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A Message from Michele
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Re: I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating [Re: JC08] #2882616
01/27/20 09:54 PM
01/27/20 09:54 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 52
J
JC08 Offline OP
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JC08  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 52
So the weekend- my daughter had 2 basketball games on Saturday, she did not feel the best and seemed sluggish. Typically, like all people, kids especially, she doesn't feel good, she becomes short tempered and what not. So after the games are over I'm leaving with my kids (it was my weekend) and my W tries talking to our daughter that just got done playing ball. My daughter kinda snaps at her, she's 10, she's a girl (lol), she doesn't feel good, and she didn't have a good game and she knows it. Plus this situation hasn't been the easiest for her. Anyway she snaps back at my Wife's questions with something like I'm terrible at basketball, the coach hates me, ECT. Well my wife says something to her about calming down and my daughter responds with you don't care about me you only care about Steve (the OM) now I was a little ways behind them on the sidewalk with my other kids, so I couldn't hear everything. Basically my W grabs her by the arm and gets angry, tells our daughter she's not going to speak to her that way, my daughter doubles down with,"it's true!". My W let's lets her go and walks off towards her car. I figure she about to cry. Anyway, I get the kids in the my truck, tell my oldest to sit down, get buckled up and that she will not speak to her parents that way and I'll deal with her in a second. My W parked two spots over, I walk over, she's bawling, I just tell her that our daughter is 10, she's going to spew things, that she says things like that to me also.

So I get her de-escalated and probably provided more comforting than I should have. Truthfully I think my W acted selfishly for some what typical 10 year old being upset does. I think she shouldn't have pushed her, or walked off the way she did. I think she should expect some comments from our daughter like that. I mean we seperated and in 3 months you are introducing our kids to the OM. I kinda feel like telling her that a lot got dumped on this family and the kids and essentially you are instantly introducing them to him and his kids? I don't think that is putting them first, thats putting your wants first. Maybe I'm wrong with that but it's how I feel. Then kinda like when we were together, I comforted her and then dealt with talking to and doing the discipline of the kids. You just reaffirm to our daughter that she can say something mean and she can get under your skin and you'll just walk off instead of dealing with it. Additionally, did she not think all this could happen without being negative consequences with kids and their attitudes and actions?

She text me later and thanked me for talking to her and calming her down. I didn't respond. Heck I wasn't even sure that I should have done it, part of me thinks I should have loaded up the kids and left without talking to her. Actually I'm sure that is probably what you guys will tell me that is what I should have done.

Then today she's asking me to change schedule again for tomorrow morning, I just respond that I would rather not change our current schedule. Then she told me she applied for a new job and asked if I would be flexible enough to make the schedule work. I would like to respond that we have a schedule now(it's 50/50) but she is the one changing the schedule but it's not my responsibility to conform to her changes. I mean yes I will work with her but I want to relay that I'm not just going to change everything for her schedule because it's easier for me to do so. Currently, she doesn't even have the job, not does she know what the schedule is going to be, so not sure how anything can be discussed anyway.

On a side note, she going back to a job like she had 4 years ago. She'll work every other weekend until 7, and her weekdays will be until 8. Currently no weekends, can come and go as she pleases, off at 5, 6+ weeks vacation. This will dramatically cut into the little fantasy life her and OM have been having. Currently almost every weekend she doesn't have the kids they go somewhere. Now every weekend she doesn't work she'll have the kids, then not be available until 8 and the weekdays she works she'll have the kids. Going to dramatically change their pattern. I know I lived it for 6 years before she switched jobs. That was where so many bad habits got formed I think. She didn't get home until 830, kids were basically going to bed, I had done all the picking them up, baths suppers, got them around in the morning because she had to leave earlier, and of course did all the drop offs at school and daycare. Then on top of that, everyother weekend it was just me and the kids until 6:30 or 7 of Saturday and Sunday. I was always the one to take off work and make arrangements because her schedule was not flexible. That's all coming back, only, she's not going to have me. Maybe she doesn't remember how much that schedule sucked because she wasn't the one at home figuring all that out,I do though, and as the kids are getting older the schedules are just getting busier.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
Re: I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating [Re: JC08] #2882953
01/29/20 05:19 PM
01/29/20 05:19 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 52
J
JC08 Offline OP
Member
JC08  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 52
I would love to hear opinions on the above interaction. Im really trying to detach, not let her actions or emotions affect me, but it is difficult for me. 16 years of always being there to comfort her and take care of things for her. Yes in some regards I helped create her selfishness in our relationship. It's not an excuse for my actions, but I bent over backwards for her, her schedule, her wants, and mine always got pushed to the rear. I took the cowardly way by finding appreciation and validation from someone else instead of making her step up and us having real conversations with solutions that got implemented, but I didn't. Now I feel she's on that same selfish path and I'm still doing a good job of letting her dominate my schedule, my priorities, and I find it a hard thing to stop, but I think I'm realizing it, and starting to do a better job of setting boundaries.

