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Originally Posted by "44tries"
can't say which day "this week" she will being going to the courthouse (I'm actually not even sure what she means by this, is that where you get D papers?).

I downloaded my initial divorce papers online. I filled them out, filed them with the courthouse clerk, then had them served. They mostly announced my intent and informed my ex-wife of her rights.. no real info was needed that early on. Yes, going to the courthouse with completed documents in triplicate is a key step. When you acknowledge service (both parties know) is when the court's clocks begin slowly ticking.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/30/19 05:59 PM.
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Thanks for explaining that, CW. I'm sure W will figure that out if she takes the time. I am preparing myself if she does go through with this to be served. I'd like to think she will communicate a bit more than that, but who knows.

She left her ring at home today.

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I am considering an option, would like to know what everyone thinks. She keeps pushing me for to go stay with family, doesn't want to be in the same house etc. Well, I'm not moving out until I have a job and can support myself. But I need to go to my grandfather's funeral near the end of October. W is leaving next week as I stated earlier to be with her family. What if I book my flight for when she returns home, which would be approx 2 weeks from the funeral. I would spend two weeks at home with family, with a return flight booked back. I can continue my schoolwork and job search from there (might have to fly for an interview but o well, it would be travel either way). If I still haven't gotten anything, I return home to the house and continue looking. I have been thinking about what Sandi said and I am worried the physical presence will do more harm than good. Maybe with some seriousness on my part about giving her space, she will cool a bit. I'm just worried she will run and file this week, and the time starts ticking. I need to get in some medical appointments before I lose insurance and who knows what else I'm not thinking of. I guess that won't really work if I leave anyway....Starting to panic...

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Well, she is very eager to get you out of that house, and since you are mainly dependent upon her job, you could be placing yourself in perilous situation........at least, mentally & emotionally. I don't think you've seen anything compared to what's in store when she goes back home to find you are still there. To be honest, I'm trying to figure out why you would want to be anywhere close to her. I noticed something when you were on the board last time, and I still see it. You really have not expressed your love for this woman. Working and maintaining a MR when you love one another is hard enough, but without love it would be a miserable way to live. I think being physically separated and going completely dark might help you think more clearly about your feelings and what you want to do going forward.

This is just me talking here. Unless you have a medical issue, then I would not stay with her just in order to get a checkup from the doctor. I would go stay with your parents until you completed your tests and found a job. If she files for a D, what difference would it make if you were there with her or with your parents? She's not going to be intimidated or hindered by your bodily presence in the house, b/c she doesn't love you. I am going to say something that has always been a puzzle for me. I never understood why a LBS wanted to be with someone who didn't love them, especially when they are mistreated by that person. I don't care how much I love this man of mine, if he told me he no longer loved me.........one of us would be gone before the week was over. We can't make someone love us, and if we stay for other reasons, I think the question would be "Is it worth it"? I think it's more of a business arrangement for you, and it has been ever since you stopped working so that you could focus on getting your Master's degree. If you had a mature woman at your side, it would be good and both of you would benefit from your hard work in the end. However, she's not mature and she shows signs of having mental/emotional issues and doesn't want help.

If I were in your shoes, and if she wanted to keep the house, I'd let her have it, just as long as it was understood (in writing) you were not responsible for it in shape or form. I would move wherever in the world I wanted to live (or could get a job grin ) and as far from her as I could get. There are actually good women out there that know to treat a man right. You are young, educated, have no children, and a future that is begging you to not settle for a relationship where you are not loved and abused. I think this is the time to cut all ties from her. You may find several reasons for staying with her, but if it were me, I'd have to ask myself if it is worth the abuse. I would have to ask myself a lot of questions about why I would stay with a person like your W. But this is not about me, it's your life to live. I just want to see you happy. ((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks, Sandi! It’s like you were writing that for me as well! Time to move on!

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Quote
I never understood why a LBS wanted to be with someone who didn't love them, especially when they are mistreated by that person.


