflict because it has had some positive effects . He hated coming home for about the last year or so and was a complete dead fish for awhile .Where now I tend to get more of the “ I can’t wait to see you “ or “ you seem different , calmer , home is more peaceful “. I see more of what we were many moons ago . He knows my stance on marriage . GAL has been a great source of stress relief for me. I enjoy just some time alone as well which has never been as easy thing for me . I tend to over think , worry and allow many things or situations to hinder my moods . Over the past 3 months out of all this craziness the one thing I have slowly learned is I have to stop living my life to make others happy because I need to be in a place where I am important too . As far as the violence I would say a bickering turns into a full blown verbal arguement , name calling , down right demeaning things said on both ends . One of us then escalated to threats one would leave . Maybe a household item broken . Two physical altercations in 12 years . Pushing . Neither one knows how to back down . Goal for me - learn to not escalate and find the root of the problem . I have learned over the last 3 months when he has spewed if I just listen and take a few minutes to react some where in the spew is really what’s bothering him .i fully take my 50 percent responsibility I have been no dream during arguments as well . I will agree on your take on affair . Do I think there’s one now . No . Brewing or burned out very well maybe so .I’m going to take some time and read all the links you sent me and re-evaluate where I’m going with this .

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Much of the same has gone on over last 2 days . Few dates a lot of contact from him but at his convenience. If I can not make it or offer a different time then it’s a no go . I took some time to read through the links posted . I need to at this point have some serious boundaries . This is some serious cake eating and though I enjoy spending time with my husband and my goal is to R. This can no longer go on as it’s now becoming me just saying yes to everything . So question with boundaries . Do I clearly state ..... I will no longer sleep with you without commitment? Do I decline every invite or just some of them ?

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Echoing what has been said before, I'd strongly recommend reading the Boundaries thread - it is invaluable in situations like this, and contains hugely useful advice.

Definitely adopt a strong position and give no indication of being weak or passive. If you are interacting more than infrequently, he should notice this quickly.


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Hi Cali

I'm a newbie here but I think I can see some solutions to your questions. I have been on both sides of these issues. The vets can flame me at will if I'm wrong.

These are all easier to say than do. But if I can do them (or try) you can too.

1. Stop arguing back about anything and validate. Outside of the links here, there's a book called "I Hear You" that has a fantastic step by step validation technique. If that's not allowed I apologize to the moderators.

2. Stop having sex. No means no. It doesn't take a discussion. You'll just be opening up to another huge deal. Figure something out. Headache, mood, tired, time of the month... Whatever. You guys are good at that stuff! wink It looks like that's a 180 for you. Also consider not letting him in your bed. I would consider that a boundary.

3. Go on dates about 1/3-1/2 of the times offered. (Only if you want to.)

4. Don't do the DB techniques blindly. A lot of it is very counter intuitive that's part of what makes it so hard to do. I do follow 99.9% but I'm a very analytical person so I have to turn everything inside out before I do it. It's your R and it's very hard to see the utility of some of this stuff because of the counter-intuitiveness. All of it is proven effective, most will fit your sitch because they are all so similar, but some won't.

None of this has to be done with some kind of attitude. It should more or less be presented pleasantly as a matter of fact, just like it's always been that way.

Just breathe...


Last edited by Ske0187; 09/27/19 04:27 PM.

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I think being passive is part of my 180 but also makes me appear weak . I have always been the pursuer, never really passive . The planner and very opinionated. Now working on distance and detaching . Lesson learned on pursuit . He offered to have a breakfast date . I declined . I offered a different time later . He agreed . Then called to say he wasn’t coming . Rather then argue which I normally would do . I said I will call u back . I never did . Went and read a book . Watched a movie . Talked to friends . I didn’t call for the simple fact of I can not let his decisions effect my mental status . It was clearly noticed . I didn’t respond to it today when he texted this morning because of the way it was communicated which was harshly .

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I think the easier said then to do just speaks volumes . The detaching and distancing is quite hard . Today I had plans to GAL . He had plans to spend time with kids at my home while I was out . Gal has been such a great resource for me I didn’t even realize I ever needed more of . He came earlier then expected . Questioned where I was 3 times before I came home . Came home I said hello pleasantly , now my usual is to kiss him hello . Nope a friendly wave and up I went to get dressed for GAL . I was planning on just changing and leaving . I’m starting to see the pursuit n distance a bit clearer now . As I was headed out here comes H on pursuit walks over grabs me kisses me . When You said saying is easier then doing you are spot on ! It felt so wrong but I just said sorry I’m running late I have to go . I really just wanted to kiss him back and ask about his day . But didn’t . I left . I just tell myself the man standing there kissing me is not my husband but a reflection of what he was and in a few hours he will be back to a man I do not know .

GAL was so much fun . Shopping , dinner and a few drinks with one of my friends . Felt great just to be me again smile Not planning my night around what anyone else was doing or my husband .

When I came home I heard my H on phone with a friend . I don’t know the context of why it was said but I heard “this is why I got married “ . I acted as if I didn’t hear it and went to feed the dog .

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