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Ginger1 #2866930 10/01/19 10:30 AM
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We shall call this new guy D. We texted last night for 5 hours. Talking about everything and everything. Some life experiences, small things, like what makes us tick. You name it, we talked about it. And he was interested in ME. The tiny and big details about me. If we didn’t have to go to sleep, we would probably still be chatting.
It made me realize a lot. In a few days, D knows more about me than M knew in a year. Not just facts, but details about what makes me me. M and I never really got to a place like that. The connection wasn’t very strong, and mostly, he didn’t care. He was emotionally stunted by so much pot and his ongoing drama. And just so self centered.

He’s lived an incredible life so far. I mean incredible. A year ago, he also become very sick and septic and was in my ICU for a while. And he has such an incredibly lease on life. He’s an athlete and an artist, which is an incredibly sexy combo. His wife was a cheater. He tried to keep it together for the kids. But couldn’t. She actually rents a house 3 houses away from him and he says they talk kids and money, that’s about it, and they keep it civil. No police station exchanges, Court appointed mediators for every decision.

I can’t begin to stress realizing how perhaps there really was something missing between M and I. This thing now may not work out, but it has opened my eyes to what needs to be there. I thought that maybe connections were silly and having a guy who was interested and loyal and “not going anywhere” would be more adult. More safe. It so safe after all! I really tried with M. I tried very hard to connect, but his utter lack of interest in me or my life made it very difficult

We like so much more of the same things. TV and movies were to good for M and just being lazy on a Sunday afternoon. One of my favorite things when the chance arises! He was always Mr antsy pants if he was high and could just stay the day with me. D described making a home cooked meal, and cuddling and binge watching Netflix all day on the couch. A perfect Sunday!

I’m a little concerned that we will click so much before we meet or something and when we do, he won’t be physically attracted to me. My pictures are pretty real, no filters, some with no make up and he seems to think I am very pretty. But he is a really good looking guy. Slightly intimidating. But seriously, an attractive man.

I will say, if this guy is as advertised, and there is chemistry, he would be that guy I’ve dreaming up. That one you go through all bad stuff to get to.

I hadn’t smiled the way I smiled talking to him in a very, very long time.

Ginger1 #2866941 10/01/19 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I hadn’t smiled the way I smiled talking to him in a very, very long time.


Ginger,

Good for you! It's amazing what a difference a week and a little change in perspective can make.

doodler #2866944 10/01/19 01:28 PM
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I am happy that you've connected w/someone new...but take things slowly and don't be so quick in giving him your heart and soul. Take it slow, do things together and make him work for your trust and love.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ginger1 #2866950 10/01/19 02:28 PM
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I wish we could all start out in life with a great relationship - so that we know not to settle for all the mediocre and dysfunctional people that enter our lives. When you start saying “well he is.... but on the other hand he does ...” it’s usually a bad sign.

D sounds like he has some great potential. A lot of people told me when on line dating to not text so much and to not connect before meeting. No one told my now BF that and I ended up following his lead and all the texting and connecting made our first date really fun and super comfortable. I agree with job. You do the judging. Make him prove himself to you. Not the other way around.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Ginger1 #2866953 10/01/19 03:11 PM
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I TOTALLY agree with Juju. There has been a lot of talk on these boards (and I'm sure in many other similar venues) about NOT texting, calling, connecting prior to meeting very much prior to meeting. I know we spent a lot of time on J9's thread talking about his coach and how that was one of the things that the coach was against. I get the reasoning behind it. Having said all that, though, (forgive me for repeating my stories because I'm almost positive that I have shared this before), Sparky and I spent a good deal of time first instant messaging, then texting and occasionally even calling. Now, this was mainly due to the fact that we'd already talked about meeting, then his dad got sick and ended up dying and that kind of put our meeting on the back burner (understandably so), but we kept in contact while he was dealing with all that and when he was ready to meet, our first date ran so easily and we were super comfortable together because we had already talked about some things that we would've talked about on the first date. That may or may not work for everyone and it is not my place to say because I firmly believe everyone has to do what works for them. I do know that communicating more before meeting did end up working out well for me. Like I said, I get the reasoning behind not doing it, but I think you can get a good sense of who a person is by reading some very subtle social cues when you are texting and talking. Yes, you can really get to know them better face to face, but you can develop a rapport electronically that is, despite being removed from each other, very genuine. If it works for you, keep on keepin' on!

I'm happy for you, but will say the same thing I said to Andrew. Proceed with caution. Be careful to NOT compare him to M. They are 2 entirely different people. If you set up a comparison in your mind (which from your writing, you are already starting to do), it could become a situation where you miss potential red flags because you have built D up to be so great simply because he's better than M. He's not necessarily better, but he's different. (Well, ok, he's likely better, but that is really neither here nor there. LOL) My point is, don't set it up in your mind as a competition or you might miss some potential issues of D's just because they aren't the same as M's. Does that make sense? D sounds wonderful and like he has great potential, but no one is perfect and sometimes too good to be true is just that.

