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#2865163 09/12/19 09:32 PM
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Previous Thread:

You guys aren't going to believe this 5

Hi Everyone,

I'm back. For those of you who don't remember me, I was able to reconcile with my W two times using DB principles.

Unfortunately, I'm recognizing alot of the same signs that W is ready to leave again. Honestly, part of me is embarrassed that I'm back here as I have been to h@ll and back with my W.

W and I have been reconciled for about 2 years now, living together for the past year, raising her D12 (who I view as my own since she was 3 years old).

Things were going very well when W moved back from another state after she left me. She claimed she had completed therapy and was able to figure out why she tends to run when things get tough. She promised me she was here to stay and promised her D12 that there would be no more breakups.

Fast forward to a few months ago. W is stressed at work, sometimes to the point of tears, I'm depressed working a job that I hate, and we are drinking alot of alcohol. We seem to have distanced from each other, sex became non-existent and we were saving money to buy a home.

Two weeks ago, she comes home and seems down. I ask her what is wrong and she tells me she has given up on us getting married and buying a house (We are common law married but she wants to actually get married). I tell her we've only been back together for a year and that we should be working on cementing our relationship after our last breakup. She tells me we've been together for 8 years and I should be over that stuff by now. A fight ensues and we eventually work things out.

Last night she came home and had the same sad look. I asked her what's wrong and she said her dad might have some sort of cancer on his tonsils, and that her sister was diagnosed with MS. On top of that, her D12 is depressed and exhibiting signs of cutting herself. She then says things with me are different and she doesnt know if she wants to continue our relationship.

***Side Note - W went off her anti-depressents abruptly about a month and half ago as she hated paying for them. She is also extremely worried about her dad, sister, and daughter.***

I've already implemented the LRT as there is no sense talking to her when she is like this. SHe will literally assign the blame for everything on me and tell me all the things I do wrong. But she will not own or admit anything that she has done.

Considering that we have had several breaks, most everyone is telling me to let her go. But I still love this woman regardless. We have so much history and many good times shared.

In any case, I'm hurting like crazy. Thanks for reading.

Thorn

Last edited by job; 09/12/19 09:38 PM. Reason: edited language and added link to previous thread
Thornton #2865181 09/12/19 11:01 PM
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Of course I remember you Thorn! Sorry you are here again. Another cycle...right? It seems you all fall down to a recurrent cycling inertia.

Remember this: once a Dber always a DBer. What things are you doing to improve your MR? You need a 180. You both come back to comfort zones. You need to see further than that. You need to have projects, you need to GAL. Depression kicks in if you only manage to stay afloat. You need to swim man.

How´s GAL going? How´s Ws GAL going?

Sorry you are here man. Glad you are here.

Start walking again.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
neffer #2865207 09/13/19 03:19 AM
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Good to see you again, Neffer.

Yes the cycle repeats. Regarding GAL, I plan on getting out with friends after work tomorrow. I’m not sure about W, she isn’t talking to me at the moment.

I’m at a loss because W wants to leave again and has once again made me out to be some sort of demon. Listening to her talk about me, you would think I’m some sort of monster. I’m far from perfect, but I don’t understand W’s thinking at all. This is exactly what she did the last time she left me.

Everyone who knows us is shocked (again). W once again told my mom she’s done tonight. I’ve told my mom to stop inquiring with W to get her thoughts on things.

I cannot believe I find myself in this situation again, it’s just so painful. Part of me feel ashamed that I’m here again. I feel spineless as a result.

W is still living with me but plans on leaving, she has no timetable so I’m not sure what to really do at this point.

Thornton #2865212 09/13/19 06:40 AM
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T,

I went back at looked at your last post from 2017. Why did you leave the board while piecing? Did you go to MC? My guess is when she moved away it wasn’t what she expected so she returned to her safety net. You guys never addressed your main issues and now are back to your equilibrium.

I am also guessing that you didn’t work on yourself and learn your value as in individual. Your only response to her telling you she’s leaving should be “ do you need help packing your bags”?

If during piecing the other person is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work it usually doesn’t last and it’s easier to just start another relationship.

I know that’s not what you want to hear but that is the reality. You can ignore reality but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

Sorry to see you back.

Thornton #2865219 09/13/19 12:10 PM
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Isn’t willing

Thornton #2865222 09/13/19 01:11 PM
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Hi LH,

W and I were separated for over a year living in different states. We both attended IC counseling during that time. Eventually she reached out and we began a friendship which culminated in her eventually moving back to my state.

W was willing to do whatever it took to reconnect. She really invested in counseling, books, seminars etc and worked on her issues that in her words "cause her to run" when times get difficult. Alas, here we are again.

This time around is very similar to the previous times she had decided to leave. She drops the bomb on me, then appears relieved, then avoids every room I'm in and then starts going out with her sister and friends. In fact, she is going to spend the night at her sisters house this weekend and they are going to some evening ball. I saw her suitcase packed with her evening gown and heels this morning and that created some anxiety for me. Her D12 will be going along with her.

It's only been a few days since BD so everything is still fresh for me. I really need to catch up on some sleep this weekend as I haven't slept at all lately. I'm so exhausted.

Thanks for checking in LH.

Thorn

Thornton #2865224 09/13/19 01:58 PM
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Hi Thornton,

sorry you're here (again).

If you're W has not changed for good, not grown past those things that got you here last time, then of course that's why you're back in this spot. If she doesn't hurt enough to grown and change, then you won't ever make a lasting relationship.

All of that is out of your hands...wooooooossaaa. Breathe. Change your focus, control your life and happiness.

You got this.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thornton #2865226 09/13/19 02:01 PM
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Hi Ovrrnbw,

Thanks for posting on my sitch. I'm curious what you mean by my W experiencing enough hurt to grow and change, can you clarify?

THorn

Thornton #2865233 09/13/19 02:24 PM
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I think Job said it in the MLC forum, hopefully I'm not misquoting.

Quote
People only change when the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same


While this isn't 100% true it's probably 95% true. Has she had enough of the old ways to make a lasting change that will affect your R in a meaningful way?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thornton #2865234 09/13/19 02:25 PM
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OK, thanks for clarifying. I don't know if she has had enough of her old ways, she blames me for everything. Literally, everything.

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