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Ginger1 #2868060 10/12/19 02:00 AM
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Hey G. How are you?

I guess I didnt explain myself well. But your response got me thinking about how to explain it better,perhaps.

I do not think you are going to be alone the rest of your life.

I do think that you need to be ok with the idea, though. And not at all because I think that will be the truth. Simply because it sets you free.

When you have the mindset that you are going to live your life and let it unfold..
When you aren't worried about meeting someone. ..
When you believe in your worth and that you are enough...
When you let go of what you think your life should look like and accept what it does....

You are free.

What happens then is that you open yourself up to the possibilities. You are lighter.

It matters, this. Your mindset and your actions and thoughts change. And that brings about change.

It is then that someone may enter your life with you in a place of strength. When you are, you can be you completely.
You dont have to worry about whether you are saying or doing the right things because you are ok either way.

You will behave differently because you will feel differently...more confident, less stressed and it will be reflected outward.

I dont believe in games. I am who I am within this relationship without fear of rejection. While I would be very sad if it were to end...I would survive. If it ends because he didnt like me being me..not my problem.

I think how you feel about being alone shows when you are with someone.I think you feeling rejected and feeling as if you have bad luck, shows too.

The only way to have something different..is to do something different...and I believe it starts from within you.

Ginger1 #2868080 10/12/19 11:37 AM
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Hi my friend!

Yes, I do believe my bad luck and rejection has gotten into my head and it shows. And I absolutely think I worry too much about doing or saying the right thing. And I’m definitely sure that shows. I need to stop that. That stops when I don’t give a flying F. You are absolutely right. And I’m not a game player either. But it is me in my head in these relationships saying “am I doing this correctly? Are my feelings valid? Let me validate crap behavior because I’m supposed to.

Nope nope and nope. I have been doing a lot of reflecting and mostly on this exact stuff. Looking back into how I was in my R with M. Looking at who I was in that R.

Yet. He never opened up emotionally. Never talked about relationships and how he loves and likes to be loved and what his values were in a Relationship. He couldn’t talk about them. Only stuff about his son, parenting and how to fix things and pot. And the craziness of his exW. Never the good things about his marriage. Nothing about relationship dynamics at all. He was completely unable to talk about relationships and the deeper stuff in life.

I mean, basically, the R became a train wreck and I lost myself in it because I didn’t matter in it. At all. Him and his son Were all that mattered in it. And I became a therapist to listen to it all and anticipate his moods around it.

And it’s freeing to realize that. I wasn’t even present in that R. And if he came back tomorrow it would be a hard no. I wish I would have not worried about losing an R that I didn’t matter in . Like my marriage. And I worried only because I did really think I shouldn’t give up any opportunity at this age and in my situation.

And that was very very very wrong. Because I am happier alone than with the rejection within my relationship with him. Because in the relationship it was rejection. Of how I felt, what my life was all about, my struggles, and my wants. I just existed. I had no say about anything in that R. Complete rejection of it all. And I have so much relief without that now. Because it is an awful feeling to have that while actively in an R.

The truth is I feel bad for him. I know he’s been emotionally scarred and he thinks he is trying so hard to be such a perfect parent that he’s blind to everything else around him. And he’s not really doing his son any favors. You can tell this man loves his son very much, but he was so focused on winning him over that he was messing up a lot of it.

I want a voice and I want to matter. Else I would rather be alone. That is the truth and not just lip service. I want to be just as important as my partner. I wasn’t in my M and I wasn’t with M. It was amazing how much my marriage and my R with M paralleled . They are very different people, but treated me all the same in a very different way. I was invisible to them both expect to serve them a purpose. My wants and needs meant nothing on either relationship. Only difference was, my ex was cruel about it, and M I don’t really think meant to be the way he was.

Man, I get long winded when these thoughts come to my head. Therapeutic writing them out though.

As far as D. Well, we continue to chat. Just a few exchanges a day. I thought it might become hopeless due to our schedules. But he really is interested in meeting me and the first date is happening tonight. I’m sort of indifferent only because that’s how I’ve become with online dating. My friend asks me why I am no excited and I just know anything can happen. Chatting has been nice. We seem much more on the same level. He doesn’t seem to be carrying a lot of baggage with his divorce. He seems like a normal parent. Kids have chores, play sports, have busy lives with their friends too. He is very into his career . Hard worker. And even when he goes on about himself he stops and actually says “your day is important to me too. Tell me who your craziest patient was today” M and I didn’t share any of the same hobbies really. I enjoyed his with him, but the dude never watched a movie thought TV was dumb, and he didn’t watch any sports. He never just vegged on the couch and watched Tv on a lazy Sunday. D is into movies. Loves the idea of cooking Sunday dinner together while chilling in our PJ’s on a Sunday. M and I never did that. He couldn’t wait to get out of my house on a Sunday morning to go home and work on some sort of project. D uses the word “partner” when describing what he is looking for. He says he’s totally flexible for last minute dates. Wants to get back to the gym , joke’s about having gym dates, but is serious. He knows I want to get back to the gym too. Says he can get lost for hours in home goods and he thinks an important part of an R is being able to do the regular everyday things together.

So, we are surely more compatible this far. But I guess tonight we shall really see. I’m a little nervous. But I know I should have maybe waited a little longer, but I would be a fool not to give this a chance. I think it’s good to come from a place where my awareness for red flags is much more fresh. Because I am
Not very forgiving of them right now. Which does help me be just me and not worry about doing the “right” thing. Just relax.

I need to just relax and have fun. And I will tell you, my M with R was not fun for the last few months. It was stressful and sad. I don’t want stressful and sad in my life

Ginger1 #2868088 10/12/19 02:08 PM
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Just be wonderful you, G With no expectations...a night out with someone who is lucky to get one with you. That's it...no more, no less, K?

Ginger1 #2868091 10/12/19 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
But he really is interested in meeting me and the first date is happening tonight.
Enjoy!


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Ginger1 #2868094 10/12/19 03:11 PM
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Thanks! If anything, it’s nice to get dressed up, look pretty and enjoy a conversation and beverage with a member of the opposite sex.

Ginger1 #2868125 10/13/19 03:47 AM
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The date went ok. However, the end didn’t tell me as much. In the parking lot, he tells me he had a great time, gave me a half a hug and left. And that was it.

Oh well. I hate this and I don’t get how this works half of the time.

I tried.

My stepmother said to me as I left “remember , you are the prize” she is so right. I needed to hear that going in.

You win some, you lose some I guess

Ginger1 #2868127 10/13/19 06:27 AM
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Sorry your date did not go as well as you had hoped it would. Try to look at it as one more step toward one day finding the right person for you and some time spent with a guy who is on the same journey as you. Better than sitting at home watching tv, IMO. And your stepmom is right..you are the prize. Don’t forget it!!! (((HUGS)))

Ginger1 #2868132 10/13/19 12:08 PM
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I dunno. Ending a first date with just a hug seems normal to me. If the other vibes were cooler and there was no talk of wanting to see each other again then yeah - just a night out.

Good on you though for putting yourself out there.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP #2868133 10/13/19 01:10 PM
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You sound like you may have been a little disappointed with the date. Try to keep in mind that what people post can be a little different then when you actually first meet up. He may have been a bit nervous w/finally meeting you IRL. I think a hug at the end of the first date sounds normal.

If he doesn't contact you again, I would put him in the pile of "oh, wells" and continue on dating. Your stepmother is absolutely correct...you are the prize and don't forget that.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ginger1 #2868139 10/13/19 01:59 PM
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This is why I keep harping on the idea of a coffee date first! A real date between strangers is too much pressure!

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