Glad your son is okay. Idt it’s weird, especially when that first shift happens, but it’s something to work on. It’s hard to see glimpses or pieces of their old selves and in some ways things are easier when they’re angry. Like the rest of this experience, this will get better with time.
I have a couple of thoughts I will share with you.
Originally Posted by tadpole1025
Weird that she would say it since I thought she wanted to erase that chapter of her life and anything that had to do with me or my family....
It’s not that they want to erase - they need too. They are driven too.
Her seeming like her old self would be difficult. I can see how one may not be sure if they like it. Which is the crux of your question.
Originally Posted by tadpole1025
Is it weird to maybe wish that she was still angry?
No, it seems reasonable.
Her becoming less angry is a change. And change is resisted. Even good change. It ushers in a new normal which requires establishing new balances and viewpoints. Most people like routine; they like their already established routines.
Her being angry was also an established trait, kind of defining, in the relationship between her and you; and you and her. And by the way those two views are different.
With a change of her, it will have (or has) started an affect on your emotions regarding her. It still hurts to see the old her. If her less angry version is more and more prevalent, you fear you will feel more and more hurt, therefore you wish she was still angry.
Wishes, hopes, and expectations are our desires expressed in a spectrum from unlikely fantasy to expected reality. Your wishing she was still angry is a desire. I doubt it is the only one regarding her emotional state and wellbeing.
It’s ok to hope she could get better and wish she wouldn’t. It’s ok to have conflicting desires.
Tad, you are a strong compassionate guy. Find the strength to embrace this change. While finding the compassion to resolve the conflict.
Take care.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi Tad - glad to hear that your son is doing ok after the emergency.
I think that the anger - on both sides - is a protective cover that is used to distance one person from another. I've not had any contact from my ex in years but can't imagine that she has been able to sustain deep anger any more than I have myself.
As kyh says, It's easy to demonize someone where there is that haze of anger. Catching glimpses of the person we used to love is undoubtedly tough.
Does it mean that they've changed? Hard to say. Personally I'm not a believer in the concept of MLC although we certainly see what appears to be some mental illness in some of the former spouses that we attribute to MLC.
I like to believe that the "whole" person is the one represented by all of their actions even when they have acted out of character. When married, many of us glossed over things like selfishness and entitlement until things really hit the fan and then that's all we saw. The other person though is also still there too - part of the whole.
Sorry that I don't have anything concrete to add.
Hope the cats are doing well. One of mine is currently determined that my hand should be petting her and not typing.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Seems totally normal to me. It seems to hurt less if they are angry and crazy because we can understand that it's not personal. The thought that they would become normal again and not be remorseful and even want to return, that hurts more. But without remorse, they aren't their old selves unless we were dead wrong about their old selves.
Last edited by Gerda; 02/13/2006:47 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
As for the xw and her being normal...could be she was having a moment of clarity, but let's hope she continues to act like a normal human being and not some angry individual.
Like most of them suffering a crisis, they start out being very angry and the anger hangs around throughout the crisis. They are angry at the work, angry at themselves and yes, even angry at us. For some, they do finally settle down and begin to act like rational individuals. We, the lbs, have had to deal w/that anger from them for many months, even years, and when the settle down, it truly is a shift in behavior and one that we are very leary of because we don't know how to react to this new behavior.
I wouldn't over analyze her behavior...just be thankful that she was rational and kind enough to keep you apprised of your son's medical condition. Life is far too short to over analyzie their every word or behavior.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
First of all, I'm very sorry for your son's situation, but grateful it resolved. As to your question, last time I saw my exh he was so much the man I married that I was messed up for a few weeks. I can only speak for myself, but the fact that he would return to being the man I love without returning to me is painful.
Of course, his behavior since has shown that the return was fleeting at best, if at all.
That's my take.. Good to 'see' you Tad. How are the fur babies?
Happy Valentine's Day!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I guess I'm glad that she seems "normal", but it also hurts to see her that way because it is more in line with who she used to be.
I hate to say it, but when she is angry, bitter and spewing, it is actually EASIER on me, because it makes it easy for me to want nothing to do with her.
Blehhh.
Cutting this short because as a new cat dad, it's almost impossible to get anything done on the computer.
Last edited by tadpole1025; 02/15/2001:51 AM.
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Been inside a lot with this shutdown. Thankfully, I'm still working. I'm not working from home though because what I do, means it is essential for me to be on site. I go out for work and groceries. That's it. I'm just so thankful to have a job.
I heard from XW a few weeks back. She has had a chronic cough for years that usually flares up when she is upset or in a high stress situation. When she first started her crisis, she blamed the cough on me. (Of course.) She still has it. (Imagine that.)
Anyways, the exchange was short:
XW: "Hi, I hate to bother you but do you know approximately what year I started having a chronic cough? I'm going to a specialist at Mayo."
ME: "If I had to guess, maybe 2008. Maybe earlier."
XW: "Ok, thank you very much."
ME: "Yeah."
I didn't ask questions because frankly, I just don't care anymore. I thought about being a jerk to her, but didn't. No point. I'm done. Interestingly, she still has the cough....the cough that she blamed on me.
A couple of other things:
Years ago, I suspected that she was on this site reading my stuff. It was a thought that was very brief. I wondered about it and then forgot about it. Lately, I've started wondering about it again. Just a feeling that maybe she is on here reading my stuff. The funny thing is, I have absolutely nothing to base this on. Just a feeling, but a strong one. Maybe just my paranoia.
Also, I think it may be time for me to leave this site soon. I've tried before, but always end up coming back for some reason. I will post a formal goodbye later. I'm not leaving yet, but think that I should soon. I just don't have much to contribute anymore and my situation is pretty much "over." Plus, in October, it will be ten years since this all began for me. TEN YEARS....hard to believe.
Anyways, that's it for now.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Wow, Tad. Ten years is a long time. You have been a trooper. I just started this path. I can't imagine it in 10 years. I'll be almost 61 then. I am just living day by day. It's good that you have distanced yourself from all the prior pain. You are giving yourself the gift of freedom and your own life back. Good for you. I am sorry for whatever pain you experienced. I enjoyed reading about your fur babies and that you are moving on in life. Be well.
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Years ago, I suspected that she was on this site reading my stuff. It was a thought that was very brief. I wondered about it and then forgot about it. Lately, I've started wondering about it again. Just a feeling that maybe she is on here reading my stuff. The funny thing is, I have absolutely nothing to base this on. Just a feeling, but a strong one. Maybe just my paranoia.
Also, I think it may be time for me to leave this site soon. I've tried before, but always end up coming back for some reason. I will post a formal goodbye later. I'm not leaving yet, but think that I should soon. I just don't have much to contribute anymore and my situation is pretty much "over." Plus, in October, it will be ten years since this all began for me. TEN YEARS....hard to believe.
Anyways, that's it for now.
Tad
Follow your gut re: your strong feelings.
You could always move over to Surviving the Big D ... we'd love to have you!! xoxo stay safe.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
