Challenge all your current beliefs. Make changes to the way you interact with people.
Learn new behaviors that are attractive. Drop the behaviors that are not attractive.
R2C, is dead on. Hrt, we all try to find loopholes and reasons why our sitches are unique or different. The fact of the matter is that her parents are no different then an OM. We've seen this on these forums before. Whether it is a group of divorcees, a BFF, an Other Person, the parents, the grandparents, a sibling, etc. Here is the deal: You have no control over HER or HER parents. That is why we say focus on you. It isn't just because that is where your focus SHOULD BE, it is also because there really is no other place for your focus TO BE.
When you eliminate everyone that you can't control, the only person left is the one person you can control. Yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So last night on webchat I tried to be cordial and talk, it’s what I’ve always done because it’s who I am. She feels if I don’t do this then I’m just mad at her, which is what I don’t want her to feel.
Anyway, that goes about as good as it can go. Then I get a text from her that says I was very rude towards her last night and this past weekend. I was just doing what she was doing to me, such as leaving the room while they spoke as I wanted to make sure I didn’t cross any boundaries or upset her. Then she says that she wants to only talk about our son, which is what I do because that’s a healthy boundary where she’s not uncomfortable. She said she doesn’t want our conversations to be hostile, which again I am agreeing with whatever she says or listening and validating.
My response was that I’m sorry she felt that way about this weekend and that I thought I went out of my way to let her webchat with him, while honoring her wishes. I also said that while I appreciate her concern, I have no reason to be hostile towards her and have been honoring her wishes now for several months.
She never responded. But again, I’m trying to just listen and validate.
That makes sense, but how do I handle her parents? Is that the same as having OM?
I am trying to control myself and I feel like I’ve been doing a really good job, especially considering where I wasn’t before all of this happened. I know I can’t control the situation and I really don’t want too. But I would like to know what I can do to continue to control how I respond to it with the parental involvement.
Her parental involvement is bad.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
I feel my situation is very different because of the parent involvement.
I most likely have you beat in the "Too involved grandparents department".
It doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters is making positive changes to you, for you and your son.
Challenge all your current beliefs. Make changes to the way you interact with people.
Learn new behaviors that are attractive. Drop the behaviors that are not attractive.
R2C, is dead on. Hrt, we all try to find loopholes and reasons why our sitches are unique or different. The fact of the matter is that her parents are no different then an OM. We've seen this on these forums before. Whether it is a group of divorcees, a BFF, an Other Person, the parents, the grandparents, a sibling, etc. Here is the deal: You have no control over HER or HER parents. That is why we say focus on you. It isn't just because that is where your focus SHOULD BE, it is also because there really is no other place for your focus TO BE.
When you eliminate everyone that you can't control, the only person left is the one person you can control. Yourself.
(She) says I was very rude towards her last night and this past weekend.
My response was that I’m sorry she felt that way about this weekend and that I thought I went out of my way to let her webchat with him, while honoring her wishes. I also said that while I appreciate her concern, I have no reason to be hostile towards her and have been honoring her wishes now for several months.
She never responded. But again, I’m trying to just listen and validate.e
In your responses, I see you being polite and agreeable. I see some validation. "I'm sorry you felt that way" is a validating, sympathetic way to start. The next words, though, take a defensive 180: "I thought I went out of my way.. " It's tempting to defend our viewpoint, but if you really want to validate her, it helps to understand her viewpoint. A couple stock responses I like for your situation from the Validation Cheat Sheet on this website: "Gosh, I didn't realize you felt I was being rude.", "I could tell you were really upset last night." It can be really hard listening to why someone is upset with your behavior but--as long as she's not yelling, cursing, etc.--those talks are important. I hope this weekend is a better one for you.
So last night on webchat I tried to be cordial and talk, it’s what I’ve always done because it’s who I am. She feels if I don’t do this then I’m just mad at her, which is what I don’t want her to feel.
You are being a "nice guy" here. Not saying you should not be cordial but why are you giving so much importance to what she feels?
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
My response was that I’m sorry she felt that way about this weekend .
Do you realize how weird it is that you are saying sorry for her feelings? You are not apologizing for any specific things you did wrong but you are apologizing because she feels bad and her feelings are controlled by her and not you.
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
I thought I went out of my way to let her webchat with him, while honoring her wishes. I also said that while I appreciate her concern, I have no reason to be hostile towards her and have been honoring her wishes now for several months.
"Honoring her wishes"? Do you believe talking to her this way will make her respect you?
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
She never responded
Are you surprised?
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
But again, I’m trying to just listen and validate.
Do you really believe that? I see a lot of apologizing and NGS trying to please her.
That makes sense, but how do I handle her parents? Is that the same as having OM?
I am trying to control myself and I feel like I’ve been doing a really good job, especially considering where I wasn’t before all of this happened. I know I can’t control the situation and I really don’t want too. But I would like to know what I can do to continue to control how I respond to it with the parental involvement.
Her parental involvement is bad.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
I feel my situation is very different because of the parent involvement.
I most likely have you beat in the "Too involved grandparents department".
It doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters is making positive changes to you, for you and your son.
Challenge all your current beliefs. Make changes to the way you interact with people.
Learn new behaviors that are attractive. Drop the behaviors that are not attractive.
R2C, is dead on. Hrt, we all try to find loopholes and reasons why our sitches are unique or different. The fact of the matter is that her parents are no different then an OM. We've seen this on these forums before. Whether it is a group of divorcees, a BFF, an Other Person, the parents, the grandparents, a sibling, etc. Here is the deal: You have no control over HER or HER parents. That is why we say focus on you. It isn't just because that is where your focus SHOULD BE, it is also because there really is no other place for your focus TO BE.
When you eliminate everyone that you can't control, the only person left is the one person you can control. Yourself.
You've described her parents of not liking you and wanting her to be away from you. Hmmmm, sounds like what an OM's position would be, doesn't it?
How do you handle her parents? You don't. They are not your problem. Your W is. Just like if she had an OM. Engage with them as little as possible. When you do engage, keep it to logistics about the kids, if those logistics are necessary. You know they don't like you. And you know the best way to make someone that doesn't like you to start liking you? Act like you don't care. It is amazing how DBing tactics work across all relationship. DB your in-laws too!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Good point Steve. I’ve always felt that if I handle her then her parents will follow, even though they are extremely over bearing.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
Steve,
That makes sense, but how do I handle her parents? Is that the same as having OM?
I am trying to control myself and I feel like I’ve been doing a really good job, especially considering where I wasn’t before all of this
You've described her parents of not liking you and wanting her to be away from you. Hmmmm, sounds like what an OM's position would be, doesn't it?
How do you handle her parents? You don't. They are not your problem. Your W is. Just like if she had an OM. Engage with them as little as possible. When you do engage, keep it to logistics about the kids, if those logistics are necessary. You know they don't like you. And you know the best way to make someone that doesn't like you to start liking you? Act like you don't care. It is amazing how DBing tactics work across all relationship. DB your in-laws too!
MLC, I appreciate the 2x4’s! But I feel like I’m doing everything I know to handle the situation in the best way.
I am giving importance to how she feels because my purpose is to win her back. I lost her because I didn’t care about her feelings for months, so I’m trying to do a 180 on that.
As far as saying I’m sorry, I can see how she could take that as apologizing for her feelings, but I feel like I was really just validating her feelings. How would you handle that?
I don’t really know what I can do at this point to get her respect back. I have done everything I know to work on our marriage, except let it go.
Yes I am surprised. This is still so new for me knowing the relationship we’ve always had since the first day we met. I understand her being hurt and angry with me, but I don’t understand why she still feels this way all these months later. I was hurt and angry with her for 8 months and it’s only been 6 months for me, but I’ve not done anything close to what she’s doing to me. I guess she just wants me to hurt in a different way.
In a lot of ways, I feel like this is just revenge based on her actions and words.
Yes, I feel like I am listening and validating her feelings and trying to make her feel better. I don’t think it’s from NGS, but it’s becsuse I’m trying to do a 180 on that behavior.
Originally Posted by MLCxH
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
So last night on webchat I tried to be cordial and talk, it’s what I’ve always done because it’s who I am. She feels if I don’t do this then I’m just mad at her, which is what I don’t want her to feel.
You are being a "nice guy" here. Not saying you should not be cordial but why are you giving so much importance to what she feels?
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
My response was that I’m sorry she felt that way about this weekend .
Do you realize how weird it is that you are saying sorry for her feelings? You are not apologizing for any specific things you did wrong but you are apologizing because she feels bad and her feelings are controlled by her and not you.
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
I thought I went out of my way to let her webchat with him, while honoring her wishes. I also said that while I appreciate her concern, I have no reason to be hostile towards her and have been honoring her wishes now for several months.
"Honoring her wishes"? Do you believe talking to her this way will make her respect you?
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
She never responded
Are you surprised?
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
But again, I’m trying to just listen and validate.
Do you really believe that? I see a lot of apologizing and NGS trying to please her.
You are right, it is VERY hard. Any ideas on how to make it easier?
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by "HrtHsbnd"
(She) says I was very rude towards her last night and this past weekend.
My response was that I’m sorry she felt that way about this weekend and that I thought I went out of my way to let her webchat with him, while honoring her wishes. I also said that while I appreciate her concern, I have no reason to be hostile towards her and have been honoring her wishes now for several months.
She never responded. But again, I’m trying to just listen and validate.e
In your responses, I see you being polite and agreeable. I see some validation. "I'm sorry you felt that way" is a validating, sympathetic way to start. The next words, though, take a defensive 180: "I thought I went out of my way.. " It's tempting to defend our viewpoint, but if you really want to validate her, it helps to understand her viewpoint. A couple stock responses I like for your situation from the Validation Cheat Sheet on this website: "Gosh, I didn't realize you felt I was being rude.", "I could tell you were really upset last night." It can be really hard listening to why someone is upset with your behavior but--as long as she's not yelling, cursing, etc.--those talks are important. I hope this weekend is a better one for you.
