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ballast #2867165 10/03/19 01:34 PM
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Ginger,

You are not fat! You are a beautiful woman who is looking in the mirror and seeing something other than what we are seeing. Turn that filter off and accept the person that you are...beautiful inside and out.

Now about your new friend, he could very well be "bi sexual" and then again, he may not be. At this point, he sounds like a person who cares about others and has many of the same interests that you have. I would enjoy the interactions, but I would also be learning as much as you can about the man behind the texts.

If something doesn't sit well w/you, then listen to your gut and not push on accepting whatever the issue that has been ringing your bell and ignoring that bell.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ginger1 #2867222 10/03/19 08:05 PM
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I guess it's all in the words you use, Ginger. That's more or less all we have to go on here - what people write. When you put it like you did now, saying, "We both swiped right, we text, get to know each other, then we meet. That’s it. I just happen to really enjoy our conversations," NOW THAT... all sounds very reasonable and makes sense to me. But when we or let's just keep it with me, when I see you write things like this new guy whom you've never met knows more about you than M did after a year, it makes me really sit back and wonder - how can that be? Make more sense? When you say "we texted for 5 hours talking about anything and everything. If we didn’t have to go to sleep, we would probably still be chatting." again, it makes us/me wonder. I do get it, a little bit anyhow, but still... he's a stranger you've not even met in real life yet. Knowing his full story and deciding he's had an amazing life and that his wife was a cheater - again, before even having a drink together? Saying "we like so much of the same things" - well I guess. And then "I will say, if this guy is as advertised, and there is chemistry, he would be that guy I’ve dreaming up." Really??? I just don't see how this can be anything other than wishful thinking about anyone or even what I might want from someone, but it seems more like fantasy - at least to me.

Still these are all the things that at least I would hopefully START to believe after many months together and dozens of dates - not a week of texting. Again, maybe that's just me but it sounds to me more like building someone up and once again giving him the benefit of the doubt until maybe proven otherwise - not making him actually SHOW it to you. So far all of this is only words - just WORDS, nothing more. Just for some reason, you hear the words and think OMG this could be THE GUY, he's so amazing, etc. while KML and I and a few others hear the same words and say "Wow, something sounds too good to be true here, what's wrong with this picture?" Maybe I'm just cynical and jaded and you see the good in people and trust what they say. And most certainly I don't want to turn you into me - not at all. Maybe we both just need to come a bit more to the middle - I can't distrust everyone until they prove themselves and you can't trust everyone until they show who they really are. Maybe we both need to move towards the middle.

My only point is I don't want you to get hurt. Certainly you could find the most amazing man on the Internet and have him ride up and give you the most amazing life. It could happen. The sad thing is, while that could happen the chances are so much smaller than this just being another talker who when the real truth comes out is not even worth a date - which is what I'm getting the feeling you'd say about M right now. Does that make more sense?

And yes, you have turned guys down - I'm not saying it never happens. I'm just saying on balance it's the guy who decides this is not working - even when you had all the reason to say that all along.

Still I'm willing to say I'm wrong and you're right about it all - I hope this guy is all you think he is, time will tell. So I may be wrong about it all, tut there is just no way you'll convince me you're fat - that one I'm totally right about and you are dead nuts wrong. I'm totally sure this time I'm right and you're wrong - YOU ARE NOT FAT! smile


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2867235 10/03/19 09:00 PM
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Originally Posted by DonH
Again, maybe that's just me but it sounds to me more like building someone up and once again giving him the benefit of the doubt until maybe proven otherwise - not making him actually SHOW it to you. So far all of this is only words - just WORDS, nothing more. Just for some reason, you hear the words and think OMG this could be THE GUY, he's so amazing, etc. while KML and I and a few others hear the same words and say "Wow, something sounds too good to be true here, what's wrong with this picture?" Maybe I'm just cynical and jaded and you see the good in people and trust what they say. And most certainly I don't want to turn you into me - not at all. Maybe we both just need to come a bit more to the middle - I can't distrust everyone until they prove themselves and you can't trust everyone until they show who they really are. Maybe we both need to move towards the middle.



Not just you, Don....this is exactly the point I was trying to make when I mentioned drawing comparisons to M. It would be easy for G (or anyone really) to compare a new person who seems to be everything right and wonderful to a past person who seemed that way and then ultimately proved they were not and in setting up that comparison, it would be easy to get caught up in the excitement of how wonderful and different and amazing the new person is, maybe even to the point of missing a red flag or 2. I don't think you are jaded, Don. I think you are pragmatic. And, I do think G sees the good in people, which is likely why everyone loves and cares for her and wants to see her succeed. It's a gift to be able to see the good in all people and in all situations.

As Don (and others) said, I don't want to see you hurt, G. I hope this guy is everything you hope for and more. I hope you continue to enjoy chatting via text and I hope you both feel weak in the knees type chemistry when you have your first date. smile


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Ginger1 #2867244 10/03/19 10:39 PM
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I absolutely know you guys care. And I swear, it’s not how you interpret it at all don. We text, we like talking and we look forward to meeting in person. He’s still guilty until proven innocent. I know what he’s told me so far, but I don’t truly know him yet. That takes time. I’m just trying to go on a first date over here. Where it goes, I have no clue. It could be a complete flop. But I like him in the getting to know by text process. Which is because meeting up for us is really difficult. I was impressed today when he said even though it was a kid weekend for him, he was trying to find sometime to meet up ( his kids are old enough to be home for an hour or 2) but he sent me his weekend schedule ( sports games) and I don’t even know how he does it. But I really appreciate him trying to make time. I’m usually always the one accommodating the other person.

This could be nothing at all. Or it could be something great. I don’t know. I guess I’ll find out.

