I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating

[JC08]

What is the WW mindset when it comes to trusting the AP. She has made continued comments that she implicitly trust him without doubt. She totally forgets he pursued a married woman and her reaction to his advance at first where negative, do they just totally forget that the AP had motives when he was pursuing her?

I guess I was just looking for some insight to way she so implicitly trust everything he says?

[LH19]

Because she is basing everything on her emotions and not logic and reason.

Why is she talking about the AP with you? That’s disrespectful and you need to put a stop to it. Have you read up on boundaries?

[JC08]

She'll call about something to do with kids, then she'll use the opportunity to make jabs or comments. Last night she asked a few things concerning basketball schedule for our oldest girl. I answered questions, then her go to after I make the the conversation short is to ask if I'm upset or mad, I say no not at all, just have some things I need to get done and that I thought everything about the kids was discussed. She then said something along the lines of, fine don't talk and communicate with me, I can't believe you are being this way, you know me better than anyone for 16 years, and now you won't even talk to me, I never thought that day would come and it breaks my heart. My response was I am willing to communicate about the kids, but that is about it, this is what divorce kinda is and that was what you wanted.

She then got super upset, yelled that I caused her to talk to another man, that atleast she can trust him, and a couple other things. At that point I said that I'm going to get off the phone, that I answered all the questions pertaining to the kids and was not rude or angry and that I'm not going to get yelled at for nothing. She started making some other comments and I just said I'm going to let you go and I'll see you and the girls at the games tomorrow and hung up.

I almost hate answering the phone, everything had been discussed via text, but she calls to pretty much ask if I'm mad, why can't I be more talkative, why are my answers short, then uses that as an opportunity to make her comments, justifications, or push blame for the situation squarely onto me, and she does it without any relationship talk from me.

I have read the boundaries thread, I'm going to have to read it again and get better at enforcing them. Because I pretty much cut her off and said I wasn't going to be yelled at and was ending the conversation she will make jabs about, "well I can't talk or you'll just hang up on me", and I guess my natural tendency is to defend myself when she does that and I know that nothing I say will matter and it just drags into bad conversations, which she seems to love to do at this point it seems.

I'm seriously considering when she calls, not answering, and just texting her to find out if something was needed, then if it's kid related I can respond or otherwise see what she wants. Because almost Everytime she calls it turns into something similar to last night.

And yesterday was a pretty good day until that, I don't know why her crappy comments drag me down so bad but they do, which is just another reason I need to stay away from phone conversations because it goes that way almost Everytime, while texting it doesn't seem to happen and I have more control over the conversation.

[LH19]

W,

I feel that our phone calls are unproductive. If you have any questions about the kids, please send me a text and I will answer you when I get a chance.

Then let her calls go to VM.

[JC08]

So last night she wanted to come by and tell the girls bye before leaving for 10 days. I felt like she could have picked them up from school and seen them before I got off work and felt it was disrespectful to come to my house and tell the kids bye in front of me so she could go on a trip with the OM. But I allowed her to, I excused myself outside and waited around while she told them bye. When she left she had to make the usual comments about is this how's it going to be? After 16 years we aren't going to talk and be friends, we are just throwing that all away? I just responded, no it doesn't have to be this way, but this is your decision to divorce not mine and that is what divorce is. She pretty much responded that the OM and his ex-wife get along great and are still best friends and she doesn't understand why I can't be that way. My response was because I don't just want scraps of you or our relationship and then went in the house and she left.

Hopefully after this trip and with the holidays being over there will be fewer personal interactions. The personal interactions leave me hanging onto hope that currently isn't there. The next thing I need to tackle after she gets back is telling her that there is no need to sit by me at basketball games for our daughter.