Here's a bit more food for thought: when you were with M, you were pretty insistent that his XW was just horrible and the drama that followed her was all her fault. (And, that may very well be the case, since you know her and none of us do, but do you REALLY know her? Or do you know M's version of her?) Looking back now, knowing what you know about M, is it possible that he bore some responsibility in some of the drama that he was so quick to lay solely on her? I say all this to say that while D sounds amazing and likely is, remember that there are 2 sides to every story and just proceed with caution. Take it slow, enjoy getting to now each other and remember your value and your worth. Make HIM prove that HE is worthy of you, not the other way around.

Cuddling on the couch netflixing on Sunday? if I was single, I would totally be asking if he had a brother you could hook me up with because that is a PERFECT Sunday to me!

By the way, not to belabor the point, but something else you said rang true to me. You mentioned M's pot use a couple of times in your most recent post, saying that he was emotionally stunted from his heavy use. I get that a lot of people are recreational users and I understand their whole "it's safer than drinking" mentality. I've also heard such reasons as it isn't addictive, it is safe because it is all natural, I can take it or leave it and don't HAVE to have it regularly. So, I get it. I really do. And, I have been accused of being a square more than once in my life and will continue to do so for my stance on pot, but I'm sorry, if you are smoking enough of it, it IS going to be detrimental. M is a case in point. It clearly affects him AND his relationships. Not good.

Sorry to hijack your thread, get on my own soapbox and be Debbie Downer. What I really want you to get from all of that is that you are loved and everyone wants you to be happy and just be careful. I hope this guy is that dream guy that you deserve. Just make sure you remember your value and worth while he's showing you his. Make him work for it!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Ginger1 #2867011 10/01/19 11:46 PM
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I am definitely heeding all your caution and going to let him prove himself to me. Not think I’m not worthy because he is pretty awesome. It will be actions not words and I’ll be watching closely if this indeed does take off.

As far as all the texting before meeting. If there is a fantastic connection, I think it’s just fine. That it will carry into the date and make us feel much more comfortable and it will flow nicely. I think it also builds attraction. Someone might appear more attractive because of the person you got to know them as. We are moving up our date anyways. Next week I’ll be meeting him in the city after work.

As far as comparison to M, I don’t think I am comparing him to M, but I am more comparing the feeling and vibe I get from him as opposed to what I got from M. They are certainly 2 different people . We just are connecting on a much different level, and I realize that level is important and it was missed with M. It is important. D and I have total opposite careers, yet we have so much in common. We really enjoy the same things. I did different things with M. Things that were his passion. I enjoyed them, but we never really did me stuff. And sometimes it is just binge watching Netflix and cooking together.

I realize I am more comfortable with the 3 kids right around my D’s age. Because I hate to compare again, but I wasn’t down with the way M parented . D is a super involved dad. But M was so hyper focused on being a perfect parent. I imagine with 3 kids close on age, you don’t hyper focus on one kid and make sure everything is perfect. I couldn’t take that. I loved his son. So much. But his parenting made me a little nutty.

D had a brush with death over a year ago. Was actually in my place of employment in the ICU and severely septic. Got a staph infection in his foot and found out he was diabetic. He lives a very healthy life now. I don’t think he is a closet pot smoker. If he did recreationally, I wouldn’t care. I do myself once in a while. He has quite a lease on life. He’s a total romantic. He wants to know my details. No one has cared about that stuff ever, I’ve come to realize. I’ve only dated guys who wanted to make sure I had something to offer them.

This may not work. Or it may. I hope to be fortunate like you have juju. As much as I lose hope sometimes, I also probably have too much.

All I know, right now, I love talking to him. He is sounds like a truly incredible guy. Zero red flags as of yet. And I’m looking forward to meeting him.

Ginger1 #2867020 10/02/19 12:50 AM
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Quote
He’s a total romantic.


RED FLAG!!!! RED FLAG!!!!!!

Not to be a downer, but a grown man with kids who is a "total romantic" is a big warning sign in my eyes. Nothing wrong with a little romance, but a "total romantic" who isn't in his 20's is quite likely to be either A) needy B) manipulative or C) nothing like his profile picture. Just saying.

Ginger1 #2867024 10/02/19 01:13 AM
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It’s still early Ginger. I don’t know if I’m fortunate yet. I’m taking it day by day. Everything is great, but I have read other peoples situations and I know what can happen and how things can turn. On the other hand, I also know that thinking with caution ruins the high as well.

What’s wrong with needy? I kind of like that in a partner. I actually would want to be needed by someone. I think ginger would actually do good with a guy that’s a bit needy. (Not lazy and looking for someone to do everything for them but someone that needs love and partnership sounds good)


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Ginger1 #2867025 10/02/19 01:14 AM
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Ok, not a total romantic. I guess any romance to me is so romantic. He still believes in love. Getting to know his partner and being able to share in the things that make her happy. He is an artist, he’s got that side. But nothing overboard.

But he does love watching romantic comdies. Is that a red flag?

Ginger1 #2867032 10/02/19 02:19 AM
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Not to say that unicorns don't exist, but I've never met a straight man who 'loves' watching rom coms. I have met plenty of men who are happy to do so if it makes the woman they are with happy. Big difference.


Me:57 H:57
S:25 S:22
M:24 T:26
BD:Aug 15
D:Sep 17
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