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JC08 Offline OP
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At first, no I really didn't have any idea, either one of us did. After she started talking to the OM is when she really opened up to me and the pain. Before that it seemed like we had slowly progressed over the last year and things got better and better.

Towards he time she pushed the seperation is when she said, "it's almost been a year, I shouldn't hurt this much still, there is no hope". Neither one of us knew how long recovery would be or what we needed to do to get there. I thought we were there, she thought she should be there, and we were both wrong. Plus the OM told her repeatedly that she would never get over it until she got rid of me, and that they could make each other happy. That is what she believed and that is what she did.

So time will tell I guess. I'm trying to focus on me and my girls, but knowing that she's moved on and showing nothing but happiness makes it hard not to lose hope.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 52
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JC08 Offline OP
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At first, no I really didn't have any idea, either one of us did. After she started talking to the OM is when she really opened up to me and the pain. Before that it seemed like we had slowly progressed over the last year and things got better and better.

Towards he time she pushed the seperation is when she said, "it's almost been a year, I shouldn't hurt this much still, there is no hope". Neither one of us knew how long recovery would be or what we needed to do to get there. I thought we were there, she thought she should be there, and we were both wrong. Plus the OM told her repeatedly that she would never get over it until she got rid of me, and that they could make each other happy. That is what she believed and that is what she did.

So time will tell I guess. I'm trying to focus on me and my girls, but knowing that she's moved on and showing nothing but happiness makes it hard not to lose hope.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 52
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JC08 Offline OP
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So an update, she's still with OM. I know, none of you will be surprised by this, I know it is still way to early.

She told me the other day when I dropped kids off that she didn't mean to be rubbing this in my face, but things like that were just going happen and she's sorry. There was pictures of them on Facebook and some other small social media stuff. Then I was out walking with my kids and met them in a Polaris ranger on the road by my house. We live in a rural area, my kids all seen her with him, they really had no reason to be there, she just said sorry, didn't think we would see anyone.

I know it goes against DB rules but when she was telling me this I just looked at her, touched her face, and told her that I didn't like seeing it but it didn't change the way I felt about her. She then said something along the lines that she is just so confused.

I'm trying to do a better job at detaching, just don't know how. I know what she is doing and where is she is at when she doesn't have the kids and it kills me, but I don't care, I can only still think about her and putting things back together. I know there was more under the surface then she told me but I can't but to think we would still be improving our relationship if the OM would have never entered the picture.

I know that I am only 4 months into her affair, that really isn't anything, but I know I have zero desire to give up standing for our marriage and for her. I'm sure I'm doing things wrong, but when she tells me she doesn't want me to put my life on hold for her, I tell her she's worth it. Probably dumb, I don't try to bring up R talks but when she says stuff like that I feel like I have to respond something. Feel like if I would act like I'm moving on it would make her feel less guilty and less conflicted about the situation and her decision.

She has changed so many of her values and morals, I hope these changes are permeant. I did the same, so I just want to believe it's part of the process.

Don't have much to report or say. Except I'm still here, I'm trying to work on myself, and I still have hope. I do think it will take some time but the same day she said she was confused she also told me she still had feelings for me, that she didn't want to get hurt and she is just really guarded. Kinda raised an eyebrow on the "really guarded", you started seeing the OM instantly and he has a pretty extensive history of being a womanizer. Anyway that's where I'm currently at.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 157
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Originally Posted by JC08

...
I know it goes against DB rules but when she was telling me this I just looked at her, touched her face, and told her that I didn't like seeing it but it didn't change the way I felt about her. She then said something along the lines that she is just so confused.

I'm trying to do a better job at detaching, just don't know how. I know what she is doing and where is she is at when she doesn't have the kids and it kills me, but I don't care, I can only still think about her and putting things back together. I know there was more under the surface then she told me but I can't but to think we would still be improving our relationship if the OM would have never entered the picture.

I know that I am only 4 months into her affair, that really isn't anything, but I know I have zero desire to give up standing for our marriage and for her. I'm sure I'm doing things wrong, but when she tells me she doesn't want me to put my life on hold for her, I tell her she's worth it. Probably dumb, I don't try to bring up R talks but when she says stuff like that I feel like I have to respond something. Feel like if I would act like I'm moving on it would make her feel less guilty and less conflicted about the situation and her decision.
...


You have a unique situation because you cheated, so you seem much more tolerant of her behavior... you also know the state of mind / emotions to be on the flip side.


Originally Posted by JC08

...
She has changed so many of her values and morals, I hope these changes are permeant. I did the same, so I just want to believe it's part of the process.
...


Her values and morals changed for the better or worse? And do you actually mean permanent, or temporary?

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Yes her values and morals have changed for the worse. I meant to say I hope they are not permanent.

It just seemed like she progressed with her EA so much quickly than I did. And for almost a year all we talked about was how glad she was that we figured our lives out, not only for us, but for our children. Then those thoughts and ideas changed in almost no time at all.