For me I fully and truly committed to my marriage vows. The commitment was so deeply embedded in my heart and soul that I never considered leaving an option. The next part is all about my ego. It must be her mental/emotional issues and I said in sickness and in health so in my mind shouldn't I help her through the sickness. I never considered that she didn't actually love me. Not sure about 44tries2, but even now I have a hard time comprehending the fact that XW truly doesn't love or care about me at all. I am learning though. What I have found is whether she does or doesn't love me isn't really the point, she left and I wasn't given a choice but I can choose on how I want to move forward smile

I would agree with Sandi on this one 44tries2, it is time to cut ties and move on with your life.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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Thank you for all the support. Believe me, Sandi, I do love my W more than I could ever say here. I would not be here if not. And I also relate to rooskers, my vows were not a joke. I committed for life, and I meant it. But I care most about her happiness and if she does not love me and wants to be free, then that is the last act of love I can give, unconditionally.

She left today. I do not know where she is. She said she will stay elsewhere. My heart is utterly broken and I did not know it was possible to feel such pain. But I will pick up the pieces and move forward. Tomorrow.

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I know how rough it is, man. You are right in the thick of it. You’ve survived this in the past, and you will survive this time as well.

Keep working on detaching and realize that your W is in the fog right now. Not a damn thing you can do about it except leave her alone. That doesn’t mean she won’t possibly warm back up again. But for now, the best way to get her back is to let her go.

Something I’ve been trying to do is to view my relationship from an outsiders perspective. W has bombed me 4x now, does it really make sense for me to pine away all over again for her? Try zooming out and seeing your W from another lens. I know it’s easier said than done, but keep practicing.

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This is really helpful, T. It is very powerful to zoom out and see the objective view. Every single person who has supported me during this has said the exact same thing: It isn't anything to do with you, this is her personal issue. There is nothing I can about any of it and it does not make sense for me to even want to. Like you said, keep practicing is the key.

My emotions are in seizure mode. Detached and okay, then burning alive a half second later. It. is. horrible. I'm launching a massive job search today. I don't know how I'm going to do any of this but I am literally going to just force one foot in front of the other. I think if I really exert myself, I could finish the semester even if I get a full-time job. In reality, it will be just 8 weeks or so of a huge workload. Then, I can adjust accordingly next semester. I know once I have secured a job I want and have a new place, I will be able to actually breathe and think clearly and begin to heal/move on. That is the point where I will be okay. Until then, left foot, right foot.

Sandi, I thought a lot about you said about being puzzled by why LBSes want to be with someone who doesn't love them. I think it's because it is very difficult to believe we aren't loved. That is a tough thing to swallow to begin with, and all the harder when three weeks prior your spouse wrote you letters, sent you roses, or whatever they did. A major part of DB is recognizing that emotions are fleeting, feelings change. Yesterday they loved us, today they do not, tomorrow...who knows? I understand why that may not be enough. For people like Thornton and I who go through the cycle without relief, it is hard to argue that it is worth it. Unfortunately, it is very possible to deeply love someone who does not return that love. We are here in part to learn how to detach from it, make peace with it, and let it go dormant, maybe forever.

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W texted me, "I'm thinking maybe I'll come home today or tomorrow." "I don't want to freak the dogs out anymore I know they don't like me leaving."

I am feeling very overwhelmed. I have been revamping my resume and LinkedIn etc today. Job searching is daunting and I feel unprepared and not confident. I feel like I am desperate and have to take the first thing that comes. W has not explicitly kicked me out, but I do not know what her message was by leaving last night. She can't stay under the same roof...but only for one night? She apparently has no patience and I have no idea how long this process will take me. I do not want to force my presence here and make her hate me even more. Sandi liked the idea to stay with family, I can book my flight for after W's return from her family. But I do NOT want to be stuck there. I will literally be crashing on the couch. I am job searching in this state (4.5hr drive from where I live now, where I lived before meeting W), not the one my family lives in. I would have to fly to interviews. I feel I cannot spend any money now because it is "W's". All of this is happening so fast and it's hard enough to breathe as it is...

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