In other news, I have a job interview oct 18th!!! It’s a 12 hour shift job, which would be good. 2 shifts a month and I’ll make pretty good extra money. I might have to do nights, but I’ve done that before. It’s a logistics transfer center coordinator . But woh that money, I can have my debt paid off in a year. And that would be so satisfying .

Doing what I got do.

Ginger1 #2867245 10/03/19 11:56 PM
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G, my sweet friend..I love you. I love your open heart, your ability to bounce back, your giving the benefit of the doubt to people.

I know you know I care a great deal about you.

So, here's my two cents. I honestly don't think you should have initiated anything yet. You needed to heal from a year long relationship you were hoping would lead to marriage. You needed to regroup and figure yourself out.

The reason is that the same things keep happening to you. Now I am not saying it is you. Some of these guys had issues. But ultimately we are responsible for some of what happens in a relationship. I am thinking you keep doing the same things over and over.

You did make some action changes with M. You did. But for the most part, you also did a lot of things the way you always do.

I am not one who thinks we should change who we are for another person. But we can and should change our actions.
I understand why your friends here are concerned. It is because you are going in already. At least that's how it reads. And here's the truth. He can write anything, right? It means nothing at this point. You are getting excited over someone who can be wonderful....or not. You are, you know it. smile

I think it should work like this. You get in touch...exchange a few texts to get to know each other a little and then meet. Because much of what he is telling you could be stuff he thinks you want to hear. It isnt until you are face to face, that you really know.

So, I hope you get to meet up soon. I hope he is wonderful...you deserve it. Until then...do something different. That's the way to get different results, ya know?

Ginger1 #2867356 10/04/19 08:41 PM
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Wow, so very well said uR - and with so much compassion. It's all exactly what I'm thinking - I just didn't pull the words together nearly as eloquently as you did.

But it has been multiple years now and multiple guys with one common denominator. That's not to say you have not come a long way and as I've said before, I don't know anyone who is willing to look at themselves and embrace change than you. Clearly the best way to get different results is to do things differently. I think you are still just hurting so much and healing that it's hard not to reach out when someone comes along that may take away the pain - if only for a short time. I don't think you even want a man in your life - you just want the pain to go away and not feel like you are and that is beyond understandable.

I don't have all the answers or maybe any of them. I do think you should read what uRworthy said a dozen times though. Very wise words in the post above this one.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Ginger1 #2867374 10/04/19 10:30 PM
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Am I ready to date? Maybe. Will I ever be super ready? Who knows. Honestly, I came across him unintentionally. I look, just to see what’s out there. And his profile is the only one that really caught my attention and I swiped wipe, sent a message, and didn’t imagine he would reply. But he did. So I went with it. Am I trying to cover up pain with another guy? Box definitely not. It honestly might distract me a little bit, but it doesn’t cover up anything I’m feeling. I’m just seriously ready to get on with things.

Will I do anything different this time? Yes. Every relationship is a learning experience. In the past I’ve chosen people who I knew were wrong for me. Still tried everything to make it work. With M, I actually thought things were good and this was a real relationship that I was taking nice and slow and appropriately. In the beginning I wasn’t even totally into him. What I repeated with M was not really listening to my gut. I wasn’t seeing how things actually were and I was instead just hoping things would change and I let the words, then the bitty actions keep me in. But my gut did not feel good about things for a while. And I think juju said it. I felt as an older woman, I should lower my expectations and settle for someone who was there. But then he was barely there anymore.

I need to trust my gut more and quit the “spackling” and be more honest about who these people really are.

This guy could nothing like the guy I’m chatting with. I won’t know anything until I atleast meet him. I have no clue how it’s going to go. And it’ll simply be a first date. And he does have to prove himself to me. And if the first date is good, I’ll keep getting to know him.

I really don’t know what else to do differently anymore. I am lost. Maybe I’m just supposed to give up the thought of finding someone? Just stop dating? Not trust anyone at all? I really don’t know what else I can do differently to have some success anymore except the things I mentioned above? Yes, I am certainly the common denominator. There were 2 guys who said “something was missing” one just got married. The other just dumped me. That does haunt me.

I look left and right and see people consistently be successful. I’m kind of in like a 2% of people who have been so unsuccessful in relationships. I know people who are recently divorced and remarried again. Not many have my track record. And I think of myself as one of the most self aware people. Armed with lots of relationship and good partnership tactics.

And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why I keep getting back to square one. So I’m open to what I can do differently. I’m so stuck in my head over this. And then I start talking to someone else and I still feel like I’m being told I’m doing something wrong.

I don’t even know what’s “right”

Ginger1 #2867375 10/04/19 10:37 PM
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I’m beginning to think more and more I should really just be alone. Just accept it already.

Ginger1 #2867396 10/05/19 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m beginning to think more and more I should really just be alone. Just accept it already.


I believe the general theory is that once you do that, that's when love finds you. Fingers crossed!

Seriously, I don't think there needs to be much of a gap between M and your next first date. You were only together a year and it's been around 1.5 months already hasn't it? They say one month for every year don't they? I'd have thought if you wanted to just test the water and head out on a date, you'd be fine. Your issue is working out when you're bringing out the spackle - and it appears as though you have a plan for that. May as well see if it works!


Me:57 H:57
S:25 S:22
M:24 T:26
BD:Aug 15
D:Sep 17
Ginger1 #2867400 10/05/19 01:19 PM
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Hi Ginger - you are a generally positive person. You'll get through this. My understanding of the "fat" comment wasn't about your actual weight. It's tough to look at ourselves and feel that we're worthy when it's been demonstrated that to some people that we're not. But that's on them and not on us.

Hope you have a great weekend!


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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