I don't know if I'm too tolerant or not and I no there is no guarantee that she follows the same process I did. I know for a big chunk of my affair I was certain that I wanted a divorce, that there was nothing left, that I felt like I poured and gave every thing into the marriage before my affair started. I guess I'm just saying I "justified" that our marriage was dead. But as time went on, things became clearer and I started remembering more than just the bad.

So no guarantee, just hope she goes through the same process. She told me just a few nights ago that she still considered me a great husband and the only time frame I wasn't was during my affair, so I just hope in time my affair doesn't erase all the good.

Last edited by JC08; 11/06/19 03:06 PM.

Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 52
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JC08 Offline OP
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Just found out today that she is going on a beach vacation with the OM in January. Im trying to detach, trying not to care, but I just can't figure out how to do that.

We will definitely still be married at that point, I have no idea who she is at this point.

This is a trip that the OM is provided by a seed company, lots of area farmers go on trips like this through their dealer. I know for a fact my wife will be the 4th different girl in the last 4 years. 4 years ago was the OM then wife, then a different woman the last two years, this year it will be my wife. Doesn't seem to be a concern of hers though.

Just venting, things like this seem to send me reeling, and pretty much know the next couple of days are going to be sleepless nights and I'm sure a new set of nightmares.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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Well IMHO, I think you have hurt her in a way she might move forward find the healing method,something as being advertised as the deal of a lifetme. I've seen similar posts to the ones your XW is currently writing. This is my only my opinion, so take it for what you thik it is worth.

Yes, you have caused her very deep. I'm talking about the kind she doen't get over.
she may turn to other substances to get her though those painful days, but they don't work well for her
She felt she was give as much that could when something else happened.
She is not in love with this OM. Her main objective is hurt you as badly as you've hurt her. In the meantime, she going to play kissy-kiss with the OM. She is using him, and apparently it must be work. She uses him to smear in your face every chance she gets, and uses him for the glorification . If he dumps her, she go find OM 2. Unfortunately, there are women who want help with these other men, who can gave them a great show. Your W tries to thrown this in your fame. Every time an ad comes in her paper about job, she wants you know it. So, she'll drop pictures of herself to post social media. She'll find ways to praise OM, and bread crumbs for you, just to keep you attached.

This is could go on for years......or until you and your W get expert therapist who knows how to heel couple coming back from an A. I would suggest you call one of couches at MWD. I think you have hurt her very deeply, and at the moment she was the hurt...........she turns to OM, to get rid of the bad stuff and she saw him at free ticket. Therefore, since an ow seem so good for you...........Your W thinks, why shouldn't have her turn?

Even if you just called MWD office to get them to help you know how to handle this situation I agree with what your W said about feeling very confused. Although is sounds confused, I think she's still in love with you. But convincing her, is another matter.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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JC08 Offline OP
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I'm seeing a therapist weekly, we spend about half our time discussing me, how I got to the point of having an affair, working on my coping skills(or lack of them), and other things. The rest of the time she works on me about how to have good interactions with my wife. Which a lot of her advice goes against DB rules, so I am always torn on how to interact with her.

I did have a coach from MWD for a while, just seemed like she is in so deep with the OM it seemed pointless after my first set of sessions ran out. So maybe I will go back to hiring a coach. I pretty much know this is going to be a long, long road, yes possibly years. I'm just trying to figure out how to interact with her so that she sees that over time I do love her, undoubtedly. Just in that time I want to become better at all the weakness I have.

Thank you for your opinions and insights.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
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Oh my goodness! My previous post sounds as if I was drunk......and I don't even drink, (but I was very sleepy when I wrote it). I was trying to say that I think your W is deeply wounded, and until she can find peace & healing, I don't think your MR is going to reconcile. The two of you are too emotionally intertwined, and not in a healthy way. You have to back away, don't pressure her emotionally, and let her work through the pain. Frankly, I think the only type of therapy that will help is to find an expert who deals with healing after affairs.

She doesn't love this OM, but she wants the pain to go away and thinks this is the way to do it. It's so tragic that everything is in such a mess.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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JC08 Offline OP
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I sincerely appreciate your response.

Why can't I remember the issues and feelings I had when my affair started? For awhile I thought I was happy, then reality set in, but for reasons I don't understand yet, maybe never, I didn't get out of the affair, sure I tried, but trying isn't an excuse. I wanted out, I told the OW I wanted my life back, I wasn't leaving, and for some reason I couldn't stick to that.

If I could remember then I could focus on that. That this is what I really wanted, this was what I knew the direction I was going. Now I can't, can't come up with a single legitimate reason to leave her, yet I have given her so many in a year's time to leave and for that I really can't blame her.

Something I thought I could never do, something I never understood how people did, then I did it all. Unhealthy as it is for me, I just don't know how I am going to not be intertwined with her and her feelings and needs, I'm sure unhealthy, but just the way it always has been, except during the affair, and now that feeling that was always there is back and stronger than I remember.


Me 34 Her 34
T:16 years
M:11
4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3
Her EA May 2019
Separated July 30th 2019
Her PA Started August 1st, 2019
Filed October 3rd, 2019
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