She just wants to talk about the relationship in therapy. I still don’t see how only talking about it for 4 hours a month will do any good. Would you explain that to me?
She's not interested in an R with you right now. She would prefer that she not even have to coparent with you, but she doesn't have a choice there. So talking about it 4 hours a month, or 4 minutes, or even 4 seconds is TOO MUCH. She's done. You've got to wrap your head around that- she's done, done, done. That can change in the future but for now that's where she is.
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Why is shaking her hand weird? She is treating this like a business, so why not shake her hand ?
You really don't understand why that's weird? Basically this is a person you've been married to and intimate with, how do you go from that to shaking hands? (Hint- you don't)
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Why do WAS try to build distance between us? Don’t they think there’s enough? Why do you think she is doing it?
I know this is tough to understand and may hurt to hear, but she really does not like you right now. She may even hate you. She is more than likely very repulsed by the sight of you. You don't understand it because you still remember the happy marriage you thought the two of you shared, so you keep fishing around looking for your old wife inside there somewhere. Sometimes you might even get a glimpse of her, which just further confuses you because you think if you only say or do the right thing the old her will step forward and push aside this "interloper". But what you're dealing with is beyond your understanding. She has fundamentally changed, she is no longer who you knew. You keep trying to apply the old rules to this new person but that doesn't work. This new person doesn't like you, doesn't want to be married to you, doesn't want to touch you, doesn't want to talk to you, doesn't want to be in the same country with you. So what do you do? You move on. You accept this "new" her and you leave her alone and go about building a new life without her. I am not saying give up on your M, but you have to accept that for now, the M is done and over with. So you work on you, and with time you might be able to build a new R and M with her. But that's way down the road.
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I will need to start making choices very soon that will negatively affect our chances of reconciling. So I need to make those choices not for all 3 of us, but for my son and I regardless of it ruins any chance of reconciliation?
Can you give an example of that? What do you think you need to do that will hurt future recon? Because you are probably wrong. The BEST thing you can do for a future recon are the things your brain is telling you not to do. Detach. GAL. Leave her alone. Work on you. She wants to leave you hold the door open. She wants to hang out you say "no thanks".
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Also, any idea why she didn’t take her wedding ring back? I offered it to her at 3 different times to show her I’m done with her nonsense.
Quit worrying about all these little things, they don't matter. The very fact that you are asking questions like this shows how attached you still are. When you say "her" wedding ring, do you mean the one she gave you or the one you gave her? If it's the one she gave you then it's your property, not hers. Quit trying to give it back, just put it away somewhere. If it's the one you gave her then count yourself lucky she doesn't want it (because legally it's her property, at least in the US). Put it away.
Last night, she got on webchat with our son. We were busy playing soccer in the backyard and he didn’t really want to talk to her. I let her see him, not me. He must’ve moved out of her sight because she demanded to see him. I gave her a look like calm down you just needed to let me know. She snapped at me rudely and I told her that I didn’t appreciate the attitude. I would hang up if she didn’t stop . She just started crying and cried until the end of the call. Lack of respect has been a big issue with her lately.
The messy part about your threat to hang up is it doesn't just end her interacting with you--which is totally reasonable--but also her interacting with her son--which is less reasonable. I don't think you want gunpoint respect where she's afraid you'll otherwise impede access to her son. That could make her despise you, and besides it's a stick she can easily remove when she formalizes the separation and custody order. '
I have a friend whose custody plan includes webchats. They did this while their daughter was 6-14. It's his responsibility to ensure their daughter is in front of the Webcam when he has physical custody, and vice-versa. The parents rarely talk during Webchats. Maybe clearer boundaries could ease tensions here.
Originally Posted by "HrtHsbnd"
She just started crying and cried until the end of the call. At that point I would’ve usually asked why she was so upset or even sent her a text, but I didn’t. She would normally send me a derogatory text, but she didn’t either.
Seeing her crying must have been hard? I know I'm distressed whenever my partner cries, and made some of my bigger goofs when I saw her cry. I agree with AS's responses about why she wants more space, and his question about what you plan to do that would make reconciliation less likely is an interesting one.
If you want to maybe have a chance at a new MR with your W (not the old one - which has been gone for a while now), i recommend backing off. Way off. All of it is pressure to her right now.
How do I show her that I’ve moved on? I know it’s easier if I already have and I feel like I’m almost there, but I’m not there yet.
