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JC08 Offline OP
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The therapist I see talked about the process of healing and dealing with the trauma I caused. She said first would mainly be work with my W, talked about EMDR, and just talked about the healing process for my W and what I would need to do to help with that, then overtime we would start working on us as a couple again, work on communication, bonding, and so forth. That was what was discussed in the one and only session.

We got a schedule set up, the rest of the day my W seemed a happier and more herself, talked positive about therapy, that she was excited about how the therapist described everything, plus it would lead to a lot of time of just us, and us working on us. Her mom even told me that my W brought up what the therapist talked about, the process, and she seemed excited because she wanted closure and how to cope and move past, the triggers and all those types of things.

I really don't know what the OM was saying to her, but it seemed like things went in waves. Because we talked about therapy and she had a good outlook on it for the rest of the weekend, our first appointment was a Saturday morning. Then once she went to work Monday, I think they talked a lot more when she was at work, things went back downhill because she wouldn't stop talking to him.

So yes you are right, she was in pain, I didn't realize the depth until it was to late. If we would have found help earlier maybe we could have worked through some of that pain. I talk to my priest often also, he mirrors what you say to a lot of degree. He believes she is in a lot of pain, that she just swept it under the rug, that the OM is just an escape, that her pain and undealt with issues will come out in their relationship/affair and cause issues after the new wears off, but he does believe once she is ready to heal then that is we can try yo try putting our marriage back together, but he believes it will take a lot of time. My W actually talked to the priest right before telling me she wanted to separate, the priest said that they talked a lot about healing, and what needed to be done to get that, but said just they way she described how she felt, what she was thinking, and how she described everything, that he was extremely surprised how quickly things changed after that, because she just didn't come off as wanting to separate or leave.

My wife comes from a very religious family, my W has moved away hard from that, same as I did, but her parents and the priest hope and believe that as time goes on that she will start returning to her beliefs, and maybe there will be a chance of R, I know I can't have expectations, that this is just the beginning, and in that time I need to follow the advice here, and that if she looks back my way she will see changes.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
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Thanks for your response. I hope & pray that she will not remain with OM.....or other men in general, b/c of extensive damage or adding further complications to the sitch.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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JC08 Offline OP
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I've asked my boss to move me to a different location. He won't. I work for a family owned bank, live in a very rural area, and they have a non-compete agreement when you first take employment with them. I have been looking into different areas or even some additionally schooling if I could find a job that would get me away from my job.

The OM was my biggest customer, have 8 years of history with him, have bought dinners for him when I seen him or his dad at a restaurant, he was somewhat of a friend, stopped by my house and visited unexpectedly several times, text me and stopped in my office after my 3rd daughter had a stint in the NICU. Then went after my wife, comes in the bank more than he ever has, all my other customers (mainly farmers) all know he's with my wife, my interactions with a lot of my customers have changed because it the elephant in the room, a decent portion of them will be going on that trip here soon because its a company sponsored trip at an all inclusive for all the seed customers from the area.

I will never be able to detach, seeing him almost weekly, he walked in the bank at 9am, and all I can think is my wife left his bed within the last hour. It seriously just gives me a panic or anxiety attack every time. I can't, I just can't stay here anymore.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
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Originally Posted by JC08
stopped by my house and visited unexpectedly several times, text me and stopped in my office after my 3rd daughter had a stint in the NICU. Then went after my wife


Likely he was after your W from the moment he met her. That would explain much of what you describe here.

"I will never be able to detach, seeing him almost weekly, he walked in the bank at 9am, and all I can think is my wife left his bed within the last hour."

This tells me that you do not understand what detachment is. In fact, it is always a good exercise to let a LBS explain what detachment is to them. So can you explain to us what you believe detachment means?

If you think it means some kind of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" thing then you clearly have it wrong.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted by JC08
Then went after my wife, comes in the bank more than he ever has, all my other customers (mainly farmers) all know he's with my wife, my interactions with a lot of my customers have changed because it the elephant in the room, a decent portion of them will be going on that trip here soon because its a company sponsored trip at an all inclusive for all the seed customers from the area.

Does shame play a role in this? I mean, I get that you cheated and another man took the opportunity to woo and win your lady. It's a kick to the gut! Grieving is very natural here--anger, loss, etc. I hope you're not adding the extra pain of shame to the mix when you see other farmers in the know. I'm working through a book on self compassion. There's an author, Kristin Neff, with a great website and books on the topic.