With this job change if her schedule is close to how it use to be, it's going to be a nightmare with the split household. It will be a ever changing schedule, it will mess up my kids set patterns again, only much worse during the week. She has to know that the schedule is going to be a challenge, she keeps asking me if we can be flexible enough with our schedules to make it work. 1.) You don't even know what your schedule is going to be, so I am not going to give the blanket answer if yes. 2.) Remember, you decided that a life without me and the OM was a better option. Your work schedule and how to handle kids schedules during HER time is no longer my responsibility. Before this, her schedule dominated my schedule, I'm sure she expects the same now. 3.) She made this decision to change jobs and screw up a good/easy kid schedule. She made the decision to remove me as her husband, therefore removed my responsibilities towards her, her schedule, my life and my schedule is now my priority. 4.) I feel like us somewhat a selfish decision, her current job hit some difficulty, instead if staying and getting things straightened out, she's running off for greener pastures. The reason we/she made the job change 4 years ago was because retail work is a horrible schedule for families. Her current job, is great/perfect for a family. Flexible, no weekends or evenings, and lots of vacation that can be used at will. And she knows that but wants to make sure I'm still going to be there to simplify things for HER!

The more I think about it, the madder I get. Remember, you fired me, this is not my obligation or responsibility. My responsibility is to take care of my kids on my scheduled days. I shouldn't have to change schedules or be flexible to accommodate her schedule. I know I always have, I'm sure that is what she expects, and truthfully it's going to be hard for me not to just do what I've always done, but dammit divorce has consequences.

I seen this advice somewhere and I saved it, seems like a lot of truth to it when I apply it to my wife and things she has said.

It is an approved maxim in war, never do what the enemy wishes you to do, for this reason alone he desires it.- Napoleon I


She wishes you to be amicable and cooperate.

She wishes you to be neglectful of her emotional needs. It fuels and justifies her decisions.

She wishes you have angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments. It fuels and justifies her decisions.

She wishes you to be needy, clingy, depressed and pathetic. It fuels and justifies her decisions.

And most of all, she wishes you will keep the adultery, "Your little secret."

Go with Napoleon on this one.

She does this so you will go quietly into the night and become a "friendly" co-parent and support and enable her adultery.

Don't fall for this. She is just buying time with it. Let her know that if this is her plan, her "friend" is about to become the equivalent of a pissed off wounded Grizzly Bear. And she's the one who stuck it in the ass with a penknife.

There is a very common theme among the many former wayward wives that this board is so blessed to have. That is, the beginning of their wake up call from this self imposed nightmare began when their betrayed husbands manned-up, stood up and in no uncertain terms proudly made it firm and clear, that there is no room for another man in his life or his kid's life.

Wayward wives have NO respect for their betrayed husbands. Start getting that back today.

So is my current outlook with my situation completely off base? Am I just being bitter and vindictive? Or am I starting to realize that bending over backwards is what she wants, what I have always done, and helped get me to this spot and that behavior needs to stop and me start making my needs and life a priority, not hers.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
Re: I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating [Re: JC08] #2883017
01/29/20 09:54 PM
01/29/20 09:54 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,085
San Antonio, Texas
J
joejoe1 Offline
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joejoe1  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,085
San Antonio, Texas
J,

Dealing with the schedule. If she doesn't have the job yet, then ignore her request to discuss it. Second, if her new schedule doesn't work with yours and you'll already have a custody agreement in place, I would just rely on that.