You can't show her you've moved on because you haven't. I read a website that discussed the timeline of a LBS's recovery from a breakup. At 6 months you're in the roller coaster of emotions phase which is about halfway through the grief process which is good news. I've been separated 5.5 months so this is where I am too. I hear we should both be feeling a lot better in another 6 months.
If you ultimately reconcile it will not be now. Almost every story I've read and I've read hundreds of them the WAS does not come back until the LBS moves on. Stinks right? This one guy his wife left, divorced him then 16 months later wanted to reconcile. He told her no. This other guy same thing his wife left, they sold the house, divorced and about 18 months after he'd moved on she wanted to reconcile. He was tempted but ultimately said no. Talked to this one guy in real life his wife left him for another man and yep she came back. He also told her no. I swear these WAS's have a 6th sense.
What KAS said... she won’t think you have moved on until you actually have. As all have said...stop focusing on what she is doing and focus on yourself... GAL, 180s and dropping the rope. She has left you HH. It took a lot for her to do that. The hard part for her is over so she is not going to come back easily...if at all. The sooner you realize this and accept it, the better it will be for both of you. Let her go to MAYBE get her back and to DEFINITELY get you back. (((HUGS)))
How do I show her that I’ve moved on? I know it’s easier if I already have and I feel like I’m almost there, but I’m not there yet.
You can't show her you've moved on because you haven't. I read a website that discussed the timeline of a LBS's recovery from a breakup. At 6 months you're in the roller coaster of emotions phase which is about halfway through the grief process which is good news. I've been separated 5.5 months so this is where I am too. I hear we should both be feeling a lot better in another 6 months.
If you ultimately reconcile it will not be now. Almost every story I've read and I've read hundreds of them the WAS does not come back until the LBS moves on. Stinks right? This one guy his wife left, divorced him then 16 months later wanted to reconcile. He told her no. This other guy same thing his wife left, they sold the house, divorced and about 18 months after he'd moved on she wanted to reconcile. He was tempted but ultimately said no. Talked to this one guy in real life his wife left him for another man and yep she came back. He also told her no. I swear these WAS's have a 6th sense.
Ending of the movie Swingers sums up this phenomenon nicely. They all want to test the waters in another/life/place/relationship. I'm leaving my home and splitting the equity and I'm out. I love her still, and vacilate weekly between being silently angry, and forgiving in the same instance, but sorry, once I'm out. As a matter of principle. I'm out. Im willing to lose her forever. Nothing lost, nothing gained. I think a lot of LBH realize that if there is no open line of communications other than for the sake of the kids, once the WAW takes the reigns and control of their new life, once they realize the grass wasn't greener, (if they ever do.) Then the only reason why they are returning is because they thought they could do better than you, and realized they didnt. Don't mean to sow the seeds of doubt. I want everyone's M to R here. But my perception is if they can leave, buy you out, sell you out, liquidate your assets, mistrust you, argue with you, turn cold on you, blame you, shame you, fool you for years about there honesty and feelings, who's to say they can't do it again? I know its prideful to think that way...But at some point you have to take your self respect back and move on with your life.
But what does moving on in this situation look like? Dating other people?
Moving on (to me) is that moment where you are playing with your kid and you forget. It's that moment when you sit alone in your living room and feel peace. In the beginning you have no moments like these. You can't eat, you drop 40 pounds, can't sleep, you think your life is over. Then you start to have moments. Fleeting but they are there. I haven't moved on but I believe that there will be a day when these moments will turn into hours, which turns into days, years until I look back and realize that I survived this. That I am stronger because of it. That I used this as an opportunity to grow and I will be proud. Today is not that day but it is coming I have to believe that.
On dating. I started talking to a guy I met online not long after WAH left. We talked/texted all day everyday nonstop. I could text him at any time and he'd reply. We'd stay up until 3am talking on the phone. He called me "baby" and was protective of me. He was making plans to visit me when I realized I was in way over my head. I was about to do something really stupid but thankfully he ended it saying I wasn't ready for a relationship (duh).
.......and then I crashed. Now I'm missing not one but TWO men. I made the mistake of not blocking him and 2 weeks later he came back. Ugh. We picked up right where we left off and a week later he started pulling away again. Seriously? Talked to him on the phone for 2 hours then I went home and blocked him. Took me another week to pull out of it. Its been a couple of months and I still miss him. Sound like fun?
Moral of my story is dating isn't moving on its a drug, a distraction, an avoidance technique, and a whole bunch of drama that totally isn't worth it. Don't be me.