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He was married during a lot of those interactions. You may be right though, when my wife was 16 years old she was a dishwasher at a local restaurant, he was like 23 and gave her a dollar bill with his number on it, told her to call him when she 18, and for another 18 years that was their only interaction. Only reason I even know that is because she told me, "He even remembered giving me a dollar bill with his number on it when I was 16, maybe all of this happened for a reason".

I definitely think he was after her before he ever went out with us that one night. He had heard about my affair from someone, within a week he had called a mutual friend to ask what she knew about it, and then spent the whole night talking about how broken hearted he was about his ex-wife and his last girlfriend. That all he ever wanted was to marry his best friend, blah, blah, blah.

I guess I feel like detaching would be able to come to the realization that she is going to do her thing, and whatever happens happens, that I cant change her actions or feelings and I that I need to accept the reality of the situation. That way I don't dwell on where she's at, what she's doing, wondering if she has any second thoughts or remorse, what the future is going to be, what happened to the wife I knew, and instead learn to focus on myself and my life without her. To get back to who I was, a focused, driven, goal orientated, hard working, passionate about whatever I was doing person. My mother in law told me the other day that I needed to find myself again, That I had always been so upbeat, that I always came off as someone who had his stuff together, and was quick to smile and laugh. She said she knew something was wrong during my affair, but it was defiantly returning before the OM got involved, and now I'm just a shell, that she never thought shed see me like this. That I needed to find a way back to that person. I feel like detaching is part of what leads me back to being that person.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
Joined: Sep 2019
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
[
Does shame play a role in this? I mean, I get that you cheated and another man took the opportunity to woo and win your lady. It's a kick to the gut! Grieving is very natural here--anger, loss, etc. I hope you're not adding the extra pain of shame to the mix when you see other farmers in the know. I'm working through a book on self compassion. There's an author, Kristin Neff, with a great website and books on the topic.


Shame is huge part of what I feel. I felt shameful and guilty for a long time during my affair and then especially with my wife after everything came out. I was trying to be there for her, ask her what she need from me, but still dealing with bringing all this down on her and my family. But since she started actually seeing the OM the shame is overwhelming. I'm from a town of 500 people, I don't go that town to eat, get fuel, whatever. I go to another town farther away, I don't go see friends, don't socialize at sport events or whatever, I just stay to myself. I seriously get overwhelmed with inferior/failure feelings seeing people I've known my whole life or people just thinking about all the people who know my wife is with someone else because they are so public with it. Let alone when other people come into my office and act different because they had probably ran into my wife with the OM because a lot of my customers run the same circles. Same with all the people I work with, they all know, no one comes into my office to visit or chit chat anymore, and I only leave my office for work essential functions.


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Her EA May 2019
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Originally Posted by JC08
I guess I feel like detaching would be able to come to the realization that she is going to do her thing, and whatever happens happens, that I cant change her actions or feelings and I that I need to accept the reality of the situation. That way I don't dwell on where she's at, what she's doing, wondering if she has any second thoughts or remorse, what the future is going to be, what happened to the wife I knew, and instead learn to focus on myself and my life without her. To get back to who I was, a focused, driven, goal orientated, hard working, passionate about whatever I was doing person.



We had a guy here that was separated from his W and she had a restraining order against him. He had no contact with her at all. And he still struggled with what you describe here.

Detachment comes from within you, and happens in spite of external factors when you decide to prioritize yourself.

Go find yourself. If getting a new job or whatever is what that takes, then do it. Just don't delude yourself into thinking that there are quick fixes to the flood of emotions that you feel.


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So this weekend was another disaster for me, shocker I know! Anyway. W had the girls this weekend, they are 10,7,6, and 3. Saturday she went to one of her families Thanksgiving's with the girls. Well later in the evening my W's dad calls and ask if I could come help him track a deer, so I did, got that done and he tells me to come over to the house and visit a while. I still talk to her parents daily, she told me when we separated not to cut her parents out, that I meant to much to them.

Anyway, get to their house and my oldest two daughters are there and say they are staying the night, that they came home from the Thanksgiving with grandma, I have been there like 5 minutes, W walks in with clothes for the girls, I make small talk, how are you, how was Thanksgiving, she answered with one word snaps so I leave, figure I'm intruding on her space or something.

Her dad calls me a few minutes later and says after I left my W asked where I went, why I left, if she made me mad, her dad just says oh he was about to leave when you got here so I don't think so. Said he really wanted to tell my W that she was being rude and hateful, what did she expect. Said she left right after, hardly said anything, and was in a rush.

