This is my first post on this board despite BD being almost 3 years ago. My H would appear to be in the minority as I’ve never uncovered any kind of affair. He filed for D Nov 17 and moved out Dec 17 a day before our 7 year wedding anniversary. He’s been through the usual, change in how he dresses, lots of holidays abroad, spewing, tantrums and complete personality change etc. He’s calmed down loads this year and started to show signs of his old self on occasions but we are clearly far from done as today has shown whilst at mediation. It was revealed to me today that he has dropped his legal representation and hasn’t been using them for sometime as he wasn’t really happy with them. What a surprise. We have been having months of mediation and now he’s realised that it’s time to find a new lawyer as he doesn’t like anything that I’m asking for in the settlement. The mediator is pushing to try and bring this to an end but he just keeps putting up blocks. 2 years ago he was desperate to have this D and yet his efforts are so half hearted. Why on earth do they insist on a D only to then drag it out. He goes on about wanting to move on with his life but then leaves everything hanging. It’s like he puts in just enough effort to make it seem like he’s cooperating when in-fact he’s doing nothing. Will this ever come to an end?
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
The mediator is pushing to try and bring this to an end but he just keeps putting up blocks. 2 years ago he was desperate to have this D and yet his efforts are so half hearted
Reasons why they stall: 1) The paperwork is too much hassle (they want the "zipless" divorce where everything magically goes their way without them having to do any work). 2) There's a financial benefit to them to stalling the divorce (they're reluctant to part with a chunk of change they'll have to give you, or what they're giving you now is less than what they'll owe in support with a divorce) 3) They want to keep you as Plan B in case their fantasies of a different life don't work out 4) They're in denial about the financial realities of divorce and keep changing lawyers in hopes of finding one who will tll them what they want to hear instead of the truth about what they will owe you. 5) There's an OW who is pushing them to marry and they're using the excuse that they can't get YOU to finish the divorce as a way to keep the OW off their back.
Oh - and yes, most likely he had an affair even if you didn't discover it. Maybe only liaisons with foreign prostitutes, or an online long distance affair, or rarely they were a closeted homosexual. Also rarely there was a simple addiction (drugs or gambling) instead of an affair. But I'd say 98% of WAHs here have had an affair, and he shows the typical sxs otherwise.
Kml thank you for your very interesting insight. It’s great to finally find someone answers to my endless questions after all this time and it’s certainly very much appreciated. Is it good or bad that I’m neither surprised or upset at the possibility of H having had an A, emotional or otherwise? I think I’m actually reaching a point of not caring.
To any newbies who are unfortunately joining so many of us on this journey I just want to say that despite how it feels or looks it does get easier and you will get through this. 2 1/2 years ago my life felt like it was falling apart and I was literally terrified of what lay ahead. But even though you can’t see it now you will be ok and you will get your life back on track. I promise you, you will be ok sooner than you realise. Our WAS on the other hand, who knows what awaits them. But Karma always bites back.
Now I just need to wait and see if H actually does get himself a new lawyer without the threat of court action. I really do hope so.
I think KML said the main possibilities of why the MLC er stalls and we do see this kind of thing a lot
I tend to wonder if they are really done when they dont push the D through but many times they cant seem to come back either
they are just confused and lost they get a glimpse of the new life and of course they remain unhappy--so they probebly wonder did they do the right thing
You on the other hand- seem fine and grounded one day--they follow through or we do-
mine waited about 2 years, and he was with OW then I got served and he went through with D and M OW I was surprised to see him marry her so quickly-
hang in-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace today thank you. She probably pushed him to marry so quickly as deep down she was probably terrified that he would change his mind and leave her to.
I don’t know and probably never will his reasons for delaying but I’m almost at a point where I don’t think I want to stand anymore, time is passing and my life is moving on.
I think many of us here, give it the time 2-5 years of healing and seeing where our H land--
We all have needs and choices and if our H cant step back in the R after a reasonable healing time- We can make the choice for them But some want to stand for longer and hold on to the vows and that is fine too It is a personal choice
It seems the hardest part is over...the path to acceptance that this M may be over for good-
good luck
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Well for whatever reason I've been unable to post so I'm trying again.