What happened with your daughter, next time if you see that, calmly walk up to your WW and say, "this is neither the time or place for this". Take your daughter walk her to the car, and tell them, "I will be right back". Then, discipline your WW, something to the effect of, "I understand what our daughter said was hurtful, but you are her parent and an adult, under no instances should you treat her that way". And walk away, your job is not to comfort her no more. She has made her decisions, it's time for her to live with them. Your actions in this moment is important. First, it shows your daughter, that you will protect and you love her, no matter what (girls need to see their father protect them). Second, it shows your WW, that you will protect your kids, and you are not going to just allow her to act any way she wants.

Lastly, Don't be yourself up. Your were taking care of your family (what a man is suppose to do). Your WW took you for granted. It's her lost and your need to start acting like it. You don't have to pick her back up every time she falls (She's humpy dumpty and she's on her wall, stop waiting for her too fall). She has fired you from that job. If you got fired from a job, would you go back trying to ensure that job was still being taken care of, or would you look for another job and then start focusing on your new job. I bet you would start focusing on your new job. That new job you need to focus on now is, YOU and your kids! You are special and worth more than the universe can spend.

You will have down days, you will faulter, but just remember to get back up. Healing is=giving up the ability to change the past. You can't change the past so stop trying!!!

Onward and forward.

Joejoe


M:36 W:35
T:9 M:8
S15, S11, S8, S3
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating [Re: JC08] #2884355
02/06/20 08:56 PM
02/06/20 08:56 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 52
J
JC08 Offline OP
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JC08  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 52
Text conversation between me and WW today:

Me: School sent slips home for parent teachers conferences. Kids conferences are from 6 to 6:30, does this time work for you?

W: Yes

Me: Okay I will e-mail the teachers and tell them to schedule those times for you and get mine arranged.

W: We can't go at the same time?
W: Are you that dysfunctional?
W: I'm not trying to be a pain but can you really not sit with our girls teachers and hear how they are doing?

Me: I'm just arranging things to work with my schedule. I did let the teachers know those times worked for you.

W: So are we going together or not?

Me: No, I'm making arrangements that work for me.

W: You sound like white trash. Why can't you stand me?

Me: I'm sorry you think I can't stand you, I don't feel that way. Last time you only went to one conference and I was the only one to set up my own conference for the teacher that cancelled. I did not realize it was an issue to you, I'm sorry you feel like me arranging conferences to my schedule was against you.

W: I think having separate conferences is like we are not mature enough to put our kids first before ourselves. We don't have to get along, I would prefer we did, but we are 4 girls parents.


I did not reply to the last message. First off I don't feel like anything that she is doing is putting the kids first, I mean her personal mantra she has repeated through this process has been over and over, "I choose to pick myself and what I wanted first, I picked ME!". Secondly, there has not been much done to make sure we could get along, you repeatedly blame me for everything, make snide comments, and bring the OM up all the time. Third, the last parents teachers conference she missed 2 of the 3 and was late to the final one because she was having boudoir photos taken for the OM (with the gift certificate I bought her at a charity auction 6 months before you left me for OM). Lastly we have routinely not gone together to this because one of us stayed home with kids to do supper/homework/baths, ect. The meeting is more of a formality as the teachers keep in good contact with a school app and always let us know how progress is and they reach out anytime there are concerns, which there are none with any of kids, with neither grades or behavior in school.

Is this a decent example of validating and not allowing myself to get drug into an argument? I feel like she argues and justifies whatever position she takes and expects me to comply otherwise I'm acting like white trash and I'm being dysfunctional.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
Re: I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating [Re: JC08] #2884360
02/06/20 09:08 PM
02/06/20 09:08 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,893
S
Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Posts: 6,893
Overall well handled. Probably could have cut it short, especially since she was disrespecting you.

Just one question, why were you arranging Parent Teacher conference times for her? If you were going on your own, why not just setup times that work for you and leave her fend for herself?


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating [Re: JC08] #2884366
02/06/20 09:20 PM
02/06/20 09:20 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 52
J
JC08 Offline OP
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JC08  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 52
The School sent home slips with the times they had scheduled for the kids. If the times work you mark a box or email them and let them know. If not then you contact the teachers and make other arrangements.

I had the girls the night the slips got sent home, I just was giving her the option of taking those times and me setting up different one or if those times didn't work for her I would have taken them and let her do her own. So when I was arranging my times the teachers were asking about the times they had already sent and I was just making sure to keep everyone on the same page I guess.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
Re: I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating [Re: JC08] #2884368
02/06/20 09:32 PM
02/06/20 09:32 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,893
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,893
Originally Posted by JC08
The School sent home slips with the times they had scheduled for the kids. If the times work you mark a box or email them and let them know. If not then you contact the teachers and make other arrangements.