Well found out she was in a huge rush because she took the little two and went to the steak house in my hometown(500 people), and went out to eat with OM and his kids. I mean several people text me and said that they thought it was shitty because she brought the kids, I guess they have been regulars there lately, but now she's taking the kids. She dropped the kids off Sunday evening, didn't take long for it to come out of the little ones mouths, then my oldest daughter told the little two not to say things about stuff like that, mom said not to say anything about any of it. I ask my oldest one if she's met OM and his kids, tells me yes, couple weeks ago on a Friday night they went over after my W got home from work and stayed until after 11 pm.

I'm pissed that she's introducing the OM to my kids, I'm pissed that she's not making them a priority when she has time with them, she has multiple times had them stay the night with grandparents/aunts or had her niece come over and stay so she can go see OM. It such a transition for the kids, especially the oldest one, and she still can't put them first or spend quality time with them when she has them, it is just about the OM. My oldest daughter said she Facetimes and text OM daughters all the time(same age as my oldest) but she never calls or text when I have the kids. She'll go from Friday morning dropping them at school to Sunday at 5 without ever talking to them, asking about them, or anything, and that is every single weekend I have them.

Plus the fact she's always telling me she wants to be friends, she's not trying to hurt me, she's not trying to shove the OM down my throat, on and on. Really you can't go out to eat somewhere else? Even her mom told me Saturday evening, she calls to see how I'm doing after I leave for the way my W was to me, and tells me that the way her daughter is being how I'm being so strong. I don't feel strong, she says I can't believe you haven't blew up at her, How I'm hanging on to hope, and not just completely gave up. That if it was her she would say good riddance and shut her out.

Anyway, just another day/weekend of the continued craziness.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
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JC, I know this stuff hurts, and it hurts bad!!! But reading your post I don't think your W is doing anything mean or spiteful, she's just moving on. And you've got to let her. It doesn't sound like she's doing anything to put the girls in danger. Is she being a great mom? No. But she's not doing anything that warrants action on your part.

Originally Posted by JC08
Well later in the evening my W's dad calls and ask if I could come help him track a deer, so I did, got that done and he tells me to come over to the house and visit a while. I still talk to her parents daily, she told me when we separated not to cut her parents out, that I meant to much to them.


That's fine, but...

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W walks in with clothes for the girls, I make small talk, how are you, how was Thanksgiving, she answered with one word snaps so I leave, figure I'm intruding on her space or something.


That's not. If your W is at her parent's house, then consider yourself "not welcome" no matter what her parents say. You are indeed intruding on her space. You could have helped him and left without going in the house, or apologized to him and said you don't feel comfortable coming over there when she's there.

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Well found out she was in a huge rush because she took the little two and went to the steak house in my hometown(500 people), and went out to eat with OM and his kids.


This falls under the category of "this hurts to hear but she's not doing anything wrong so I need to suck it up and live with it."

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I mean several people text me and said that they thought it was shitty because she brought the kids


"I appreciate the concern but we're separated and I would rather not hear about her personal activities unless she's putting the kids in harm's way." People love to gossip and stir up s***. Don't be a party to it.

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I ask my oldest one if she's met OM and his kids


Don't ask. I went through this with my kids, one of my daughters finally told me to quit asking because it upset her. I was just curious, but I never considered the fact that it would upset the kids talking about it. I never asked again.

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I'm pissed that she's introducing the OM to my kids, I'm pissed that she's not making them a priority when she has time with them, she has multiple times had them stay the night with grandparents/aunts or had her niece come over and stay so she can go see OM.


Of course you are, you have every right to be. But you don't have any say in the matter. This is your W moving on to a life without you. It's painful, but it's inevitable.

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She'll go from Friday morning dropping them at school to Sunday at 5 without ever talking to them, asking about them, or anything, and that is every single weekend I have them.


You're not going to like it no matter what. If she was constantly calling and texting you'd probably gripe that she doesn't trust you, right? You should be giving her plenty of time and space anyway, so if she's no contact then that's a good thing.

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Plus the fact she's always telling me she wants to be friends, she's not trying to hurt me, she's not trying to shove the OM down my throat, on and on. Really you can't go out to eat somewhere else?


I think you said it's a small town? I'm sure you'd prefer she drive 100 miles away to eat out but it's probably not realistic. Try to learn to accept and deal with these things. I don't think she's intentionally trying to hurt you, like I said this sounds like her moving on to her "dreamy new life" with OM. The best thing you can do is let her do it. Because before long no doubt "the bloom will be off the rose".


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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