H has been fairly quiet on the activity front since mediation. I am however still waiting for him to sign the paperwork for the solicitors who are dealing with the house, If it actually sells. I guess sighning two pages is just way to much work for his busy schedule.
Today is the 2 year anniversary since BD2 , it's over and I want a divorce. I had actually forgotten all about it until this evening so that's an improvement on last year. December will be 3 years since BD1 so we'll see how I deal with that come then. I was hoping by this point it would be slightly clearer as to where on tis journey he is but unfortunately not. Although his reply antics seem to have more or less become a distant memory and he's been showing signs of depression more so lately. I couldn't believe how scruffy he looked the other day, really not his thing and he's replaced his usual aftershave with the rather unpleasant aroma of BO. The man I married would have died of shame if he smelt of anything other than his Paul Smith Aftershave. But as my Ic has pointed out it's not my job to worry about him. I need to look after me and our D.
On another positive note it's my Birthday this weekend and for the first time in 2 years I'm actually looking forward to it. I've also registered to do a Baby yoga instructors course and I passed my first assignment this week so that's really positive as if I pass I will be able to work for myself running as many classes as I want when I want giving me more time with D and cutting my childcare costs down. I will also be able to earn more money than I currently do which is such a relief.
So now I just have to see If H turns up in November to our next mediation session with a Solicitor ready on the other end of the phone or if he'll play dumb and clear he hadn't realised he needed to. I am sceptical as he claims to have a new one but hasn't provided any details and they seem to be available for absolutely any date we arrange the session for. Strange as mine has to fit it around her other clients oddly enough. I guess we'll see what we see when it's time.
congrats on the baby yoga class and passing first assignment what a great idea!
Watching the mlc is quite confusing as they do seem to let themselves go and get totally pulled into a world of darkness usually very different from the original spouse
you are doing fabulous--keep moving and the D will be over soon Many seem to find strategies to keep us on the line but in the end--we get out and move on to a better place and healthier R
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So today was my birthday, my third without H, and it was actually really nice. I wasn’t looking forward to it as the last two were not really that great as I spent them mostly on my own with either zero or very little acknowledgement of the day from H. The first one he had ended things 4 days before and my parents were away so it sucked. Then the second one H spent the day with D who was 4 at ours ish. They came and went throughout the day and he didn’t left it up to my parents to help d get me a present. This meant he basically ignored the significants of the day and didn’t even wish me a happy Birthday. But this year we have ever so slight progress. He took D to get me a card and gift and he wished me a happy Birthday as he left last night. Well knock me down with a feather. He spent most of yesterday going on about how they had got me something but how D had chosen it and then this morning d told me that H had suggested gifts to get me and had picked the card. 😱 So perhaps he is still progressing after all. I also received a card off my father in law which was a lovely surprise. He hasn’t sent me a birthday or Christmas card since h left. I’ve had the odd text but nothing in at least 6 months. I sent him a thank you text and had a lovely reply back. I have no idea why he’s suddenly started to send me cards but it’s nice as we always got along so well and I do miss him.
All that aside my family and D have given me their time today and we have done some lovely things and my night out with my friends was really lovely. I don’t think it could have been any better.
On a more annoying note my friends are trying to arrange a weekend away for one of their birthdays and this means H will have to have D for a couple of nights. It’s very simple, I’m going and I will have to book it so why the hell does can you have D have to be replied to by h with “ we’ll see. Anything can happen between now and Feb”. What??? It’s only 16 weeks away so I kind of need a yes or a no. And as it’s a weekend and he doesn’t work weekends I don’t see it being that difficult. Seriously what ???? I haven’t actually said who I’m going away with and he was really probing d today about what we spent the day doing. I don’t know if he’s thinking that I might have someone else or if he’s just being difficult on purpose but either way if I want to go I’m going. I’ve not been away for one single night without my d and just my friends since before he left. I’m doing it so whatever it is that he thinks might change it would need to fairly huge and probably unforeseen. Sorry rant over! 😂 Now onto the Ice cream and film because tomorrow I’m back to work.