Last Saturday she can up and sat down beside me and acted like nothing was different between us, at one point she turned around to talk to someone and put her hand on my knee to turn around. My friend I was sitting next to called me after the game and couldn't believe the way she acts, like you can't tell we are divorcing and living apart the way she acts. Don't get me wrong I love her but that situation [censored], makes me anxious and uneasy, let alone her constantly texting, which she never did before the OM. We are not together, so why act like everything is normal between us?

Why does she act this way? If I was so horrible to be married to and our marriage wasn't worth working through our problems, then why want to be friends and act like everything is normal between us except we are divorced? It's confusing to me, it frustrates me to no end, and it makes it incredibly difficult to detach. I guess my idea is if you want a divorce then we have business to deal with concerning kids and that is it. If you want me in your life in another capacity then you need to work on our marriage, otherwise there can't be anything else. And her response to anything like this is always the same, you just hate me, I'm not a horrible person, why can't we still be friends and involved in each others lives?!

[JC08]

So my wife just got back from Mexico with the OM a few days ago, never called or text to check on the kids for over a week. Regardless of that I guess she started calling me last night, I had my kids, so I didn't take the calls, she finally text and wants to drop them off super early because she has a early meeting on Friday. I always made her job and her schedule a priority, handled 90% of taking kids to school, dropping them off, ect. We worked the same hours and what not, always fell on me. Anyway, her parents are gone, so now she needs me to help her with her schedule and job.

She text me last night about 9, this morning at 9 she's back on trying to nail me down. I told her I'd get back to her. I don't feel like this is for the kids, feel like this is helping her, still being there when she needs something. Sent some big long text about how her job is the most stressful thing in her life right now and whatever. Feel like that diminishes the magnitude of the divorce and whatnot, also feel like you just took off over a week to go to Mexico, if things are so bad and stressful at work maybe she should have made that a priority.

Yes I can do that but I also have to change my schedule to do so. Is this part of making her realize that this is part of the decision she made, she shoves everything down my throat without a look back, but the moment she needs something it's about her needs again. Not sure what to do.

[joejoe1]

J,

Easy, tell her she has to figure it out. She just took a week off to travel. If it's an emergency you should help, but if it's not and you have to change your life up say, "I rather not, I really want to stick to our schedule". By saying that she might become vindictive in the short term, but she knows you will be there if it was an emergency, because you have been consistently on that front.

It's no longer your job, to make her job and life easy. It's now her job to figure out how to manage her life with having JC as a part of it.

Joejoe

[AnotherStander]

I agree with Joe. Establish a schedule that you both agree to. Then if she wants to deviate from that schedule she has to figure out how to make that happen without your assistance. It sounds like she's using you as her personal babysitter and maybe even using it to control and manipulate you. I would put an end to that ASAP. Now if it goes both ways where every once in a while you help her due to an emergency meeting or something and she does the same for you, that is perfectly fine. That's what my XW and I did. But it sounds like your W takes and takes and takes but never gives.

[JC08]

I had told her last night that I would have to change my schedule and didn't know if I could do it, said I would get back to her later. Part of this was to delay to get thoughts and direction from here, then she sent yesterday, "nevermind, the company was going to change the meeting and it would be a different day. That she would let me know later what the day was". Then she asked questions about filing taxes together. And ended with, "have I always been this needy? Sorry I was such a pain in the ass".

Yes, yes she was, I literally always took care of everything, gave in to her wants, took care of kids, schedules, whatever else. Hell after she kicked me out she had to ask when our house payment was due and how much it was. Stupidity I thought that all the things I did showed her love and then after all we went through she would say how much I always took care of her, that was how she knew how much I was hurting when my affair happened because that wasn't/isn't who I am, that I wasn't a bad person. She's switched all that talk now! Lol

I haven't responded to any of those messages she sent, didn't see a need.