I had the girls the night the slips got sent home, I just was giving her the option of taking those times and me setting up different one or if those times didn't work for her I would have taken them and let her do her own. So when I was arranging my times the teachers were asking about the times they had already sent and I was just making sure to keep everyone on the same page I guess.


So you are her secretary?

JC, what I am trying to get you to see that you reached out to her about something that if you weren't going to attend with her didn't need to be done. LBSs reach out to the WASs for a variety of reasons. Sometimes using something like this is just an excuse to reach out to the WAS. Sometimes it is a way to passive-aggressively let them know that you will be attending separately. Etc.

At most, you should have sent her the slips with the girls. Setup your own times to talk to their teachers, and not worried about what she did with the slips.

Do you know why you chose this particular path?


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating [Re: JC08] #2884370
02/06/20 09:47 PM
02/06/20 09:47 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,441
Colorado
R
Ready2Change Offline
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Ready2Change  Offline
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R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,441
Colorado
Not following your sitch. Just my two cents:

Originally Posted by JC08
Text conversation between me and WW today:

Me: School sent slips home for parent teachers conferences. Kids conferences are from 6 to 6:30, does this time work for you?

W: Yes

Me: Okay I will e-mail the teachers and tell them to schedule those times for you and get mine arranged.

That would have ended it.

or

ME:School sent slips home for parent teachers conferences. Kids conferences are from 6 to 6:30. Next blabladay.

You made your plans. Informed her. She does what she does.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating [Re: JC08] #2884372
02/06/20 10:05 PM
02/06/20 10:05 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,441
Colorado
R
Ready2Change Offline
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Ready2Change  Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,441
Colorado
Originally Posted by JC08

W: I think having separate conferences is like we are not mature enough to put our kids first before ourselves. We don't have to get along, I would prefer we did, but we are 4 girls parents.


I did not reply to the last message. First off I don't feel like anything that she is doing is putting the kids first, I mean her personal mantra she has repeated through this process has been over and over, "I choose to pick myself and what I wanted first, I picked ME!". Secondly, there has not been much done to make sure we could get along, you repeatedly blame me for everything, make snide comments, and bring the OM up all the time. Third, the last parents teachers conference she missed 2 of the 3 and was late to the final one because she was having boudoir photos taken for the OM (with the gift certificate I bought her at a charity auction 6 months before you left me for OM). Lastly we have routinely not gone together to this because one of us stayed home with kids to do supper/homework/baths, ect. The meeting is more of a formality as the teachers keep in good contact with a school app and always let us know how progress is and they reach out anytime there are concerns, which there are none with any of kids, with neither grades or behavior in school.

Is this a decent example of validating and not allowing myself to get drug into an argument?
Not responding was a great decision.

Keep fighting that urge to respond. Keep things as short as possible to get the message across. Use the simplest words.

Here is how I would validate you:

You sound frustrated. Maybe a little angry. Is this how you felt at the end of your convo with the mother?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating [Re: JC08] #2884373
02/06/20 10:07 PM
02/06/20 10:07 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 52
J
JC08 Offline OP
Member
JC08  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 52
I see what you are saying. I guess since I had the kids when the slips came home I felt I was responsible to let her know slips came home so she could either take those times or set up her own. Yes I see now that I could have emailed her copies of them or sent with kids, set up my own times, and let her do whatever she wanted with the schedules. I'm just guessing that she would have asked the same questions she did today, which would have required no response from me.

I don't feel like I did this out of a sense of control or passive aggressiveness but maybe I did without consciously thinking that was what I was doing.

I do not think that I was searching for a reason to reach out to her, she sends me many text messages about things that I don't see as necessary nor that need an answer and I do not respond. I usually have anxiety when I know I'm going to have to have interactions with her, so I steer clear as possible. The less interaction (text or personal) I have with her the better emotional stability I have, so I really don't think I'm searching for a way to reach out.

Guess that leaves me with either trying to have a sense of control or still feeling like I have certain responsibilities towards her, both of which I don't.

I am learning that I am a slow learner with this whole process!


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
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