Then this morning she called, and it was about drop time at school, so I took the call to make sure something wasn't up with the kids. Instead all she did was complaining about her job, I could tell she was really upset, like stifling a cry. Said she was looking for a new job, that she couldn't stand her co-worker, who is her subordinate. She hired her and they became good friends, she use to love this job. She only had great reviews from management before she became so preoccupied with OM. So the point of her calling came down to she wanted to see if I would work with the schedule once she found a different job. I just listened, said sorry things are rough at work, and that first she would have to get a job and then we could tackle schedules. She seemed to be looking for support, which even at my worst, I always did, especially with her job when she stressed.

I didn't, I just listened said the above, and pretty much ended the conversation. Which was hard for me to do, I want to offer support, and talk, but it NEVER leads in a good direction, ever. So I didn't.

So in 6 months time she's leaving a job that has flexible hours, 6 weeks vacation, no weekends, no evenings, and that she had zero issues with until OM entered our lives. She's getting divorced. Gave up half of her time with her kids. Started a new relationship and went in neck deep, instantly. Has cut out all our old friends and her family, her parents never see or talk to her. Doesn't want the house and wants to move, I assume in with OM, she lives there half the time already. Just seems like a lot of huge life altering decisions in such a short time period.

I like your guys responses, I think that is the way I'll handle it when it comes up again. I have not asked for assistance once from her, I either change my schedule or make arrangements another way. I mean she didn't even tell me that she was going to Mexico, I asked her because I wanted to know when I was going to have my kids for 12 days straight.(he goes yearly, she girl number 3 in 3 years) It didn't hurt my feelings at all to have my kids for that big of stretch but she wasn't going to give me any notice. She didn't know if her parents could help or not because her mom called to tell me if I needed any help with my schedule to let me know, but she didn't even know she was going until the day before she left for Mexico. I'm sure she thought I'd blow a fuse when she brought it up, but I had pretty much assumed she was going.

So onward with my new crazy life. I guess side notes. I see a therapist weekly still, I still struggle with overwhelming thoughts and have a hard time sleeping and staying focused. I journal thoughts alot, I like writing, and it helps me organize and focus my thoughts. I don't feel like I have came very far emotionally in the last 6 months, my therapist, my mom, my wife's mom(we talk multiple times weekly, we always have) think I have. I just turned 35 and am in better shape than I have been since highschool. I go to the gym 5-6 days a week, have lost almost 40 pounds, and have went from not being able to run a mile to running a 25 minute 5k. GAL is tougher, pretty small community in rural area and just not a lot of activities. Got invited to drink a few beers with some guys after playing some Rec basketball, was excited about that, but OM truck was at the restaurant/bar, so I backed out. My wife doesn't want the house or land, kind of in the process of determining vales, it looks like we will come to an agreement and I'll have my house and land back. Which will give me a lot of projects to focus on and keep busy with. I hope that all gets wrapped up before spring so I can take advantage of nicer weather and longer days. Currently reading Boundaries by Henry and Cloud and am trying to continue to improve my skills and understanding to better deal with this and all situations and to get better emotional control over myself. Went through a period of drinking way to much when I didn't have my kids, alcohol is definitely a depressent for me. Went cold turkey, now I just drink a few beers here and there, so I was happy that I was able to control that. I have definitely learned that most things I use to think we're big stressors in my life are nothing, and I'm enjoying my kids more than ever. My oldest two ask to just live with me all the time. I am in the process of planning a trip to Rome sometime this summer. I feel like it will give me something else to plan and focus on rather than divorce and everything that brings up.

Anyway, I truly appreciate all feedback I get to my situation.

[joejoe1]

J,

Awesome job dealing and responding to your WW. You did great. Am also glad you are laying down a plan for this upcoming spring and summer. I hope you make out to Rome. I have never been, but I will make it some day, hopefully if you go you can tell me where all the hotspots are located.

You are becoming AMOAFWL. It's also natural to still have some emotional setbacks and pain. I still have my down days, but this forum and these awesome people provided me advice and resources that has helped me tremendously.

Keep up the hard work.

Onward and Upward.

Joejoe